How do you deal with your feelings of resentment when your siblings don’t help?

luvmom . yes dad was in the war . bro and i didnt want to hassle with the veterns , long paper work and all , i am not sure how to start it but didnt want to mess with it .

Well it is true my post was booted all I asked Julie Siri was what her expertise was in -is she a caregiver or reading from a textbook for social work students-I might need to post this on another thread.

OK so your dad was in the war---you can get help $$$$$$$ did you know that?

luvmom- dont we have wonderful docs NOT !! i tol dhim that dad needs some painpills , he said give him tylenol . phhttttttttt. he wanted to know why , i told him well his back hurts and old injury achin pains and all . he fought war ! u s o b ! give him tyelnol . i just wanted to smack him .

yes this AC is a wonderull place to be . :-) xoxo

Oh, I've heard that one many times -- today was can you hire someone to pick her up from the hospital. Now, wouldn't that seem heartless in a way? so many times I have asked for help only to be let down and believe me it hurts, doesn't it?

Linda09, I had to look and see if I wrote this? "ditto!!!!" mine say the exact same thing!!!!
ON the doctor, why is it his decision if your dad gets care? If your dad has money, he pays, if he doesnt, apply for medicaid or the VA if he was in the service.
OH I loved this posting, its so my life!

juilesiri- u had me smiling when u said to email the siblings and give them a small tast to do etc .
they will act like they never ck thier email , they will say oh i cant i have plans . or they say uhh i live too far away go hire someone eles . or they will tell you to go dive in the black hole ! mine would tell me if i cant handle dad i can put him in the nursing home . some would tell you well that is what you wanted to do so dont come crying to me about it . siblings will not and wont help . some siblings will and thank god for them !
my siblings leaves me alone . if they want to know how dad is they can get a hold of me otherwise they wont know cuz i wont tell them .
best bet is to hire someone to care and help you but thenit cost money to do that . dad s doc says no to hospices or home care . so im stuck , do it all . thats ok i love my dad ad i get to cheerish the time we have now .
i have a daughter that will kick me out ofthe house and tell me to go out and have fun . i thank god everyday for her .
i feel for u all and i know siblings is rude in the lord s eyes . SHAME ON THEM !

oh, yes, I've heard that one before. I made up a little spreadsheet once that I will use if need be: hours missed from work = $'s, Gas money = $'s, time with family = $'s, my anguish = $'s. maybe i'm just tired, but I am so extremely hurt that I cannot even reach someone by phone.

I don't know what was said before, but as a caregiver you have to do what works for you. Today, I feel that no one cares that I've been up since 5 a.m. sitting at the hospital with no one to call as they don't answer their cell phones (too busy), to all of those people,,,, thank you for the pain of handling it all.... Thank you for letting me stress about losing my job so i can send my son off to college... and thank you for asking what happens now. (that was a sacarstic thank you, btw)

I am the main caregiver for my 85 year old mother also, I have 7 siblings 6 of them live out of town or out of state. I clean house for my mother,do laundry, buy her groceries, change her bedding, take her to the Dr's, bring her food every day in other words I feel like I am living 2 lives mine and hers. I also babysit for my 17 month old grandchild and in another month I will have another infant to babysit for also. Last month I wanted to go out of town for a 4 day weekend (My deceased sons birthday) so I asked my sisters: who would like to spend time with mom , I will clean etc, I just want someone to make sure she has food and has not fallen down. I had one sister who stepped up and said she would do it. After I got home, she later told me that she would not be able to do it anymore because her ill husband needs her home too. I just feel so alone in this, my mom was paying me 250.00 a month. (I retired from my job a year ago to take care of her and the baby). I just feel like I no longer have a life. I used to golf a lot and now that is no longer something I have time to do. My mother is very good to me and she always tells my brothers and sisters that she would not know what she would do if not for me. The little bit of savings she has, she wants to split up evenly when she passes. I have a sister and a brother who borrowed thousands and never repaid her. When she made up her will I was left out by mistake and this still has not been corrected. I am on her checking and savings accounts. But I just resent the fact that I am doing 95% of her care with no one to help and she wants us all to have equal shares of her savings. Just does not sound fair to me when they do nothing for her. Even when they visit they just visit and I end up cleaning up after them. Sorry I just had to vent!!!!

