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I feel as though my mother is resentful that I am continuing with my day-to-day life now that she’s limited. She makes mean comments about my spending decisions as well as opportunities that our daughter receives. Her comments are mean and I struggle and am left distraught and sad. I’ve worked hard my entire life to be able to provide for myself and continue to be present for her and ensure her safety.

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I too have a 92 year old mother who yells at me, always gives me dirty looks when I speak to anybody who just happens to be in the same room. I have taken this for 30 years and now I am 70 and feel sad and depressed from years of her meanness. I am always wrong even though I have taken care of 4 hospitals for 6 years. She even screamed about me just talking about a church activity. I can no longer continue to speak to her because she only wants to fight with me. I am just staying away from her for a while I just can not begin to fix this, it has gone on too long. I am mad at myself for letting it go on this long. It is too bad I am so depressed at this stage of my life. I wanted you to know, you are not alone, but I have not the answer either.
Redrose
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My mom just did this to me by threatening to throw away ALL my stuff!

I can't move out fast enough!
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In my heart I felt God sent her a message to stop lying on me to others and ruining my reputation. Also, the flood(2nd time) was a gentle nudge to remind her that accidents happen and I am always there for her. I like to think it was a lesson. However with dementia and disability it may have just been a coincidence.
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You walk out. If you are living with her, move out.
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She is jealous and has lost the ability to filter her thoughts before speaking. She may also be suffering from anxiety. Consider getting her an appointment with a psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment.

You might also consider finding ways to get others involved in her care so you have more "time off" from caregiving and the nasty comments.
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Get into therapy.
Walk away. Do not abuse yourself by listening.
You need to do this for yourself ... as well, you need to be a role model for your daughter. You do not want her to 'take this abuse' - (or learn that it is acceptable to take it; it is not).

I understand. We are run by our conditioning, fears, traumas and need to process through them with new neuron-connectors in our brain; we need to rewire our brain synapses with new thoughts and new behavior.

WALK AWAY.
HANG UP.
GET THERAPY.

If she lives in your home, move her out. This is toxic for you.
You can be compassionate towards her and her disease at the same time you set limits / boundaries and take care of yourself / the quality of your life ... that you've worked hard to do.

Certainly you are not alone. I'd bet 99.9% of us are 'wired' or 'triggered' by our (adorning - eh... no) mothers who may have only done / behaved with their children the same way they were treated by their mother. Someone(s) need to break the chain. It is up to you. Get those pliers out. And lots of self love and self compassion.

Sending you healing courage,
Gena Galenski
Touch Matters
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It takes thick skin and I don’t always have it. I either go silent or get upset or cry. It’s a cornucopia of emotions lol. I often times feel jealously as well and then sabotage. I live with my mom and she is also very controlling of me. If I don’t agree or keep my mouth shut ( at doctors or regarding her meds) she says she is kicking me out. It’s been a weapon for five years. Last time she did this I left and came home and she had flooded the entire house with water bottom floor. She never said sorry tho. I believe in my heart God was giving her a message. It hurts and I’m always scared of what she might do or is capable of.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2022
What message was "God giving mom" when she flooded your entire home with water??
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Reach out to caregiver support groups in your community.
Alz/ Dementia caregiver support groups may be available.

Practice good self care with appropriate exercise, diet, boundaries settings, support from your faith group etc.

Do you have any help in home so that you can schedule your own needs outside the home and share the pt care demands with? If not, it is probably time to learn what is available both in home, day care outside home, and/ or placement options. Be sure that you have POA authorization in place to make the safe and appropriate decisions now or later for your mother who from your note is not capable of doing so even now.

Speak with her physician, get referrals to help guide you.

Redirect the conversation when she is inappropriate or simply ignore and walk away, if she is safe.

