Follow
Share

My mother recently passed away and 4 of my siblings made arrangements with the local funeral home for cremation as I was unable to be present. When they had called me before the final decision was made on what expenses they where considering, I had indicated that there was an alternative cremation services that could have offerred a savings of $350 on the $2800 total bill. They indicated that that wasn't enough savings to make it "worth the effort" and I agreed that if they were all OK spending the extra money to go ahead and have every thing taken care of locally. Immediately after the memorial, my oldest sibling confronted me that I owed my other sister $470 and needed to write her a check immediately because she had put it on her credit card. I indicated that I would take care of it. The next day I asked my sisters for a copy of any receipt/invoice from the funeral home and I would make prompt payment of my portion. The response was that "it was too much to ask for at this time while everyone was still healing". I replied for them to take as much time as needed but to fulfill my obligations and responsiblities as the head of household for my family I needed transparency in our mother's end-of-live expenses. Now, all my siblings say I'm being unreasonable, that I'm hold my payment hostage, and to just pay up. Is it really that unreasonable especially when as head of household I have to be finanacially responsible to my spouse and children?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Please, ask your siblings for receipts. You are not being unreasonable; doing otherwise can lead to many forms of financial exploitation of the elderly or around elderly financial situations. As much as possible, communicate with each other clearly about ANY expenses related to an aging parent or their passing.

While it may help to say "I want to know exactly what my money is going towards so I am accountable for any financial mistakes," the real issue is that they need to be transparent about those matters and that a lack of transparency is itself a red flag.

Good luck!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

$470 means it was divided six ways. The so-advertised cheap cremations often do NOT include transporting the body, publishing an obituary, no urn just a Ziploc bag, no death certificates, and many other "extras" that a funeral director includes as part of their services. They get you in the door cheap and tack on, nickel and dime you until there is no real savings. I'm sorry you were not there, but I think you should pay up because it was done very economically if the bill was only $2800.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Money's funny stuff. Wife and I are sharing the expense of her mother with her brother's family. We cared for her in our home for 8 years, built addition, all freely given. Now it's time to share expenses she cannot afford any longer in an AL facility. Given our former freely given contributions I think we should be able to expect trust and more than 50/50 assist. I just give that as background. All money will pass through her checking account.

Rather than tell her brother what the amount is, we give him a spreadsheet showing expense and her SS income, and the split. We also volunteered her bank account passwords and CC password so he can see where all goes. It's what I'd want; he didn't ask for it but we felt it was the best way to put it all in the open, full transparency.

I guess I offer this because it seems this is what your would like. I think it's entirely reasonable. Some people are flip with money, some pay close attention to it. I think you're like I am and are entirely entitled to see the overall accounting; no one should resent that. Of course there may be some family history that complicates it. Of course the one other note might be that depending on family relationships, you may just choose to write the check and be done with it, as long as that doesn't generate long term repressed hard feelings on your part. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

It's not wrong of you to ask for invoices or receipts or whatever. And it shouldn't be that difficult for your siblings to provide these documents (although presumably your sister won't get her credit card statement for a couple of weeks).

It's just… a bit… eeeuw. Do you really not trust them to add up?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You are being a bit pompous. And a bit of a skinflint. At a time when your siblings are probably not in the mood for it. Take a risk, just send your sister the money.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Thank you all for your comments! I got lambasted and F-bombed by two of my sisters telling me I need to pay up. Both said they were NOT going to provide any copies of any invoices/receipts nor copies of any other of my mother's financial documents. So, my wife called the funeral home and they were more than cooperative in emailing me the invoice for my mother. The costs were only $2565 ($427.50/sibling). Another sister now calls my home and hangs up on my family if I don't answer. Now, they are calling our father and telling him that I need to pay up. He's absolutely livid with them and told them to give me a copy of the funeral invoice. I'll just go ahead and pay the $470 and let them know to leave me, my family, and our father alone! Maybe me and my family FOREVER? I don't think that's being "pompous" or a "skinflint".
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

So either they are diddling you out of $52.20, or, perhaps, there were incidental expenses paid for on your sister's credit card but not charged by the funeral home per se. Floral tributes? Refreshments for the mourners? You could ask for an itemised account but I really wouldn't recommend it.