Thanks soverytired. There are some kind, knowledgable experts on this site and then some others.....I've benefited from the good ones but the best advice I've received have come from the caregiving community on this site. We are the real experts. I was just trying to TRULY guide the poster that you have to do what works for you. It goes WAY beyond asking your siblings to help in an email. If they don't want to help, either physically or at the minumum, provide moral support (which in my case, my siblings do not provide either), why should we be the one reporting to them? These siblings ARE NOT going to help unless they want to. And they might. Many times, I believe, it comes down to money. My parents don't have any so the other two walked away. Some siblings aren't even capable of feeling guilt. You really can only be responsible for your own soul.

xoxo
-SS

Hmmm I see if we post anything that might sound the least bit negative about the expert opinion, it gets booted. That's really not right. While the expert opinion might help someone who has a different situtation or who is just starting their research, I think if there is a caregiver who has followed the expert advice and remains frustrated - well, those feelings of frustration are valid too. We have enough invalidation, I don't think we need genuine feelings yanked...and maybe it will help someone else who has tried it and it hasn't worked to know they aren't alone.

It has been my observation that every family has "The Responsible One" (TRO), the one sibling who carries the real burden of making sure a parent is well cared-for. In my family, it's me. My brother tries and lives nearby, but he has problems of his own. My sister lives in Canada.

The bright side: a month after my mom's death, I know I did everything in my power to make her last years safe, clean, and happy. I'm exhausted and have lost my "second career" as caregiver (although she was in an assisted living facility), so in a way I'm wandering. But I know -- I absolutely know -- I did the most important job of my life better than anyone else could have.

kdutchess11, I am in your shoes. Someone keeps removing my posts and I'm just trying to help you. Only those that have gone through or are going through what you are going through can understand. That's why we are all here. You're not alone. Just keep doing what you're doing, and what you feel is right in your heart. You can't worry about the useless siblings, they are responsible for their own souls. You have enough to worry about.

I have taken care of mom now for 1 yr. I am POA of Healthcare and sister is POA of Finances. I receive a small amt. each month for her living expenses, mom is now requiring more care and I need some respite badly, trying to get sister to understand it costs, she wants it to come out of the small amt. I get for her living expenses, they dont want to compensate me or say they are, they have mom believing she does not have the money, she forgets, I have tried to discuss this with my sister and she avoids me, always has an excuse and never follows through. I feel like they dont care and am ready to talk with an attorney to get a contract written up, and find out what rights I have as POA of Healthcare. I am at the end of my rope in dealing with them and am so angry, I feel used and abused myself. Their true colors came about after my dad passed on 2 yrs. ago and I have been angry since, so I guess I need to take this to an attorney. Appreciate any suggestions, I am thankful for this sight, there are so many others in my situation and it is good to know I am not alone......., thanks

I have a similar situation to sherilynn. My brother is POA of finances and I'm health care proxy for my mother. I am having a hard time making ends meet but my brother stands firm on his beliefs that I should be able to take 24/7 care here and live on not enough money. He comes by once a month and gives me weekly checks for our groceries and supplies. I am attached to my mom as we have always been close. If she were someone I was not emotionally bonded to, I would never put up with this treatment. I would find another "job" immediately. I don't think any of us realizes what we are geting into, the years we have to spend as caregivers. In order to make ends meet, I have rented a room , and now my brother is going to deduct the extra expenses from the amount he gives me for groceries. He goes up against me in a cruel and uncaring manner, and it makes me cry in despair. I'm driven to tears now and have to stop writing. Please get good legal advice as early as possible to protect yourself. Learn from my mistake.

