My 90 year old mother still lives independantly and has home care once a week for an hour.

She has always favoured my second youngest sister and she and her husband have done some seriously deceiptful things behind Mums back for which I called them out for "Again" last fortnight

Obviously they have denied it.

I stayed away for 10 days thinking she might think about her behaviour to no avail when we went around about 4 days ago with a meal and some fresh sandwiches (She has been supplied with roast dinners and good meals by both my sister and I for a long long time).

My sister in law and brother were there and the minute we went into mums house we were confronted by my sister in law about how we had been treating Mum so badly and causing trouble in the family.

They havent spoken to us for 3 years and we still dont know why.

I think our mother has told so many lies they all beleive her.

I went in and said to my mother.

"Hi Mum. What is all this trouble and carry on that I am suppose to be causing in the family"?

She straight faced sat there and said "I dont know what your talking about"

The conversation pursued and my gorgeous husband who has always been so good to Mum and done so much for her when my brother in law does nothing asked my mother politely

"Why are you being so rude to us when we come around? We are only trying to help you and when we speak to you you ignore us"

Mum just sat there and the lies that spewed from her mouth ended up having me in tears to the point where I was almost hysterical.

She then said.

"Oh your good at bunging on the theatrics arent you"

Never was the case I was just so gutted with pain and hurt and could not believe the way she lied about everything and never batted an eyelid.

I tried to explain to her that I had been trying to ring her numerous times and she just claimed the phone wasnt working which is another lie.

I am a very smart woman and a phone does not dial a few times and then become busy.

Hubby then got out his mobile dialled her number and bingo.

The phone was working and that is when she really started to lose her shit and become even more vindictive and nasty and then started on Hubby who has no mother of his own and has always been respectful toward her but we just wanted to try to understand why.

By the time we left she still sat there and lied without batting an eyelid.

I have found that most times any liar will avoid eye contact, fold their arms or use other body language that is a dead giveaway but this was the most extreme example of "Dont want to hear your side of the story" we have ever experienced.

My hubby and I are gutted and on top of that I got a message from my youngest sister whom I am very close with asking me if I had written a letter to my Mother then if I had done the same to the other sister.

I was absolutely horrified that my Mother (if thats what you could call her) could make up such horrendous lies.

Apparently she claims she tore the letters up and put them in the bin.

The sister she adores will defend Mum under all situations and the time we spent with mother the other day just showed both Hubby and I just how strong a similarities they have.

My sister and her husband are typical Narcissists and anytime there is trouble in the family they or Mum are behind it.

All my friends and loved ones tell me

"You have to walk away or she is going to destroy you"

I dont feel guilty as I know I have done everything within my power to support and help our mother in her care but I wont put up with lies and deceipt

Can anyone help me deal with this and if so how.

I am as of this event stepping right back and I wont be calling her or visiting her anytime soon if at all.

I have to look after mine and my hubbys health for the sake of our only miracle child of 22. (Late life parents of 60 and 61 our son was blessed upon us at 39)

As a close friend of mine said.

"Your mother has lived her life to 90 but you still have your life to live."

We are gutted.

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My dear Pipsqueak: On Nov. 10, I was thunderstruck by a sentence in your response to Isthisrealyreal: "I know for a fact she will tell everyone in the family that we have turned our backs on her ..."

It popped in my head, yes, you're turning your back on your mother, and if anyone critical of you speaks those words to you, here is one response for you: "Yes. I am. Because my face is battered from her verbal attacks. My eyes are blistered from her looks of hatred and scorn. My head is bruised from her insults. My stomach is exploding from the stress of helping her only to be punched in the stomach by her rejections. My back is all I have left for her."
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to MountainMoose
NeedHelpWithMom Nov 11, 2019
Brilliant answer!
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My Lord, it sounds like you have been to hell and back with your mother. I’m so sorry you have had to endure this pain. No one deserves that kind of treatment.

This may be one of those situations where you have to throw your hands up in the air and give up trying to resolve issues. Sorry, but I honestly don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel in this situation.

Best wishes to you. I hope you find peace and joy in your life. Take care.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Pipsqueak Nov 10, 2019
Hi there NeedHelpWithMum.
Thank you for your support.
Yes I have been through hell and back and awaiting more execution to be honest.
As I said I have not been back nor called since last Saturday when my hubby and I went around to try and talk to her and it blew up in our faces.

