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My mother recently passed away and 4 of my siblings made arrangements with the local funeral home for cremation as I was unable to be present. When they had called me before the final decision was made on what expenses they where considering, I had indicated that there was an alternative cremation services that could have offerred a savings of $350 on the $2800 total bill. They indicated that that wasn't enough savings to make it "worth the effort" and I agreed that if they were all OK spending the extra money to go ahead and have every thing taken care of locally. Immediately after the memorial, my oldest sibling confronted me that I owed my other sister $470 and needed to write her a check immediately because she had put it on her credit card. I indicated that I would take care of it. The next day I asked my sisters for a copy of any receipt/invoice from the funeral home and I would make prompt payment of my portion. The response was that "it was too much to ask for at this time while everyone was still healing". I replied for them to take as much time as needed but to fulfill my obligations and responsiblities as the head of household for my family I needed transparency in our mother's end-of-live expenses. Now, all my siblings say I'm being unreasonable, that I'm hold my payment hostage, and to just pay up. Is it really that unreasonable especially when as head of household I have to be finanacially responsible to my spouse and children?

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Maybe if the OP had gone about the request a little differently it would not have raised as much of an issue with the family. Instead of requiring the settlement copies or details before being willing to make payment to his sister asking that once things settle down she send him a copy of copies of the expenses and of the death certificate for his records.
My husband was the 2nd oldest of 6 and when his father passed (mother & eldest brother had both passed several years earlier) we left all the arrangements up to the siblings that had been his caregivers. Fortunately Dad had prepaid for most expenses when he had arranged for Mom’s services and we split whatever else there was for expenses between 4 siblings. One sibling was estranged from the rest and remains so today, but we all made certain that she and her children were included in all memorials to Dad and arrangements were communicated to her through the Funeral Director.
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Ok, I could be wrong. However, 6 days ago he stated he had not paid it, and then 2 days ago he said he said he had paid it, and he proceeded to blast jg, someone who had given him much support in suggesting that he not add more stress to the family situation. I think she deserves an apology.
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You are right, emjo, this was a simple but emotionally-sensitive question that got way out of hand. The OP has paid his share, gotten at least some documentation, and, let us hope, moved on.

No need to keep at this, no matter what we think about asking for documentation of funeral costs.
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Woah, hold it! There are so many assumptions here by so many posters. If you read the posts, the OP has already stated he paid his portion. All he asked was if asking for documentation for the EOL expenses is wrong. This thread has grown out of all proportion to the original question and become, t some extent, a mud slinging fest which is not characteristic of most threads on AC. I don't think he is obliged to discuss his family's history or problems here in order to deserve a civil answer.
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Ok, I'm done with this question, RB was withholding the funds. He was asking us to support his bad behavior withholding his payment and delaying the family's need to get it all over with. I don't think this question has anything to do with taxes or accounting, it's that he didn't want to be bothered to help pay the expenses. IMHO a gentleman would be grateful for the support and honesty of the folks on this website who took the time to offer their opinions.
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Oops! That is "asked" a simple question, above.
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Okay people let's begin with the Total amount of funeral costs: $2800, and he was asked to pay $470. Split five ways, it amounts to each paying $560. I think the gentleman just wants an accurate accounting. Please stop trying to input each of your own sibling rivalries onto him when he just ask a simple question. If a copy of the funeral expenses out way all the pain, suffering and anguish to the other siblings and you, then this is one "opportunity cost" you cannot afford (Economics 101). At $470 you got off cheap.
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If it really was just $52,50, think of it this way - they did all the work. I wouldn't be double-checking their figures, asking for receipts, or challenging them. If they did all the work and all you have to pay for your own time that you saved by not participating is $52,50, unless you're really broke, I'd just pay it and go out of my way to apologize, thank them, tell them you were just stressed, too, and cross your fingers that they also do all the work the next time, too.
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RB - if it is true you contributed financially and helped your mom so much before it sounds like you are still angry about this, perhaps you think you should not have had to contribute to the funeral expenses and your asking about documentation was the least of the family problems. If you have been at odds with your family for quite some time, I am wondering if your resentment caused you to lash out at your family the same way you did on this thread after folks gave their honest opinion in regards to your question. There is a lot more to this story than what meets the eye.
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I am sorry for your loss, and NO it is not unreasonable to ask for an expense report from your sisters. What have they got to hide? It is one piece of paper from the funeral home, or call them yourself and ask for a copy of the receipt. Siblings! Tell them you are grieving too.
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Wait - where was your father when your mother was wanting to move cross country by herself? Are they divorced?

