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My mom (87) is dying/not dying...its a long rollercoaster and I am the only family member here for her. I have an out of town brother. I'm exhausted and burned out from the up and down of her almost near death and somehow bouncing back only to have a few more weeks of her being okay until perhaps the next almost near death. I feel like the girl who cried wolf anytime she gets bad then bounces back. Her hospice caregivers also keep thinking at those times she's near death. My mom asked me today if everything was okay because I didn't call her last night. (i call at the very least two times a day and stop over almost every day. Anyway, how do I answer..."no mom, i'm not okay. Im exhausted and emotionally drained from all this." seems somewhat unfair of me to feel that way when she is the one suffering and lingering.

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Well, you and I both know you can’t say THAT to your mom. Answer the question she asked. She asked if, because you didn’t visit her that night, if everything is ok. You can tell her that you just got so busy and it was getting late and you weren’t sure if she was asleep. Assure her that everything is fine with you. Tell her what you were doing, if you can. Then start talking about a mutual acquaintance. Diversion...

You can speak with her Hospice care team about how to handle this. When my mom was in Hospice, the care team was there for me as well as her. I could talk to them any time. I got invitations to grief support groups after she passed and still get communications from the agency after almost a year.

Hugs and some peace, too. Keep us updated.
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If she is in fact in a terminal state and vacillating back and forth as her body perhaps fights back, ask yourself what you can do or say to her that would be most comforting at this challenging time. I don't think I would ever tell her she's dying; it might be too much to handle.

Just reassure her that you love her and will take care of, comfort and support her. That's probably all she needs to know.

That's what a wise person suggested to me when I didn't know how to handle my sister's last months. She asked me what I would want to tell her if in fact she was dying. So from then on, I just comforted her and told her how much she meant to me, although at one point when she was struggling, I did assure her that it was all right to just let go. She was a fighter and I felt that perhaps some affirmation of release might help her accept the inevitable, especially as her suffering accelerated toward the end.
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I am at the start of the hospice journey with my mother.Please talk to the hospice nurses, they also care for the family and help you with counseling or just be a shoulder to lean on. I just got off the phone with my mom who is currently in hospital getting radiation for pain treatment and will then be discharge back to her AL and be on hospice.She was tearful, afraid,scared. I had been trying to read on the internet on how to talk to my dying mother and there are so many websites with great suggestions,especially on what are normal feelings for the person ,yourself,that is having to witness the long goodby. You need someone you can talk to about how you are feeling,in taking care of your emotional needs you will be better able to handle your mom's emotional needs at this time with a meltdown. So in listening to my usually stoic mother cry,verbalizing her fear,i just allowed her to talk, say what she needed to,she also wanted to know if I was okay and of coarse I lied and said I was fine and she didn't need to worry about me as she had raised me to be strong and independent and was a very good parent( I can't believe lightening didn't strike me) as our relationship for the most part had never been close but that was then and this is now.Please if possible get a therapist for yourself, contact your hospice and tell them you need help,it would be the right thing to do for yourself and your mom. Really, just type into your computer, "How do I talk to my dying mother".,lots of info out there because you are not alone. Keep us updated on how you are doing.
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It is so hard to deal with THAT question. I've been through the very same thing. My father passed Oct. 3rd this year. He would constantly ask me if he was ok, & was everything else ok. ( affairs in order, was my mother being taken care of, grandchildren ok, etc... )
I was CONSTANTLY reassuring him. ( the sad thing about my situation was, toward the end , he couldn't remember 5 minutes,after you would tell him )
And like you, I got sooo tired & burned out. Bit I just kept right on reassuring & since he has passed I am SO thankful that I was there for him & did what I did.
All I can tell you is, it won't last forever, hang in there, but also take some time for yourself.
If it's near the end, be there for them but also take care of yourself.
Will pray for you to have strength & endurance to get through this. It's hard! But God is good & He will give you the strength to carry on.
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God bless you today go to a church we all at some point in life need spiritual help we are not alone God will be there all the time to help us go through difficult times, Jesus Christ the son of God gave His life for us yet being sinners He died so we can have life and enjoy it to the fullest, I encourage you to go to a church, pray and read the bible its a life changing experience, blessings
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My heart goes out to you. So difficult, but if it were me I would bite my tongue and try to lie. And yes then change the subject. And I would vent to someone else whenever possible. When I was in that situation I talked to family, friends, anyone who would listen. If hospice is involved, they have free counselors that you may be able to call and talk to. And keep writing on here. People here know what you're going through and will listen and support you. The roller coaster situation is one of the most painful to deal with in my opinion. My sympathies.
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Yes, the roller coaster is so difficult for those of us who survive it. My mom was up and down for several years. When I brought in hospice, she lived a week longer. But she'd been going downhill for four months at that time. With mom in that last week, one time I'd go over and she'd be semi-comatose on the bed, then the next time, she'd be up watching TV. It just about made me crazy. The emotional up and down was mentally and physically exhausting and that was just for a week. So I can so empathize with how mentally and physically draining it is.

As others have said, please lean on the hospice people. And any friends who will listen. One friend who came and sat with me on mom's last day is now going through something similar with her mom, so I can be there for her. Please keep coming back here and let us know how you're doing. We get what you're going through.
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Victorious66
why do you assume she is a christian?
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Who says you have to be a Christian to go to church? I agree that it helps, but it's not compulsory.
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I would tell her everything will be okay, Christian or not. Because it will be.
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