It is very common for dementia patients to lash out at their primary caregiver ( PCG) and that's you, at this time. Unpleasant to say the least. Each person has to decide where their limits are...
Peace
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There comes a point in time when you need to shift your perspective from your parent to being a caregiver. With dementia their thoughts are not always clear or those of the person you knew. The best you can do it try to divert her comments to other people elsewhere. As for yourself just ignore anything she says. Just imagine you speak a different language and can not understand anything she says. It would not bother you because you did not understand her.
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I am finding it helpful to ignore and say I am here because your my father and i love you. Then leave,before I go I tell him when I will next see him. cause my sister and I rotate our visits, I am able to say k will see you next then I will be back on...

Its working now, not sure how much longer it will work?

That love part seems to get him off gaurd.
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baileyif Oct 2022
but it is VERY difficult when I read to include the elder in decisions it is their life. Thats a bridge I'm not able to cross. No difference between 78 and 40 in his mind.
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When my mom lived with us for 5 years, when she had Alzheimer's, she would tell me, sometimes, to "Drop dead and go 'someplace warm'" This was over nothing, by the way. My mom never spoke to anyone about anything, in that way, let alone to me, about nothing. I tried to develop a sense of humor about it, to balance out the distress. When she'd let loose with these insults, Hubby would remind me that "It wasn't really 'my mother,'" and he was right: it was the disease talking. I even wrote a book about our trials and travails called, "My mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (My dog and my mom were diagnosed with their respective illnesses around the same time, and I was the caregiver to both.) I found that writing was therapeutic, even if it didn't become a book. Best of luck.
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baileyif Oct 2022
your a strong woman. my hat off to you.
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Alismomis80: Perhaps your mother requires placement in a managed care facility, quite possibly Memory Care. An individual with dementia will, unfortunately, utter mean words as the person's (in this case, your mother) brain is damaged.
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I have at times walked out and gone on a walk or shopping downtown just to get away. Usually my mom calms down after that. We are human and can only take so much. They tell me that the key to working with dementia people is to provide a distraction if you can. Do not take her behavior too personally if possible. I know it hurts and you feel unappreciated, sometimes we do all we can. Is there a social worker or organization you can contact. Caregivers need resources too. You tube has some excellent dementia educatioal, helpful videos that may help you too.
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My mother was always a screamer and anyone in her way would do. Nothing has changed as she's aged.

For my entire life she could reduce me to tears with her sharp tongue.

Then one day about a year ago it happened again. She screamed at me and I broke down crying.

And then for some reason that was the end of my tears. A shrink could probably put a label on it, but when she screams at me I no longer feel anything. I consider that a good thing.

If you're reactive to your mother, I totally get it. I hope you can learn to look at your mother and her negative, hurtful comments as a whistle in the wind and not let it get you down.
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Your mother has dementia disease your Mom or you cannot control. She is not "Mother" anymore, but do not take it personally nor argue.

😐
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2022
@Patahome01

I've heard many people say the person with dementia is no longer Mom/Dad/Spouse/Sibling/etc... anymore.
That's when they need to go into managed care. No one would allow a a random stranger to move into their house then ruin their life and possibly the lives of their family by insisting on caring for the stranger themselves.
Managed care. If someone is too poor to pay cash for this (no one can) at some point they go on Medicaid and that pays.
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The very best thing I did when I took over POA for my mother (NPD and ALZ) was NOT let her move onto our property. We (I) briefly considered it, and my husband went into overtime telling me all the reasons he felt it was a bad idea but said that he would make it happen if I insisted. Well - I listened to him and boy, am I glad I did! Yes, it would have been so much easier on my schedule to have her close by, but she would have been inside my sanctuary that - it turns out - I have needed badly. Soooo...whatever you do, don't do that!

I also knew she could not live on her own any longer so I moved her into Assisted Living (and now, Memory Care). The biggest advantage this gave me was that WHEN she became abusive to the point of getting under my skin, I could leave her for a few days and know that she was taken care of while I was taking a little down time to recover from her words. I retreat to my home, my happy place, and isolate a bit to do things that edify me and to do productive things that don't get done when I am tending to her more.

Another thing I do is to give myself permission to leave my daughter role while she is being abusive and be a caretaker only. This helps me to draw a fence around the abuse in my own mind, even if not in hers.

