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Mom and her husband have been married for 37 years. They have lived a lovely lifestyle. He has catered to her every whim, specifically her habit of buying homes then spending hundreds of thousands of dollars fixing them and selling them for a loss. She frequently decides she wants to relocate after only a few years to live in an area with more social clout. This has been going on since the early 80's.  They have spent his lifetime earnings as a PhD, her sizable inheritance and a large insurance settlement due to my grandmother being killed in a car accident ten years ago.


Lo and behold in 2022 they are down to a few thousand dollars. I am a single mother raising an autistic child by myself and am carefully balancing my inheritance from my father that I got in 2019. My money is invested and cannot be disturbed.


I know as sure as the sun rises she is coming for me. My stepfather has dementia and will likely not be able to be without some kind of supervisory care within 12-18 months. I refuse to buy her a home and she cannot live with me. My brother also refuses to do the same. Both of us have helped them with planning, budgeting, housework and more. Still, my mother has refused to listen or stick to any plan we have given her.


What shall I do when they cannot grocery shop or keep the lights on? She is hostile and abusive and her husband has watched her treat me this way since I was ten years old. It's going to be an epic disaster and I don't know what to do. It doesn't help that I battled addiction in my 20's and needed rent money here and there and a criminal defense lawyer 20 years ago, which she has never let me live down. She also loves to remind me how much money I cost her growing up (gymnastics, horse riding lessons, family vacations).


Advise me, please.

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Plain and simple do not give your mother any of your money. She will bleed you dry. Your priority is to your child and your child only.

Start compiling a list of food banks and other services your mother can utilize when she comes to you.

And no matter how guilty you feel and how much she pushes the issue never, ever let her move in with you. Ever.

It is not your job to fund her wasteful lifestyle just because she gave you money in the past. Both you and your brother have tried to help her with budgets, etc and were largely ignored.

This woman could win 10 million dollars in the lottery and still be broke in a few years.

Since her husband worked she should get a portion of his social security. He will have to go on government assistance and they divide the assets between the two spouses.

Offer to take her to an elder lawyer (which she pays for) so she knows what her options are.

Setting boundaries and sticking to them no matter how much she guilts you, cries, and screams will be important.

The best thing is to let her know in advance that you are not her financial solution.
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Texasscapegoat Jun 2022
We (me, my brother and sister in law) actually did compile a similar list that included Meals On Wheels (a mobile food delivery service for the elderly) and she went through the roof because of how beneath her it was. Good lord.
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She has an addiction. It's just that she never battled hers.

As adult children in our society, we have no, repeat NO obligation to house our parents, provide hands on care or provide them with luxuries. Even if they were the best parents in the world. Adults plan for their own old age.

Social services exist and will be there for her.

Read a book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.

Google F.O.G. Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Read Never Simple by Liz Scheier. It's about a young woman with a troubled and mentally ill and abusive mother who gave her daughter a wonderful childhood. And how Liz almost goes under trying to rescue her mother. Her boundary setting is as impressive as it is instructive.
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"I refuse to buy her a home and she cannot live with me. My brother also refuses to do the same. Both of us have helped them with planning, budgeting, housework and more, but mother has refused to listen or stick to any plan whatsoever."

Your brother and you must continue to present a united front against her. You can be each other's support system.

(I'd also stop helping with the housework.)
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Tex, your profile ends with "I know caregiving is starting soon".

You need to get out of this mindset.

Her lack of planning is not your emergency. Call the local (to her) Area Agency on Aging and find out what resources for elders exist in her area. Ask about case management services. Give your mother a list of resources the next time she asks for something.

We have a wise poster, Beatty, here who says "there will be no plan as long as YOU are the plan".
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You say you know that your mother will be coming for you, but having thought it over for some minutes I still don't get the gist. What do you mean, coming for you? What do you expect her to do?

You also say that neither you nor your brother will either buy your mother a house, or allow her to move in with you [- setting aside what becomes of your stepfather when this happens? Does he have other resources, or other family who might scoop him up once he becomes dependent enough?].

Fair enough; but has your mother suggested these possibilities to either of you anyway?
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Texasscapegoat Jun 2022
What I mean by her "coming for me" is that she will demand access to my money and/or property and resources. She feels entitled to everyone's money because that's how she has gotten by her entire life.