We made the decision to call our son yesterday evening AEST as we are in Australia.
My amazing hubby had a chat with him and I think our son felt a bit compromised initially but as Dad explained. "We are not trying to compromise your relationship with Nan as we would never do that but we needed to make you aware of what was going on (He didnt go into too much detail) for fear of upsetting our son.
He explained to our son that everyday Dad would come home from work to me in tears and it had to stop and that so many lies were being made up about us abusing her etc.
I then got on the phone and had a chat and explained to him as well as to how cruel she was being and how we were struggling with coming to this position and I told him her 90th was coming up soon and if he felt he wanted to come visit or call her he has our blessing.
I said to him that I am just going to get some flowers and a card and drop them around the morning of her birthday and not stay as I know the other family will be there and they will again wind our mother up and I can feel it in my bones that I will get told to leave the house.
As I said. "I think things are going to get uglier before we come to terms with our decision"
Its been incredibly saddening but as another friend said yesterday.
"No normal mother treats her child like this"
I asked our son if she had made comments to him before about us/me and he very firmly said.
"She wont say anything to me".
He had said to me ages ago that she had made some remarks about me that he didnt like so perhaps being the assertive person he is like his parents he may well have pulled her up and not let on.
Thank you again everyone for your support.
As I said we dont feel guilty for staying away but feel incredibly sad and pained that she went crying to my brother who has been so verbally abusive toward her and they both backstabb everyone in the family to everyone and as I said to our son.
"We do not want to be involved in this toxic behaviour"
He said.
"Mum You be the better person and take the flowers around to Nans and then leave"
He felt that was the mature thing to do.
Thank you all so much.
See 1 more reply
Pip, I think that I would have a talk with my son.

She will definitely try to turn him against you guys. So giving him a heads up will help him prepare to avoid being put in that uncomfortable position.

I wouldn't say to much, I would just let him know that he should be mindful of being used, because you don't want to see his energy wasted on drama that doesn't have to be. 22 is years old is a mature age, I bet he already knows that g'ma is nasty to his parents, he also knows that his parents are such nice people that they overlooked a lot of crap to do the best they could to help.

It is a great opportunity to show him what boundaries look like and that it is okay to set and enforce them.

I am happy that you guys are protecting yourselves from the narc, it is such an ugly character.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Pipsqueak Nov 10, 2019
Hi there Isthisrealyreal
Thank you all for your advice.
I have not rang my mother since the confrontation last Saturday nor has she contacted me even after knowing I had to have 8 biopsies of the bowel done which epitomises how little she cares.
My hubby and I are incredibly sad but dont feel guilty as we know we only spoke the truth and I will never ever forget the look of pure hatred and resentment in her eyes that day we tried to talk things out with her.
Hubby has messaged our son and asked for a time that suits him for us to call this evening AEST but we have both agreed to keep it simple and give him the heads up but not be seen to be condemning his grandmother as he only has one grandparent.
We have never been ones to ask anyone to takes sides in any situation.
I will let everyone know how things go.
My gut feeling is he will beleive his grandmother if she gets the chance as she so turns on the charm and is so beleivable and he is a very mature 22 but in saying that we have rang him before in regards to this and when he rang me back to talk I was hysterical and so much so that my amazing hubby had to take the phone off me and explain what was going on.
We dont want to see our only son hurt as none of the family have ever bothered with him and as far as the favourite sister and her husband go our son said. "Mum I dont care as they have nevered bothered with me' but it may be different with his Nan as he adores her.
I do have another younger sister and I have talked things out with her and she has just had double breast reconstruction in the last couple of months and so I dont want to lean on her too much.
She is horrified but if she defends me Mum will turn on her and we dont want that to happen but what does that tell you.
My mother backstabbs everyone even my younger sister who has had the breast cancer surgery at 52 with 2 young teenage adults.
My mother had a very low grade breast cancer taken out but "Oh no No one else can be sick thats my attention seeking tool"
Again the charm she turns on is like one of those bedside touch lamps.
I know for a fact she will tell everyone in the family that we have turned our backs on her which is her own doing anyway.
My amazing network of friends said to me.
"Anyone that knows you and hubby know you would never do the wrong thing and after everything you have both done for her you's have every right to walk away'
Thank you all again for your support.
As I said we both feel incredibly sad but hubby said the same thing.
"She doesnt care about you and its not your fault" but I am a very deep and empathetic person and if my son chooses not to beleive me it will destroy me.
Your Mom has a personality disorder that can't be cured. And for whatever reason, she has aimed her nastiness at u. They seem to single out that one child. Me...I would not even do Christmas. Why ruin your day. I actually wouldn't even send her a card. Wouldn't call. Wouldn't answer her calls. If sisters call to make u feel guilty, just tel, them ur tired of being her punching bag and lies. Say that a woman who treats a child like that can't love them. So, Mom deserves none in return. She has two other daughters, you are no longer going to take her abuse.

