How do you respond when your dying parent asks if everything is okay?

Answer: "Life is all good! It's going exactly as God decided it should go!". We can't guess God's logic. He decides when and where we die. It's not up to us to worry about it. Just go about your daily routine and keep hanging in there!

I'm sure your mom is counting on your calls, as there's probably not much else that brings joy to her. So she fixates on them and figures that something must be wrong if you don't call.
Actually, it's a common response for anyone that has a set routine. If you normally have a phone call from your adult child every Sunday afternoon, and you didn't hear from them, you'd wonder the same thing. Maybe, you'd even call later that night, just to make sure that everything IS OK.
I think that's what your mom is doing. She noticed a "gap" in the routine. By reassuring her (of course with a "fib", "I'm sorry Mom, I was cleaning out the freezer and time got away from me."), you'll set her mind at ease again.

A tear is coming to my eye as I remember my dad telling me, at 50 years old, to call him after I drove home from his house. He just wanted to make sure I got home okay.

Im not going through this yet, but know I will soon enough. One questions stands out that I'm not sure how to handle....when Mom asks me if she is dying. How do you answer that? Even tho she sometimes says that she wishes she were dead, the reality of dying is quite scary. What do you say? How do you say it?

I'm not sure there's going to be any easy way to handle this, especially if your loved one is dying. You're both just going to have to face this and hopefully this person is right with God

If redgrandad was addressing me when he said "Why do you assume she is a Christian?
I was only trying to be helpful & the only way that I can BE helpful is with the "help" of the Lord.
I am a Christian & thankful every single moment of my life that I am.
I could not make it in this world without His help & Grace, & Love, & Forgiveness, & Strength. He is a part of me & couldn't offer much help or comforting words ( which I thought was one of the purposes of this forum ), but that's just me.
So if I
offended you I'm sorry, but when I think of offering kind words to someone who is hurting & tired & about to pull her hair out, & is exhausted ( Bless her soul, I've been through it ) the Lord is just included in my reportoire. But that's just me.

I've only had "that" kind of experience with my brother's family - major burn victims (all 4 of them with 51%-79% third degree burns). The hospital psychologist told me I had to do xxx -- I told him I couldn't and he responded with "how much sleep are you getting?" I had no idea - he told me to tell everyone not to call me after 11pm and before 7am unless someone was dying - and that I would be tested, but I could not do what I needed to do unless I first took care of myself. That was a well-learned lesson -- you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else.

Try calling your mom with "can't talk long, have xxx to take care of, love you and will talk to you tomorrow" or something along those lines.

I don't know what works for you for relaxing, but for me it's a long, luxurious bubble bath. Works wonders.

shedampo: Dear Heavenly Father, please lift this difficult issue and take control as only YOU can for shedampo. Amen

We are all slowly dying. Some are at different rates. In the end, it's what we did while we lived that makes a difference. Death is not nearly as scary as being afraid to live til the end.

It is not for us to know when our parent will pass. It is hard to see and witness. I think you tell your Mother what she needs to hear so she can be at peace. Then you will be at peace for having said and done what comforts her. Hospice can guide you, or friends. Rest your heart as best you can.

If mum asks if everything is okay, just reassure her, calm her down. Most mums always ask their kids is everything okay, that is natural, but they know and sense things! That is why she is asking, maybe you look anxious or some facial expression that she picks up. With my mum I would always say 'the usual', so if I do look tired or worn out to her, there is an excuse for daily life challenges! But then add a good news story to cheer her up or news of hope.

Always answer positively. Because she is going to wind up in the arms of Jesus. The best place to be.

You are earning your wisdom stripes.

domesticgoddess: Your post about what we do while we're on this earth made me recall a poem entitled "The Dash," which incorporates a person's life on earth, e g. 1919-(dash) 2014. I don't have it now-would have to find it.

Thank you all for the comments and advice and shared experiences. I've done a little lying and truth telling to her as I felt she could handle. She's always known if something is wrong with me even if she is only in the phone. Moms are so smart. Btw I am not religious at all but not offended either by the prayers or advice.

I am sorry! I read your question incorrectly. I thought your mother was asking about her own condition.
But just now, I reread your question and it seems that your mother is questioning how your condition is.
With my father, I "side-stepped" as much as I could. Either put him onto another subject or told half-truths. Like when he asked me if he was a bad father - I asked him if he did the best he knew how, the best he could.
He said he really did and I only said, no one can ask for more than your best. It made him happy and I didn't really answer his question.
I did, however, remember later that he was raised without a dad and his mother wasn't always nice to him - she favored the younger brother for some reason.
Anyway, I am sorry about misunderstanding but we cannot remove comments on this site.