This was a perfect time for me. I have the same issue. Its so hard not to feel angry towards family who do not help. There is only the two of us. I have been caring for Mom in her home for 4 years. My twin sister and I were adopted by parents who were in their forties and we were 3. I feel that Mom deserves to stay in her home as long as I can help her. Dad passed 11 years ago and she has been alone. She has Alzheimer, and it can be difficult at times. But we all have to answer for our-self. They will live in misery and guilt in the end. But we all are different. I am very Thankful I can do what I do but the grace of God.

Been there done that. My mother was a really great mother when I was little. Now I do a lot for my mother even if I am disabled and my husband has dementia as well, plus I have a job. When I want sis to help me she won't because it wasn't her idea in the first place. When she wants me to do something, she doesn't ask me she demands it. I have written her off as well. I just don't need the aggravation. She won't invite me to her house for any holiday. We live about a mile apart. So I completely understand the other stories.

OMG. yes, the worry, obligation and overwhelming responsibility is 24/7. I had this very same conversation with her because it's so very very hot here unbearable and I do not feel like I'm free to leave. Everything I do I'm thinking what about her in the background. I mean it's everything, and the reason is like you, no matter what happens, it falls on me. the last thing was when she went to dr. (which i paid someone to take her this time), and he prescribed medicine for bladder infection, well of course computers were down so here we are on a weekend. I left a graduation party, and sat in a clinic just begging them to send a prescription into the pharmacy because I didn't want to end up in Emergency room on sunday --

Sosad2, I could be you! You sound just like me! How do you tell an elderly, sick person to go to the hospital alone? Of course, you can't, you go with them. I take her food because if I don't she will eat garbage or fall trying to get something herself. (and in either case, I will be the one at ER dealing with the resulting sickness/accident). And while she doesn't live with me - the worry, obligation, feeling of responsibility hangs with me 24/7. You want to go out of town - who will be available? You need to have surgery yourself, gotta make sure she is set up to be without you on call for a week. It just becomes a part of all your priorities. Thank you for validating me!

OMG Soverytired,,,,, are you in my life?? haha -- it sounds so very familiar. The siblings think we have a choice???? really? then I wonder who would take my mother to the hospital, who would take food to her, who would sit with her when no one else would, who is there to see if she has medicine. really? I could go on and on and on. Not to mention the emotional toll it takes on someone. And this can go on and on, . and you are so right -- she sounds good on the phone. Yesterday, the sibling said she's doing things right? hmm, no. And another thing i've learned is when I have asked for help and 90% of the time people say they would and then it doesn't happen. I think there are well meaning folks, but it is so much that rarely does it ever happen. Talk is just that,,, talk

Isn't that annoying? I mean I know they intend it to be "nice". But it always seems to come at a time when care is very intensive and I'm running very ragged and there is no way/no time to "take care of myself" so it comes off kind of demeaning to me. It's like they are thinking there is a choice and I'm choosing to make it hard on myself. But from my perspective there is no choice. But then they're choosing not to participate so maybe they think there is a choice. Wow, they really see the world entirely differently. I'm following this thread closely as it's a theme in my life right now and I'm afraid it's ruining relationships that were once good but now the perspectives are so far apart on such a big issue that I am having difficulty with it. I've tried the specific tasks approach and it doesn't work at all. They say ok to making phone calls, doing internet research, making meal plans...then they just don't do it. They do want to be kept up to date but they don't believe me anyway. My mom's cognitive abilities are much much better than her physical abilities so she's sounds fine on the phone and they literally haven't seen her in months. They just aren't here so they just can't get it. I think the frustrating part is that I want somebody to get it, I want somebody to get me. My husband kind of gets the needs part but he doesn't get why I do some of the things I do because it's not his mother. So that's what's hard - the only other people that I feel should get it, don't. It's so non-validating.

What??? I have never heard of such thing. How can you force someone to help someone. I would like to see research on this because its shocking to me and soooooo interesting.