I would explain things to ur son. He probably has already figured out something is not quite right with Gma. My MIL told lies about me and other people. It was my youngest who pointed out Gma was passive aggressive. Getting her way by going a head and doing it even when you have told her no. Then, being upset because u didn't appreciate it. Both my girls "knew" their grand mom. Let ur husband explain things. Less emotion.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JoAnn29
Pipsqueak Nov 10, 2019
Hi JoAnn
Thank you too for the support.
Yes I agree.
I think it best that my hubby talk to our son as it will come across better from his father.
Naturally father and son are that tad closer but as I said "my hubby lost his Mum when he was 3 and his father took off and left them with his grandparents with whom we were both incredibly close too." So I think he is struggling more so than me as he can see how sad I am.
If I was hardarsse and uncaring and insensitive I would probably take it better.
It is her 90th on the 24th of November and I said to my hubby "What do I do" He said "Nothing"
I thought we will go over to visit our son on that day call in with a bunch of flowers give them to her and leave then no one can say I didnt bother but as hubby said. "It wont matter what you do she will use it against you and so will the siblings that are supporting her after the way they have treated her" Their only concern is being left out of the will and I/we do not want a penny from her.
Damned if I do and damned if I dont Hey.
Thanks everyone
Keep in mind that sociopaths are what they has nothing to do with you.  Your "mom" is a great example.  Trying to understand them is fruitless because they live in a world where everyone else is just Kleenex - use and toss.  If you are a basically decent person you will never "understand" them, nor would you want to.  I'd go no contact and stay out of the toxic soup. There are so many other people who would really appreciate any help you could give them.  Put your time and energy into potentially rewarding relationships.  You cannot fix your mom - even professionals would almost certainly not succeed.  She would have to be motivated to change and how likely is that?
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to rovana
Pipsqueak Nov 8, 2019
Hi Rovana. Thank you for your advice and we are trying to come to terms with the fact that we have to walk away. We dont feel guilty but my amazing hubby and I feel incredibly sad and we expected that.
It will be and is a greiving process to say the least and you have a very valid point by saying that if I am and we both are very good people so that is what makes it so hard to understand.
We dont comprehend anyone doing the things that my mother and my cunning and manipulative sister and her husband do.
Yes There are people in our lives that love and cherish us (and 99% of people I have discussed this with all say the same thing).
"Walk away! No one has the right to treat you and hubby like crap."
Again our biggest concern is how to bring this ugly situation up with our only son who adores his Nan but only being 22 they are still young and naieve in regards to people like this and she is so so charming when he comes to visit
I dont go around like a Willy Wagtail on a fence discussing it in public by my friends and people that know my hubby and I have noticed how "Wrecked" we look and genuinely care enough to ask what is wrong that we look so stressed and sad.
I know we can hold our heads up proud that we taken the utmost care of her over the years and we use to take her fish and chips every Sunday, buy her Chinese takeaways, I took her meals as well as did my sister but we never ever got a thank you so that stopped weeks ago.
Thank you again for your kind words
The majority is obvious in their advice Hey
There comes a time when you must walk away.  What your mother is doing is plain and simple manipulation and mental abuse.  There is no need to continue allowing her to do this to you.  At this point, you are allowing it.   She has clearly preferred the sister for years and that will not change.  If you are looking for some sort of approval or are not going to get it.  At 90...her ways, mentality, personality are set in stone. 
My advice to you...go on about your life with your husband and live with happiness and peace.  You will not find that trying to be a part of her life.  It is what it is.  Do not continue to allow them to make you miserable.  If she lies and tells tall tales about you and makes blatant lies about how you treat her...there is no reason to spend time with her.  You are just giving her ammunition for her lies.  She is abusing you and your husband both.  There is no reason to stand for it.  She has the "perfect" sister to take care of you know what...then let her...let the perfect sister do everything and step back.    You cannot do anything correctly in their opinions, so leave them to make all of the decisions and do all of the work from now on.  Your efforts are not going to bring you any type of affirmation...these people do not care.  
Get on with your life, be happy, healthy and pay your respects upon her passing.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Wuzzyblue
Pipsqueak Nov 7, 2019
Hi there Wuzzyblue.
You too have been able to instill in our minds what we both know but found too difficult to digest emotioanally.
Yes It is what is and it is emotioanal abuse and as I said to another member "I had to have 8 biopsies of the bowel on Tuesday and not once has any of my family called to say "How did you go".
My oldest brother and my younger sister care but when push comes to shove they will fence sit and end up supporting mum as she has the attitude I am the mother, I can say what I want.
Being 90 does not give anyone the right to throw their manners out of the window.
My beautiful hubby and I started with nothing and worked our butts off for what we have and want nothing from her when she leaves this earth.
Yes I will be leaving everything chore wise, meal wise, GP visits and so forth to my sister as her husband only goes along to Drs visits as it puts him out in the public eye.
In all the years my sister and he have been together not once has he mowed the grass, trimmed the trees, fixed the air con, and the list goes on that outlines what my amazing husband has done for her.
Well no more.
You are right Wuzzyblue.
These people simply do not care.
It sounds like the perfect place in the non relationship to get on with your own life.

