I need to know how to better deal with my 83 yr old AD mom's negative attitude and anger. She has lived with me since May '10 due to many issues ( getting lost driving for one and I haven't let her drive since May, falling not eating right forgetting meds etc…..) It is more and more evident of her anger and I assume another sign of her significant AD( per the neurologist) but the negative attitude is also getting extremely worse. I try my best in being positive to her and trying to find the "good" in things but she will argue with me till she is worn out telling me the bad. Lately, I cannot do anything right and twice now she has told me she regrets letting me take over all her business matters and now even taking care of her. I offer her to go live with my brother or some where they will take care of her then she says they won't take care of her and goes to some other subject. I totally understand that she is afraid as she is losing her independence and freedom she once had and I have tried numerous times to talk to her about it and what is happening to her and how I want to help her but to no good as she gets angry at me. When we are out driving I can't even take the right street that she tells me I should take the streets that she drives on…….. Just not sure what to do as it is really getting me down and my nerves seem frayed. She won't even go stay with my brother for a couple of weeks to give us a break here and I am not ready to put her in a retirement center. HELP

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Ha. If there was an easy fix for that, we probably would not need this web site. A constant stream of toxic criticism is draining and if you can't get away from it will wear you down unless you are more serene and secure than the Dalai Lama. And he is not available as a private caregiver as far as I know.

One option is to try to do as many things as you can stand to exactly the way your mom would like them done. I mean, I fix my hair a certain way when I am going to see mom, and have learned to do certain tasks while she is otherwise occupied to avoid being yelled at. And I do get more positives than negatives now. But, she does not live with me so I have the ability to keep visits short and sweet. One day when my nerves were really frayed, the staff where she is suggested I did not have to visit as often (I was going daily) and not to visit when I have had a bad day, because they understood that it takes a lot to avoid being affected by this negativity.

You have already done well to realize that there are emotional reasons for it from her point of view, and are trying not to take it personally. Let me reassure you that YES, it is irrational and unreasonable, and that's part of the dementia package unfortunately - you lose your reasoning ability. She clearly doesn't want you to stop taking care of here though, and isn't resonaing that if she harasses you constantly you are more likely to rather than less. But, as you have noted, reasoning with her just is not going to work. Ignoring it does not feel right, at least not at first, but at some point you realize that you pretty much have to.

I wish I had better news or a better way to make it easier...
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