She has not suggested these possibilities, and I don't think she would want to live here, but she has expectations for sure. As far as my step-dad goes, there is some weird balance in between what they have in assets/cash and eligibility for housing and he is also not within the medical need threshold yet. My brother is way more informed about these things, but I can hardly see it all falling into place so smoothly that they will just slide into assisted care the moment they cant pay the bills. Interestingly he does have another resource--his daughter. She has more money than all of us put together, but neither mom or SD will go to her for help and here is why. He allows the same behavior out of his daughter like he does my mom--she's Never held accountable and he would never trouble her. And my mother won't ask her for help because she hates the fact that his daughter became more socially successful than she did and mom won't lose face by going to her for money. Convenient for my step-sister, isn't it?
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The ball will be in their court, leave it right there. This is not your problem to resolve.

As for the other issue, no one forced them to bail you out, it was their decision. Kids cost money not my rules just how it works, you owe her nothing for raising you. Again, it was her choice to have a child, not yours.

For every bad action, there is a bad reaction, seems they have been testing the waters for many years, now the lake is drying up.

Don't dwell on this causing you to self impose yourself with guilt. Guilt does nothing to improve a situation, all it does is keep one stuck.
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So, let's say your mom asks for help.

Or demands help.

It doesn't matter what other resources (stepdad's, step-sister's). Mom's jealousy od SS's social status is neither here nor there.

Your answer is "no, I can't possibly do that."

Not "maybe". Or "not now". Or "we'll see."

The answer is no, pure and simple.

"Because it's MY money."
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The only person here that needs protecting is your stepfather with his increasing dementia.

Unless your mother has some mental incapacity too, she can figure out her own way. It's your mom's responsibility to figure out how to grocery shop and keep the lights on.

Her helping you out when you were younger was kind but irrelevant. Her demand to access your assets is so way out of line my mind boggles. If you give in you'll be a pauper because she'll drain you without batting an eye. Your feeling of guilt is a conditioning that your mother caused. Narcs are awesome at causing victims to feel unwarranted guilt.

As CTTN55 below wrote, you and your brother should support each other and protect each other from your mother. Best wishes to you, TSG.
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Texasscapegoat Jun 2022
I know you are right and I am prepared to say no. It's just going to be so much drama and I am already dreading it. Another card she is going to pull is the Italian one, which is to say that it is essentially against all rules, religions, codes and nature to allow an elderly mother (or parents) to fend for themselves when they are indigent and infirm. In the end it's just another excuse to badger me into taking care of her, but the conditioning doesn't undo itself at the drop of a hat. She didn't have to deal with such issues with her mother however, because grandma lived independently for ten years after my grandfather died and not only managed her own bills, but managed the family fortune at the same time. She might have done it for several more years had a freak car accident not killed her at the age of 86. So once again, my mom blabs on about the hardest parts about adult kids responsibilities, but avoided them herself like the hypocrite she is.
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She chose to have children. She paid for that; that was her choice. So enough said there. No going back on some decisions, is there?
She was lucky enough to be able to have a luxurious lifestyle and she chose there also, to spend her money.
Medicaid is as open to her and her husband as to anyone else in the United States. I would supply her with phone numbers and the medicare/medicaid handbook free by calling 1-800-medicare.
I would wish her the very best of luck. I would tell her that you are unable to give her anything but your sympathy as your funds are invested for your OWN OLD AGE so as to avoid any of this for yourself in future.
What else is there to be said? It's really quite simple.
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Right...if you're Italian/Indian/Chinese/Korean/Irish..."We take care of our elders".

What horseswill.

So she pulls out the Italian card?

So?

So what?

So, she tries to create drama. Hang up the phone or leave. Stop giving her the power.
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Texasscapegoat Jun 2022
You're right. She can't make me do anything.
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I appreciate all of you taking a moment of your day to respond.

I know all of you are correct in telling me that there isn't much to be done and all I need to do is say no and be done with it and if she wants to spin off into outer space then she can.

Being raised with parents that are psychologically abusive has deep and long lasting effects and navigating her manipulative behavior has never been easy or cut and dry for me. Thank you for your words of support. I suppose I needed that more than anything else.
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LisaSF Jun 2022
What a tough thing to be going through. May I suggest that it might be helpful to talk with a therapist to help you keep your "no" resolve? I think it would be a good, targeted way to help you strengthen that resolve. All the best to you.
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Raising an autistic child requires a life long commitment and a Special Needs Trust after you pass to provide for the child/adult. It is expensive for anyone.

Did Grandma ever consider this, has she invested in her grandchild?

