Anyone have advice to help a resistant parent accept their recent nursing home placement?

We had to put my MIL in assisted living after a fall. So, she went from rehabilitation straight to AL. She objected and fought it and wanted to go home. That went on for about six months. She is used to it now. It has been three years now. We could not care for her at home. Leave the guilt behind and move on. You have done your job! Your Mother can now be the caring wife and not the caregiver. Your Dad will be okay. Take care of yourself and just know that you are a wonderful, caring daughter.

You could also give him a little time and see how he does.

Monitor him very well. This will help you determine what you should do.

You know what you can and can not do.

It's a tough situation to deal with, emotionally, but it's the right decision that's been made here, since your mother is no longer able to care for your father at home. In spite of your heart wanting to get your dad out of there, you can't bring him back home to your mom because she's not capable of caring for him anymore. Unless you want to pick him up and bring him home with YOU, then that is a family decision you'd have to talk over with the people living in your home. Bearing in mind that a sudden, dramatic decline in mental and physical health in an 82 year old man normally requires a team of 24/7 care givers, not 1 or 2 unqualified family members who may wind up staying up all night as a result. There is a lot more involved with the care of a dementia patient than an average person realizes.........A LOT. Which is why Memory Care homes are popping up like flowers on every street corner these days.

If you go that route, please be sure to educate yourself about what you'll be taking on first. Go to Alzheimers.org and read up; also watch some Teepa Snow videos, they're wonderful.

Wishing you the best of luck!

I understand how hard it is, to have to make a decision that is a choice between bad, worse and worst. It's the choice that hand-on caregivers have to make all the time, and it sucks. And there aren't many people who have had to make the heart-wrenching decision to place a loved one into a facility that haven't had the same feelings that you have.
You clearly love both your parents. It comes through in every word you've written. I have no doubt your heart breaks for both of them. But, if your mom isn't able, physically, mentally or emotionally to provide the level of care your dad needs, then he's in the right place. There will still be care you will provide for him, even in his new home. But now, you will have professional help to assist you and mom. And that's a GOOD thing. You will have someone to manage his medications, to get his meals, to wash and bathe him. Someone to keep an eye on him. You will have someone who can take care of dad when you can't be there - and trust me, unless you're willing to become a hermit, it's next to impossible to glue yourself to someone's side 24 hours a day 7 days a week for weeks on end. At some point you have to leave your home to take care of things.

Please, don't let other voices here add to your guilt. People love to tell you what they would do in your situation, when the very real fact is NO ONE knows what they would do in your situation until they're actually in it. In the ideal, we all like to think we can be all things to all the people we love, when the harsh reality is that is almost impossible. And it doesn't make you a failure as a daughter. Be kind to yourself, comfort your mom, and enjoy the visits you can make with dad, and in the end, it will work itself out.
(((hugs)))

Loopyloo

Thank you for your opinion. I honor it.

Now can you do the same for me, too? Can you honor my opinion?

The OP stated her heart was shattered for both of her parents. She also stated that her heart wants to get her dad out. I wouldn't want the OP to have "a broken heart."

If the OP leaves her dad in the nursing facility "that is fine" and if she brings him home "that is fine." I would want her to follow her heart's desire. Not trying to make her feel guilty. It is her decision, not mine. What ever she decides to do is not right or wrong.

This is why I said "I am not saying what you should do but what I would do."

Today is a beautiful day. Let's be kind to one another and everything we say and do, let's do it with "Love."

I have given you my heart. Blessings and Love

You were me. When I placed my mother, after a 9 month trial in my house that almost killed me, I tricked her into going and drove to the nursing home with tears streaming down my cheeks, TOTALLY CONVINCED that she wouldn’t last 6 months, and that I, her only child, was totally responsible for selfishly killing her.

Her stay turned out to be the BEST FIVE AND A HALF YEARS of her elder life.

When I recently assumed responsibility for a second cherished family member, we returned to the same facility, this time taking a placement in their also very good Memory Care. The process entering was about the same, and because this dear soul had a slightly different personality, I used the services of the on site psychiatric advisor to help her adjust to the loss of her old home and adjustment to the new.

In each case, I stayed in daily contact with the facility but did not visit until the staff and I thought it was a good time for them to see me.

Since you know that it is an unfortunate fact of dementia that it is nearly ALWAYS PROGRESSIVE, taking your dad out, however well intentioned, can result in a painful attempt to delay the inevitable. Give him a week or two at least, to adjust to his new environment.

If you can possibly convince your mom to reduce the time she answers the phone, try that.

It is in fact the hardest and worst experience for both Loving Parent and Loving Child, but in many instances, also ultimately the most loving decision among all of the less than happy choices available to you all.

Safety, peace, and physical care. The goals facing the caregiver.

Step back, mom too. Don't answer his calls, do not visit, leave him be for a couple of weeks at least. He needs to learn to trust those that are now caring for him.

I would feel the same way you do if my dad got placed into a facility.

If there is no problem for you to care for him "I would get him out in a heart beat."

I'm not saying what you should do but what I would do if I felt I could care for him.

Bless you

Very common... almost universal. He'll eventually get used to it.

Or, he won't, and will always complain. It's not uncommon for elders to be perfectly happy in nursing homes, enjoying companionship with people their own age, but then whinge endlessly to family just to get attention.

It's irrelevant either way; he's where he needs to be and you must make certain that you or your Mom don't give in and remove him.