My father died a month before COVID hit. When the ALF in which they lived was about to quarantine my mom so soon after his passing, she asked to be brought home, which we did immediately, thinking it would be a short time situation. Mom is 91 and went on hospice shortly after Dad died. She isn't "terminal" but she wants no further life-sustaining treatment if she has another heart-attack, etc. Hospice care has been superlative. We should treat all our elderly so well.
We also have an in-home caregiver who we hired some months after mom came home to live with my sister and BIL. Sister had gone back to work (she'd been home during lots of the COVID lockdown season) and BIL is quite disabled himself, so more companionship, meal-prep was needed. We did not think this would be a long-term arrangement but it has become one.
Caregiver is 55 years old. I live down the street and handle mom's financial business while sister handles more the medical/day-to-day stuff and mostly we all manage together pretty well. But caregiver's health is in decline and mom's needs are not going away. Instead, they are growing with each passing week. We have come to love Caregiver, and have always tried to treat her as fairly as possible, and have paid her 50% for sick time. I didn't want her to be motivated to come to work if she was unwell for fear of passing something to mom. But she is now getting to the place where she is sick a lot. I paid her for the month of December at 50% when we didn't see her at all, except when I went to her home to pay her and check on her. We have reduced her hours to try to reduce the strain on her, hired another person to cover some of those hours, and reduced her responsibilities in the home to try to help support her health. Her family needs the income as much as we need her.
But I think (as does sister) that it is probably time to let her go, but boy I hate to do it. She loves mom. Mom loves her. When she is there she manages mom's needs/demands and supports her well. But her well-being is a constant question and her attendance is becomeing more and more unreliable which pushes back on us. She really needs to not be working, but her family is not in a sustainable position without this income. So I am between a rock and a hard place.
She is our employee, not a family member, so I know that I need to have better boundaries. We'd hoped that she would arrive at the conclusion that she can no longer work, but I just don't think she'll do that.
It takes such a village to care for an elderly LO, and our mom is in darn good shape by comparison to so many. I've suggested to sister that maybe mom should return to ALF but she is opposed (as is the far-away sister who calls mom nearly daily and helps meet her social needs from the other side of the country). There are four family members (sister, BIL, me, my husband) plus 2 caregivers on our team, but man, it is hard to manage when even one is out of sorts (and our family has enough challenges without those we employ having troubles). I can't take responsibility for Caregiver's family's survival, but I feel pretty awful making their situation worse, and letting her go will really do that.
I also find that we're the opposite of many of those I see on this board. Sister/BIL live with mom (it is mom's home) and they're the ones who believe they can continue to manage with her there (with our help plus hired help). I'm down the street and it is getting to be too much for me. I do feel like a weakling in that way.
Anyone have any compassionate ideas for how to let this lovely person, who has given us incredible support during this deeply difficult world and personal situation, the word that it is time for us to move on in mom's best interests? How would you all handle this? Maybe this is all TMI and I just needed to vent. Any suggestions are welcome.
You say you love this person, but this person is taking 50% salary from you when not showing up for a month. So I am thinking you need to consider if this love is going one way only, because in all honesty THAT IS NOT RIGHT, and this person, were she being upright and honest with you should long ago have come to YOU and say "I love your Mom and I love you and I hope I can still visit, but this is no longer fair to you. You count on me showing up and I am not always able to".
If you wish to give some help and support to this woman, that is up to you if you can afford to do so. But right now this is not a good relationship of employee/employer. When you make friends of those who work for you, outside of bright and sunny politeness, you are muddying waters in a way that can definitely come back to bite you.
I would give written notice that as of (give date) you cannot any longer have her in your Mom's service. That you have enjoyed her and that you hope she can remain friends.
In all truth, if this woman is bringing illnesses into the home this isn't good for your Mom.
If she asks to talk to you I again would not focus on reasons other than to say that you need someone who can be more reliably counted on to be there during working hours and working days and that Mom is in a condition that you can't have her exposed to illnesses. That you are making decisions for Mom's care and her safety, and that it has nothing to do with personal feelings, that you enjoy her and hope she will visit anytime she feels like it and feels well.
Again, don't mix up hiring people and friendships. It makes it so difficult for everyone involved.
You can’t carry her financially indefinitely. So, if I were in your shoes, I would give a final check as generous as I could afford and with a sincere thank for her service.
As far as letting your caregiver go, with compassion of course, the bottom line is this: the woman is no longer doing a job for your family but is STILL getting paid! That is not sustainable for anyone, under any circumstances, for more than a few months. You have been very kind to have been paying her at 50% salary for all this time, and she should be very grateful; I know I would be, if I were in her shoes! You need to just be truthful with her now, and say that your mother can no longer AFFORD to keep paying her, that she is no longer in good enough health to keep working in such a strenuous job, and for those reasons, you need to terminate her employment with you, as much as you like her & appreciate all she's done for you over the years. Thank you so much, but now this situation is no longer viable for EITHER one of us, if the truth were to be said. Of course she's happy to KEEP taking money from you, the woman is not stupid!
I have a neighbor who's been paying her housekeeper at 50% wages since 2020, when the plague first broke out. She's still too afraid to have this housekeeper enter her home to actually CLEAN, but she keeps paying her b/c the woman 'needs the money.' Okayyyyyyy, to me, that's ridiculous. To me, either have the woman clean your home or terminate her employment. That's how business works. This is not a friend or a charity case, but a business arrangement that my neighbor is foolish to perpetuate, but the housekeeper would be foolish NOT to allow to BE perpetuated! To her it's a win, to my neighbor, it's a lose.
You have every right to terminate this CGs employment now, with your best wishes & highest reference, and even a small gift of appreciation to show your gratitude for a job well done. But enough is enough already! I wouldn't give her a severance paycheck either; she's HAD one for all this time, when you think about it!
As far as the 'far away sister who is opposed to mom returning to the ALF but who calls mom nearly daily and helps meet her social needs from the other side of the country' goes, how exactly is she meeting her social needs by calling on the phone 'nearly' every day? That's a joke and being opposed to her returning to the ALF is irrelevant. The social stimulation your mother would receive in the ALF is likely to be SO beneficial to her and to YOU that it would take a load off of everyone to get that ball back in motion. I am totally convinced that my mother lived to the ripe old age of 95 precisely BECAUSE she lived in Assisted Living and had people fawning all over her 24/7 and activities to keep her busy all day long, every day. Even in Memory Care, she thrived as a result. A few family members at home can never duplicate the social environment that takes place in an ALF, and your sister is kidding herself by thinking her phone calls do such a thing! Meanwhile, YOU are living down the street and doing the boots on the ground caregiving, not your sister! Hello? YOU are the one with a bigger voice in the decision making process here!
Wishing you the best of luck with all the decisions you have to make going forward.
There is social safety net that your caregiver can apply to for financial help for her family. YOU are not that safety net.
A nice serverence check would be nice if mom can afford it, but don't feel that you need to support this person ad infinitum.
I had a client who at the time also needed someone to come for maybe an hour or so in the PM to heat up dinner for them and the spouse, make sure the couple took their pills which were pre-measured by me and put into cups, and helped the wife wash up and get ready for bed.
I brought in a friend of mine who had never been a caregiver. At the time this was all they needed. My friend needed the extra money. She's decent and honest too.
Well, about six months or so in, the job started to change. The client was no longer using a toilet and was now in diapers. She couldn't walk and now had a wheelchair. Her dementia had advanced very quickly. Now it meant getting her up and in the wheelchair for supper, etc... The husband started needing more help too.
For a little while my friend was managing. She wasn't getting the woman out of bed for supper. She wasn't correctly positioning the client in her bed.
I'd talked to her several times about the work MUST get done and if she was unable to meet the needs of this ever-changing care position, she'd have to go. The family wasn't going to hire another aide to help her. I wasn't going to work more hours to do the grunt work for her so she could stay.
The wife really liked her but she had to be replaced with a caregiver who could do the work and meet their needs.
You are correct that you can't take responsibility for the survival of the caregiver's family. This is what social programs are for.
If your mother's caregiver is unable to adequately meet her care needs she has to be replaced.
There is no wiggle room in the caregiving field. A person has to be dependable because the client care needs have to be met every day whether the hired caregiver is sick or not. The client isn't going to get themselves out of bed or change their own diaper because their caregiver can't physically do it anymore.
Your mother has to have a caregiver who can handle her care needs. The one you have cannot. Give her a severance if you're financially able to and ask if she'd be interested in fill-in work for your mom.
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