You are the one needing support, now and in the future. If your mother comes for you, someone should read her the riot act. It is unthinkable, imo.
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Texasscapegoat Jun 2022
Nope she never considered it, but I have. My daughter has a SNT that is iron clad and has trustees on multiple levels and contingency plans for everything, including her father who is in and out of prison, because he is a threat. He is specifically named in the trust as someone who will receive no funds from her estate at no time.

This is especially important because I didn't have my child until I was 42, so there is a good possibility that I will die while she is still young.
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You could present to her your expectations that there is to be a special needs trust and you will be needing $500 K to start it, now.

She will then avoid you, and avoid asking you for any money in the future, maybe?

However, best to not have anything to do with money concerning your Mother, and never cooperate in sharing your financial information with her. imo.
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JoAnn29 Jun 2022
Send, you are exaggerating right. I opened up a Special Needs Trust with my sisters life insurance of 50k. This was so my disabled nephew could get help.
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Have any of you been made privy to their actual financial situation?

I told my mom, whom gets ample SS, that she can spend HER money anyway she chooses. If she wants any of mine, then I get full and complete access and control of ALL her money. This was intended to (and worked) stop her from asking me for money.

I made it clear that she would exhaust every social service she could get before I forked over a penny. (For anyone thinking I am a tightwad, she gambles.)

Your mom has lived frivolously and now she is facing the consequences. This doesn't obligate any of you to prop up her illusion of grandeur. They have made themselves poor and now will have to find a way to live within their means. Many do and survive, she will too.
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You say Mom is 73 in your profile. I am 72 and don't consider myself elderly. I am with Isthis, you exhaust every resource before you help Mom with any money. And if you do, you do not put it in her hands. If she needs gas for her car, you fill the tank up. Then u tell her that has to last her for a week or a month. If its gone before then, she doesn't get to go anywhere.

If my Mom had the money your Mom has gone thru, I would tell her time to sell that big house that is too much for her. With the proceeds by a smaller one and use the money left to offset the cost of living. Or, rent an apt. And the cost of living is rent/mortgage, utilities, taxes and the cost of food. All comes before you buy that new outfit or pc of furniture. Maybe downsizing, she can sell some things not needed. Tell her she needs to live within the income they bring in and if it means selling her home than so be it. A lot of seniors downsize at Moms age. And at 73 Mom should be able to figure it all out for herself. If not, Office of Aging may have someone to teach her how to budget. Sorry Mom, your spending days are over. Does SD own a car, with Dementia he should not be driving. Have her sell the oldest of the two and tell her the profit is only to be used on things she needs to live. You should not be paying because she never learned the value of money.

Your profile says your a disabled Vet with a special needs child. That child is your priority. Your future is your priority. Its one thing if your Mom does everything she can to stay above water and needs ur help, its another that she just throws money away and expects others to pay her way when it is gone. She is in for a rude awaking. No is a one word sentence. No reasons or excuses why you can't do it. Just NO Mom, not going to happen. Let her rant and rave.
From the book of Boundries...When you say the word no, you are not responsible for the reaction you get.

Don't look at Mom as an elderly person. My BIL is 74 and works 20 hrs a week. I know a married couple who both still work f/t. He is a diabetic and she had a hip replacement a few years back. So, Mom could find herself a little job somewhere.

I know there is drama going to happen. You just have to ignore it. Your Mom can perfectly well see that ur disabled and that ur child special needs she chooses not to because "its all about her". No one else matters.

You know why she paid for gymnastics and horse riding lessons, because it made her look good. "See what I do for my children". See the nice vacations we take them on. Your Mother is toxic. There is some kind of personality disorder in play and its not curable. You have to keep your distance and say NO!
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Texasscapegoat Jun 2022
Maam, trust me it's just as ridiculous to me as it is to you. They jointly own a car, but mom only recently started driving after he became so lost when he was driving that it took him two hours to get home. He had been declared legally incompetent to drive at least 9 months before that, but it was too inconvienient for her to bother.

Selling the house sounds like a fine idea, but unlike most seniors they do not own this property. They had to get a reverse mortgage to finance it when she decided it was time to leave the previous residence in 2019. The same is true about the car. They could not afford to buy a new one cash, so they financed it. And as usual my noodle of a step father just let her tantrum her way into whatever she wanted. And no she does not know how to handle the money. She can't keep track of a password, doesn't know what insurance company to call about PCPs and is essentially a woman child in almost every aspect. Until there is some goal that feeds her ego or whatnot and then she can be quite resourceful. She is also still having the cleaning lady/organizer come to the house at least once a month to the tune of $300. And get this--this lady drives almost two hours to clean because mom doesn't want to look for a local person to clean, so she pays the lady from where they lived before (three houses ago in 2013) a premium to travel!

