How do you deal with your feelings of resentment when your siblings don’t help?

" True colors come out when someone needs to step up to the plate. My heart is huge, I do the best for my Mom and that I can live with, them, I cannot. My advice, write them off,thats what they deserve. I used to give updates on her conditionandthen realized how easy for them, if they want update, come and see her."


OMG so well said - totally agree

I have 5 sisters who all agreed to help my dad after my mom died. The funniest thing is a year and half passed and I am still waiting. Not to mention, I had a close relationship with all of them, but not no more. I am completely wrecked over this!!! I do everything for my dad. It starts with helping him make phone calls to doctors, filling out medical applications, reminding him of appointments, car repairs, every month paying half the bills he can't, food... etc I could go on and on. Plus, I take care of my mom's mom. I am not looking for a medal, but come on I do everything and even the simplest things they can't help their own dad. I started giving up the battle of not caring about my sisters and focused on the true blessings in life. My dad and I are closer and God gives the strength everyday

A few seconds before my mom passed away, my sister told my mom "Dont worry mom, I promise to take care of dad!" She took her last breath and passed on. This bothers me so bad, because she lied to my mom. My sweet mom, that I loved with all my heart. It has been 1 1/2 years and she still hasn't did anything to help. So her words stick in my heart and I can't stand her and my other sisters. They don't do a dam thing to help. It doesn't even have to be a money thing, if they wanted to help him there are other needs. I once was the favorite sister of all of them, but I have grown cold to all of them.

I came on here..looking for answers..looking for guidance.. because I feel alone, lost, helpless.. I feel powerless. I left my mother's home yesterday hearing from her mouth how sad and depressed she feels. She retired a few months ago, and now, it's routine wakeup cook, TV, sleep in bed..
She told me she feels like ages just waiting to go. I'm trying to understand how I can help her.. the home I grew up in us overturned with toys clothing and all of my sisters items. She is 36 years old, with 2 children. She doesn't clean, she doesn't cook, she doesn't do laundry..she doesn't pay rent, electric, she contributes food stamps on occasion. ..but she does nothing. The house is a wreck. My mom doesn't have a room for her peave of mind. It's just clutter. My sister refuses to accept responsibility.. refuses to help. What's worse is that I can't talk to her. She has this volatile personality..she blows up with anger..and then ignores me with silent treatment. I wish she could understand that my mom can't live like this. Depression is setting in. She's giving up...on life. And I am in shambles feeling helpless. She now has her boyfriend come over...laying down.. a grown as man ... in my mom's living room..which is a converted toy clothing area...thanks to my sister. I feel I can't talk to her without her fighting..I just want my sister to help clean... to make a more comfortable environment for our mom, as well as her children... but after reading so many responses.. it may be pointless to even try explaining to her that our moms health and happiness areally in jeopardy.

It's kind of unbelievable how grown adults still hold grudges from childhood, against their sick aging parents. What can an older sick parent can do! All they r asking for is help from all their kids, rather it be phone calls, cards, emails, money etc etc. The sibling (s) who is doing the most work should always take care of themselves first: if you don't take care of you, nobody else will, therefore your parents will not be taken care of. I always take 3-4 hours at least 4 days a week for myself even if I have to pay someone to sit with my family member. I take walks, go to beach, eat, shut the door and take a good nap, or what ever I want to do, but i do something for me. As far as family, I see many siblings aren't stepping up to the plate for whatever their reasons are so you need to seek help help somewhere else, and try to find options on trying to convert everything your parents own in your name since they're not doing a darn thing, even if you need to report them to the family lawyer or SS.
Take care of yourself and Pray for them (even if you don't want to, lol but real).

Dear kdutchess,

Thank you for your post. I too have a lot of resentment against by sibling for not helping more during my mom and dad's life. I know everyone is different. It seems to be a very common story that one sibling ends up doing most of the work.

For myself, I don't think I was very good at ever letting go of the resentment and anger. Even now after my dad has passed, I still have anger about how little time my sibling gave my dying father.

I wished I had done things differently. I should have gone for counseling, joined a support group, asked for more family meetings. Had a more honest discussion with the siblings. In the end, I should have let go of my expectations. I had to make a personal choice. If I wanted to help my dad, I had to realize I could not expect the same from my siblings and make peace with this decision.

In hindsight, I let the resentment and anger choke me. And this also affected my judgement and compassion for my father. It was a horrible mistake. It has made the grief journey even more unbearable.

My sisters spread lies and tell everyone I will not ask. The tell everyone we will not let them come to the house or let them see my mom When we do ask they make up excuses or one sister indicates she will help but only if she does not have to give mom her meds because she does not believe she needs the medicine. I posted alzheimer organization tips for siblings who are care givers and she got mad and thought I was trying to tell everyone they will not help..what i was trying to do was help them and the world understand what it is like and how you feel all alone the post is below
Tips for Siblings that are Primary Caregivers of Alzheimers
Siblings in the role of primary caregiver face specific issues because they are often the one carrying the bulk of the care load. Other family members often have unrealistic expectations and no sense of the overwhelming responsibility that 24/7 care for a person with Alzheimer’s requires. Most difficult can be siblings who offer much advice, but little help. Here are some practical tips for primary caregivers:
1. You set/define what you can and will do. Do not allow the other siblings to define this for you. 2. Make a long list of needs. Find out what they might be willing to do to help. Try several times, but if they are not willing to help, move on. 3. Use communication logs. 4. Think about how your siblings perceive your communication. 5. Work with their strengths. 6. Consider appropriate reimbursement for services. Have a Personal Care Contract.
WHEN YOU ARE ALL ALONE
I got told I am a horrible person who doesnt deserve any help because I m trying to make everyone think they are bad people What is wrong with them

You kind of put your finger on it there, Punkie. That bit about how you are accused of "trying to make" everyone else feel bad - because you're doing the right thing and they seem to have left the planet.