I have also called her out on her poor treatment - I try to do this in the most loving way I can, and I realize that nothing I say will change her, but it makes me feel better to stand up for myself. "Mom, I'm trying to give you the very best I can because I love you, but I don't have to be treated this way." Usually, followed shortly, by "I love you Mom. I will see you in a few days."

About a month ago, I had to move Mom to MC because she assaulted the nurse at her AL and she eloped from there twice. Although she and I made the decision about AL together, I didn't give her a choice on the MC facility. I had to move her in a very short timeframe AND there was nowhere locally for me to take her so I chose a place that seemed to be the best I could find and not as inconvenient for me as any of the other places. I took her there while hubs and son moved her stuff out of her AL. She was furious - she hated the place, hated being behind a locked door, hated the people, hated the food. Hate. Hate. Hate. She told me I ruined her life. I responded that I wasn't trying to ruin her life but I needed to know she is somewhere safe. She responded that I had ruined her life the day I was born. That hurt. Deeply. These were the types of words I heard after my dad died and I no longer had him to buffer me against her NPD. I'm so thankful that I have worked through all of that to become a better person, but it still gets through, doesn't it?

But take a minute to think about things from her perspective. How must it be to find your life shrinking to nothing right before you? Wouldn't you be jealous of your daughter who gets to go about a normal life? Wouldn't you hate to see your hard-earned autonomy taken away "in the interest of your safety?" I find that I can't really blame my mom for being unhappy with her life - I wouldn't love it either. The unfortunate part is that she has no idea how to express her unhappiness without tearing me down. I do find, though, that having a little bit of empathy about her situation helps me be the better person, the better caretaker, that I want to be - even if she doesn't deserve it.

In the end, you will survive this and she won't (barring unusual circumstances). You need to protect yourself so that you reach the end okay. Part of that is that you have to act and do in such a way that you can look at yourself in the mirror and feel you did the best you could. Just bear in mind, the best is NEVER ideal, no matter who you - or she - are.
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Please remember the brain is deteriorating. I conduct Alzheimer's training sessions for families with family members who have Alzheimer's. We lash out at the ones we know will not leave us. The one's most familiar. It's not easy and leaving a room and reapproaching can help sometimes. Changing the scenery or offering ice cream...anything to switch the behavior. Taking a deep breath and realizing that you are appreciated and are doing a great job is so important for your well being.
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Assisted Living would free both of you up to live your best lives. Please call " A Place for Mom" or the Care Advisor here on this website (right side). Take mom on some visits and let her choose.

Perhaps an appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist can off both of you alternatives for your relationship.
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When she is mean to you, I would leave the room and try to remember that is not the mother you've known, the disease changes their brain and the filter they used to have progressively disappears and they also may be resentful about the turn their life has taken and the limitations of it. I think we would all be very unhappy about that if it happened to us, but it still doesn't mean it's ok for your mom to be rude to you even though she may not be able to help it.

My mom has made plenty of snide remarks about how my children spend their money. They're well off and have earned it so they have the right to spend it, vacation and travel as they like. I'm proud of them and happy they're comfortable, more comfortable than I am. My mom's remarks stem a bit from jealousy that her life growing up in the era of the Great Depression, was more difficult and humble, and even when her economic fortunes increased, she was still pretty frugal and raised us to be the same way even though we didn't have to be. That's her world view, so when she sees my children travel all over, it rankles her.

I also think it reminds her that they don't come to see her or call her except once in a blue moon, like if they can go to Europe, why won't they come see her? She's mostly to blame for that, as when they were growing up she was not particularly interested in them, was very busy with work, her church and whatever husband she had at the time. She never really sought or developed any relationship with them, moved away and rarely came to visit so they don't really know her or have feelings for her and we went on with our lives. We did go to visit her, so they at least knew her somewhat. However, they feel like she places a guilt trip on them so that's not helpful. My mom recalls living near her grandma and spending every weekend with her, so she expects that of my children and that they should care about and love her just because she's their grandma, so when they don't she's offended. Most of my kids do try to communicate with her once in a while, but those she's offended have stopped trying. It's sad but a good reminder that it is important to stay in touch with and be interested in the lives of our loved ones. Being self-centered or just plain too busy means you may be more alone in your later years.

