How do you handle public bm accidents?
I'll spare the details, suffice it to say I feel sorry for the person that has to clean up the bathroom. He walks from the restroom covered in "stuff" to the car (restaurant and golf club house are the two most recent). He gets angry at me for gagging but I have to drive home with the windows open, leaning over as close as possible to the window. I do not handle things that come out of the body (except for blood for some reason).
I have carried a blanket in the car for years, so I cover the seat with that that with the command to him to not touch anything. Get home and I have to deal with the blanket, the car, and of course his clothes, while he showers, all the while I'm gagging. (Tried the Vicks under the nose, didn't help.)
He came home today and declared how sick he is, he must have covid. Sigh. Nope, he's not sick, he's incontinent and won't admit it. At home he makes it to the bathroom but in public, he explodes when he gets to the toilet. At least he gets that far (so no need for incontinence underwear), I should be thankful that he isn't actually going in his pants (although maybe this is a precursor to that?).
How do I handle this? I have no desire to ever go in a restaurant with him again. We have some have-to-do trips coming up (still dealing with dad's estate and house) and I dread the thought of having to hit all his favorite restaurants and staying in a hotel where clean up won't be easy.
I have suggested a diet change to eliminate flour and he won't hear of it. He wants his doughnuts, pizza, and subs. I hope to be able to bring this up with his PCP next week, but that will be difficult.
So, anyone have the voice of experience and can suggest something I am overlooking?
My step mother passed before my dad who had dementia...she was 9 years younger than him, but just gave up. I suspect she was in much the same situation as yourself. When they were younger, he was very protective of her, but quite the dictator. When he got dementia, the "protective" part went away, but the dictator and tunnel vision narcisist part came out in full force.
Here is an excerpt from my recent book "Dementia Care Companion" available from Amazon at I hope this helps.
How to Handle Incontinence
We were at the grocery store when I heard my wife mumble “No, no, no!” as her pants started to get wet. She was standing in the middle of the aisle. I moved closer and stood next to her for support and whispered, “Don’t worry. It’s okay.” I waited until she had finished, then said, “Let’s go.” I didn’t say anything else, and neither did she. We just walked out of the store, hand in hand.
It’s hard to imagine the anxiety that someone may feel as they experience incontinence developing for the first time and realize that they are gradually losing control over the most fundamental aspects of their existence. They may get depressed, cry every time it happens, and be deeply embarrassed by it. They may try to help the problem by visiting the bathroom repeatedly, especially when they’re about to leave home to go somewhere.
Be Supportive
· Treat the patient with love and respect, and do not show any sign of anxiety or embarrassment. Communicate in ways that lighten the mood. Instead of saying, “You wet your pants again!” say, “Something spilled on your pants?”
· Your approach should be matter-of-fact and natural so the patient does not feel guilty or embarrassed.
· Do not infantilize the patient. Avoid words and phrases that one might use to encourage children to go to the bathroom to avoid accidents.
Cleaning the Patient Afterwards
· If the patient is unable to clean themselves after using the bathroom, help them in a respectful way. Ask for their permission to help them. Treat them as you would if they were healthy.
· Approach the task gently so the patient feels comfortable allowing you to clean them. Otherwise, they may insist on doing it themselves and end up making a mess. Unable to clean properly, they may soil their clothes or their genital area, setting the stage for urinary tract or other infection.
· While you are cleaning the patient, they may grab your hand and prevent you from completing the task. · If so, give them a small object, like a soft ball or a towel, to hold for you.
Stay Calm in the Middle of Mayhem
After helping my dad to the toilet, I stepped out briefly to check my email. A minute or two later, I noticed him going from room to room, naked from the waist down and bewildered, his hands cupped together full of feces. As I scrambled to contain the situation, my sister descended upon us, screaming and cursing. Here I was in the middle, trying to help Dad to the bathroom as he was trying to hand his payload over to me, and my sister screaming into my ear at the top of her lungs, all the way to the bathroom and beyond.
Sometimes behaviors associated with bathroom and incontinence may seem bizarre at first. The patient may put their hands in their pants and then wipe their soiled hands on the wall to clean them. Or, they may manage to remove their pants and underwear, but then forgetting what to do next, may defecate in their own hands. They might mistake another room for the toilet, lift the corner of the rug like a toilet seat cover, do their business on the floor, and then put the rug back down over it.
As with everything else in dementia, you have to deal with such behaviors in a calm and collected way. The patient is already confused. Any frustration, agitation, or cursing on your part will only make things worse. Instead, try to reassure the patient with kindness so they feel comfortable allowing you to help them. You must be prepared to give up whatever you are doing, calmly take the patient’s hand and, without a lot of talking, walk them to the bathroom.
