My sister and her husband have been very selfish when it comes to helping with my elderly widowed father after our mother's death. There are always excuses why they can't help which is infuriating because they seem to have time and money to do what they want - vacations to Europe, home remodels, dinners with friends, concerts. They do not visit my Dad either saying they don't have the time or money and they hate the place where he resides. The worst is that there is no concern for all the time and effort my husband and I have been doing to help my Dad transition to assisted living. It's been hard for him. Sending him a card once in a while and a random phone call is about all that is done. Now my husband and I are trying to clean up his affairs and get his home ready to sell. This is not a job for the faint of heart as my mother was not a hoarder but she saved everything (old worn towels and linens, sentimental things such as birthday cards from our first birthdays, photographs through the ages). My father quite literally had a hardware store supply of tools, nuts and bolts along with old paints and toxic chemicals in the garage along with two old TVs that need to be taken to a recycling center. While we are happy to help my Dad get things sorted out and selling the house will help finance his stay in assisted living or a nursing home, we are tired. We are donating anything worthwhile to Habitat for Humanity or other charities so that is helpful. A friend has mentioned that we should get paid for all the hours we spend cleaning things out for the donation pick up when my Dad passes. Does that seem mercenary? I would not even consider it if my sister had even offered to help. (BTW, we are both retired and she could stay at my father's house during the clean/up clear/out.) How do you cope with the feelings of resentment when you know your sister is off on vacation in Europe and you are cleaning out old attics and basements with years of accumulated "treasures?" Its hard and I hate feeling this way but I know I will never feel loving towards her again given her selfishness.
Instead, this did not happen, and you are left to wonder who the hell they are, and who you are. It can feel like you’ve lost the rest of your family, too.
You’re dealing with loss. Don’t listen to people here who are flip and telling you to just “hire a junk hauler and sell the house.” A house is more than a commodity. Everyone who has been through this should know it usually takes at least a year to clear clutter, memories and feelings, arrange sales and giveaways, and then yes finally the haulers and realtors. It’s the flyaway siblings who have that self-indulgent quick fix life path, why follow them? (
(Oh, and “sell everything and take the best European vacation” - no, go where YOU want to go. European vacations are where you just wind up shuffling around crowded tourist sites surrounded by the hordes of non helping siblings who are living the prescribed “good life” LOL who wants to be around that?)
I really is none of your business why your sister does not want to visit your father. That is on her. But you will have to figure out how much interaction you want with your sister when this chapter of your life is over.
I would talk to your father about being financially compensated for liquidating everything and inform your sister that you are being compensated for the time and effort of handling this. Maybe she won't like that you are receiving this money and will be more participatory in the process.
Good luck to you.