helped for a couple months mother went to hospital for a short stay havn't heard from them since 6 months what do i say when they finally do call so they definitly know how they have hurt me
kdutchess11, I am in your shoes. Someone keeps removing my posts and I'm just trying to help you. Only those that have gone through or are going through what you are going through can understand. That's why we are all here. You're not alone. Just keep doing what you're doing, and what you feel is right in your heart. You can't worry about the useless siblings, they are responsible for their own souls. You have enough to worry about.
It has been my observation that every family has "The Responsible One" (TRO), the one sibling who carries the real burden of making sure a parent is well cared-for. In my family, it's me. My brother tries and lives nearby, but he has problems of his own. My sister lives in Canada.
The bright side: a month after my mom's death, I know I did everything in my power to make her last years safe, clean, and happy. I'm exhausted and have lost my "second career" as caregiver (although she was in an assisted living facility), so in a way I'm wandering. But I know -- I absolutely know -- I did the most important job of my life better than anyone else could have.
Hmmm I see if we post anything that might sound the least bit negative about the expert opinion, it gets booted. That's really not right. While the expert opinion might help someone who has a different situtation or who is just starting their research, I think if there is a caregiver who has followed the expert advice and remains frustrated - well, those feelings of frustration are valid too. We have enough invalidation, I don't think we need genuine feelings yanked...and maybe it will help someone else who has tried it and it hasn't worked to know they aren't alone.
Thanks soverytired. There are some kind, knowledgable experts on this site and then some others.....I've benefited from the good ones but the best advice I've received have come from the caregiving community on this site. We are the real experts. I was just trying to TRULY guide the poster that you have to do what works for you. It goes WAY beyond asking your siblings to help in an email. If they don't want to help, either physically or at the minumum, provide moral support (which in my case, my siblings do not provide either), why should we be the one reporting to them? These siblings ARE NOT going to help unless they want to. And they might. Many times, I believe, it comes down to money. My parents don't have any so the other two walked away. Some siblings aren't even capable of feeling guilt. You really can only be responsible for your own soul.
I am the main caregiver for my 85 year old mother also, I have 7 siblings 6 of them live out of town or out of state. I clean house for my mother,do laundry, buy her groceries, change her bedding, take her to the Dr's, bring her food every day in other words I feel like I am living 2 lives mine and hers. I also babysit for my 17 month old grandchild and in another month I will have another infant to babysit for also. Last month I wanted to go out of town for a 4 day weekend (My deceased sons birthday) so I asked my sisters: who would like to spend time with mom , I will clean etc, I just want someone to make sure she has food and has not fallen down. I had one sister who stepped up and said she would do it. After I got home, she later told me that she would not be able to do it anymore because her ill husband needs her home too. I just feel so alone in this, my mom was paying me 250.00 a month. (I retired from my job a year ago to take care of her and the baby). I just feel like I no longer have a life. I used to golf a lot and now that is no longer something I have time to do. My mother is very good to me and she always tells my brothers and sisters that she would not know what she would do if not for me. The little bit of savings she has, she wants to split up evenly when she passes. I have a sister and a brother who borrowed thousands and never repaid her. When she made up her will I was left out by mistake and this still has not been corrected. I am on her checking and savings accounts. But I just resent the fact that I am doing 95% of her care with no one to help and she wants us all to have equal shares of her savings. Just does not sound fair to me when they do nothing for her. Even when they visit they just visit and I end up cleaning up after them. Sorry I just had to vent!!!!
I don't know what was said before, but as a caregiver you have to do what works for you. Today, I feel that no one cares that I've been up since 5 a.m. sitting at the hospital with no one to call as they don't answer their cell phones (too busy), to all of those people,,,, thank you for the pain of handling it all.... Thank you for letting me stress about losing my job so i can send my son off to college... and thank you for asking what happens now. (that was a sacarstic thank you, btw)
oh, yes, I've heard that one before. I made up a little spreadsheet once that I will use if need be: hours missed from work = $'s, Gas money = $'s, time with family = $'s, my anguish = $'s. maybe i'm just tired, but I am so extremely hurt that I cannot even reach someone by phone.