It's lunacy. And yes I am a disabled vet and my daughter is autistic. Sh!t I just want to get through the day without a disaster. I am not seeking to validate myself by keeping up with the Joneses. Must be exhausting.
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You give them the information that they need to find the resources that they need.
Area Agency on Aging.
Senior Centers often have Social Workers that can help.
If they need it Debt Consolidation
Numbers for Medicaid
If Step dad is a Veteran it is possible that he may qualify for benefits from the VA. Find the number for the local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can help determine what he would qualify for.
*give them a box of candles and a lighter for when they can't keep the lights on.*
Learning NOW to live BELOW their means, not living within their means might give them a bit of a cushion for later.
It is for the PARENT to provide for the child.
How and what she did (gymnastics, riding lessons, FAMILY vacations ((so this was not your expense alone)) was her choice. Yes you may have asked and benefited BUT she could have said, "Sorry honey we can not afford gymnastics this year, or riding lessons" or "We would all love to take a vacation this year but we have to stick close to home, we can't afford a 2 week trip to Florida to Disney" or whatever the vacation of the year was.
It is not for the child to provide for the parent.
Do not let her "guilt" you into taking them in, giving them money (it would never be a loan) If you did they would not change and would drag you and your family down with them.
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She can demand all she wants, doesn't mean she will get what she wants. And if there is drama...who cares. Hang up the phone. If she pulls the ethnic card, tell her too bad, times have changed and you cannot sacrifice your future because she did not plan for hers.
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This is the stuff that chronic stomach aches are made of. For you, that is to say. Their chronically bad behavior leaves you in a spot where all you want to do is run away to Timbuktu and live off the grid. I get it. I sympathize with you and I feel your pain. Because WHO does things like they've done? WHO spends hundreds of thousands of dollars, throwing good money after bad, fixing up houses to resell them at a LOSS, over and over again? Only those with egos bigger than Duluth Minnesota who have no care about consequences and what happens when their bank account is down to ZERO, as it is now (for the most part). How do you spell LUNACY? Maybe their dementia was in force for a much longer period of time than anyone realized, and their actions were part and parcel of that dementia.

A sad and horrible state of affairs that you are now left to 'deal' with, in one way or another. Even saying NO to them means you are left to deal with the ashes of their fires.

You've gotten some good advice here already from our forum members. You may want to sit down with a Certified Elder Care attorney for a consult; s/he may have a few ideas for you about Medicaid and how to apply for it when the time comes, how they do the 5 year look back, etc. You may also get some good guidance about social services and how to proceed with that.

