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To avoid a rant - I will type the facts and add some observations. I live about 1000 miles away from my mother and step-father. My mother has always worked hard and dedicated herself to her work whatever it is. She may be the most passive agressive person I have ever met. This impacts her entire life and always has. There is certainly no changing that and she has no plans on accepting it. With that, this behavior is impacting her healthcare, her life, her relationships.... and so on. A year and a half ago my mother suffered a massive stroke. This left her with mobility issues as she cannot use most of her right side. She has always been very reluctant to discuss "the hard stuff", finances, end of life plans, etc. I try not to push, but have just about reached my end. Recently we found out that she has additional severe health issues. My example of passive aggressive: She had tests done for this issue in October and her half-wit doctor did not call with results until 3 months later. 3 months. I asked if she I could help her find another doctor as this one clearly does not have her best health interests. She just says, no or I can't change doctors. I advised that she certainly could - nothing. I bring up finances and healthcare and she just says "we're fine". My step-father is no help at all. That's a different forum. My step-sister and I typically discover this important health information by accident.


Question: HOW do I help her hope for the best but understand that planning for the worst is a healthy part of life as well. Having a plan, having options should make you feel better about what is happening. If we bring it up she becomes irrational and everything goes off track.


I asked if I could be added to her HIPAA agreement so I can ask the doctor questions because she gets very intimidated asking questions of them. Her answer was no. I even told her that it would make me feel better if I could ask some questions. No.


I know someone out there has dealt with this!?! Thank you anyone for your insights - very much appreciated!

JC, one of the hardest things in family life is having to watch a LO make a stupid bed and then watch them lie in it (and then complain about the stupid bed they made and THEN ask for help to get out of it). I'm assuming your mom didn't have cognitive impact from her stroke? If not, then if I were in your situation (and so I could go to bed with a clear conscience) I would have one last conversation with her (or write a letter to her) telling her what will happen if she doesn't have a rational and executable plan for their future. No one gets out of here alive. Most people don't die peacefully in their sleep. She doesn't want to hear this, but too bad. I would explain to her how, because of the distance you live from her and hubby, that there is a point where you won't be ABLE to help her, even if you both want it. Then explain to her how someone will probably need to report them to the county social workers and the county will then get guardianship/control over them and neither you nor anyone else will have any further say in what facility they go to, what quality of care they get, if she and hubby are even in the same facility (as was the case with my MIL and stepFIL). All you can do is warn them. Then have peace in your heart that you did everything possible to prevent them from being their own worst enemies, and a disrespecter of your life and efforts. If nothing changes after this discussion, then she doesn't want your help. Period. Don't run to their rescue once the train wreck ensues. Just remind them that this was the plan they opted for. Don't allow any other family members try to pressure or shame or bully you into helping with the train wreck. Peace to you.
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