How do you deal with your feelings of resentment when your siblings don’t help?

I agree, there is no other place to go except to people like you who know. Your input has helped alot, I dont feel so alone and it makes it easier to continue, knowing there is support and a place to go to talk and vent. We are all togeather in this.

It truly is sad that so many of us are in the same situation. I know that when my dad passes, I will find comfort in knowing that I did all I could to keep him in his own home and as comfortable as possible in his last years, months, weeks, days. They, however, will have to live with themselves, feeling bad that they didn't take the time when they had the chance. That's if they even feel grief. Sometimes I think they are so self absorbed that they may not even grieve when their own father dies. I've written many letters to them that will be sent after my dad passes to hopefully explain to them why they will no longer be a part of my life. I wouldn't choose friends that act like them, just because they are "family" doesn't make it any different for me. I only try to keep the peace now for my dad's sake. How I love when they tell me how tired I look and I really should get some rest. Yea, maybe when pigs fly is what I want to say. It would be so much nicer if they took just a little responsibility for their parents and could take just a little time out of their "busy" lives. But I try not to digress because I know I'm wasting energy on something that isn't going to change.

You said it perfectly, you are so right. I am trying to be cordial untill moms time comes, and let them know how she is now if they ask which isn't very often, but I will not be a part of their lives after, as I have seen their true colors through this and I dont want to have anything to do with people like that even if they are related, they do not care, are selfish and self centered, and are not supportive as family should be, who needs people like that in their lives, I am better than that and feel good I can give my mom the best care possible for the rest of her life, and she is thankful to be with me. When this is over for us, I will let them know how I feel and the truth will be said. I cannot change them and their selfish, greedy ways so I will not waste my time on them trying to get them to understand, they dont really care to hear it.
I thank the Lord for all of you, we are caring people who care about each others feelings, we understand, that is why we are great caregivers. I am thankful I don't have to be like them, I only pray for them.

I had called my brother when my mom had her knee replacement surgery. He had totally forgotten she was even having major surgery. I know longer keep him informed of anything.
The one thing I find hard is to continue to care for mom when she is accusing my husband of stealing a silver coin. Last night she needed to get some papers out of her lockbox (where the coin used to be) and she had hidden the key in her jacket hanging in the closet. She told me hides the key now but it was too late because HE already had stolen her coin. I told her not to even go there and she I know you don't want to talk about it. I had told my sister the first time about the accusation and she said mom had given her a bag of coins the last time she was here. She scanned in the silver coin in question. I show mom the picture and she said where is it. I said it was in Florida with her daughter because she gave it to her. She never said anything I didn't see her the rest of the night. How do you deal with that kind of stuff? She hasn't talk to my husband in 2 weeks after I told her the tension was killing my health. She said she understood and was sorry I was in the middle and preceeded to not talk to him todate. One more week and she will be moving to assisted living but at this point I wished it was today. Like I have said in previous posts she was not the best mother and of course I get the blunt of it and she gives the other siblings stuff of hers but nothing for me. Its very hard because I wanted her living her to work but she couldn't stop how she feels about my husband. She hasn't talked to her sister in about 8 years because she accused her of stealing a child's wooden chair. She is very hateful. I was feeling guilty of moving her but the thought of her staying and the tension its causes me is not worth it. I hope you don't think of me as a terrible daughter. I have told her I won't abandon her I will always make sure she has what she needs and make sure she is alright but it is hard when you know how she feels about me and my husband. She has never really trust me either. I hate that I am doing her financial affairs because I never know when she will accuse me of something.

Kuli - I think you and I are the same person!!! EXACT same story. Same feelings. I do it because this is what it is. They take NO responsibility for anything. What makes it hard for me and when my Mom goes on and on about how hard the other two have it. LORD!!! They go on crusies, get their hair done, nails done. One doesn't even work!! One of my siblings makes more in child support than I make working 40 hours a week for a month! Give me a break. The other sibling is just lazy with their time and his emoations. It's easier for them to stay away and they do. But like you, I'm learning to not digress and save my energy for my family and my parents. It's exhausting.

kdutchess11 - has this helped you at all -- at least to know ur not alone? I hope so.
Luv to all - have a good day.

-SS

I am always trying, I feel the exact same about my sister and brother, they only come around for Christmas and call on holidays or to brag about a trip. Well my mom has been in a long term hospital for about a month now and they are sending her to the nursing facility on the 11th. I have been now dealing with all kinds of calls about this and that and alot of crying and her trying to give me feelings of guilt.

I have no guilt, it breaks my heart that she is so upset, but the way I look at it is I can still take her out of there on holidays and maybe even go to the zoo, just so she can be with all the grand kids.

