So your MIL is living with you and your husband? What bills is your MIL paying if she is living with you? Did your MIL appoint your Husband as her Durable POA and POA-Health Care? Are there any of your MIL's bills (such as health, life insurance, Medicare supplemental health insurance?) that can be put on automatic payment plan? Does your MIL use "online banking"?
When my Mom's lived at home, I assisted her with writing checks and paying bills. I did monitor my Mother's checking account(s) via "online banking" as it was easier to get an account balance for her whenever she wanted one (which was almost everyday). I did set up the "online banking" with Mom's approval and I would print out summaries of Mom's checking accounts for her to review. But it also allowed me to keep track of any checks that she wrote that I had not assisted her with. {Just something for your husband to think about in case he needs to monitor his Mother's checking account in the future.}
Thank you thank you for your answers .you are making sense. My husband and I are new at this. His mother (the one are keeping ) is slowly slipping away. She is really all together and the next day it's a different story. We have moved her from her home and she wants to go home . She is still writing her own checks for bills and tries to balance her checkbook. She is saying that she is visiting and wants to go home. This move is only a week old. So your answers are a god send to me. Any suggestions are welcomed.
On this site, when someone posts and says their LO (loved one) wants to “go home” we often advise that they be told “We’re having the house fixed up for you while you’re away.” Of course, the house is never “finished” but the excuse seems to placate the person.
Let her do her checks as long as she can, but keep a supervisory eye on it. We have posts from caregivers who tell us their LO have gotten into deep financial do-do when checks bounce or when their LO orders things they don’t need. At $33 Service fee for a bounced check, it can add up fast! 🙁
Also, some unasked for advice, but it is given with the best of intentions; as was said, trying to reason with, correct, dissuade. convince or otherwise argue with someone with dementia who is insistent on something is futile, annoying and stressful to all parties. We say “agree and redirect”. Change the subject and suggest going out for a walk or sharing coffee over an old photo album.
And, one more thing. Dementia is a mean and nasty disease. There is no reverse gear. Sometimes I think the disagreeable traits our LO had before dementia are magnified by it. It is no shame and not dishonorable to admit it’s defeated you and Mom needs to be placed in a facility. Even if you promised her and everyone else that you’d NEVER put her in a nursing home. At what price to your own sanity? It hurts my heart when caretakers post here and rant about how they absolutely hate their LO and will do literally anything to get out. I’m sad this is how they will remember their LO. Make sure you and your husband and his family, if any, have a plan of action in effect if this happens.
Not much information here. What is the person you are caring for being unreasonable about?
The simple answer, Judy, is that you don’t try to reason with them. Your profile says you are caring for someone with dementia. People with that disease firmly believe what they say. You cannot tell them they’re wrong. You cannot get them to see your side of the argument or discussion. You will only frustrate yourself and anger them if you persist in correcting them. Their brains, as we say here, are broken. If you find yourself trying to reason with the person you are caring for and you are becoming angry and stressed, leave the room.
I'm going through something similar here... I've decided that you cannot have a rational conversation with someone who isn't being rational. Is this person being unreasonable because of some kind of mental defect (dementia) or because they are stubborn or possibly both?
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When my Mom's lived at home, I assisted her with writing checks and paying bills. I did monitor my Mother's checking account(s) via "online banking" as it was easier to get an account balance for her whenever she wanted one (which was almost everyday). I did set up the "online banking" with Mom's approval and I would print out summaries of Mom's checking accounts for her to review. But it also allowed me to keep track of any checks that she wrote that I had not assisted her with. {Just something for your husband to think about in case he needs to monitor his Mother's checking account in the future.}
Let her do her checks as long as she can, but keep a supervisory eye on it. We have posts from caregivers who tell us their LO have gotten into deep financial do-do when checks bounce or when their LO orders things they don’t need. At $33 Service fee for a bounced check, it can add up fast! 🙁
Also, some unasked for advice, but it is given with the best of intentions; as was said, trying to reason with, correct, dissuade. convince or otherwise argue with someone with dementia who is insistent on something is futile, annoying and stressful to all parties. We say “agree and redirect”. Change the subject and suggest going out for a walk or sharing coffee over an old photo album.
And, one more thing. Dementia is a mean and nasty disease. There is no reverse gear. Sometimes I think the disagreeable traits our LO had before dementia are magnified by it. It is no shame and not dishonorable to admit it’s defeated you and Mom needs to be placed in a facility. Even if you promised her and everyone else that you’d NEVER put her in a nursing home. At what price to your own sanity? It hurts my heart when caretakers post here and rant about how they absolutely hate their LO and will do literally anything to get out. I’m sad this is how they will remember their LO. Make sure you and your husband and his family, if any, have a plan of action in effect if this happens.
The simple answer, Judy, is that you don’t try to reason with them. Your profile says you are caring for someone with dementia. People with that disease firmly believe what they say. You cannot tell them they’re wrong. You cannot get them to see your side of the argument or discussion. You will only frustrate yourself and anger them if you persist in correcting them. Their brains, as we say here, are broken. If you find yourself trying to reason with the person you are caring for and you are becoming angry and stressed, leave the room.
It's maddening, I know.
You can empathize with the feeling ( I'm so sorry your purse is missing. Can I help look for it after dinner?)
You can distract, redirect with another activity, with food, or music.
You can Google Teepa Snow and watch her videos.
It's so very frustrating!