How to go about making the decision for mom?


I need help she is 78, had flu, shows paranoia, is hateful, and refuses to go to the Dr. ADLs. Help! refuses to go to the Dr. Believes ppl are messing with her all the te. Calls me accuses me of all sorts of a asinine things. She is ambulatory, can address her ADLS but doesn't. She's severely depressed (my thought).Just sits and watches TV.
Yesterday, I carried lunch out and checking on her. She had cut off the refrigerator. She denied doing it. But she does.She always believes it blows cold air on her because someone (me) made it to make her cold.On and on..its out of control.
She refuses to go to the Dr. (That I am aware).And she can act quite AOX3.
If I read one more article about how to go with what she states, I may these folks evidently deal with extremely COMPLIANT FOLKS..Which she is not in any way, shape or form. Sorry, I digressed.
The refrigerator had thawed in the freezer, ruining all ll the meats ,chicken cream was horrible. I stood there and wondered ,,,how many times has this occurred prior to now. Just a gut feeling ,and knowing her thought process.
Well, she is livid, accuses me of messing with it. DENYING that the food is thawed..I told her, it doesn't matter how, we just need to clean its all fine..OMG..WHAT?? Mom, this food is bad. All the groceries are bad. So ,I turned to wash the piles of dishes mounting . She fussed about she doesn't want me to do them. Again. Well, some one needs to. .she said, she would. Like she did yesterday, and the day before. Bless her heart. I'm trying to help. She is horrendous.
I left the crap filled litter box for her. She won't empty it. One cat, and it goes outside. Get that horrible ammo nia, feces piled litter box outside. Omg..
What can I do?? She refuses help!

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Your Mum needs to see a her doctor, before she drives you to the wall. Make a Doctors appointment, but tell her you are taking her out for a drive. Go to the appointment with her, and be your Mums advocate (speak for her, although she can speak for herself) Tell the Dr about concerns you have and I hope it goes well. All the best, Arlene Hutcheon
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Perhaps she has had a stroke? Maybe she has a urinary tract infection? Maybe it is the onset of dementia of some sort? Maybe a diagnosis of dementia may be what is frightening her? She may know something is wrong. How long has this been going on? Some types of dementia are treatable. She needs to get to the doc and probably testing by a neurologist to determine what is going on.

Does your brother live with her? If so, why are dishes piled in the sink, the fridge unplugged, the cat box overflowing? She needs more care than she is receiving right now she is not OK at home. Who has her POA's? Many times the POA includes language that permites that person to select a suitable living situation. It did in my Mom's case.

Somehow, someway she needs to see the doctor and it sounds as if it will be through the ER. It could even be a psychotic break, or a fall that will get her there. Then you will have the opportunity to have them do testing to determine what is going wrong with her. You can refuse to take her home telling them that until they figure out the problem she needs more care than she is receiving at home.
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One more thing. Does mom have a doctor? Can s/he script a visiting nurse to check out her vitals, take a urine sample, etc?
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Turtlr, do i recall that your brother lives with her?

I think i might consider calling your local Area Agency on Aging and seeking their advice. Some of these agencies have social workers on staff who may be able to guide you in a plan to assist mom. You also might consider calling Adult Protective Services and reporting her as a vulnerable adult.

Sure she can do her ADLs ( or can she?). But she's making poor choices and is no longer processing the real world. She's doing whay many cognitively limited/mentally ill/ and/or demented people do, which is to see the nearest body as the one responsible for whatever is wrong. But her choices and her delusions are putting her in real danger (spoiled food, vermin, not allowing help in).

If those two agencies have no magic bullet, you may have to wait for The Fall. Something will happen and 911 will be called. You then have the ability to talk to the discharge department about what her living conditions are like and her refusal of outside help.

Unfortunately, this is going to get worse before it gets better. You're's hard to go along with someone who is living in an alternate reality. Maybe others have better suggestions about that.
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I used to think that she displayed "caregiver psychosis ". Even encouraging her to accept ANY help or see a DR is simply non productive.
The minister has tried, my uncles, etc..she is just fine and not going to take any meds. Not happening. My Dr's keep telling me to bring her in. Seriously? ? Lol..u so funny Doc!!
Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to share here ,just the same.
Thanks for any suggestions or insight.
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Plz forgive the typos. .auto correct on the mobile. .grrrr
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What is beginning to occur with the winter months, she gets up and moves to the living room. Makes some coffee. Then sort of begins the day. She typically wears the same clothes 4-5 days in a row. Isn't bathing or washing her hair. To the best of my knowledge, she is continent. She has an interverted personality, but she has become more withdrawn. And argues with everything. (I think that she was like that before but had more tact.)
The food sits out or sits in the refrig ,since Christmas time. She absolutely is hateful towards me the majority of the time. My brother and I will get together every so often and clean up things or take her to the hair salon. We have to really push her. If it's just I or him ,she non compliant. But if it's both of us she'll go along sometimes.
He put an antenna up for hee TV reception.(more than once). Shell take it all down. Because he's spying on her. Or someone is. I am afraid she is having a break from reality. My step dad died a year ago. He was on hospice 4 yrs. She was the caregiver. They came by but she never had respite or even 4 hr care. It was her alone. She gets weird just leaving the house. I really don't know how to proceed with any care or help. She is adamant that she wants to remain home. I'm ok with that choice. Just would like to see her accept some Home Health.
Her eating is sparce. I typically try to take her something. She will woof it down . Then will say the food made her ill sometimes. .its crazy...She cooks some but she is cautious as she has a tendency to forget and burn..
I would so hate to be inside her mind as she really must struggle with everything and everyone. My heart truly hurts for her. ---Then I get angry
with her ludicrous accusations.
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Some of Mom's behaviors sound like dementia or at least some kind of cognitive disconnect.

If she has not been declared incompetent by a court and you are not her guardian, you have very little legal ability to make decisions for her. Obviously what you want to do is act in her best interests, but without some kind of authority that is hard to do.

The thing I'd encourage most strongly, I think, is getting her to a doctor for an evaluation. Get her depression treated (if the doctors agree with your conclusion).

When you say she can do ADLS but doesn't, what do you mean? Which ones doesn't she do?

How long has this behavior been going on?
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