I do have resentment for my bro and sis, that I will be the person seeing her the most but they have to live with themselves , I know I can only do what one person can.

To answer the question about why the sibs don't help: Here is my version, First of all, I myself am old, I am disabled, my husband has dementia and I have to take care of him, I am still working to keep food on the table, Mom is cranky and snappy, I have to take care of myself. I have to pay my own health insurance and I have a large deductible that goes with it. I cannot get more sick. My sibs are weatlhy and younger than me. I would be much more cooperative with their wants if they would ask me to do things instead of demand. If would be much more cooperative if when the holidays come around like Thanksgiving and Christmas that they would invite me to their house or they would come to my house, but no they invite half the town but not me and husband. I would be much more cooperative if when I am in the hospital they would send a get well card. I would be much more cooperative if when the business where I work has an open house that they would come and visit, but no. I do what I can for my Mother but I sure don't need the stress that comes with it. So there's your answer why the sibs don't help much.

I can relate to the previous posts, because I feel now, when the times does come for my mom to pass, I don't even know if I'm going to let my siblings know right away. I know they are not in the area, but the responsibility is just overwhelming, and really as much as they are involved, what difference does it make. This is so very sad on so many parts because we used to be a close family, and I will be looked at as the villain. This is just a no win situation for sure.

I am going this insanity myself my husband hard working man...working full time job had always taken the time to make sure his mother and grandmother were looked after properly for 32 yrs that is when I met him. SO we meet and heads roll and they expect Mr. Dependable wants to have a life he gets screwed over. We have been together for nearly 12 yrs and on the day I give birth to our first child the bitterness starts and when the day of the funeral his mom is buried he gets disowned by his siblings. He was not being selfish he had not help...they never took the time to look after them so he could get a decent break and maybe do something he wanted to do while he was a young man. I ripped them a new one while still pregnant with my son and noting that my husband health was start to slowly going down hill. Now I am taking care of him and they want to hold grudge against me and not being strong enough to get over the past. Somtimes you have to accept that there are others that are selfish and only look to what they will get after the loved one is gone. Caregivers are parents, brothers n sisters etc etc that will be abused or ignored; our pleas go unheard but we can thankful that we have compassion and can tell those who give the least bit concern to take a flying f on the flying train of total anal BS, I love my husband and I am looking after him now with some assistance and raising two children. I have very few friends that cheer me on and family communication with his and mine are somewhat strain because no one has the ability to forgive and look over the fact that we have indeed become selfish uncaring community. Yes we do get burned looking after our loved ones but we only have to hold ourselves accountable and their time will come on God's call not ours so just keep praying for them and in most cases learn to say NO and protect the one ur looking after if they have no desire then all they will do is bring stress on to you unless the person wants to see them. Resentment builds anger which leads to unhappieness so if they do not want to help turn the other cheek do unto them as they have done unto you. You can't teach them they have to learn on their own and their own time.

I have to say what I really find amazing is that when dad is in the hospital, somehow they find time to see him. Even dad asked last time he was in why does my brother only come around when he's in the hospital? How do you answer a question like that? That it's all just for show? Sure seems like that's why they can all the sudden find the time to visit, to act like they care. Oh yeah, other people might judge whether or not they care about dad. REALLY? It seems to matter more what other people might think about them than whether they really care about dad. Go figure.

Sosad2 - I am sorry for your situation. I'm actually on the other side of your coin. My younger sister is in control of everything, and she doesn't include us on any decisions with our mother. Mom is in an assisted living facility with beginning dementia. My other sister and I are afraid when the time for Mom to die does happen, that our younger sister won't tell us. We LOVE our mother, we have a right to know what is happening with her. Our Mom has dementia, and she doesn't tell us ALL the same things, and our younger sister tells us very little and it's all AFTER the fact.

All children have a right to know when a parent passes, and they can make their own decisions to acknowledge it, say goodbye etc. If someone took away your right to say goodbye to your mother before she passes, how would you feel?

NoVoice, Do you live too far not to go and visit her? If that is the case maybe you could talk to the manager at the assisted living facility and ask them that if your mom turns for the worst to please call you. Just food for thought.

I live am local to her, and I do visit Mom and call Mom.

My elder sister and I are not on the legal documents that the facility has. Just the younger sister. Yes, I live here, and yes the staff at the facility know me too. Just saw an article in their newsletter that due to HIPAA they cannnot talk with anyone about a resident unless they are the legal responsible party or have permission from the resident/responsible party. Our younger sister should include us on everything dealing with Mom but choses not to. My other sister lives across the country and only has phone contact unless she visits here.