Even adult children can have a bad reaction to their parents' divorce. If that's the case.
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Why did the other sibs say leave her out there, but you thought she really should move back? Something still does not add up. More important than clearing the air on here would be clearing the air with your family if that's possible!!
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Hey friends, let's stop the online bullying. It's great that everyone here is invested in learning to be the best caregivers and sharing their own perspectives. However, the posts that have helped me the most have been worded carefully and with compassion, even when I have needed correction.
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RB, so clever of you to withhold almost all of the relevant details until you riled many of us up. We are people, not magicians. Caregivers, not psychics. We can only work the the details given. I'm sorry if I gave you bad advice. Next time, pay a lawyer or a shrink.
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ReasonableBro, people here are not psychic. We didn't know the other details. If you had provided them, responses would have been different I'm sure.
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Dear jeannegibbs, wow sounds like you have some serious issues.

All, my check to my sister has already been sent, I called, and she has received it. I sent the exact amount she requested. And, she said her CC statement doesn't arrive for another 2 weeks and that it will not have any negative impact on her ability to make any CC purchases for the next month or for the holidays.

For background, 7 years ago our mother had been living in CA and got the notion to move across country back to the family area by herself. She called my sister who paid the funeral expenses to help her to get back but she refused to help her. She, in fact, called me and said she couldn't "deal with it" with mom asking for money for fuel and food and asked if I would take care of it. I did take care of it. I asked my other sisters if they could help and they all said to "leave her out there"! "We don't want here back here nor are we going to spend any of our money bringing her back!" Consulting with my wife, we agreed to make sure she got back safely by hiring a mover to load all her belonging for her and to drive her all the way back. We arranged and paid for an apartment for her living and we paid to send the mover back home. In these last 7 years my wife and I have brought her food regularly, made sure her needs were met, and traveled to visit so she could see her grandchildren every Mother's Day and often for either Thanksgiving/Christmas or holidays. Of my 4 sisters and 1 brother, there is only one that has worked with me in all this (NOT the one who paid). None of the others has stopped to see her in the last 7 years even though one lives less than 5 miles away and the one who paid the funeral expenses is retired at 55, no children, travels alot, has 2 homes and lives only slightly further then myself. Yup, that sure sounds like a "skinfling" and "pompous know-it-all". My prayers go out for your siblings, jeannegibbs.
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You said, "The costs were put on a credit card which will not be due for some time. I will make sure to reimburse her well before then."

Really? You know exactly the billing cycle dates for your sister's charge cards? I barely can keep track of my own so I am amazed you have this memorized for other family members.

And do you also know that putting your share of the expenses on her card didn't put her so close to her limit that she can't use the card again until she pays on it, regardless of the billing cycle?

Yup. Skinflint and pompous know-it-all about sums it up for me.
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Cricketfarms, I'm sorting papers and just came across the funeral home bill for my husband's VERY SIMPLE service, cremation, no urn, no food, and it was $4,800. That did not include some plants I added. I'm with you ... OP should be thankful his siblings were able to put this together so frugally.
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Yeah, it sounds like you lit the match that ignited their feelings. Perhaps the last thing they wanted right then was to have to talk to you about money so whip out the old checkbook, say you're sorry and hope it blows over someday but don't count on it.
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So far I have counted 3 replies saying hold out for the invoice and 15 saying it would be best to pay the bill without further adieu...
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I'd just like to know where this service is - the least expensive thing we had around here was at least 3X that total cost, and the funeral home wanted their money right away, before the service could commence. Count yourself very fortunate that this was all the bill came to and move on. Not worth it to make a difficult time even more difficult. It is very hard to manage all the details that need taking care of at a time when you are grieving and the hard feelings may be coming from the position that you were not there to lend moral support during a traumatic time and that the least you could do would be to pay up your portion without question. Pay up now and request (nicely) that a copy of the expenses for your files be sent to you later on, when all the bills have come in and everyone has a chance to recover a bit. They took care of what needed to be done at the most difficult time - writing the check is the easy part.
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oops - M daughter is an accountant and she would do the same thing simply because she thinks it is the right way to conduct business.
There does seem to be family friction and division - one can only speculate why. Family matters are complex. Bad language is not appropriate regardless of what is gong on. That your father is willing to throw in the towel on his daughters says to me that the strife has been around for a while. On the other hand, your sisters are grieving the loss of your mum, as are you, I presume and your father. It is a very stressful time for all, and easy for tempers to flare.