I wish you good luck and Godspeed, my friend. This won't be easy for you to say NO to them b/c you've been groomed to be their cushion to fall back on; their savior who will rescue them after they foul up their entire lives. But you don't have to BE that person for them, and now is the time to decide what you will and won't do moving forward. Have a plan in place & stick to it, that's the best advice you'll get.
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Yes my friend, here is where she has taught you the consequences of actions. Well I say also let her apply for the services needed and sever all financial ties . She can call you whatever, time to harden your shell, she has taught you to survive while she squandered with expectations. Take a back seat to this one and don’t let that get to you . Your plate is full and she has yet to understand that and you have secured yourself to a system that works.
Step back and only do what’s necessary … just say No!!!!!
That would mean no bending your rule …oh just this once ..scrap that .
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I relate to your situation. My aging father ran out of money due to poor life decisions (over and over) and was basically homeless when my mom unexpectedly died two years ago. My sister let him live with her and her family until it caused serious marital problems for them. So my husband and I offered him to live with us out of guilt. One year later I truly regret not holding a boundary then. I wish I had found this website and all of the valuable info about aging narcissistic parents as I would have made a very different decision. (We are working to him moved out now, but it’s only become more complicated). Wishing you all the strength and mental peace as you hold your boundaries.
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Call 2-1-1
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I would suggest watching YouTube vids on narcissists. It is a great help to know their tactics and how to go "Grey rock". It is not much of a response. Not enough to get them going. They can't argue because you haven't agreed or disagreed, or said much of anything. They get frustrated and give up.
It will also help you disengage.
There are a lot of good videos.
Dont take take them in whatever you do. You will become a 24/7 slave/caregiver and it will destroy your life. They won't care.
Id screen my calls too and don't let them demand you drop everything to cater to them. You have to see the manipulation and guilting for what it is. Normal families don't guilt, bully, manipulate people into doing their bidding. If that starts you don't pick up the phone. You have to learn solid boundaries. It is very hard because of the guilt and their shaming. The vids will help you learn how to become stronger and see it for what it is.
Good luck.
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In the first place, it wasn't your choice to be born. That was your parents choice to bring you into the world and so if you had riding lessons, piano lessons or what ever. Again, that was their choice. Your mom is trying to make you feel responsible for them. Don't fall for it or you'll find yourself down a rabbit hole that will be impossible to get out of. You've got responsibilities of your own because your autistic son didn't ask to be brought into the world either. You owe your mom nothing. You've found the right path and stay the course. You and your brother have given them good advice over the years and they refused to listen and done what they wanted to do half hazzardly so, they've got no one to blame but themselves. When she approaches you about help, and she will, tell her you're in no position to help, that all your investments are typed up for the next 10 year's and that money will be needed for your son, then remind her that this is exactly why you tried to advise her over the years and she wouldn't listen so now she's in a pickle and all you can advise her to do is get in touch with a local senior service and they can point her in the right direction. Then when she asks you to help care for her husband, and she will, just keep repeating what I just suggested. You've got other obligations that are top priority. She'll get mad, probably cuss and scream, but it won't change your mind. If it gets too bad, block her# and don't answer your door to her. She needs to put on her big girl panties and figure this out for herself because that's what adults are suppose to do. She'll struggle till she comes up with a solution. It's called tough love. If you don't follow this advice, you will be in a pickle .... Good luck to you and stay strong. Your child is depending on you.
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Get a list of services in your area for the poor. Give it to her when they run out of money and come begging. You might also download and print applications for welfare programs like Medicaid for her to fill out.
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I've read articles how people are entitled to make bad decisions financially, but they must live with the consequences. Your mother chose to raise you with many privileges, and at that time your parents could afford it. You don't have to pay her back for this. Parents are supposed to care for their young children. Why are you alone responsible for her? Your mother will have to cooperate with finding a solution for herself and your step father. It would be best to connect with a local social worker and senior networks who can advise her and you on their options. She shouldn't be asking you to dig into your investments to pay for her care. While your stepfather is still capable of signing legal documents, make sure all of their paperwork is in order. They need to set up Powers of Attorney for medical and financial matters (and secondary POAs are also good). They need living wills with their advance medical directives and they need wills (they have assets with a house, car, etc.). At some point it might be helpful to consult with an attorney, and if she is literally down to a few thousand dollars, a social worker might be able to recommend a pro bono attorney. There is not much you can do without your parents' cooperation.
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Texas, you say they don't own the current house because of a reverse mortgage. It is well worth checking out if they have any equity, it is uncommon that they would get the full value of the home through reverse mortgage.

More than likely the house could be sold and they end up with some cash for a small house or multiple years assistance on paying for a monthly rent.

Do not trust what your mom tells you about the financial situation, her reality is obviously really off where money is concerned. You have to see the paperwork to know the truth.
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Sorry to sound harsh but you’ve done everything appropriate for them. You have every right to walk away.
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Wow what a dilemma you have going on. Your mother needs to stand on her two feet quit wasting money and the abuse from childhood and as an adult you have to establish boundaries with her. You can forgive and love her still.
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First of all, I am so sorry that you are going through this and know that this site has really helped me .Your story could have been written by me -so similar,but then again ,we shouldn't be surprised . High conflict personalities are one-trick ponies -every single one of them. This is what I have learned in the last few weeks,once someone is admitted to the hospital and deemed demented or in an altered state of consciousness,the hospital has to come up with a plan for discharge. You should tell them very clearly and plainly what you have stated here ,and you are not taking care of them . It sounds like your mother's husband is not far off from landing in the hospital. How does that happen?He will fall or have a suspected a UTI or be generally deemed incapacitated and someone will call 911. Social workers from the hospital will find a nursing home or skilled nursing home and begin the Medicaid application process. Here is my statement now when anyone calls regarding my mother,"How can i help YOU help her?" The Medicaid application is daunting ,but it might be worth the small investment to hire an elder care attorney and once again have them get involved . Remind yourself that you are not legally responsible for any other adult. As for your mom,you could always advise her about social services that she can take advantage of and maybe social workers can help her. I truly hope this helps you and know that you are not alone.
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It's my understanding that poverty will get your parents into Medicaid. Perhaps you can apply for them now by calling Adult Protective Services to request placement assistance. Perhaps you can go on a planned vacation while they're getting used to their new living arrangements.
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