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I don't want to diminish his dignity. He has been resistant to gentle prodding about trying to keep clean after a b.m. : so he doesn't get a rash, etc. He makes up stories about how others in the family aren't cleaning themself. Should I just deal with the situation the way it is, and wash the sheets daily, and the toilet seat and sink each time he leaves "soiled " marks ?

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The shower is the best I've come up with and my dad feels fresh. Clean clothes and all. Takes less time than trying to clean every crevice and cleaning up everywhere.
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My dad has a walk in shower and after a BM I just ask him to step in and I use the removable shower head while he sits in the shower chair and use soap and water. Wala! New clothes on dirty clothes in the wash. I found this is much easier and more effective for a clean person than wiping and cleaning him with wipes.
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@IronMan - thank you for your story. I laughed AND cried. You sound like a wonderful son. I've had similar experience with my mom and am still working on my patience with her because she gets so upset when she has accidents / issues and sometimes takes it out on me as I try to help...but I'm pretty sure that is partly due to her dementia.

Today, I finally started researching bidets and came across this site. (Incidentally, my mom asked for one several years back when her mobility and cognitive functioning was better, but nobody took her seriously.) Because of the hygiene issues she has been having recently, I now take her seriously. I have been reading about the Luxe Bidet This one is designed for females. The slightly less expensive Luxe Bidet Neo 120 is not designed for females and appears to work fine for men (according to the reviews.) These models are not electrical and are less expensive, but should still "do the trick". I would read the reviews and research more bidets to determine if you think you or your loved one might want the additional, nice-to-have features of an electric bidet (e.g., heated water, heated seats, dryer, etc.)

I'll post again after we've used the bidet above for awhile.
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I bought a bidet toilet seat online. You need an electrical outlet nearby. Both water and seat are heated. I saw that Kohler now sells a bidet/toilet combination with a sanitizing uv light. I think the Japanese are on to something. All toilets should have this feature, it's really nice to be clean.
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Seeing all of these responses will be so very helpful to me! Thank you all so very Much! I'm a gay guy and have always helped my mom and dad dress and bathe in their senior years just to be their for them! I remember one time when my dad went to go and poop. He's always been very modest and one never to ask for anything, let alone help! I'd always make sure he was seated properly then give him time to do his thing standing outside the door. This one time he got up and was on his way and I said I'm coming......he said "I'm ok"....so I stood outside the door anyway. Next thing ya know I hear him yelling my name....I ran into the bathroom and there he lay on the bathroom floor after falling off the toilet and pooping all at the same time and couldn't get up. I had just given him a hot shower and clean clothes. He felt so helpless. I picked him up while saying ...... "looks like we didn't quite make it this time so let me get you back in the shower and get us cleaned up dad -- no big deal --that's what I'm here for". He apologized while saying he just couldn't help it.......I stopped him and said oh dad this is nothing......it happens and it's easier for you and I both to just get you in the shower and get us cleaned up.....I have and had then such a positive, reassuring attitude to ensure that it's not his fault and shit happens! We got him clean and sat in his recliner and put his Little House on the Prairie on tv! After cleaning up the toilet, the walls behind it, the floor and clothes, I was pretty tired. One of those beday things would work wonders for my mom now a days. Where do you get one? Right now I go through a lot of Poise pads for her incontinence, depends like underwear, and the cottonelle fresh wipes. Is their a way to order these items by bulk and save money as apposed to buying at Wal Mart?
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I found that using a wet wash rag made this easier. It is usually two swipes, to be thorough. Wet it with warm water, wipe, fold and wipe again. It is hard. Get white ones from dollar general or big lots, and put used ones in a diaper pail. Wash with bleach in the water to sanitize. This is hard for both of you. It's easier on them if they don't see your discomfort with the task. The other thing that helps is for you to have the surgical gloves handy by toilet to keep the matter off your hands.
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My Dad used to use this device and it worked really well. Go-Anywhere Bidet by needasystproducts. Hope this helps.
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My friends mom is in great health for an 80 year. She has taken a coulpe of falls. She is afraid to do anything even sleep by herself.she wont do anything to help herself not even wipe after going to bath room.she puts off her personal hygeine even when asked she refuses to do/or help with her care.She is so codependent it is pushing her family away.she act like a child,when someone calls or comes by she lays a guilt trip on them.i see the more you give into her wants (not her needs) the more she takes and want. Does seem to care about any body but herself. I know shes lonely she wont let anyone forget. But she is so emoitoinly draining how can i get her to be greatful for what she has and make do with what she has?
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Bevisue: Years ago when my mom helped my step dad potty. She had a wooden spoon she wrapped toilet paper on and wiped him. This became a family joke. After he died and she moved in with me she had several wooden spoons in her kitchen drawers( not the "one she used" and I put them in my daughters boxes she was taking to her new lake house. Funny joke. But it actually worked forwiping. Then flush the paper. I looked online for something like this....too much information
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Is there any sort of hand help that extends with a sparate throw-a-way wet cloth on the end of it? You know, kind of like a back scratcher.....something that will reach back to the area that needs to be wiped. My mother's arms are not long enough, and she has arthritis to complicate matters. She is 95 years old. Please advise.

