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My mom, who has been back home for 3 weeks with 24/7 care after a stroke, calls me 20 times a day (though I block the calls while I'm at work) telling me she needs me to cancel the aides because she doesn't need them. NO amount of reasoning or logic gets through to her. I feel just terrible for her, because she lives in a small apartment and it is very claustrophobic with an aide there 24/7 but there is no other option. She was twice as miserable in the SNF. I just called her and screamed and sobbed and told her there's nothing I can do about the fact that she had a stroke and that she needs care. She cannot hear it or accept it as reality and insists that I need to tell the aides not to come. Today I started sobbing and screaming and told her to shut the f*ck up and hung up on her. Of course I feel terrible, but I am losing my own mind due to all this and other stuff in my life. Her boyfriend and I visit and take her out 2-4 times a week. She has TV but won't watch it.

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Lisa22, think of this as being a positive move for Dad. I remember when my own Dad moved to Assisted Living, I was worried about how Dad would like the place, and the downsizing... but Dad didn't care about furniture and knick knacks, just his clothes and all of his books.

Once Dad got use to Assisted Living he liked the idea of being around people of his own generation. So much in common to talk about. My gosh, people who actually lived through the Great Depression, World War II, comparing their first automobile, comparing employment, etc.

And he loved the meals, oh how he loved them.... in fact when it was time to head to the main dining room, one had to make sure you weren't in Dad's way :)

During the mornings my Dad had physical therapy which he liked doing, then the afternoons he could do whatever he wanted, so he liked reading the newspapers, his books, and watching TV. I was all smiles at how happy he was. Not once did he ever put on an act saying he wanted to go back to his house.

Now, Assisted Living is usually self-pay, would Dad be able to budget that? If not, then look for a nice nursing home where Medicaid can jump in to help pay for room, board, and care.
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There's a time and season for everything; your time together has come to an end, and something new for all of you looming.... maybe even better?
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So much despair, anger, sheer misery out there for multitudes of families.
At this point I have to add "me as well".
My husband and myself invited my then 83 year old widowed Dad, to come and live with us, if he chose to do so. He had lived alone for a year after Mum died and he was deteriorating in body and mind. I couldn't bear to have him lonely, even perhaps dieing alone and my husband backed me all the way.
Dad gladly accepted, he has thrived and looks better than ever. He has however slowed down a lot mentally, easily confused and very forgetful.
Almost 2 years on my own physical health has deteriorated to the extent that my husband is virtually running the household for 3 adults. He is worn out and I have been to hell and back emotionally, the stress of having Dad here and sharing the same problems that are already logged here by despairing good people. Trying to accept that we can't look after Dad now and that he might well outlive ourselves.
I have had a heartrending discussion with him trying to explain why we are asking him to move into A L by 2019. How do I live with the pain it will cause him to uproot and leave?

All the avenues have been examined but the fact remains that, in order to reclaim our sanity, physical health and wellness, we have to sacrifice Dad's contentedness here, with us.
I won't go on, it's all been said by similarly torn -apart people but it is strangely comforting to share this heartbreak with people who understand only too well. X
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First of all, you must think of YOU. Now is YOUR time to live. Your mother has lived her life. Do NOT allow her to make you CRAZY. If she starts something and telling her nicely to stop, etc., then I think you have to get very tough with her and tell her if she does not stop at once, she will be removed from your care and she will be on her own. Often that stops the bad behavior. I took care of someone (after I worked all day) - a dear friend - and when she started acting up and making me crazy, I would let her have it and walk out the door by slamming it hard. A few days would go by and she'd beg me to come back and she was so sweet then. Good luck.
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Hey, you changed your name, Baba!
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Xina, yes on lawyer fees. I hear you, especially in our town of NYC.

Your mom's cognitive loss from the stroke, and even prior to that ( thinking about the hoarding and her inability to see that she needed to change something about THAT scenario) her emotional/ cognitive deficits do not add up to someone who is ever going to be
Grateful
Reasonable
Predictable.