I'm sorry that this has caused unpleasantness for your family. Bereavement does expose nerve endings rather, and people get upset very easily. I hope the dust settles soon. My sympathies for your loss.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

ReasonableBro, if you are willing to sever ties with your siblings over $52 of unexplained funeral expenses then, yes, you are pompous and a skinflint. Aren't you all mourning the loss of your mother? Aren't you all a little on edge and emotionally fragile? Apologize for taking so long to reimburse the sister who put your share on her credit card. Apologize for not trusting them to take care of things when you could not participate. Or write them all off if that would really make you feel better.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

My goodness. I think you are being petty, especially given that this was all of you guys' mother. They took care of everything and you are quibbling over a small bit of money?
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

ReasonableBro, good heavens, your Mother just passed away, and you want to break up the family over $52.20 which probably has to do with other out of pocket expenses not connected to the funeral home. Imagine if your Mom was looking down and seeing this happening all because she had passed away :(
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I don't even know what to say. I do know emotions are raw at a time like this...and so first of all, I am sorry at the passing of your Mom. I do not know what all the family dynamics are so I want to be careful about what I say...

I don't know if you have helped care for your Mom throughout her final days or years or if you were largely "away" for the most part and the siblings were the ones who had to do most of the caregiving.

For me, I have been the sole caregiver for my sweet Mama going on four years now, have born the entire expense of her care, had to sell my home at a loss, gave up my job and retirement, etc....and when my Mama passes I already know I am going to be the only one who will pay for the final expenses, even though I have a sibling. My sister in law has not been to this house in over three years to see my Mama even though she and Mama and I were close all of our years together...She does not work, has no children and yet complains about every single thing my brother even attempts to do for Mama or for me. I will say that if my SISTER IN LAW called the funeral home after the sad time when my Mama passes, I would be LIVID....and I have already begun preplanning and the funeral is going to be close to $10,000 NOT including floral, etc. so to be quibbling over this amount of money and for your wife to call the funeral home is honestly so offensive to me I really just don't know what to say.

I am sorry that you are going through this at such a time...To me the best tribute any of us can pay to our parents when t
hey leave us is to show a sense of familial peace and grace ...but sadly I have seen this type of thing happen all too many times...truly, it seems so sad to me to be demanding an itemized invoice and is it really worth breaking up the family over.

When I lost my Daddy, my ex sister in law created so much drama and it was ugly...I knew my brother was not the instigator but the fact he allowed her to do it was and always will be hard for me to get over...Ugly things that happen during such a painful and sad time leave deep deep wounds that often times will not heal...

Personally, unless your siblings have given you reason in the past to be untrustworthy I would pay your part and ask no more questions. And also personally, even if they had over such a small amount of money I would pay it and ask no more questions. And tell your wife to stay out of this.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Dear jeannegibbs/freqflyer/hope22, unfortunately there is some misunderstanding. The amount of the money is meaingless to my family nor am I wanting to cut ties with my siblings over $52 or for any amount. The principal of the matter is that I just asked for a copy of the invoice of the funeral expenses and they said "NO". Then they start verbally attacking me, harassing my family and our father to immediately pay up. The costs were put on a credit card which will not be due for some time. I will make sure to reimburse her well before then. I still see no justification for their hostile actions. Even at the funeral a good friend of my siblings (not me) stated "how bad my siblings treated me". I'm not wanting to cut ties about the money. It's about the hostilities and protecting my wife and children from the language, the anger, the attacks and any future hostilities.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If it's not about the amount, and you don't want to cut ties, I am not quite sure why you would need an itemization... Particularly since, in all honesty, it is a quite modest amount. I feel sure there are some family dynamics that none of us are aware of (there always are) . I don't know if you were the one who bore the majority of responsibility for your Mom or not...I don't think it really clarifies that in the post..I'm sorry if I missed it. All I can say, because it happened to me, is that if your siblings perhaps were the ones who were there for your Mom for the most part, then it is probably inflammatory to say the least to be questioned on that amount...and particularly for your wife...not you, your wife...to call the funeral home to request the itemization.

Maybe it's something that those of us who have had sister's in law who refused to help whatsoever with any aspect of caregiving, including being there for moral or emotional support, however find it all too easy to chime in when our loved ones..particularly our Mom's have passed.

Additionally, as I mentioned, I have had to personally bear the entire financial and emotional aspect of my Mama's care and yet a couple of years ago when a neighbor confronted my sibling about their lack of support attacked me verbally and demanded I provide copies of all documents pertaining to my Mama. I asked them why, were they going to finally help contributing to her care? That was the end of that story.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Have you asked them why they're behaving so aggressively? Is there some other grievance they're nurturing that you're unaware of, perhaps? Your not being able to be there when they made the funeral arrangements could have become more of an issue than you realise, for example; but it could be all kinds of small incidents in that vein. These things can snowball.

