I am POA — paying bills, taking care of accounts, insurances, cars, etc.
Siblings question everything I do. One asks 90 year old Mom for money. She writes a check. Another says, “Mom, I have no money.” Mom writes a check. These are people in their 50s, not kids.
I recently took Mom’s checkbook away & they have been screaming at me, in front of Mom to have it returned. I find this behavior to be mean towards Mom.
I feel they are taking advantage & feel I have the right as POA to guard her finances.
I wouldn’t say she is incompetent, but is not capable of making sound decisions. She is forgetful & can be easily manipulated.
I recently took on the expense of having her roof repaired. It was full of holes & hadn’t been replaced in probably 40-50 years! My siblings are torqueing Mom up about its cost. It was money that needed to be spent& I’m not spending the money on myself!
Do POAs have any protection from jealousy siblings? Don’t ever become a POA. It’s a hell job.
- Who can you ‘confide in’ and ask for suggestions about how to handle this? Someone the siblings would NOT like to hear about their behavior. The suggestions you get might help, and they are forewarned if the siblings complain to them and spread rumours about you.
- Can you fit cameras with the ability to record their behavior? Then show it back to them, and let them know that it can be shown to other people.
- Can you change the locks, so that siblings only get to see M after contacting you? This might follow on from the recordings of bad behavior.
- Don’t give the check book back to M. Where I am the banks are talking about phasing out checks anyway, they might do it a bit quicker around your area? Or you might need to set up non-check procedures to get ready?
- Follow all the suggestions about the legal methods for stopping M’s vulnerability to scams and pressure to 'give'.
It’s a hard situation. Good luck!
I think from a legal POV, your mom is either legally competent or she is not. You write “I wouldn’t say she is incompetent, but is not capable of making sound decisions. She is forgetful & can be easily manipulated.”
My understanding and experience from going through this with my dad is that DPOA needs to be activated. The DPOA says “if I am incapacitated, X has authority to make decisions on my behalf.” When my dad was diagnosed with dementia, I got letters from his neurologist that my dad was under his care and in his medical opinion, my dad was no longer capable of driving or handling his own financial or business affairs. I needed both the DPOA AND the letter to activate the DPOA with the bank and various other entities. The bank and IRA place then redefined my dad as an “incapacited agent” with me as his “full agent” acting on his behalf.
It sounds like the situation with your mom is more of a gray area? Now that my dad has passed, it’s kinda like that with me and my mom. She has NOT been diagnosed with anything and legally is fully capable of making her own decisions. She also named me in her DPOA but I have no ability to activate this because she has no diagnosis. She had my name added to her can long account and credit card because she wanted to.
However, for the most part she is passive and afraid as my dad handled all “business” and money things before he developed dementia and she is downright afraid of trying. So she wants/ needs me to do it. She won’t look at her checking account balance, won’t open letters from social security, car insurance, etc etc. I have to do all that plus decide on and pay for (from her account) her home repairs etc. and more.
POA is a duty and responsibility, and does not grant you any privileges or immunity from jealous siblings or anything else. If your mom CHOSE to leave you more in her will because of you being POA or whatever reason, she could do that. IF there is anything left after she passes. Those two legal documents (will and DPOA) are entirely separate and unrelated to my understanding.
Good luck!
A story of warning. Four days after my uncle was discharge from rehab in Oct 2022, his godchild (1 of 4) and him withdrew 15% of his savings. He consented and when I questioned him he said he gave to her as an inheritance because she asked for it. I immediately knew as his POA I would need to be more proactive with my role because this was manipulative and elderly financial abuse. Cut to Nov 2024, he now has had to apply for Medicaid LTC and will have a penalty due to that gift. You will be asked to provide receipts and when it is a non allowed expense.
I am happy to hear you know as POA it's not a fun position. You have to think of it strictly as a business and any emotions or feeling of family needing to know every aspect are not relevant. You will be viewed as the bad guy matter what.
If so she should not be handling her own assets, cash and checkbooks or charge cards.
You are POA. It is up to you to now protect her according to your document's stipulations. Please read them now.
You will then go to an Elder law attorney with the requirements of your POA document (usually letters from two MDs that mother is no longer competent to manage her own assets) and get this all handled, go to banks and get yourself signed on to all accounts as the POA and signee.
If you wish to you can then supply your mother, from out of her assets, a small spending account of her own for her own use as she wishes.
This needs to be done as it is your fiduciary DUTY. None of this gets discussed with others; it is private financial management through you for your mother.
This is paid for out of your mother's assets.
You are thereafter responsible for every single penny into and out of mother's accounts so that if anyone calls anything into question you are able to give full files and documentation to a judge who will ask you for this. This is a LEGAL Fiduciary duty under the law.
If you do not understand how to be POA you will need to learn quick (I sure did!!) or you will need to resign as POA. This is easily done if other is competent by a letter. More difficult if she is already incompetent and you realize you are in way over your head. That takes a call to APS who can help get a guardianship by the state appointed.
Now, all that once again explained I need to tell you that if your mother is fully competent she can give anything she wants to, to anyone she wishes. It is important she know that this gifting will mean she cannot get governmental assistance of MediCAID very easily. Again, speak with an attorney.
Good luck to you. This is a steep learning curve; I well remember it!