Llamalover;
Is this it?
The Dash
by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend

He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came her date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,

But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.

And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,

What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real

And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more

And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile

Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash

Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

© 1996 All Rights Reserved, Linda Ellis

Is Google wonderful?

So beautifully said! Never heard this. Brings tears. Just lost my dad Oct. 3rd.
His "dash" was 90 years. So Blessed to have had him that long! Thank you

ValerieS,
Even though I've been accused on this board for not "really meaning" my written sentiments, I truly am sorry to hear of your father's passing. I lost my dad too and it's such an empty feeling. He was my buddy. Thank God for memories and pictures.

I find I'm using Dads' phrases or "pearls of wisdom" a lot these days and don't even realize it until after I said it. Then I smile and tell him that what he said must have rubbed off on me.
As your Dad is resting in a better place, may God comfort you.

SueC1957: YES! That's the poem called "The Dash" that I mentioned. THANK YOU SO MUCH for posting it! I appreciate it! Yes, it's wonderfully crafted! So very sorry to learn of your dad's passing. Many condolences. ♡♡

ValerieS: Yes, "The Dash" first came to light when a cousin of ours passed away way too young
His funeral was the largest our family had ever seen--packed houses at church, funeral home and his name was mentioned on Baltimore radio. The Dash is so perfect because don't we all aspire to live our lives like that if at all possible? So sorry to learn of your dad's passing. Many condolences. 

Thank you so much Llama lover! It means so much to know that in our never ending love through Christ, we all have a common bond & that poem really touched me. I'm going to share it with my siblings,& my mom. ( she's 91 )
Much sympathy to you also with the loss of your cousin! Thank you again for the lovely poem & much love!

Sue C 1957. THANK YOU for the kind words. So so sorry for the loss of your dad! I feel my dad near me alot also. And yes his advice, & wisdom. It sounds like we loved our daddies alot. They are so missed. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Give her as much love as you can. No matter what you do, when she goes it will be an awful shock. You want to know for yourself that you were there for her, and that her passing was the right thing at the right time. *it may take you several months to come to that realization; grief is a process.

Valerie: You're so very welcome and thank YOU! I appreciate your kind words and condolences so much! We had an extremely difficult time because when we lost our cousin abruptly, then 3 weeks later his wife lost her mother. In between all that, we lost another family cousin due to a boating accident where the cousin drowned. I send you deepest condolences on the loss of your dad. Oh my goodness, we do share a common bond...a lot of us on this forum do and I'm so immensely happy to hear that you're going to share the poem!

Llamalover 47:
I am SO sorry! That is such a tragedy & so much loss! My prayers go with you & your family. At least my dad had lived his life & he was 90 ( still hard )
But to lose people way before their time & so suddenly! I just can't imagine. Its hard not to question why at times like that.
We must trust in Him. He has a plan. But it's just so hard. Love & prayers, my friend.

Dear Shedampo,

Although others are interpreting your mom’s question differently, the way I read it is simple, your mom was asking if everything is ok because you didn’t call as you normally do.

I think the most difficult part is that the person in whom we would normally find refuge, consoling words and hugs that make all wrong feel right, is now the one we need to protect and console.

I’d advise you to not tell your mom all you’re feeling and going through, out of compassion, as the process she’s living is difficult enough. Yet, keep in mind that although you’re not sharing with her your pain and exhaustion, I am pretty sure she knows it, as well as she knows that she’s dying, and she’s very tired herself from feeling sick, afraid and lonely. I say lonely because I believe the process of death is so unique to each person and so profound, that it has to make one feel alone, simply because no one can really walk that walk with us.

So although you’re not verbally sharing with your mom how terribly you feel, I’d suggest to just hug her, hug her with all your heart! and let the warmth of her hug repair some of what’s breaking inside you, rest a little in the arms of your mother. You’ll get more out of that quiet hug than what you’d get out of telling her things that you’d ultimately regret.

Find something to do every day that makes your mind and body rest for a while, take a break, at least for half hour. You need to give yourself injections of strength and calmness to be able to give to your mom the best possible ‘you’ during this time, and don’t allow tiredness to become anger or disappointment (we’re humans, all is possible).

Whatever your beliefs may be, look for the great power outside and within you. These type of situations humble us and make us remember that we cannot face life without relying on someone/something bigger than us. In my case, God has generously demonstrated me that He is present, and for and through my faith I’ve overcome situations that otherwise I’m pretty sure I couldn’t have.

May God bless you and your mom today and in the days to come!