Brother lives 3000 miles away and gives caretaker sister no help. Sis and I know a facility will drain her assets quickly. Sis is doing everything and I fly to Florida in spurts to drive as Sis has epilepsy and not allowed a drivers license. Once Mom finds her hidden alcohol then she punches us. Can't get her out of house and primary care doctor blows us off when asking for documentation/recommendations. Both Sis and I have some physical issues as well. Can't Baker Act her unless we sustain ER level treatment. Sis literally does everything mom needs as Mom simply refuses to do things she is capable of doing. Son only cares about getting rid of her when he retires and he isn't giving us any timelines or ideas or money for her upkeep. Mom won't reimburse money for groceries or utilities paid for by Sis when Sis has to pay for transportation even though Mom still drives ok. Mom does nothing but watch TV or occasionally pretends to do yard work. I can't be there full time at present without ending up in psych ward. No one can visit, no inhouse caregivers can come and she has burned bridges with formerly helpful others. Need to get Sis out of there so she can have a life with her own kids and grandkids. As a widow without a job and caring for Mom,her life is closing down. Sis doesn't deserve to be hit after her latest surgery. And I told her I won't speak to her when she is drunk. Tried to convince Sis to let her live alone and we can monitor long distance and then maybe social services can help. Somehow Mom remembers hearing that iff Sis left, she will call authorities and say she has been abandoned and threatens Sis with jail. Sis is experiencing multiple seizures from the stress. Mom can't live with me as she hates Illinois weather now and she hates my spouse (he hates her back). If I get a divorce and live with Mom I will be caught up in Sis' situation. Then when Brother comes to claim his house, I will be homeless. I'm trying to live on social security income only( 12k/yr) while Mom has over 100k in bank. Sis has to rent out her Illinois house to finance her own expenses for a lot of Healthcare needs. No one wins anything except Socal brother.
Help!
Yes. But Sis has to decide to go.
I see Sis wanting to stay & 'save' Mom.. yes?
I see you wanting to 'save' Sis.. yes? Good intentions but some self-saving has to happen.
Mom has dementia? So most probably has lost insight into her care needs. This happens 😞. It often takes a crises to effect a change.
I can (sadly) sort of see why the Doc blows you all off. Coz Sis has to want to do something different to what she is doing. She is the one that has to change. (Mom won't/can't)
Sis needs to LEAVE. If she can't permanently just yet, at least temporarily.
Would she agree? To go stay with another relative/friend for 1-2 weeks? It would be explained to Mom. "If you cannot stay alone safely you will need to go into respite care". This can be explained to her in front of the Doc.
Then wait for Mom's & the Doc's response.
If Mom declines, it will depend on how good the Doc is at questioning.. but a lot of info can help eg Sis states I do ABC & XYZ. Mom cannot self-care with these ADLs.
Either the Doc says she has capacity to decide to decline.. so Sis has a professional give 'permission' for her to leave. Or the Doc thinks Mom lacks capacity & agrees respite care is needed. The Doc can't make Mom go, but can report Mom to APS as a vulnerable elder, or even help arrange a baker act if warranted.
Sis can not be held prisoner by law. Sis cannot be held prisioner by emotional blackmail by Mom unless she allow it.
At present, Sis may be held prisoner by her own thoughts.
Both of you will need to decide that mom will have to suffer the consequences of her choices and stand firm on this.
Then the golden boy will have to step up and deal with mommy.
Sick sister who should be taking care of herself taking care of alcoholic who abuses her and she is paying for it.
There is no way she should be allowed to be there, find better doctor, social worker, call police if mother is abusive.
Or tell her to leave.
Tell your brother it is his time to take care of mother, but, question is does she need it or just enjoying having a slave?
If you want to be ‘nice’, let your brother know in advance. Let the police know if you like, so that they have a bit of information before they get mother (preferably drunk). If you want to look like you have done everything possible, look for another doctor with some brains.
Neither you nor your sister have to Baker Act, sort out mother and her future, reform your brother, or pay for anything. Let them sort it out, including chatting to the local police about the whole set-up. Just leave. You aren’t slaves!
If putting mom in a facility drains her money quickly, so be it. That's what her money is for.
Speaking of money, your sister should stop ASAP from spending ANY of her money on mom. NOTHING.
Does your mom have dementia? If so, she may not be as capable of doing things for herself as you may think/hope.
Don't even think about moving your mom in with you. I think she needs to be in a facility.
Time to call adult protective services. Your sister and no one else is willing or able to provide the level of care your mom needs.
Good luck.
Your sister needs to grow a spine, ignore Mom's threats, and get her own life again. She should never pay one single bill of Mom's with her money -- that's what Mom's money is for.
If Sis is POA, she can -- and should -- resign. Mom's threats are empty and hold no power over her UNLESS she lets them.
The ball is entirely in your sister's court, so she needs to buck up and take her life back. Where are HER kids in all of this?
If so, can she not simply leave?
If mom still drives, how is Sis "abandoning" her? Mom sounds like she isn't incompetent.
If I'm missing something, please correct me.