BB in Houston
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I have wondered why bidets are not utilized more for the elderly. I bought my parents a bidet from Sanicare online. It's incredible ... now the prices range from $30 on up but we got one on sale that must be the Cadillac of bidets. It actually has a control panel so that you adjust where the water sprays and also the water temperature. My Dad loves it and the day we installed it ( and for several days thereafter ) he spent most of his time in the bathroom. It's not 100% user friendly for the elderly but let me just say this ... Dad was having so much difficulty wiping we were throwing out underwear. It's such a touchy issue because both of my parents want to be left alone when doing their business so the bidet helps them to maintain some of that independence that gives them their dignity. It's amazing that there's so many of us willing to learn so many new things in order to take care of our folks. Let me tell you, I never would have chosen the healthcare field as one I wanted to work in.
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Very interesting caregivertoo. I may look for this on Craigs myself. I like being clean.
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Revise. It is not actually a seat that goes under the toilet seat, it is a bar that fits under right where the bolts to the seat are.
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I got my bidet on ebay for $30. I had to attach a water hose to the water supply line (which was really easy). I'm a 59 year old woman with no plumbing skills...so if I can do it...anyone can. The seat connects under the toilet seat. There is a valve on the side that you lift up when ready to clean that just sprays you clean. It can be gentle or come out hard, depending on how you open it. Very easy!! You would think that because it is cold water (we have well water so ours is very cold) that it would be uncomfortable, but you are not aware of it at all.
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I'm spoiled. My mom had an emergency colostomy (irreversible) a few years back, so I clean up by removing a disposable bag and wiping a wafer clean, and the skin beneath the wafer is cleaned with a special wipe. I change the wafer ~ once a week. Easy, breezy... colostomy!

Even so with a foley and a colostomy bag, I use a bottle bidet for daily cleansing her nether areas. I only use warm water in the bottle. No soap. And then I blot dry. (er.. I do this when she's at home. At the moment, the CNA's at the hospital are doing the nether area cleansing and the whole body cleaning. I still do the colostomy changes in the hospital. CNA's are poorly trained in this area it seems).
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I think this is THE hardest thing, not only for the caregiver, but mostly for the parent (or person in need of help). I have to do this for my mom because she either didn't wipe or wiped it up all over her private parts. After one year, she is finally used to it, but for the first 9 months, she would always say, "This is so embarrassing." I would just make a joke of it, and say, "Would you rather if Bill (my brother) was wiping for you?" Then she would laugh and laugh and say no. It has to be done though, or like others said, rashes and infections etc. It is not the most pleasant task, and I know it would be harder if I was cleaning my dad. It is one task that never gets easier. I hope you're able to convince him to let you help out in that area.
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Excuse me!! lol A Freudian slip in the above response! Revision: Where do you BUY them? (bidets)
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Are bidets expensive? where do u but them? Also, do any of you ladies remember taking a "sitz" bath or using the "peri-clean" bottle on stitches after giving vaginal births? Maybe something like that could be used after bm. Squirt warm water on the behind to help rinse away extra "poo-residue". Could make wiping easier.
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I discovered a sitz bath. This may be obtained from a medical supply store. It is round and fits perfectly into the tiolet bowl. You put water in it, it even has overflow openings back and front. It works wonders and it allows the elderly to do it themselves. I am taking care of my 93 year old mother, and I noticed that after using it with her a couple times, she had started to use it by herself. I was so proud of her, and of course I told her this. She was delightfully pleased to hear me say this.

Be sure to try it out. Water is this best cleanser, and there is no installation. I leave it in her bathroom for her convenience. I also discovered that a lemon smelling soap so far works magically for eliminating the odor of the bm. I know my mom is the freshest smelling elderly in world hands down! Tricks in trade.
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Thanks for responding, caregivertoo. That is useful information. I'm not there (yet) but I'll tuck this away for future reference. Maybe it will have more immediate interest for exnewport.
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My husband has MS and has toilet problems. I have installed a bidet, to answer jeanniegibbs question. It is wonderful. He really appreciates it. Since he has been using it, there is no mess at all to clean up. I have to sponge bathe him and commended him on how nice it is to clean him and not have to clean up "crap":)
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He may be mobile, but may have trouble reaching back there if he has a stiff back or other joint issues or extra weight. It could also be forgetfulness. Also how is his BM's? Is he getting enough fiber and "good" bacteria so he is regular, but not messy or constipated? Does he have some bowel problems? Sounds like there might be another issue besides the wiping, too.
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Baby Wipes!
get a nice supply of those and yes, someone needs to get in there and make a shiny hiney.
This is the single hardest thing with caregiving and if you approach it right and don't make a big deal out of it you have a shot of making this work.
He's going to say anything and do anything but if you can get it across that he will feel better and be healthier maybe he'll let you.
tell him, hey if you broke your arm I'd feed you some dinner.... this is the same thing. You need help and I'm here to give it!
My mom went through an adjustment period with this issue just like everybody's mom and dad did.
Big change.

Good luck,
lovbob
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I see that some caregivers have gone so far as to install a bidet for cleaning their loved ones backsides. Maybe some who have done that will report on how well it resolves the issue.

It may be a matter of memory loss, but it can also be a diminished ability to reach around behind oneself. This is not laziness or obstinance -- it is a physical limitation. Doing extra laundry and cleaning might be worth it to preserve Dad's dignity, but that doesn't solve the very real issue of Dad's health, as Linda points out. Somehow he needs to get clean.
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my dad is almost 88 yrs old . i have to take him to the bathroom . yes i have to wipe his butt . you may have to start doing that for him .
the poop left in his crack will get sore and infections will set in .
good luck ...
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