They feel bad. They blame you, because you're living proof that turning your back on your parents is not acceptable or normal. If only you couldn't be bothered with your mother either they'd feel so much better! And God forbid you would suggest how they could learn something, take a look at themselves and make a better job of supporting their mother without necessarily having to work too hard. No wonder they're pissed off at you :)

What's wrong with them? They want it to be okay for them not to have to get involved, they want to be excused. You're telling them different. That's what's wrong. You are correct in believing that this is their problem and not yours.

I so agree with your response Countrymouse! When you are doing the right thing you are a window for others to see that they are not. I heard a lot of "oh, you have always been Mom's buddy so..............and you live so close to her, so..............and you don't have kids so it only makes sense, so.............. So What? Last time I checked she was still your Mother too, the Mother you profess to love so much...........so?

I will never see my siblings in the same light again. Their image which was never that good, to begin with, has been permanently altered in my mind. No, I am not a saint, by any means but at least I stepped up to the plate. And I would have done it even if I did not live close, had kids and wasn't my Mom's buddy.

Resentment is a form of hate which I work hard at not having in my heart. I email family in a group folder I made just for mom's updates. They all have a do not delete email which outlines Mom's day to day, her meds, her likes, and dislikes, all her doctors, her meal plans, her tv shows, etc. My take on their lack of... is that life is not promised to me so should something happen to me I would want the transition to be as smooth as possible. My lawyer /will instructions that should a family member take her, they get the proceeds. Should mom be put into a nursing home, a monthly allotment is given to her for specials.. phone bill, cable, toiletries, etc.

I was resentful of one sister in particular for a while as she was nearby and able (I thought) but wouldn't do a thing to help. I hadn't been around her in a lot of years until I went to my elderly father's to care for him. She lived 2 houses down and had some free time. As time went on I came to realize she is a Narcissist and somewhat mentally ill in my opinion. She would leave nasty messages and notes and verbally attack us both at times - tantrums basically. The few times she was left alone with my father she actually did him damage. I came to see her as dangerous. My resentment changed to fear and some pity. In the end I was glad to have her stay away and even considered an order of protection. Since he died, I have no contact with her by my choice. Maybe someday.

I too and a caregiver! I have 2 brothers and a sister. When I ask for help they fight with me. My Mom takes their side like its my job and I have an 11 yr old an d their kids are grown.My Mom will let them cuz me.Thats my biggest problem??If I could only understand why she does this?? I think I could ignore them if I could understand...I do everything...baths,all Drs appts everything....Why can't she respect me for what I do...maybe ask more of them.i have so much anger .....help

I feel for you Suzthe1. Everything is on you and you are stuck because you do care and the others don't. It will never make sense to you because it really doesn't make sense. No matter what you do it will not change, in my opinion. Your mother is part of the problem too. That wasn't the case with me. In your case, no one has your back.

I would try to extricate myself from this situation. None of them deserve your life and that is what you are giving up. Your 11 year old is your most important person. That is where your attention should be. Don't fall for the others sucking the life out of you. They are capable. They have made their choices. It is not your problem. You are being used. I wouldn't say this in a lot of situations, but it does seem to be that way in yours.

I'm with you girl. You be strong and do what you need to do for you and your child.

Reading all these posts let's me know I'm not alone. Thanks for sharing. My mom went into the NH 6 months ago and I have inherited the caretaker role. My dad passed away almost 3 years ago and it got kind of ugly. My mom and sibling really ganged up on me about the estate. My dad had no will and he was my sibling's stepfather. It was just like when I was kid because my mom always took my brothers side he was obviously her favorite. Before my dad died my brother visited often and when she spent several weeks in the hospital with pneumonia he would go everyday to visit. After the funeral his visits with our mother slowly dwindled to few and far between. His reason was the living conditions of her home which were horrible. I cleaned a few times after my dad died, but she wouldn't maintain it. But still My brother could do no wrong. When she had the second UTI and sepsis within 9 months my brother and I along with her doctor thought the NH would be the best place for her. She wouldn't manage her diabetes or take any if her medications regularly. Her living conditions were like watching an episode of Extreme Hoarders. He told our mother something different, though. While he is still the pet I still catch all the grief and do all the work. He only visits her in the NH when he feels like it. This is really hard because I do all the work, yet catch the greif. I have a family and a job, too, but he is always busy. My child is still at home while his have all moved out. Plus I have been contending with the cleanup of the hoard as well. Glad to know I'm not alone. It's difficult not to be resentful.