Dear NoVoice, I too am dealing with frustrations from my siblings/relatives as well. The Laws at Nursing Homes are very very strict as you know.

When my mom was in the CICU at the hosp. everyone kept calling up for status checks, the poor nurses and doctors must have repeated the same thing 20 times every couple of hours.

Because of that reason they had me and my husband be the Voice for the family.

Now , Nursing Homes are the same way they cannot reapeat the same thing 20times. they have one person be in charge for the whole family.

My cousins were upset (to say it nicely) because at the CICU only immediate family members were allowed to visit, and they tried saying my hubby is not an immediate family member (even though we live with her and he pays the bills).

No Voice don't get frustrated at the Home, just explain things to your sister how you want to be involved more. But that is the price you pay when you choose your career over your familyand that is that of this consequence (sis not informing You).

I always tell my family whats going on (especally when its important). When it pertains to her health, staff, whatever i try to always include them with the decisions even though I HAVE THE FINAL SAY.

I hope you can mend things with your family and just keep reminding her she is your mother too.

But my older sister and brother have no bearing on any decisions I make according to the home because I was the one that took care of her for the last 10+ years.

No Voice: can you talk to an elder law attorney and get on the docs? I don't think your sister can do that to you unless there have been legal problems.
Good luck:)

No Voice -- thanks for your side of the coin. What happens is the caregiver is so busy taking care of things that happen (all of them unpredictable), that it is a juggling act. All this while the other folks are living their busy lives. The caregiver is basically living two lives concurrently, so forwarding information becomes one more responsibility. I had wanted to relay information the other day, but no one was answering their cell phones so that made me feel very lonely in that waiting room once more -- a very lonely, depressing, sad spot and no one knows how long it will go on. so while everyone is living their life, I'm making sure someone's needs are being met first, and then my family's second, and then mine last. yes, i do need to get over this and i do care for my mom and family.

I used to have the problem of telling siblings what happened or is happening and they WAY overreacted. Caused me more work, made me feel like telling them I am not stupid. Once I said Mom needed clothes as a suggestion for a Christmas gift. I got an email saying that there is money budgeted for Mom's clothes and how many outfits she should have, etc. Man oh man, it was just a freakin' suggestion. I guess you REALLY gotta do what we are doing or have done to actually get what it's like to be the sibling taking care of the parent.

I have lived with the fact that my older brother is definitely the flight type. Used to be very resentful about that. I went through 5 years of therapy and was very blessed by the person I had. I now am able to process things much better. The really sad part is seeing our mother pine for word from her favorite child (can process that much better now, too) who lives in Spain. Mom just celebrated her 90th birthday without a call, a card....NOTHING. I feel sorry for him because he will never know how beautiful family relationships can be.....

My mom heard my voice before she passed, my brother's voice before she passed, but not my sister's voice before she passed cause she "didn't want to see her like that". :P

Wow mizunderstood....I can relate to that. Not about my mom but with my husband's mom. After her second stroke, the family made the decision to remove her feeding tube and just have the staff administer comfort care. My husband said he didn't want to see her like that so I suggested he go in for one last visit with her and tell her it was all right to go and that the family would be okay before I would be present when the nurse removed the feeding tube. He did and when the nurse and I went in to her....she had already passed. To this day I don't regret suggesting he tell her that.

Ivy, you do such a good thing that day. I know neither of you will ever regret it.

My sis didn't even come to our town until after Mom passed. She came for the service. I was at the hospital almost 24/7 with Mom for a week. Doc told me to sleep at home but I just couldn't leave her.

I hear YOU miz...and that's the way people like us roll!

My mother is 83 in Scotland, has a bit of short term memory problems but otherwise physically ok for her age. There are no other relatives at all taking care of her, except for myself and a friend I have. I am the youngest of four, two are abroad and have been for years in the USA, one nearby. NONE of them have helped with my mum's care, by being there or financially even. It has strained to the point that I am only now in touch with my brother in the USA. Even he says that it is 'God's will', he believes that I am there as the only 'caregiver' because that's how it is meant to be. If he put as much energy into his mother's care as he does to his church issues....
The sister in USA refuses to help also. The sister, the eldest (20 years older than me) who lives nearby my mother also has refused to even visit for years - I asked her to return two years ago and it only ended in a horrible situation. She said that she couldn't continue because of me! She refused to assist long-term and wanted my mother placed in a carehome! and one near her so she didn't have to travel any distance!
I am male in my early 40s and have put my life on hold the last few years - it is as if my siblings don't CARE about their own mother, a thing I can't understand. I finally told them they have a MORAL duty to help. That's when the sisters went too far - they made malicious lies up about me and reported me to social services, that I was abusing our mother - I was cleared of all charges, but this is the length they went to to DENY themselves any responsibility. The strain is at times quite bad, I have no partner, and only a friend who can help sometimes. I have thought about a mediator - but I doubt anything will help with people who go to such extreme lengths to deny responsibility. The sister nearby even goes so far as to say she has a 'mental illness' and one (conveniently!) that she says is caused by her mother!