Hello
Please contact the Department of aging in your state They can and will give you a list of resources.They can even force the siblings to help by summoning them by court order! This is not so much for your benefit as that of your parents so do it today!

That's another one, -- they say take care or yourself. What does that mean? Yes, take care of yourself when you have time, right? for example, tonight is getting ready for a procedure tomorrow a.m., and then what? It is never ending worry, isn't it?

I would suggest that you reach out to them and let them know what is going on. There is no need to be accusationaly, and perhaps no need to let them know that you are hurt. First you can let them know that you need their support and if there is a specific way that they might be able to help you could request it. If there isn't a specific way that they can help you could tell them that it would help you a lot if they would just call and check in from time to time. For those of us who are naturally compassionate and step up to the plate when they are needed it seems like a given that they should call or offer a helping hand, but remember that you've got to let people know what you want or need from them before you can expect it fairly.

I understand wholeheartedly where you are coming from. I thought that when my mom was placed in a nursing facility, things would get better, but they didn't. I went from visiting her three or four days a week to having to visit every day (twice) just to make sure she isn't sitting in urine or worse, having to sleep on soiled sheets, missing a bath; etc. Even putting a parent in a facility doesnt make things better necessarily; I think it is possible that some people believe this fallacy because they are paying for the care. Even though I intereact with the director of nursing, administrators and other leaders in my mom's facility, the situation improves incrementally only to fall through the cracks again eventually. We had a hard time finding a facility that would take her in initially because of symptoms of her illness; (hostility, anger, rage ) on top of her physical disabilities. I am grateful for the good that mom's nursing home gives, but I sure wish they could clean up their act overall.
I considered bringing mom back to her home and trying to find caregivers to provide for her, but she has issues with strangers being in her home. My siblings visit her every now and then with the exception of one. He is ill himself, financially challenged and simply cannot look after mother. The others who could do more don't and they don't feel remorse or guilty at all over it. I think you are wonderful to stick by your parent. Maybe one day better assistance for caregivers will come about, but probably not without a unified approach. People often say take care of yourself. I am doing that as much as possible but there is only so much a person can do.It's difficult to understand how siblings can differ in responding to taking care of an ill parent, but it is a fact of life unfortunately.

sosad2, oh you are so right! What a line of bull huh? My husband also helps me just so I can take a shower in peace sometimes but he also works fulltime. No one understands how we put our life on hold, out of love. Even when I finally found a goood caregiver so I could go back to work, I was getting texts all day back and forth and calling doctors and pharmaies, etc while at work, it never ends. I even have to order al my supplies like diapers, powders, wipes, clothes, etc, online due to not being able to get out. Oh ya they are there for them, oooookay :( (what a joke)

Yes, and my sister in law had the nerve to call me and say they are there for me, hmm, really? believe me, it was just for their own conscious so they can move on. I have not seen one other person take time off from their job to do what I do, with the exception of my husband who has seen what is going on. He has helped

I hope the siblings end up alone. What are they teaching their own family by not helping after all! They blame us for everything, therefore they feel no guilt.
Most parents do want their inheritence equal, but, once they need caregiving a caregivers contract is needed. Either you get paid, or, they help, if there is any money at all. I did 10 years of part time of course for no pay, never even thought of it, but when you live with them and they need 24/7, its a whole different ballgame. Are you POA and is your Mom competent? You need a lawyer and now. You can get your first visit free, do it please. Let him write your siblings if you dont want to, for a schedule and if they do not agree, a sibling letter and a caregiver contract will cost your Mom and you a few thousand. You do not pay, she does. Be proud of what you are doing, and dont think your siblings care, they do not. Oh they are fake as can be, I cringe when they see her a few times a year and tell her they love her, ya right! If you love her, help her and if you loved me, you'ld help me. I say, you are better off without them, just make Mom your fulltime job if thats what she wants. I have a fulltime job and a caregiver contract, was worth every lawyer visit I went to. And, it still didnt change the siblings non-help. Hang in there!