Should I correct my mother when she repeats questions?

Hey Maryland Mom, get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting or a therapist -- if not for your own sake then for your children. You're suffering, and you're also participating.

My experience is that no good comes from trying to explain something to someone who because of dementia is unable to understand. You simply get frustrated. I keep my asnwers short and repeat as often as is necessay, believing that's the best help I can give. And if they have a concern or paranoia about something I simply say, "Yes . . okay, I'll take care of that."

My life is so filled with ironies. My husband (alcoholic dementia only obvious to all of us -- it's OUR imagination!!!! ) is actually in charge of caring for his demented father on weekends and drives two hours to do so. Talk abot the blind leading the blind... OMG. He returns to us emotionally drained and even worse off each week only to repeat, thousands of times, that HIS father repeats himself and how it drives HIM crazy. How ironic is that???? So...this means my husband is repeating himself about taking care of a father who repeats himself. WE ARE ALL READY TO SCREAM. Then there's MY mom nearby living precariously alone (she refuses to budge)who doesn't repeat but is stubbborn and obstinate and sure her way is the right way when it is clearly wrong and often unwise. This disease has me surrounded and I am drowning in anger and angst. The anger is for my husband who I cannot empathize with as he has brought it all on himself. He sickens me. Offers me money to have sex, is inappropriate in front of his grown kids, fills his dinner plate then covers the food he has left uneaten with his napkin thinking we don't see it and sneaks off with his glass filled with ice cubes only to forget where he was headed. And he is the CEO of a company, driving to work each day only to be home by noon saying that he is "working" at home. Drinking at home is more like it. I can only imagine what the employees are all saying about his erratic behavior.I would leave him tomorrow if he did not control all the money issues (talk about SCARY). Holidays serve to magnify the feelings I am having as all I think of are "the times before Alzheimers/dementia when life was normal." How I long for normal again. WIll it ever return? My poor children are a wreck. I have lived my life but for them, the future is bleak. So very sad. Thanks for letting me vent, Its' been a while since I could even face reading on here -- too depressing.

Thank you so much for your tips and for sharing about your mother.

You just put everything into perspective.

Blessings

I had experience with this, prior to Mom's dementia, as a hairdresser. I learned to change the subject, if that works. You can use the dementia to your advantage in some situations. For example if their is music on, ask who's singing the tune. Or raise a discussion of interest that the person has, like a vacation they had at one time long ago or a favorite movie etc. anything to distract that question. Or if it's a question of what is today's date, get them in a habit of looking at the newspaper or if it's what time it is get a clock in plain view. Routine is key and comforting to dementia sufferers. So if you make a schedule of your daily plans on a board an make it routine to look at it and have a clock in plain view
EX: 12:00 lunch ,music at 1:00, stretching at 3:00 etc. the schedule will make a focal point and make them feel less lost. Gives a focus and a purpose and if the mind is busy trying to remember or waiting for the next thing and this will be occupying the mind.
Remember one day you may be happy if a word is spoken at all, so smile it's only the same question to you. It only drives you crazy if you let it.
Now a story about this subject.......
On Thanksgiving Day at Mom's early dementia stage and the beginning of my caregiving 24/7 days ...Early Morning I was getting ready to stuff the Turkey as Mom sat in front about 5 inches from THE TURKEY while the THANKSGIVING parade was on TV also in close view. She asked "is it a holiday today? it feels like a holiday?" so I said ""yes It's Thanksgiving" well this continued for quite awhile REPEATEDLY back and forth just as I was about to loose it completely, my boyfriend enters the kitchen and she say's to him "Did you know it's Thanksgiving today?" "Happy Thanksgiving!" LOL I only wish I could have her that way again...although at the time not funny....way funny now!!!!

She can't help the repetitions. She won't "learn" not to do it by being told she does. Keep on giving her brief answers.

Lewy Body Dementia has made my laid-back husband who was never in a particular hurry anyway extremely slow. I know that he can't help it. I allow a couple hours for his morning routines. If there is a need to have things happen faster, I help him. I say, "I am so glad that you can dress yourself, and you do a good job, but today we have to leave early for the dentist and I'm going to help you so it goes faster. He hasn't objected to this yet.

The bottom line, kaygwon, is that you are not going to change your mother. You might as well go with the flow and only take charge when it is necessary.

My mother repetitive questions are painful. I divorced in April after 21 years of marriage and it has been the most painful experience in my life. Mother continues asking about my ex, about what happened to the house and how come, etc. Telling me how she gave advice to my son and how that advice changed his life (it didn't) and more painful questions a day that I can handle or she starts the day saying that she wants to die, she is not worthy, and that theme keeps going and going. Changing the subject does not work. Her memory is selective for negativity. Yesterday she was describing a miscarriage she had many years ago with all details with is painful for me because I got a major depression after a miscarriage. Telling her it hurt to talk or hear certain things, won't stop the episode, she would continue talking to somebody else so I have to leave, She was always like that but now is worse.

You know, I can answer half the question but would like to hear what other caregivers do because I find this kind of thing just as exasperating as you do. I realize it would be futile to inform Mom that she just asked that question a few minutes ago. It doesn't get her the answer and it doesn't make me feel any better. Now, with my Mom, I figured it was the Parkinson's that slowed down the whole process of waking up, changing clothes and having breakfast in the morning. I think we both know if we rush our mothers, it's just going to make for a very unhappy outing. For me, I have just resigned myself to the time it takes now to get things done and actually grateful Mom continues to be stubborn about wanting to do it herself. Looking forward to hearing how everyone handles the repetitive questions.

As far as the repeating herself, maybe you could just tell her the answer and not remind her you've already said it a 100 x's. That's what I do with my mother-in-law. She has a really good sense of humor about her lack of memory though, which is really nice. We laugh together about it, and just move on. I live basically in the moment with her. Whatever I tell her or we talk about she won't remember it 5 minutes after, but she remembers it for the moment. It's never going to get better, she's never going to change, she can't help how her brain works so what's the point of getting aggravated with her? Let it roll off your back or in one ear and out the other, whatever works for ya. And about the dressing, maybe you should be taking an active part in helping her get ready? She probably can't remember what the big fuss is all about anyhow, so just help her get ready and keep up the chatter. See if that helps. I hear ya though. (sigh)