My mom is in the middle stages of Alzheimer's and has a lot of memory problems, but tells her friends she's perfectly fine and they believe her, say she wouldn't lie to them. She fell and broke her hip and declined so much after that and even after months she didn't return to how she was before but her condition has advanced so she was discharged from the SNF to a nice care home I found because I cannot be her caretaker and doctors said that was the only safe option for her aside from memory care. She's angry at me and her doctors, thinks they don't know what they're doing and thinks she should be able to go back to the way things were before but unfortunately that can't happen. I do understand how upsetting that is for her, even though she's in a very nice place with good care - it isn't her home. She conspires with others who are trying to get her out, which is very upsetting and her demands keep me constantly on edge. Like others, there are boundaries I've had to set and I sometimes let her calls go to voicemail so I can see if it is something that can wait or not. She has good care where she is, but the constant agitation caused by her well-meaning friends who talk badly about me, make her doubt my care for her and as they've threatened to have her change my POA, it has made it very hard for me to rest. I too just want some peace!
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You have to adopt an attitude if “ this is not the mother I knew, and not hold the comments. They are neither true or helpful. She doesn’t understand true so do not accept her opinions and words.
build yourself up with positive moments- go on a walk, shop, listen to music. Care for yourself because the current experiences drain you .
best wishes
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I don’t live with my father but when I visit and his ALZ is making him awful, swearing, aggressive, angry, and mean, I leave. I just leave. I try to divert and make peace and give a little time to change his mood. But if it doesn’t work I tell him I won’t stay and be yelled at so I am leaving to run some errands and when I get back in a couple of hours I expect him to be civil. That usually works, and most often he is much calmer when I get back and often apologizes. But if I get back and he’s still itching for a fight I leave again and head to my mother’s an hour away and tell him I will be back tomorrow. I know that this doesn’t work for everybody as many caregivers have no where to escape to or their LO is way to advanced to be left alone. But in my estimation when it comes to that level of advancement of the disease it’s time for placement. I know these are our loved ones, but NOBODY should live being emotionally and sometimes physically abused even if it’s the disease that’s doing it.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2022
@Caregiverstress

I completely agree. When the dementia progresses to the point where the person can't be left alone for a minute, it's time for placement.
I've missed out on many caregiving assignments for having this kind of honest approach, Many families will keep an elderly "loved one" at home far longer than they should.
When they've hit the point where they become nasty, belligerent toddlers in diapers that cna't be left alone in a room to watch tv for five minutes, it's time for placement.
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20 years ago my mother said some mean things to me. I was not happy about that and I lashed out at her. I couldn't believe she had said such mean things. Then she died. I then learned that she had dementia and I was mad at myself! I cared for my Daddy after that and did I ever learn what dementia and Alz was! I thought my Mama was bad... well Daddy was worst! Well, I never lashed out at my Daddy and I forgave my Mama and I have tried to forgive myself. No one tells us about this stuff even the doctors, they live with it daily and think we know what they know because they have already said it to the guy before us. Well, let me tell you its not her its her disease. If you can hire someone to come in to be with her for a while, like helping Angels or a friend that will help. I have a great friend who, for my birthday gave me tickets to a show and she stayed with my Daddy while I went! I will never, ever forget that! It was 4 hours of wonderful! And my friend did that several times. Just remember your mom loves you. Cyber hugs
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The only real defenses you have are A. Learn to not listen, not to take to heart…learn to ignore or blow it off. B. Have her placed in a facility where she is safe, but out of your home. Visit her, and when she starts, see option A., or leave.

What you are hearing is not your mom. It’s the disease. That’s not all that helpful, especially if she’s telling other crap and they are “uninformed” enough to believe her.

Even if you argue, prove her wrong, clap back, it’s fruitless. She will not remember, or hear, or believe anything you say. So don’t waste your breath.

