How do I respond to my brother's hurtful questions?

If your mom doesn’t have dementia, tell your brother to ask your mom directly instead of putting you in the middle.

Lets see if he has the cajones.

Your brothers comment is a sad commentary for a lot of families. I saw this quiet often when I worked in a law office. Money brings out greed!

There are 7 of us kids, 3 boys and 4 girls. The girls are the ones that have taken on the responsibility of providing for mom. Our response to inconsiderate money statements is as follows: 'Mom and dad (dad passed 14 years ago) worked hard to get what they have. We will use every penny to ensure she is taken care of. No where is it written that any of should receive an inheritance. Get a job and work for what you want like they did.' This statement has stopped the insensitive statements for now.

Crystals,
How about a simple " I don't know". FOLLOWED by going " no contact ". I can't imagine anyone having to go through this. And I can't imagine continuing a relationship with someone who is so selfish.

So tired of the many who believe they are entitled to an inheritance. Seriously. If parents wind up leaving children something, they should be grateful and view it as a gift, not expected. How about they work hard like our folks did to get ahead? So, they can leave their children something!

Because every answer has taken the same line, I’ll suggest something slightly different. Ask your brother WHY is so bothered about his potential inheritance. Is he in debt? Is he facing bankruptcy? Is he being blackmailed? Is he an addict to something expensive? Does he have personal plans that require large sums of money?

This does two things. First, it turns the pressure back on him, not you. You can even sound concerned and sympathetic. Just keep asking him the questions, not trying to deal with HIS questions.

Second, it’s true that many people grew up expecting an inheritance, and parents expected to provide it. Everything is now different (longer lives, higher costs of care, expectation that old age is self-pay) and it can be quite difficult for many people to adjust. A discussion might bring it out into the open and reduce the persistent questions.

Just something to think about.

Gosh, I am so sorry your family is not on the same page as you. As you have rightfully pointed out, her money is being used to care for her. That is the appropriate use of her savings. There is no way for anyone, including doctors, to know how long someone will live. So you cannot possibly answer that question for your brother except to say that you do not know. I, for one, am grateful that you are the POA. Assisted living does not help with fall risks. You were wise to hire private help. Sometimes the best way to answer a question is silence. Since your Mom is cognitively intact, a living will is necessary to insure that her health care wishes are recorded and acted upon. She is making her decisions. I would not encourage your brothers to discuss anything with your Mom. I am afraid they would be cruel.

if It were my brother I’d be tempted to say … How long’s a piece if string? She could outlive us all.

You were designated to be her protector...........that's enough for you to do; if they have any questions, they can make appointments with their Elder Law Attorneys for advice.

You do not need to respond to questions. Hopefully she has made a will and completed end-of-life options with an attorney, if not, you might want to ask her to make an appointment and set up a Zoom meeting.

Set healthy boundaries of self-protection and plan a nice vacation that's not refundable. There are wonderful retreats to consider like Chopra's.

https://chopra.com/retreats?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=GS_NB_COLD_Perfect-Health_Exact&utm_content=WellnessRetreats-Exact_chopra%20retreat&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIn_nO7Oie9wIVLB-tBh1Y6w-7EAAYASABEgL6fvD_BwE

Crystals9369: I will attempt to answer one of your questions, "How can her son feel this way?" That is an abstruse query as YOU are not him; you can't control others' statements and mindsets.

The question your brother is really asking is, "will there be enough money to cover her care?" Answer him the way you have explained her finances to this group. If he presses for an age number, better to tell the truth... you don't know, but she has enough to cover her if she lives to be 150.

You handle the question by bringing it coolly to your brother's attention that your mother's money is her money, that its proper purpose is the support of her quality of life, and that no one on earth has any right to rely on an inheritance until the event. Expectations are futile and uncomfortable things when you try to lean on them.

But look. Perhaps the outspoken brother is in financial distress of some sort, in which case watching the money fly away at the rate it is doing will be stressful for him and it isn't reasonable to reproach him for that. He can care about your mother AND be very worried about whether her money is being sensibly spent, you know.

Has either brother suggested a more economical way of providing your mother with an equally high quality of care?

I have a sister who had a strong desire to put her hands on what she saw as her inheritance - before my mom died. I was DPOA and my mom's caregiver while she was in AL for eleven years. I was able to do an occasional equal monetary gift to the three of us daughters, within the limits of the IRS rules. But, aside from that, I just shut down any asks with the response that the money is Mom's and ONLY Mom's until after she dies (and no one could know when that would be) and her estate has been handled, including hold-backs for taxes and other expenses. I was made DPOA for a reason and took my responsibility seriously. Don't let it get to you. You must treat this as the fiduciary responsibility that it is, and take emotion out of it. Be strong!

I have a sister who had a strong desire to put her hands on what she saw as her inheritance - before my mom died. I was DPOA and my mom's caregiver while she was in AL for eleven years. I was able to do an occasional equal monetary gift to the three of us daughters, within the limits of the IRS rules. But, aside from that, I just shut down any asks with the response that the money is Mom's and ONLY Mom's until after she dies (and no one could know when that would be) and her estate has been handled, including hold-backs for taxes and other expenses. I was made DPOA for a reason and took my responsibility seriously. Don't let it get to you. You must treat this as the fiduciary responsibility that it is, and take emotion out of it. Be strong!

'HER money btw.'

That would be my answer.