juilesiri- u had me smiling when u said to email the siblings and give them a small tast to do etc . they will act like they never ck thier email , they will say oh i cant i have plans . or they say uhh i live too far away go hire someone eles . or they will tell you to go dive in the black hole ! mine would tell me if i cant handle dad i can put him in the nursing home . some would tell you well that is what you wanted to do so dont come crying to me about it . siblings will not and wont help . some siblings will and thank god for them ! my siblings leaves me alone . if they want to know how dad is they can get a hold of me otherwise they wont know cuz i wont tell them . best bet is to hire someone to care and help you but thenit cost money to do that . dad s doc says no to hospices or home care . so im stuck , do it all . thats ok i love my dad ad i get to cheerish the time we have now . i have a daughter that will kick me out ofthe house and tell me to go out and have fun . i thank god everyday for her . i feel for u all and i know siblings is rude in the lord s eyes . SHAME ON THEM !
Linda09, I had to look and see if I wrote this? "ditto!!!!" mine say the exact same thing!!!! ON the doctor, why is it his decision if your dad gets care? If your dad has money, he pays, if he doesnt, apply for medicaid or the VA if he was in the service. OH I loved this posting, its so my life!
Oh, I've heard that one many times -- today was can you hire someone to pick her up from the hospital. Now, wouldn't that seem heartless in a way? so many times I have asked for help only to be let down and believe me it hurts, doesn't it?
luvmom- dont we have wonderful docs NOT !! i tol dhim that dad needs some painpills , he said give him tylenol . phhttttttttt. he wanted to know why , i told him well his back hurts and old injury achin pains and all . he fought war ! u s o b ! give him tyelnol . i just wanted to smack him .
Well it is true my post was booted all I asked Julie Siri was what her expertise was in -is she a caregiver or reading from a textbook for social work students-I might need to post this on another thread.
luvmom . yes dad was in the war . bro and i didnt want to hassle with the veterns , long paper work and all , i am not sure how to start it but didnt want to mess with it .
I completely understand your feelings. At 30 with 3 kids I understand how hard caregiving can be, especially on your own. My sister and brother would throw in my face all their vacations and trips and here I am changing wounds and cleaning comode day after day.
The feelings of jealousy can be intense at times, I could not even leave the house for a whole day! Faith and prayer and knowing that I am better than them in a spiritly kind of way helps a lot.
Yes Linda they removed my post I did the unforgivable I question Juli Siri about her being an expert all I wanted to know why she considered herself an expert-it was just a question.
Most of the siblings don't give a damn about their mother/father or about us, the caregivers. We could send e-mails, we could send letters, we could send pigeons, we could text, we could send grenades, they would continue not to give a damn about us. And I say "give a damn" because I try to be a lady, otherwise I would use another expression, which I know very well, even if I am Italian. Every clever suggestion is purely theoretical. There are problems which don't have a solution and I don't have any more resentment, just resignation!
Rossellamex You are a real expert as well as most of the folks on the gross thread-I think I became an expert taking care of the husband all those years -we do not have to advertise that we are experts you can tell by reading our words
Being an expert doesn't necessarily mean you have experienced what all of us has with our absent siblings. I used to update mine by phone, by e-mail. I used to tell them when she had an appointment and ask them to come so they could ask their own questions they might have. I used to ask them to spend a couple hours with Mom so my husband and i could get out. I used to ask them if they could give me $$help since they had asked ME to leave my job to care for Mom. I used to get stressed out and sick thinking about why they don't help or stop by to visit Mom, or even call or e-mail for updates. Until one day when one sister told the other that she no longer calls or e-mails because she got tired of my constant complaining about Mom, $$, and anything else I was worried about. So now I no longer think about my siblings, or call them, or e-mail them. Now I don't have that stress added to all the others we all have more than our share of stress and we certainly don't need more from our siblings that are supposed to be there for us!!! Let the sibling stress go!!! There is no way you can change how they feel, no matter what the experts say!!! I have found it can be very lonely, coming from a big family.
I am the youngest of my siblings and had to handle everything.... And I do mean everything. I handled doctors, nurses, IVs , washing, wound care and comodes, plus handled a husband and 3 kids with 4 on the way. Tired just typing it all.