Personally, I think you may try placing her in a facility. That way she’s safe, and you can get on with your life and visit her as much as you can, however leave when the nastiness starts.
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I know it hurts, however, please know this is a disease of power....and it has mercy. This is a disease that takes over and completely monopolized the brain and every other organ.

I will suggest that you dive deep into knowledge about how Altzheimers works and how it literally suffocates an individual's essence.
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Understand that she is depressed and may be an “adult toddler” at times.

It’s hard to switch roles to parenting your parents. Stay calm and firm. Let the insults bounce off you and she won’t get the “reward” of finding your Achilles’ heel.

if this lashing out is new, she might benefit from a geriatric psychiatrist.

Take comfort in knowing you aren’t alone. Blow off your steam when you’re alone.
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WATER OFF A DUCKS BACK:
Best advice I've heard, tried and helped is you have to realize she doesn't know what she is doing or saying nor does she mean it. Don't let the ugliness or hurtfulness of her words upset you. She doesn't know what she is saying nor probably remember any of it tomorrow.

When my Mom does this it's like watching GROUNDHOG DAY as it is always the same scene over and over. She's so disappointed in me she wishes she'd never had me. How can you live with yourself? There's no reply that is going to stop the verbal abuse at that point so there's not point in getting upset or playing her little game.

Mom's name is Katherine but I call that other personality "CATHY" which she doesn't like at all. Probably cause I say it so sarcastically. I wanted Cathy to experience GROUNDHOG DAY too so when CATHY comes in the room I just say, Excuse me CATHY I have to water the plants out back and leave. Rather play my game than Cathy's. And it works.
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deblarue Oct 2022
Thank you, I needed to laugh!!! and what you say is absolutely true!!! EVERYTHING you have written, I've experienced myself with my mom (93, dementia) and you are absolutely right, you either take charge and play your game or let the dementia take charge and play it's game, which will drain you!
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My mother is the same I do everything for her but she says nasty things about me to my sons she is now in a care home as I couldn’t cope at the beginning it used to really upset me but I have learned to ignore her hurtful comments as I have accepted it’s the dementia talking and not her good luck
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2022
@Taylorb1

Tell your sons that when your mother starts saying nasty things about you that they are to shut her down at once.
Instruct them to tell her that they will not tolerate her speaking so about their mother and that they will stop visiting if she cannot keep herself under control.
Then they should get up and leave. End of visit.
Do this every time.
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You must, always, keep in mind she doesn't know what she is saying or the consequences. Don't allow yourself to be hurt by things she doesn't mean and can't control! And don't snap at her or say mean things to her that you will regret having said later. You will forget it shortly and she has already forgotten that she said it!
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Does not sound like dementia. What sort of limits does she have? Is she unable to walk? Do you have to change her diapers? Does she punch, hit, bite you? Pull your hair? Do you have to feed her? You are able to walk away from her & she will not need someone to help her with all ADLs all day?
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Dementia often reaches a point where the behaviors become intolerable and the elder needs placement in a Memory Care ALF. You are fully entitled to enjoy your life and all you've worked hard for w/o being reminded of what choices your mother disagrees with. She's had her life with all it's opportunities to make 'poor decisions', and you now have yours.

If your mother continues to make mean and inappropriate comments to you, leaving you distraught and sad, make a conscious decision to change the scenario: get her into Memory Care AL or into Skilled Nursing, or hire in home caregivers (on her dime, of course) to take care of her instead of subjecting yourself to the ongoing mudslinging. Yes, I know she has dementia and 'can't help it', but I also know that you are entitled to have YOUR OWN LIFE here too.

What changes can YOU make to facilitate that? Your mother is 79 years old, according to your profile, meaning this scenario can go on for another decade easily. My mother passed at 95 years old, after suffering from dementia for at least 7 years. And her nastiness only worsened as the dementia progressed. Fortunately, she lived in Assisted Living and then segued into Memory Care AL for the last 3 years of her life, so I could keep my contact with her limited.

Wishing you the best of luck prioritizing your OWN life while making sure mom is kept safe.
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