Gavanno, we can't even begin to get into the minds of how others think. I spent way too much time trying to understand my brother...then laid that to rest to get on with what had to be done. I have every reason not to want to take care of my mom...but I choose to love her instead! You will never ever regret doing what you are doing for your mom. Now if you could just get some therapy help for you to help settle it in your mind, you will be golden! Even though I am married and have two grown daughters....I, too, am handling all of this on my own...

I have been reading all of these comments with great interest. This topic has generated much discussion and the common theme of frustration and personal hurt as siblings argue and abandon and otherwise not assist in caring for parents is heartbreaking. Sharing your stories here on this site does help reduce some of the isolation and hopefully provide some support. Just knowing that our experiences are similar to those of other caregivers brings with it compassion and support. Are there any helpful hints or success stories that could be helpful to others either in getting siblings involved or in addressing the sense of frustration and hurt when the burden is not being share?

You have got to be kidding. Are you? There are thousands of 'hints' and stories on this thread and every other one in this site! There are people happy to be doing the unique job of caregiving, and there are people going off the deepend from the endless isolation and selfish family members who don't help. My brother called yesterday, prompted by our older sister-- who told me in April if this year, that her life and responsibilities are more important than mine, and that's why she simply cannot come for 3 days to stay with Mother while my husband and I get away. This woman has 2 homes, a timeshare, and travels without exception every year like clockwork. She talks down to me, wouldn't take her Mother to the bathroom while I was fixing them lunch one visit-- so I don't fix lunch for the bitch anymore. In fact, I kicked her ugly ass out of my house after her insulting comments in April, and she tells her kids what an unstable person I am and should be on "meds". I told her you can't be a person who NEEDS meds to do this crazy lifestyle.
You know what? I am sick to death of talking about this, and I want some justice. I don't want to wait until I die. I want my life to live and not go crazy from the frustration.

Christina to the rescue!!! I think that earns you pool time, whatever that is!!!

I'm about to collapse and have spent the past five weeks lining up caregivers, paying for private caregivers, cooking, cleaning, and acting as a servant to my elderly mother who has a life time history of bipolar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, ADHD, and is extremely emotionally abusive. She has told her neighbors I pushed her down, that I'm crazy, that I've stolen her medication, and on and on. I have a Master's degree and am a retired college professor. My husband has a Ph.D. in engineering and his own consulting practice - we are educated and stable people and have done everything possible to provide for her. We pay her cable bill each month, buy her everything she wants, give her money, and so on. My brother and his wife have done nothing even though they are financially able to chip in. They haven't seen her in six years and couldn't care less about her or the emotional and physical toll this is taking on me, my husband, and our marriage. My mother has decided she is going to fire the caregivers and manage on her own. She has refused to assign a POA or guardianship, so she is basically going to kill herself in her apt. or end up back in the hospital (she is drinking while taking high powered meds), so I am not going to rescue her again. I was told that if there is no one there at discharge from the hospital to accept her and provide for her care, then she will be discharged to the nursing home. Unfortunately, that is the only option I'm left with. My mother has "ordered" me to leave her alone saying she doesn't need my help. I have prayed and cried and pleaded with her to let me help her and she is now refusing, despite the fact she is on oxygen 24/7 and is paranoid, experiencing delusions that we are trying to kill her, and on it goes. Now all I can do is pray and hope that God will alleviate all the suffering for both me and herself. I feel like I am watching her kill herself and it breaks my heart - but I have no more tears to shed.

Lordy, Givingup....what a story. I'm so sorry for your tears and pain. I don't know what you CAN do except let things happen. Sounds like her bipolar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder are peaking. I think all you can do is be there if she asks for help. Tell her you can't take the abuse anymore (maybe why ur brother stays away ---and you just happen to be the strong one), and she should call you if she needs you. My brother and sister both stay away, so I know of the isolation and anxiety that comes with being the only one to try and make things better and the all the crap that comes with the day to day care. It's exhausting on so many levels. I get it.

Have you involved Social Services? They can help you take the steps to have deemed incompetent if you wanted to go that route. Just try to regroup, darlin'. We are here for you. You're going to be ok.

xoxo
-SS