Dementia Confabulation: When to challenge and when to "go along?"

I am so glad I have this site. Thanks for the good words about the letter idea, I hope it helps others, and especially AmberA.
A priest once told me that we are to honor our M and F, but there is no guidance about loving them. That has to be earned.
My mom is the fourth elder I've had to take care of in three years. I even asked her if she ever had to take care of the elderly. It has ruined my health, but I was lucky to find a role model in my Father-in-law H*y. H*y just took care of others. H*y did not look to find someone to take care of things, he just did it. I really cry when I think of the time I missed with him. And I never got to tell him he is truly my hero.
H*y learned to shut off when he was abused, I know that now. Whenever my mother gets really bad, I just think, what would H*y do?
AmberA, your mother's brain is damaged. She cannot help some of it. The problem is that she can remember just enough to push your buttons. Treat her like you would an errant 10 year old. Smart enough to annoy, but not enough to realize what she is doing. I also worry about what my mother says to others, but I try to kill that with kindness to all.
I am walking along a road at winter, a freezing, but normal person. I hear someone screaming for help. I run up and see a woman drowning in a pond. I have two choices, I can try to help and be a hero, at risk to my own life, or I can walk away and be a coward forever. But I can never be a normal person again. I choose hero.

Love you all.

Some of your answers made me laugh. Some made me cry. I will come out at the end of this stronger and wiser.
Thank you!

Last month my Dad kept insisting his pants were on inside out. My brother got firm with him, which used to annoy me, cause he could make him cry, but that was before we realized the problem was medical, not stubborn or orneryness. The only way to convince him was to take him to his room have him remove them, in which case we turned them inside out twice until he was satisfied. small price to pay to spend some time with him once he was satisfied. After that, I did some hand on the shoulder, little physical reassuring comfort and then he tuned in to the world around him and he was much happier. He can't remember why he's there, but he can almost follow a conversation and appreciates his surroundings. Which is why it sucks he's usually in a room full of people who can't interact with him. Living with tradeoffs.....

Dear Friends:

Just as an aside, I remember Mom (before the dementia set in) telling me about her childhood when "senile" people were literally "locked up in the attic." I think her generation (she is 92 now) thinks of dementia as some abhorrent thing to be ashamed of, which I suppose is understandable.
A few months ago, Mom was actually self-aware of her deficits. She's now turned the corner and believes she is "perfectly fine" and only has "a little memory problem," saying I'm "the one with dementia." I don't argue and just say, "Well, you know, Mom, my memory ain't what it used to be," and leave it at that. Then Mom puffs up like an old hen and smiles.

I read the stories on this forum and cry. Comparatively speaking, I have it so much easier than many of you who keep your aging parent(s) home with you, when I have Mom in memory care. I thank God daily for that! Some of you have patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) forged ahead with caretaking roles; not just one but both parents AND a spouse with dementia! Why do so many of us and our LO's succumb to this awful fate? Some say it's because we're living longer. I for one would rather die of a stroke or heart attack or cancer than inflict this on my children!

There are no warm, fuzzy moments with Mom's dementia, layered as it is with mental illness. No reprieve, no hope of things getting better. I feel like Mom's disease process is some sort of test of my humanity. I pray I continue to treat Mom as I would like to be treated with the same condition: kindness and compassion tempered with boundaries. I would not want my children to give up their lives for my sake....

Harpcat:

I got your suggested reading Loving Hard-to-Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Older Parents by PaulChavetz. Truly one of the most helpful books on the topic I've EVER picked up! Short, sweet, and to the point! Great insights! Useful suggestions! Strongly recommended to anyone struggling with difficult aging parents! Got it through Amazon. Bravo!

So glad you got the book AmberA. I showed it to my therapist this week. Really makes a lot of sense!

AmberA, the first year is the toughest...accept the fact that this is happening and then get her to a gerontologist for help. It's amazing how just that alone will help YOU, much less your mom. Now someone else sees your moms condition and will take the appropriate steps for care...the acceptance is the most difficult to see your parent/loved one showing signs of dementia...these signs are brutal at least they were for me. Once I accepted it, the dr took steps; exercises, tests and more frequent dr appts at least in the beginning...once a definite dx is made, then you know what kind of dementia and the treatment/care for it....it's tough. But, do alot of online research about it to open your eyes that you are not alone...this site is wonderful for advice, laughter and acknowledgement of some of what you may experience in this journey...learn to deal with it because it is a long journey and can be difficult/frustrating at times, sad/happy and bittersweet. Never yell even tho you may be frustrated, never EVER get physical...learn heavy duty patience, love and see their journey thru THEIR eyes...it's brutal but is reality. It will help you...believe me...I can't stress this enough. It will make you see alot more of what's going on around you also; makes you open your eyes to life...Never give up; but, when you have a 'bad' day make sure you step away even if for only a little while...it helps...you will learn what works for you and what doesn't in going thru this with your loved one...I could write forever on this as well as many others but all I can really stress is - keep the dr appts, learn patience and understanding thru their eyes and the rest falls into place...also take care of yourself and find a way to relax yourself...learning to relax can be difficult because of the worry but you have to learn how to otherwise your health becomes unhealthy.....and, don't forget your own family. They may not be completely aware of everything you experience as a caregiver, but get as much support as you can from them. You may have to delegate a few chores since your workload has gotten heavier so take whatever help you can. Just remember, you are all family and love, patience and understanding will help thru this difficult time for all....peace :)