It's going to be a rollercoaster ride with her and you need to steel yourself to the idea that it mat not be the mom you " expect" when you open the door or answer the phone. In facy, i find that just when I think I've got things figured out, mom changes and there is a new normal.

That's why i hang out here, with folks who understand. Bless you, Xina! Be well!
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Thank you, dearest Babalou! This morning I woke up and sobbed because I was so anxious about this. I couldn't even get it together to make a cup of coffee until noon. If my mom had refused to sign, I would be in a very different place right now, believe me. I would be boarding the next plane to Mexico.

We are still at odds due to last night's argument about all of this. I am distressed at how my mom is so quick to turn on me and not acknowledge all I've done for her, so it's nice that people here acknowledge it!

Needless to say, the lawyer fees are obscene. Obscene. And we owe the longterm care unit of the SNF $16,000 for her two weeks there. It all feels like Monopoly money at this point. Whatever.
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You rock, Xina. For all that you've done for your mom snd finding an awesome lawyer. So happy for this outcome.
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Good news! My mom signed everything and didn't put up a fuss at all. PHEWWWWWWWW. She did give me the stink-eye the entire time, but so what. The lawyer was brilliant -- part social worker, part lawyer. My mom's BF was his usual steady, sensible self. Per my request, the lawyer did not mention any specific figures. We will discuss those next week.

My blood pressure has returned to normal. Now that she's home from the SNF and this trust is in the works, I feel like I'm over the hurdle regarding her care. There's more to do, of course, but I am so relieved to have these challenges behind me. IF the election goes the way I want it to, that will be cause for a huge celebration.

Again, thank you all so much for your support through all this. It's been such a help. I hope to help others on this site who are going through similar stuff.
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Thinking good thoughts too ... hope your mum is not difficult with this.
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Xina; I'm going to be thinking good thoughts about you and the visit to the lawyer today. I'm hoping it goes well and that mom sees that you are on her side.

You know your mom best, and you know what has "won" her over in the past. Use whatever strategy works for you. Good thoughts!
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Xinabess, have no compunctions about being a spin doctor here. The trust is to save her money and keep it safe from the government or bill collectors, or something that will appeal to her. What connection does that have to her 24/7 care? None, right? Your being POA helps to deal with the paperwork for the trust that protects her funds.

You may or may not ever need guardianship; one other thing you can do is to get her doctors to write incapacity letters. That offers some protection should she unilaterally want to change POA and allows you to do more things without her necessarily agreeing to everything. You want to honor her and make sure she has care, but with her not grasping reality you just have to tiptoe around that, give her all the choices that you realistically can, but make the decisions that she can't make for her own benefit.
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She was evaluated in rehab. She does have cognitive problems obviously. But ultimately she has to approve the trust and telling her "Mom, you are cognitively impaired," isn't going to fly. Anytime I point out reality, she says "Oh, you are too funny!" Anyway, what will be will be. I just hope it's not a horror show with the lawyer. Stay tuned!
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Yes it is craziness, and that is the root of the problem. It doesn't matter if she can do math like Einstein and is oriented to time and place, her total denial of her physical limitations proves that her brain is broken. Has she been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist?
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I guess you guys answered this question, actually--guardianship/ward of the state. Ugh. She is going to freak out about being threatened. And it's so upsetting that this is causing a rift between us, where she thinks I'm acting against her instead of being on her side.
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My stomach is in a knot anticipating our meeting w/lawyer on Friday. What if she does revoke my POA and insist on being in control of her own money? When she asked me why I have POA, I wasn't even sure why myself. Is it because she can't sign checks due to her paralyzed hand? She is not incompetent and does know every single thing about her money.

This is scary. Plus, get this: She told me I have a girl crush on the lawyer and that's why I'm agreeing to all this!! Craziness.