Not to stir matters even more, but one salient issue in the context of this forum would be how involved in your parents' lives, and especially your late mother's, you were. Could there be any underlying resentment to their current attitude?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I'm sorry for all that you and your family are going thru, the loss of your mom and the ensuing drama. I'm thinking there's been a bit of discord between you and the sibs prior to this. A quick check with friends who've planned their parents funeral would have told you that $2800 is not out of line. Your sibs didn't opt for the $10K casket or the total frills package - they kept it to a simple cremation with some extremely helpful assistance by the funeral home. It's possible that there's also an invoice from the newspaper for the obit that isn't in the amount your wife was given by the funeral home, and obits can get pricey. If my sib told me she'd pay her share AFTER she saw the invoice, I'd hear the subtext of "I don't trust that you've told me the real price". Yes, I'd have my knickers in a knot too.

When our dad passed, my sister made all the arrangements for his cremation. We shared costs, without questions. The one thing she missed in her grief was that the cemetery had a fee to inter Dad's ashes in the family plot. My husband and I looked at each other and I got out the credit card. My sister didn't know about this oversight until sometime later - why? because we decided that this woman had been holding Dad's hand when he passed and we weren't going to cause her any more sadness. My husband wouldn't let her reimburse us - she'd been helping the folks, she'd done so much for them, I lived out of town, she was in school and money was tight. It's what families do.

My opinion is that to create discord and pain and more drama for your dad, your family over this tiny sum of money seems cruel. As for transparency as head of household, part of marriage is "I'll help with your parents and you, with mine, as we need to".

I hope you're all able to work thru this, as family can be such a precious thing especially as we all get older.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report

When people say it's not about the money, usually it's about the money. If it isn't in your case, it is about the hurt of not being trusted. You did not trust your siblings to give you a correct amount. And you found out they did, within $52.20. Wanting to see the invoice is not really wrong, but insisting on it when feelings were hurt by the request maybe was. And insisting because you are head of household you had a special need for documentation probalby did not help one iota - your sisters probably have a lot of family responsibilites too and felt you belittled them.

Please be the bigger person here and say OK, I added stress to a difficult situation, I have learned a lesson, and that lesson is: it is less important to be right than to be kind. Don't be estranged from your family if it can be helped. Send them $500.00 and an apology and either flowers, chocolate, or coupons for a spa package in whatever amount you can afford. You had one mom, you have one family, and siblings hating on each other dishonors your mom and creates distress in everyone's life going forward.

If you have never admitting being wrong before, now is as good a time as any to start. You may find it totally refreshing, and I am not being sarcastic. I grew up being unable to admit imperfection because of the way I was raised by my mom, but eventualy learned better; my mom never did, and it blighted her life and our relationship in many ways.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

So, if I have this correct, you're the out of town sibling who had little to do with the caregiving or the arrangements? And you ultimately agreed to the $2800 price? And now you are asking, right after your mom's death and funeral for receipts? I have that correct?

Let me make a suggestion. Your sister who put this on her credit card may have financial issues that you are not privy to. Write her the check now. In 3 months, call up whoever dealt with the funeral home for the final bill on the expenses and file it so that you know it was the correct amount that you paid.

Please remember to send Christmas cards to your siblings this year and checks or gift cards to your nieces and nephews. It's the proper thing to do, just as getting a receipt for the funeral expenses is.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

Yes, it is the principle of the thing. The principle that you are somehow more important (or at least more pompous) because you are a head of a household. The principle that you didn't trust your siblings to give you the correct expense amount without backup documentation. The principle that you would have preferred for your siblings to go out of their way and out of their comfort zone in a stressful time for them in order to save a few bucks with a cheaper cremation service.

What the principles are on their side, I have no idea. Sounds pretty messed up to me, and out of proportion to your offense.

Write the check NOW. Put in a little extra for the work they did. Back off and let the bad feelings die down.

If you are modeling the principle to your children that it is important to have accurate financial records but you are not modeling the importance of family sticking together in tough times, I feel a little sad for your priorities.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

I agree that this is an extremely small amount of money to be "questioning" for whatever reason.
I would just like to add, in lieu of any type of bill being shown to you, you could yourself write up an informal invoice of what you're being asked to contribute as your share, the date of the services rendered and the name of the funeral home. Include names of all siblings that are paying and put a star by your name as the payer. Include your check number that you're paying it, and write on the memo line of the check "Paid in FULL" and also on the invoice.
Just to make it clear to them that you feel your "account" with them is completely done and they don't come after you for some other expense.
This will at least show them how (it sounds like) you wanted to be treated and will fulfill that in some small part. Keep a copy for your family's records and that should suffice.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I am already expecting my sisters to do exactly what you are doing. You have a right to a receipt, certainly, but it does sound like you are too detached, emotionally. Maybe it's just who you are, but ou might want to be a little more in your heart and a little less in your head.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Did you ever stop to think that you need to have a death certificate for insurance purposes? Everyone wants the original, maybe your sisters ordered originals and that was what made up the 52 dollar difference. You are out of town and your sisters were there caring for her and taking care of all of the arrangements. You should have paid and just let it go so you could get on with your life. Your family is worth more than 52 dollars.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Well, I am not going to throw any blame one way or another. My daughter
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

