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My mom wants to be put in a nursing home. My dad doesn't want to go, but he wants to be with my mom. If she goes, he wants to be with her. I am trying to keep her at home, but she thinks she will get better care at the home. I feel like a bad daughter by putting them in there. I keep telling mom of ways to make her life easier at home, but she won't listen. Things could work out at home if she would quit with the I can't attitude. It is her mental state that is the challenge.


Should I just let it go and do what she wants?

instead of u telling her what changes could be made. How about u asking her her thoughts. maybe if u hear her things could be better. ask ur dad maybe he could get through to her to hear what she wants. it would be great if they could stay home. try to find other avenues like going out sit by the water , park etc. go out for dinner change it up a bit. seek counseling maybe she would express herself better. it sounds like u all r getting along and it sounds better than stories I've read thus far. u and her can go out for coffee something. get a thorough check from her doc. her nutritionist, etc.....
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Reply to Candyapple
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Gosh yes, certainly you should. And there's a point you might not have considered.

Even though you are doing all you can, and making all sorts of suggestions too, the fact is that looking after your father must mean work and stress for your mother that it sounds as if she's simply had enough of. If your father will go (even if it is under protest) and your mother actively wants to, then help them pack!

There are nursing homes and nursing homes, you know. Has she seen one she likes the look of?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Thanks for the update Kaye55.

"Check updated profile...thanks"

Okay, so can't afford AL, which would include most MC.

Given the conditions described, maybe, just maybe they might qualify for NH.
This should start with an assessment of their needs. IF it's determined that a NH would be the right place, then Medicaid application should be done. In general, Medicaid only pays for NH LTC (a few states have some funds for other facilities, but not much.)

I'm not familiar with how to get an assessment done. The only "assessment" my mother had was a nurse sent from the aide agency I was going to hire to try to keep her home longer. It was partly for physical needs (none really, at that time) and a test of her mental capability, aka dementia (based on what I could learn before then, most likely it was and the nurse confirmed. Others may be able to provide advice - through doctor maybe?

Additionally, when you say they are living "at home", is that their home or yours? If their home, do they own it? If yes, then a sale of the home could provide for some care, if properly invested. If it isn't their home, then with low income and no real assets, Medicaid should be approved.

While getting assessments arranged and during the application, take time to check out the options available. Not all NHs take Medicaid, and generally the number of rooms available are limited. So you need to find those that might have room and take Medicaid, but then do the 5 sense testing of the place. Never base the decision on reviews, pamphlets, etc. These *can* be helpful, but you really need to go yourself, multiple times, armed with questions for staff, and others you meet there.

Never feel like a "bad daughter" if you have to find a place for mom and dad. It IS still part of caring for them - you watch over them, visit, take them on outings if possible, advocate, bring gifts, participate in all but the physical care.
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Reply to disgustedtoo
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Kaye i have read several golf your threads. You have been asked questions on all of them but you have not responded. For you to receive thorough info we need to know more about their health and lives. I am not going to guess.
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Reply to gladimhere
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Kaye55 Sep 13, 2021
Check updated profile...thanks
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Does mom need a nursing home or would assisted work? What about dad? He must be worn out and my bet is he does not want to spend the money for facility living.

Tell us about their health so we can more be able there provide intelligent responses.
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Reply to gladimhere
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Could you arrange a respite stay of a few weeks so they can see what living in a care facility is like? You keep saying "put them in a home" like you are taking an unwanted dog to the pound. Your mother may really want to be relieved of all the cares and stresses of home care, especially if your dad also has issues.

You don’t state what kind of facility your mother wants to move to. There are multiple levels depending on her physical needs from Independent Living to Assisted Living to Memory Care to Skilled Nursing Care.
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Reply to Frances73
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I am curious why you want to keep them at home. You are being worn to a nub with it all.

You probably are not providing your mom with the best care possible, you have to much emotional baggage and resentment for her to truly be the best option, no judgment just fact based on your other posts, I wouldn't be able to be a good caregiver to my mom for similar issues. Heck, I have so many issues with her it is a subscription.

You really should get a needs assessment for both of them and start looking at facilities that will best serve both of their needs. Especially since dad is the one that is sicker, you won't have to deal with her in the event he passes first, she will already be established in her new home and that would be reason enough for me.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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As stated, this is a very unusual request! More information might explain it better.

How old are your parents? Do they live with you, or in their own home? Do they have support – a cleaner, meals on wheels, etc? What are mother’s reasons for thinking she needs more assistance? Is she really in need of 24 hour nursing care? Is there something worrying her that you don’t know about – a fear of cancer or some other serious issue? And why do you feel guilty, if it’s what they want? Do they really know what a nursing home is like - none of them are much fun, even when the care is excellent. How would your father cope with living in a normal nursing home? Do you suspect that your mother may be keen on the idea of being waited on hand and foot? Or is she thinking of an interesting AL she has heard about?

Respite care sounds like a really good idea, even if just for a couple of weeks. It could give all of you a better idea about the options. This is a choice that could go badly wrong!
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Candyapple Sep 16, 2021
love ur response. those r great questions that she did not add. respite sounds good. i think its better to stay put or parents stay in there own homes and have caregivers come , family ppl rotate. to me if ur blessed having a home and can live out ur life there do so. u can do exchange room and board they can have a day or so off. there r ways right?
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Assessments for their needs might be the way to go. You don't really specify what their needs are. If dementia is involved, being in an AL with potential to move to MC in the same facility might work. Generally NHs are geared more for those who need skilled nursing care. If neither need that kind of care, then it likely isn't the right fit for them.

While it's noble to want to keep them home, if she's truly unhappy, perhaps you can find an AL that does "respite" care and try it for a month or 2. See how things go. If she's still unhappy, they can return back to your place. If they seem to do well, then extend it to see if it remains "stable." If so, then likely this would be a good fit. It shouldn't hurt to give it a try.

We don't often hear about those who WANT to go to a facility. Usually it is a fight to get a LO to even consider it (my mother was one of those, despite AL being in her own plans before dementia came knocking.)
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Reply to disgustedtoo
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I agree, have her evaluated first. Dad too. Then you know what level of care they need. Then look at their finances. Call around to see what Assisted Livings will run them. They can share a living space. Some have small apts. With my SILs parents Dad had ALZ and needed care, Mom didn't. So the got an apt in an AL. She was able to enjoy the outings and activities knowing when she wasn't there, he was being watched and cared for. Even if its a nice LTC facility, Dad may enjoy the activities there.

If they both go together than you have no problems concerning assets. But if one goes in and the other remains in the home, the parent staying in the home is considered the Community spouse. Then assets have to be split, those of the NH parent gets spent down then Medicaid applied for. The CS stays in the home and gets enough if not all of the monthly income of SS and pensions, if applicable, to live on.

Be glad that Mom wants this and help them find a place they can afford and live in. Dad may find out he likes having 3 meals a day cooked for him and things to do if he wants to.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Have her evaluated to find the correct level of care. Her doctor should be able to help with this. And also evaluate her need for meds for depression if that’s a factor, it’s common. Respect what she’s saying, it’s not just attitude. My dad was exhausted by the life he was living with so many health challenges and people telling him to “do better” “try harder” “change his attitude” not only didn’t help, but was counterproductive. I hope you find the best solution and wish you all peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Does your mom actually NEED Skilled Nursing? You do not indicate in your profile what medical problems your mom and or dad have.
Many Assisted Living and Memory Care will allow a healthy spouse to live with the one that needs care. This way they are together and the healthy spouse can get the extra help that they need and they can also have access to the other amenities that the facility offers. As well as being able to come and go.
The fact that your mom understands that her level of care requires more that what you can safely do is commendable.
Start tours and ask if dad is able to move in with mom.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Frances73 Sep 12, 2021
That's true. There was a couple living in Mom's AL who had been married for over 70 years. She was in a wheelchair and hubby would push her around and help her with meals. He lived to be 100 years old!
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Thank you. It is her reality that I need to focus on to help her. That is what is best for her.
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Reply to Kaye55
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This is a rarity -- the parent knows better care is available in a NH.

Her "I can't" is not an attitude -- it's her reality. Ignoring what she's saying to you clearly isn't helpful.

If she feels she would receive better care in a NH, then start making arrangements.
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Reply to MJ1929
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