I may be wrong, but I wonder if there is much relationship to salvage, all things considered.
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Well, I am not going to throw any blame one way or another. My daughter
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Did you ever stop to think that you need to have a death certificate for insurance purposes? Everyone wants the original, maybe your sisters ordered originals and that was what made up the 52 dollar difference. You are out of town and your sisters were there caring for her and taking care of all of the arrangements. You should have paid and just let it go so you could get on with your life. Your family is worth more than 52 dollars.
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I am already expecting my sisters to do exactly what you are doing. You have a right to a receipt, certainly, but it does sound like you are too detached, emotionally. Maybe it's just who you are, but ou might want to be a little more in your heart and a little less in your head.
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I agree that this is an extremely small amount of money to be "questioning" for whatever reason.
I would just like to add, in lieu of any type of bill being shown to you, you could yourself write up an informal invoice of what you're being asked to contribute as your share, the date of the services rendered and the name of the funeral home. Include names of all siblings that are paying and put a star by your name as the payer. Include your check number that you're paying it, and write on the memo line of the check "Paid in FULL" and also on the invoice.
Just to make it clear to them that you feel your "account" with them is completely done and they don't come after you for some other expense.
This will at least show them how (it sounds like) you wanted to be treated and will fulfill that in some small part. Keep a copy for your family's records and that should suffice.
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Yes, it is the principle of the thing. The principle that you are somehow more important (or at least more pompous) because you are a head of a household. The principle that you didn't trust your siblings to give you the correct expense amount without backup documentation. The principle that you would have preferred for your siblings to go out of their way and out of their comfort zone in a stressful time for them in order to save a few bucks with a cheaper cremation service.

What the principles are on their side, I have no idea. Sounds pretty messed up to me, and out of proportion to your offense.

Write the check NOW. Put in a little extra for the work they did. Back off and let the bad feelings die down.

If you are modeling the principle to your children that it is important to have accurate financial records but you are not modeling the importance of family sticking together in tough times, I feel a little sad for your priorities.
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So, if I have this correct, you're the out of town sibling who had little to do with the caregiving or the arrangements? And you ultimately agreed to the $2800 price? And now you are asking, right after your mom's death and funeral for receipts? I have that correct?

Let me make a suggestion. Your sister who put this on her credit card may have financial issues that you are not privy to. Write her the check now. In 3 months, call up whoever dealt with the funeral home for the final bill on the expenses and file it so that you know it was the correct amount that you paid.

Please remember to send Christmas cards to your siblings this year and checks or gift cards to your nieces and nephews. It's the proper thing to do, just as getting a receipt for the funeral expenses is.
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When people say it's not about the money, usually it's about the money. If it isn't in your case, it is about the hurt of not being trusted. You did not trust your siblings to give you a correct amount. And you found out they did, within $52.20. Wanting to see the invoice is not really wrong, but insisting on it when feelings were hurt by the request maybe was. And insisting because you are head of household you had a special need for documentation probalby did not help one iota - your sisters probably have a lot of family responsibilites too and felt you belittled them.

Please be the bigger person here and say OK, I added stress to a difficult situation, I have learned a lesson, and that lesson is: it is less important to be right than to be kind. Don't be estranged from your family if it can be helped. Send them $500.00 and an apology and either flowers, chocolate, or coupons for a spa package in whatever amount you can afford. You had one mom, you have one family, and siblings hating on each other dishonors your mom and creates distress in everyone's life going forward.

If you have never admitting being wrong before, now is as good a time as any to start. You may find it totally refreshing, and I am not being sarcastic. I grew up being unable to admit imperfection because of the way I was raised by my mom, but eventualy learned better; my mom never did, and it blighted her life and our relationship in many ways.
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I'm sorry for all that you and your family are going thru, the loss of your mom and the ensuing drama. I'm thinking there's been a bit of discord between you and the sibs prior to this. A quick check with friends who've planned their parents funeral would have told you that $2800 is not out of line. Your sibs didn't opt for the $10K casket or the total frills package - they kept it to a simple cremation with some extremely helpful assistance by the funeral home. It's possible that there's also an invoice from the newspaper for the obit that isn't in the amount your wife was given by the funeral home, and obits can get pricey. If my sib told me she'd pay her share AFTER she saw the invoice, I'd hear the subtext of "I don't trust that you've told me the real price". Yes, I'd have my knickers in a knot too.

When our dad passed, my sister made all the arrangements for his cremation. We shared costs, without questions. The one thing she missed in her grief was that the cemetery had a fee to inter Dad's ashes in the family plot. My husband and I looked at each other and I got out the credit card. My sister didn't know about this oversight until sometime later - why? because we decided that this woman had been holding Dad's hand when he passed and we weren't going to cause her any more sadness. My husband wouldn't let her reimburse us - she'd been helping the folks, she'd done so much for them, I lived out of town, she was in school and money was tight. It's what families do.

My opinion is that to create discord and pain and more drama for your dad, your family over this tiny sum of money seems cruel. As for transparency as head of household, part of marriage is "I'll help with your parents and you, with mine, as we need to".

I hope you're all able to work thru this, as family can be such a precious thing especially as we all get older.
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