My sister and brother could'nt handle it , Not at all, Not the medication, demands, anything, I always felt that she was better with me. That is the way I look at it.
In a way we are all experts, I learned to give my mom her IVs, I had no choice to learn how to the wound on my mom's leg. I learned how to check blood pressure and her diabeties. We learn quick and fast when it's a dire situation. Just keeping it up every day.....
WOW! We are all on the same ship! Because a boats to small for ALL of us!!! I could tell you stories about my care giving experience's that would curl your hair. They would sound a lot like all of yours. The expert suggestions would be nice in a perfect world. All I can say is, We are caregivers hear us roar!!!!!!!!! We are a strong breed!!!! And as others have said we will be the ones without the guilt trips and major regrets. We are doing a good thing, yes often we feel like we are being punished but in the end it will be OK.
Yearight & Puck, Great input! And yes, we are all in this together. No one else understands the daily stress we are all under unless you are doing the same.It is so good to have all of together in one place to vent and share! Let's keep it up because it does help!!!
The bright side: a month after my mom's death, I know I did everything in my power to make her last years safe, clean, and happy. I'm exhausted and have lost my "second career" as caregiver (although she was in an assisted living facility), so in a way I'm wandering. But I know -- I absolutely know -- I did the most important job of my life better than anyone else could have.
xoxo
-SS
they will act like they never ck thier email , they will say oh i cant i have plans . or they say uhh i live too far away go hire someone eles . or they will tell you to go dive in the black hole ! mine would tell me if i cant handle dad i can put him in the nursing home . some would tell you well that is what you wanted to do so dont come crying to me about it . siblings will not and wont help . some siblings will and thank god for them !
my siblings leaves me alone . if they want to know how dad is they can get a hold of me otherwise they wont know cuz i wont tell them .
best bet is to hire someone to care and help you but thenit cost money to do that . dad s doc says no to hospices or home care . so im stuck , do it all . thats ok i love my dad ad i get to cheerish the time we have now .
i have a daughter that will kick me out ofthe house and tell me to go out and have fun . i thank god everyday for her .
i feel for u all and i know siblings is rude in the lord s eyes . SHAME ON THEM !
ON the doctor, why is it his decision if your dad gets care? If your dad has money, he pays, if he doesnt, apply for medicaid or the VA if he was in the service.
OH I loved this posting, its so my life!
yes this AC is a wonderull place to be . :-) xoxo
The feelings of jealousy can be intense at times, I could not even leave the house for a whole day! Faith and prayer and knowing that I am better than them in a spiritly kind of way helps a lot.
Take it a day at a time.
Every clever suggestion is purely theoretical. There are problems which don't have a solution and I don't have any more resentment, just resignation!
I used to update mine by phone, by e-mail. I used to tell them when she had an appointment and ask them to come so they could ask their own questions they might have. I used to ask them to spend a couple hours with Mom so my husband and i could get out. I used to ask them if they could give me $$help since they had asked ME to leave my job to care for Mom. I used to get stressed out and sick thinking about why they don't help or stop by to visit Mom, or even call or e-mail for updates.
Until one day when one sister told the other that she no longer calls or e-mails because she got tired of my constant complaining about Mom, $$, and anything else I was worried about. So now I no longer think about my siblings, or call them, or e-mail them. Now I don't have that stress added to all the others
we all have more than our share of stress and we certainly don't need more from our siblings that are supposed to be there for us!!! Let the sibling stress go!!! There is no way you can change how they feel, no matter what the experts say!!! I have found it can be very lonely, coming from a big family.
Deefer is a great cook!
My sister and brother could'nt handle it , Not at all, Not the medication, demands, anything, I always felt that she was better with me. That is the way I look at it.
That was the hard part.
I could tell you stories about my care giving experience's that would curl your hair. They would sound a lot like all of yours. The expert suggestions would be nice in a perfect world.
All I can say is, We are caregivers hear us roar!!!!!!!!! We are a strong breed!!!!
And as others have said we will be the ones without the guilt trips and major regrets. We are doing a good thing, yes often we feel like we are being punished but in the end it will be OK.
Let's keep it up because it does help!!!