My dad does the same thing, it blows my mind that he can lie so effortlessly.

I call and visit on my terms. I won't give him anything except a meal in a restaurant, he only complains and quite frankly, I don't want to hear it after I have lovingly prepared a meal.

I would let it go and decide what you will do and when, then enjoy your life and family.

There is no dealing with a narcissist, they only are kind when they want something and can use you. But that kindness is only to your face. You know what she is, it's okay to move away from her reach.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Pipsqueak Nov 7, 2019
Hi Isthisreallyreal.
Thank you for your support and you have pretty much said what we have decided we have to do for our own sake and our health for the sake of our miracle only son and his partner. As I said to others "The difficult part will be her trying to manipulate our sons mind next time he rings her as she turns on the charm with others so that she can lead them to beleive that she is not at fault and she is the victim" which we all know Narcissists are very good at.
So, if your mother has always favored one of your siblings, it seems unlikely that this behavior will ever change.

What is your aim here?

To get mom to like you better? (not going to happen)
To get mom to admit she's wrong? (not going to happen)

The only thing that you have under control in this situation is YOUR behavior. You can step away from the abuse and dysfunction, stop caring about mom's lies and your sister's deceit.

You can sent a Christmas card and birthday flowers and chalk it up to karma that you got the short end of the stick in the mother department.

Life is too short to deal with folks like this. They destroy our mental health and our peace.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Isthisrealyreal Nov 6, 2019
Well said.
See 1 more reply
I am so sorry for your and your husband's pain. (Your husband is golden!)

This all boils down to you and him. What is you want? For her to stop purposefully tormenting you? If so, what do you think that will take?

To any problem, the only solutions are: you accept it, you change it, or you adapt. You can accept her horrific treatment; you likely can't change her horrific treatment as she must change her horrific treatment of you; or you can adapt.

You can adapt by strictly limiting your dealing with her, such as never calling or limit seeing her to only once a month. Since your mother has "Sweet Sister" to care for her, I strongly recommend dropping to once a month or simply walking away.

Your mother can live for another ten years. Will you with your stress? She will be cared for (ignoring the shenanigans of SS). You and your darling husband matter. And you both can live your own lives in peace and contentment.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to MountainMoose
Pipsqueak Nov 7, 2019
Thank you Mountain Moose.
Our best friends father said to me when we visited.
"How old is your mother"?
I said "90" in November"
His response was
"Well your mother has lived her life albeit a hard one but she is 90 and we dont want to be burying you before your mother"
A true fact Hey.
I have had high blood pressure, 8 biopsies of the bowel done this week and not even a phone call from my own mother or any of my family to see how I am coping so it paints a definitive portrait Hey.
You are all amazingly supportive and have made it an easier transition even though it will be a difficult one but my husband, our son and his gorgeous girlfreind will always be my first priorities. So I have to start taking more care of my emotional well being.
Its not like I have been disrespectful but I wont put up with nonsense from anyone and if my siblings choose to beleive her lies that is their choice.

Even before this confrontation on the weekend I would leave her house with a raging headache, or in tears or just so angry.
I want to see my grandkids.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
Go no contact, stop beating your head in..she will not change. I have not spoken to my mother for 8 years and I will not go back into her h#ll, she is very toxic to me and has abused me all my life. I am done!