P.S. Should I be starting a new thread for these concerns or staying with this one? I find this site very confusing and hard to navigate.
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Xina, if mom refuses the trust documents, you may need to go the guardianship route. This is very expensive but will be paid for out of mom's funds.

Consider very carefully if you want to be your mom's guardian, or if it would be better for her to be a ward of the state.
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Xina; I'm assuming that you like and approve of your lawyer's handling of the situation. If mom kicks up a fuss, you look at the lawyer and ask "so, should I walk away and ask the City/State to take over guardianship for mom?" (run this scenario by the lawyer first; she may have a better line).

Your mom having 24/7 care is a nonnegotiable at this point. The lawyer knows that. It's either you or guardianship by the great State of New York.
Stand firm. The lawyer should help you out and back you up!
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Xina
Rant here but don't walk away from getting the trust set up

My mom frequently accuses me of locking her away and taking her money - -what little she has is going quickly and I wouldn't dare tell her how much her care facility and private aides are costing - as it is she thinks she can be at home or go stay with her near 96 year old friend while I'm at work
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Now my mom is fixated on the fact that I have POA and that some of her money must be used for her care (the rest is going into a trust, which will protect it). Since, according to her, she absolutely does not need the 24/7 care (which she absolutely does), why am I throwing away her money on this?

We met with a lawyer and my mom cooperated fully with giving me POA. This week we meet with the lawyer again to set up the trust. Even though I have POA, my mom needs to approve these documents.

I just don't know how to navigate this situation. My mom clearly has cognitive impairment, especially re short-term memory and being able to accept that she is disabled. Nothing and no one can convince her that the 24/7 care is necessary. If she kicks up a fuss about the financial situation and refuses to sign the trust documents, what do I do?? Even when I tell her this is being done to protect her money, she says she wants ALL her money. She knows all her account balances and wants to be apprised of every dime I spend. This is so upsetting because she is treating me like I'm out to get her, when here I've done every damn thing in my power to make this whole situation as good as possible for her.

Anyway, I know I repeat myself over and over and over. Sorry. I am just worried she will refuse to cooperate with the trust and her money being used for her care. Part of me wants to abandon this whole thing and say, OK, to hell with it. No lawyer, no trust. "You deal with it and watch ALL your money fly out the window. We'll cancel the care and you can sit in your apt alone."
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Xina - my mom would do the same thing - get her knickers in a big twist, call me and so on. I would then get all worked up anticipating the conversation we'd be having on my next visit - but then when I'd visit - nothing. I eventually learned to just do what needed to be done and to not obsess over the potential mommy meltdown.
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Yes, best not to co-mingle. I just wish she could accept what's going on in her life now and why it must be paid for. She left me 5 voicemails in the middle of the night telling me to bring her all her bank statements right now. Fortunately, she forgets things, so this morning she only wanted to talk about where we're having brunch on Sunday.
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xinabess, I understand what you are going through with the finances, bills and statements. Had similar issues with my Dad getting upset when he saw his bank statements. And when he saw the bill for his Assisted Living, he would want to start packing and move elsewhere. It took awhile to get ALL bills/statements sent only to my address.

Whatever you do, do not co-mingle your money with your Mom's money. It becomes too difficult to sort out later on. Both my Dad's Elder Law Attorney and CPA had asked if any of my money was in these accounts, and when I said "no", they said "good".

Our parent will remember how much things use to cost, so to see a rental for Assisted Living being $6k per month, all they can remember was when they were first married over a half century ago, their rent was $75 per month, if not less.
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Hi everyone. The latest struggle with my mom is in regards to her finances. I have POA (she cannot sign anything given her hand paralysis) and have of course had to write thousands of dollars worth of checks to the hospital, the nursing home, for her home care, etc. She saw her latest bank statement (which I was hoping to circumvent!) and freaked out—understandably.

We are also working with a lawyer to protect a chunk of her assets by putting them in a trust. She is not one of those sensible people who worked full time for years and has retirement accounts. She just has it all in one brokered account, and it's not much by middle-class standards. She never thought she'd need care or get old.

