How do I accept the fact that my mother uses her will to try and control what my 67-year-old sister and I?

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My father passed away at 85 six years ago and my mother who is now 86 still lives in her large home with pool because she can't get rid of anything - she is very materialistic. I have been there for her to assist her but she doesn't trust me to help. Both prents were very much controllers or tried all their lives to control my sister and I using their trust saying that they will give their money to this charity or club instead of to my sister and I. My mother has never said I love you or I'm proud of you to my sister or me. She is verbally abusive to both of us all the time. I finally said that's it and blocked her from my phone so I don't have to put up with the abuse. I feel guilty and that's exactly what she wants. We were told that we are there to help and do as they say. At 64 years old I am tired of being treated like child. I quit. I'm divorcing my mother at 86 years old.

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elizabeth: Love your words, "Don't do anything out of a desire for revenge so you won't have regrets." excellent advice
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My father was extremely self-centered and angry all of his life. He was a master of manipulation and because my mother was weak and had her own mental illness, we all lived in fear of his anger. Because I was stronger than Mom, she often pitted me against Dad - she would fight him through me. Periodically as an adult, I would back away and just leave the two of them to themselves until I could regroup and be emotionally ready to help them again.

The last words my father said to me were in fury because I would not stop what I was doing (packing my mother to take her to the psych ward) to do some mundane task that he wanted done immediately. It's been 7 years since his death and while I haven't forgotten our last meeting, I am not grieved by it. I know in my heart that I did everything I could within healthy boundaries to be a good daughter to them. For the longest time I kept wondering when the deep regret would set in, but I've finally realized that I don't own that last conversation, he did. I'm sorry that it happened that way, but he died like he lived - angry and controlling.

My advice in this situation is to be aware of your feelings. Don't do anything out of a desire for revenge so you won't have regrets. We are to honor our parents, but that isn't a license for them to trample us. I can honor my parents by seeing that they are safe and cared for when they can no longer do that for themselves. That doesn't mean that I must stand there and take whatever venom is spewed my way. Boundaries. Healthy boundaries. And those boundaries look different for every one of us.
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I feel your pain. My mother is in a nursing home, but the manipulation never ends. She has no money, so it's not about that. It's about control, control, control. I am just learning to set boundaries. My mother is 90, has mild/moderate dementia, and is extremely depressed. The anxiety and depression is nothing new, so it adds to the problem. Hang in there....there are so many of us out there!
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kale4na, back then you were too afraid, but now you have courage. Believe me, I understand.
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THank you all for your kind input. I think that everyone's is a bit different from another. I have ot spoken to my mother for a month now, my choosing. She could contact me through others or my sister but she refuses to do that. I have taken this abuse from childhood and tried to hard to please her and my father and I never could. There is a time when we have to say that's it - no more. And that time has come for me. She can give her money to charity or whomever, I'm sure that my sister and I won't get a dime. Sad, my sister is living in section 8 housing and my mother could have helped her but she won't. Instead for her April 11 birthday, (no card or gift) she called and continued her control of no, you shouldn't do that or you can't do this. So no one in the family talks to her or goes to see her as a result of her abuse (and my dads) since I can remember. My kids and my sisters son know and lived with their abuse also and I allowed it. I can't forgive myself for allowing the abuse to my own children.
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My mom use to do that sort of thing too, but she has paranoid schizoaffective disorder. When she's on her meds and they're working she would never say anything like that but when she's not its awful especially for me! I'm the one she takes things out on. I feel for you. I don't have any good answers for you but just wanted you to know I understand.
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A friend of ours used to say, "I do not attend every argument to which I am invited." When she gets in control mode, just decide that you will not attend. Maybe you could still help her out without getting involved with her emotionally ... that way you would have the peace of mind knowing that you did everything possible to help her. No amount of money is worth putting up with meanness. If she threatened to give her money to charity, I would say (and mean it), "Aww that's really nice; that's a good charity, and I'm sure they would appreciate it."
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Dear kale4na,
Welcome to the club... Don't feel guilty. It is part of the 'guilt, shame, blame game' they do so well. I divorced Daddy in January after him abusing me of killing Mother and trying to kill him and not doing enough for him, etc... I too had blocked their number from my phone this summer. It is a very difficult tight rope to walk. Our divorce lasted 2 months. Now I go once a week, under my terms and there are topics off limits or I walk. (This includes verbal abuse.) Trust me, walking out on them once or twice, while making it clear that this behavior or abuse will not be tolerated, you may find they come around. It has worked for me for the last month. Re: changing the will... Talk to the lawyer who wrote the will and keep him in the loop. I did this and when Daddy would call him he would pretend that his phone battery was going dead or he couldn't hear him on his line.. I had already invoked Power of Attorney and Daddy had been take from the home by the police and Adult Protective Services. The lawyer was kept informed and notified, after family visitation when cutting me or Sister out of the will, so he would expect the call.
It is 'control freak' stuff. They really do wish to keep/re-establish control in their lives. Don't take it personally. It is VERY hard. Parameters need be in place, negotiated, and you may find, with practice, that your visits are nicer.
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It sounds like you have learned to live the life of an emotional slave and you are tired of having lived this way for a lifetime. Sounds a bit like my father in law after some influence I had upon him that his enslaving wife who claimed to believe in equal rights did not like. I took her not liking it as a compliment. Sounds like "Mommy Dearest", like the person the book was written about has enough money to hire all the help she needs just like my mother in law does. You don't have that many years left to live your own life. So, emancipate yourself and get away from that wicked witch of the west.
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I am so sorry kale4na for all you have had to deal and put up with. My very best friend,who is only 61 had almost the identical situation growing up as you have. Reading what you wrote was like listening to my friend tell blow by blow what you have dealt with. Her mother passed away over a year ago. The mother was extremely wealthy and she gave it all to charity. My friend heard her lawyer make this statement, "I don't think anyone can buy their way into heaven." As children from this decade, we were taught to be compliant and respectful to our parents, no matter how they treated us. Only we can give them our own self worth if we allow it. Take back your worth my dear and know that your a vitally important person. Your mom acts like she does because......"she can." You allowed it but that does not take any value away from you at all hon. You have learned humility, kindness and caring from being just the opposite from her and there is no amount of money that can buy this! She is the looser in this scenario. Do not feel guilty for anything you have done. You know that behind anger is deep hurt.
Own it sweetie and allow this to come out as you heal. You need healing. Wake up each day knowing that you are special and you have so much worth and value.
Rejoice in each day and know your not alone in this. May God lift you up and give you comfort and peace and joy as it comes into your life everyday.
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