In general, the caregiver should accompany the patient into the bathroom. If the patient does not allow you to remain in the bathroom, stay close and vigilant so you can intervene if they forget what to do or start to make a mess. Above all,
God bless for plugging the book every chance you get.
Here's how you handle taking an incontinent person out in public.
The same way you handle taking a baby who is not potty-trained out in public.
You put them in a diaper. It's not rocket science.
If the incontinent person has dementia, you limit the places you take them to.
Do not take them to places where you will not be able to properly clean them up.
Do not take them into restaurant or around food (like a grocery store). That's just plain disgusting and no one should be put off their meal because someone is peeing and crapping themselves. Restaurant staff or store employees are not caregivers and the places they work in are not nursing homes or memory care facilities. They should not have to scub crap off a the wall of a bathroom stall because some incontinent person with dementia decides to create a sh*t mural.
Also, if the incontinent person with dementia does not allow the caregiver into the bathroom with them, that problem is easily remedied. Don't take them out.
Make sure you're using good diapers with an odor-guard liner. Something that will hold up and not be all over the place just in case you can't clean the person up immediately.
Carry a DIY HAZ-MAT bag in your car that has spray cleaner, paper towels, gloves, wipes, plastic bags, and a change of clothes and shoes for the incontinent person.
It is time for a lifestyle change.
Insist he put on depends (pull-up disposable underwear) when it is necessary to go somewhere with him. If he doesn't want to, he doesn't go. I'm not sure I understand what mess you are talking about. You say he's not going in his clothes, so how is he covered in this mess? If you have to cover the car seat before he sits down, then his clothes are soiled. If it is his skin which is covered, at least the disposable pants will help to contain the mess without going through his clothes.
If you and he insist on continuing to go out to restaurants and to the golf club, consider hiring a personal aide to accompany him on these outings. They will be experienced in helping him to the restroom, and wiping for him. Take along some pre-moistened wipes and disposable gloves.
If you feel he needs to go on an out-of-town trip and stay in a motel, take lots of extra clothes, gloves, and wipes. Perhaps he is capable of cleaning up on his own.
Order food and bring it in to the hotel room instead of going out.
Another suggestion - don't use a towel or blanket to cover the car seat or any other surface he sits on - you can buy disposable underpads. Then, you can throw the whole mess away instead of washing that too.
Give him gloves and wet wipes for when he does go to the restroom so he can try and clean as thoroughly as possible. Remind him those things cannot go in the toilet. So, he may also have to bring a containment system of some kind
to dispose of soiled wipes and gloves, then throw all that away. Learn, and teach him, how to don and doff gloves properly.
Although my dh issues are not this extreme, I summoned the nerve to be forthright at his MD appointments, awkwardness be damned. This was our opportunity for help and I wasn’t going to let it pass. He has a hissy fit? Too bad. You’re the one shouldering ALL the clean up, embarrassment and foul smells every time. You matter too. You should be able to enjoy an outing without this foul ordeal. It’s not fair to you or other patrons. Good luck; it’s a damn hard road to be on. There’s also a FB page call Well Spouse. That’s been helpful too.
Have you seen a difference with the diet and med change? ◡̈
Get several sweat pants or sans-a-belt pants from Amazon and thrift shops to make sure you don't run out of clothes for him, it takes a little pressure off (well aside from the smell) you and laundry!
And get help if you possibly can-maybe a day -even a few hours-a week where you can recoup energy and sense of self!
Good luck-
I just read your bio. Your husband should not be driving and if I were you I would refuse to dine out with him. Tell him he is being selfish and you're not going. If he no longer has the where-with-all to know this isn't ok, then he shouldn't be making the decisions.
Doc referred him to his neurologist for evaluation about seizures and strokes. (He apparently had an ishemic stroke on Monday night. It resolved within minutes but left him with a useless fingers on his left hand.)
Doc felt the bm situation is due to (1) diet (no more doughnuts; try Benefiber) and (2) donepezil (took him off, he was only on 5mg).
Since Monday night, he has moved from anger and bitterness to grieving the loss of the life he once had. Totally different attitude toward me. It is almost like the stroke flicked a switch in his brain.
Think carefully about my suggestion of prompting the meltdown that will change things.
Grammie has lost sight of what is ok and what is not ok. This hasn’t happened only twice. It has happened twice in a month.
As her friends, we are required to tell her the truth which is, no more taking him out in public. Can you all imagine what her car smells like? She likely got used to the smell and doesn’t smell it anymore.
She is also 100% wrong in allowing him to continue to drive and I will die on this hill. This is non negotiable.
When others are involved - a possible car or golf cart accident, or exposing others to the hazards of his blowouts - you are making choices that can very negatively affect others. It's not the same ball game.