Your mother has lived her life on her own terms, you need to do the same. Wishing you the very best!
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to DollyMe
Pipsqueak Nov 7, 2019
Hi there DollyMe.
You have just stated what our best friends father told me last weekend.
"Your mother has lived her life and you have to live the rest of yours. We dont want to be coming to your funeral"
Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.
You have all given me and hubby so much clarity.
See 1 more reply
Why do you think that your mother doesn't have dementia?

Has she always behaved this way, or is this new behavior?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Pipsqueak Nov 7, 2019
Hi there BarbBrooklyn.
She has always had a nasty streak and she has been in respite for 3 weeks around 18 months ago and seen by many many doctors and if they had any suspicions of her mental state they would have assessed her without her even being aware.
My sister and her brother in law have worked in aged care for over 35 years so as I said to my hubby now that we are making that decision to stay away
"They are the experts so they can take over"
I'm sorry you’ve dealt with this. No one deserves abusive treatment, no matter who it’s coming from. There are many on this forum who have been the victims of narcissist parents, these parents don’t change as they aren’t capable of seeing a problem with their behavior. So the change is up to you. Only you can decide if you’ll continue to be involved or if it’s best for your own health to step away
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Pipsqueak Nov 7, 2019
Hi there Daughterof1930
Thank you too for your support.
Everyone in this forum has been amazingly supportive and have given both myself and my hubby some clarity.
Yes you are correct.
She has never seen a problem with her behaviour and has always stuck it to me especially and I and my amazing hubby have been the ones who have done the most for her.
As I said in other answers my sister and her hubby worked in aged care for over 35 years and they had tried to put her away years ago and our mother wont have a bar of the fact that they have lied and been deceiptful.
They crawl after her, patronise her and slather the attention on her which she thrives on.
Loves to be the centre of attention and always has done.
We (Hubby and I ) have always been respectful and kind but wont patronise her and if she is nasty I will put her in her place politely.
Hubby and I are coming to the decision for the sake of our health to step away.
I have been doing so very slowly for a few weeks and when I stayed away for 10 days I did try to ring her every day but her phone would dial a few times and then be busy.
I know for a fact that she would have been taking it off the hook as I have seen her do it to other people'

I thought if I stayed away for a while she might have the maturity to have a look at her behaviour and think about it but it just made things worse as hubby and I went around on Saturday to try to talk to her but she sat there in front of my sister in law who attacked me the minute I walked in the door about how badly I have been treating Mum. (more outright lies)
The one thing especially that hubby and I cant deal with is the two faced attitude she has with everyone.
My sister in law that attacked me lives 6 hours away and Mum had only said a couple of weeks ago "I dont ever want to see them again' after my brother abused her twice when he visited on rare occasions.
She then gets on the phone to them telling them god only knows what after I left on the day she rang them and after she had been so nasty to me and accused me of abusing her.
When she was so nasty I said to her.
"Well what about the way you and ^&&%% (the golden haired sister) treat me" and I left and slammed the door in sheer frustration at her behaviour.
Her behaviour and the fact that the other siblings will defend her because they dont want to be left out of the will does mine and hubbies heads in.
We want nothing from her when she leaves this earth.
We are not money grabbers.

As I said in other posts our concern is her upsetting our son if he calls her as she is so manipulative and believable and he doesnt need any crap in his life as he has been through depression.
He knows nothing of these recent episodes but I will have to tell him that things are not great between his nan and us but we dont want him to be involved.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. It seems like she would be better off in a facility and let them do the heavy lifting and you can visit as often as you like. You do deserve a life of your own.

At 90 years of age, should she really be alone? Is she lonely? Does she needs help with chores? Or personal needs such as bathing?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Pipsqueak Nov 7, 2019
Hi there NeedHelpWithMum.
My mother still lives independantly and showers herself and only uses a walker but many times we have seen her getting around quite well without it.
She bungs it on big time when there are people around and she has had plenty of offers from us to take her for a drive (which she refuses to do). Offers of people to come visit
"I dont want people in the house" then complains that no one bothers with her.
She still cooks for herself but I and my "Golden Haired sister" still took meals around every day and she would put mine in the freezer and not eat them but rounds of applause for my sister when she brought meals around.
Just really childish behaviour as far as we can see.
She backstabs anyone and everyone behind their backs and turns on the charm when they are around which I find very difficult to comprehend.

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