Anyway, she is really, really upset. Despite having some cognitive problems, she knows to the penny how much she has in her accounts. As you all know, the fundamental issue is her complete denial and refusal to accept what is happening to her--ie stroke has changed her life and now she needs 24/7 care. She insists she doesn't and why are we taking all her money to pay for this?

As the ACOA, my instinct is to make everything OK, so I'm thinking maybe I should transfer some of my money in her account so the balance doesn't keep going down. Except of course she would see that on the statement. As you all know, it's so painful to see our loved ones lose more and more and more health, money, independence.
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Xina, i think you really ned to get your mom a very thorough neuro cognitive assessment.. work with her rehab/ neuro doctors about where to get this done.
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@xinabess - did your mom get any rehab to help her learn to use the non-dominant hand or facilitate any possible recovery from the dominant side stroke?

@mally - well, there may not be that much you can do. If she is competent to refuse to be in assisted living or skilled care, and she is not in danger of losing her home or her help, she gets to decide who does and does not get the POAs that she really should have in place but does not trust anyone enough for. And, that's that. Maybe just keep it light and sweet for now, stay in the picture, and see where things go.
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Rainmom, I have wondered if part of it is not being able to follow a plot or an attention span problem. She did watch the debates though.

When she reads, she moves the page around to her right eye. She did go to an eye doctor, who said her vision is fine, but something is off with the peripheral vision for sure. She asked me to get her a newspaper the other day and it was just tragic to watch her try to hold it with her right hand. It was falling all over the place.
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Rainmom
My mom experienced the same progression - sometimes I found her listening to a Spanish tv station merely because she hit a button on the remote and either didn't notice the channel had changed or didn't know how to change back

For awhile it drive me crazy that she would carry the same book around as she loves to share what she's reading - she could never get beyond the first scene

I still bring her magazines and she flips through them and sometimes will share an interesting article I,e, how to lose 30 lbs in a week - but even f she just looks at the pictures it provides a good distraction from looking at the other residents in memory care
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Xina - your moms refusal to learn to use a kindle may be because she suspects, fears or realizes she can't. A few years back my mom had been complaining about her TV. Mom really didn't watch regular TV often but did use it hooked up to a DVD player to watch movies and other tv series we had bought for her on dvds. Anyhoo - screen was too small, sound didn't go loud enough etc. So hubby and I buy mom a new, larger, stereo equipped tv - surprise her with it and hook it up. Mom practically had a total meltdown. In trying to talk to her as to why she was upset I couldn't get a single reason that made any sense. But we unhooked the new tv and put the old one back. A few weeks later mom apologized- well, as close as my mom ever got to apologizing for anything - and admitted she was afraid she wouldn't have been able to work the new tv. Then about a year ago I noticed mom wasn't reading - which was totally off as reading was my mothers biggest passion. I could tell mom wasn't even looking at her favorite magazines that I took her regularly. I took mom to an eye specialist for her cataracts- that doctor said she still had vision considered legal for driving (btw - no, she hadn't driven for a couple years). So I thought maybe mom needed new glasses - off to another doctor. Nope, he said her glasses were fine. This dr however, suggested that if she wasn't reading it was because she had either lost interest in it or couldn't comprehend what she was reading any longer. After doing some "testing" of my own - giving mom a letter from a friend to read etc - I determined the doctor was correct - that for whatever her reason my mothers not reading had nothing to do with her sight. My point as it relates to your mom? I'm sorry to say this - but perhaps your mothers loss of cognitive function is worse than you think. Sorry to be so blunt but accepting this will make all the tough decisions you're having to make on your mothers behalf- well, they will become a tiny bit easier.
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just tell her yes, you will do that but then don't, go along with her requests, be sympathetic.. play into her misery...give her compliments on how well she is doing, lie to her, tell her jokes, be funny yourself..change the subject..tell her how your day was..take care of yourself...
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