oops - M daughter is an accountant and she would do the same thing simply because she thinks it is the right way to conduct business.
There does seem to be family friction and division - one can only speculate why. Family matters are complex. Bad language is not appropriate regardless of what is gong on. That your father is willing to throw in the towel on his daughters says to me that the strife has been around for a while. On the other hand, your sisters are grieving the loss of your mum, as are you, I presume and your father. It is a very stressful time for all, and easy for tempers to flare.

I may be wrong, but I wonder if there is much relationship to salvage, all things considered.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I'd just like to know where this service is - the least expensive thing we had around here was at least 3X that total cost, and the funeral home wanted their money right away, before the service could commence. Count yourself very fortunate that this was all the bill came to and move on. Not worth it to make a difficult time even more difficult. It is very hard to manage all the details that need taking care of at a time when you are grieving and the hard feelings may be coming from the position that you were not there to lend moral support during a traumatic time and that the least you could do would be to pay up your portion without question. Pay up now and request (nicely) that a copy of the expenses for your files be sent to you later on, when all the bills have come in and everyone has a chance to recover a bit. They took care of what needed to be done at the most difficult time - writing the check is the easy part.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

So far I have counted 3 replies saying hold out for the invoice and 15 saying it would be best to pay the bill without further adieu...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Yeah, it sounds like you lit the match that ignited their feelings. Perhaps the last thing they wanted right then was to have to talk to you about money so whip out the old checkbook, say you're sorry and hope it blows over someday but don't count on it.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Cricketfarms, I'm sorting papers and just came across the funeral home bill for my husband's VERY SIMPLE service, cremation, no urn, no food, and it was $4,800. That did not include some plants I added. I'm with you ... OP should be thankful his siblings were able to put this together so frugally.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You said, "The costs were put on a credit card which will not be due for some time. I will make sure to reimburse her well before then."

Really? You know exactly the billing cycle dates for your sister's charge cards? I barely can keep track of my own so I am amazed you have this memorized for other family members.

And do you also know that putting your share of the expenses on her card didn't put her so close to her limit that she can't use the card again until she pays on it, regardless of the billing cycle?

Yup. Skinflint and pompous know-it-all about sums it up for me.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Dear jeannegibbs, wow sounds like you have some serious issues.

All, my check to my sister has already been sent, I called, and she has received it. I sent the exact amount she requested. And, she said her CC statement doesn't arrive for another 2 weeks and that it will not have any negative impact on her ability to make any CC purchases for the next month or for the holidays.

For background, 7 years ago our mother had been living in CA and got the notion to move across country back to the family area by herself. She called my sister who paid the funeral expenses to help her to get back but she refused to help her. She, in fact, called me and said she couldn't "deal with it" with mom asking for money for fuel and food and asked if I would take care of it. I did take care of it. I asked my other sisters if they could help and they all said to "leave her out there"! "We don't want here back here nor are we going to spend any of our money bringing her back!" Consulting with my wife, we agreed to make sure she got back safely by hiring a mover to load all her belonging for her and to drive her all the way back. We arranged and paid for an apartment for her living and we paid to send the mover back home. In these last 7 years my wife and I have brought her food regularly, made sure her needs were met, and traveled to visit so she could see her grandchildren every Mother's Day and often for either Thanksgiving/Christmas or holidays. Of my 4 sisters and 1 brother, there is only one that has worked with me in all this (NOT the one who paid). None of the others has stopped to see her in the last 7 years even though one lives less than 5 miles away and the one who paid the funeral expenses is retired at 55, no children, travels alot, has 2 homes and lives only slightly further then myself. Yup, that sure sounds like a "skinfling" and "pompous know-it-all". My prayers go out for your siblings, jeannegibbs.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

ReasonableBro, people here are not psychic. We didn't know the other details. If you had provided them, responses would have been different I'm sure.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

RB, so clever of you to withhold almost all of the relevant details until you riled many of us up. We are people, not magicians. Caregivers, not psychics. We can only work the the details given. I'm sorry if I gave you bad advice. Next time, pay a lawyer or a shrink.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter