My mom has her own attorney who I have worked with but they are not much for hand-holding. I met with my own separate attorney to ask what it would entail to have a professional POA and what my rights, obligations, and risks are in both cases. I still am confused even though at the meeting it seemed clear. My memory isn’t the greatest especially with all of the stress of dealing with this and my job and the legalese is not easy for me. She said something about a clause in the trust that allows the POA to be reassigned. It sounded like my attorney (and I also have another friend who’s done senior law who agrees) was saying that there could be something in the docs that allows me to make the choice. However, when I asked the attorney that Mom had do the trust, they said mom would have to appoint a new person and documents be drawn up again. I suppose we can do that but I just am confused what the other attorney meant. I will ask her next week but if anyone here know of a book or something maybe I will understand better. I try to read all of the articles here but it’s a lot and a book may be simpler.
Backstory: 25 years ago, my mother, who lived alone and was a very independent woman, successful behavioral health professional, skier, and adventure traveler, was 64 and was hit by a car and severely injured. She was in rehab for 6 weeks and I stayed with her for a year to help her during that time. After a year, I moved back home. Her career and health declined after that. She and I had a difficult relationship. She is narcissistic and mean. I got married and had kids but she was angry that I didn’t live near her and would rarely visit. In 2011 she had back surgery so I came and helped for a few weeks and we hired 24-hour care in home care for a bit. Mom liked one of the caregivers, Norma. My mom relied on Norma for most friendship and assistance doing fun things. Mom was still taking care of a lot. Later, they would hide problems from me unless my mom ended up in the hospital. Over time, I could see that her house was in worse shape. She would take too many sleeping pills and call me incoherently babbling and then not remember later. She seemed to be in cognitive decline. Her doctors and lawyers wouldn’t talk to me. My aunt was POA and I was second in line but my aunt did not even want it and regardless it wasn’t sprung. I did get her doctor to stop prescribing narcotics after several emergeny room and/or hospital visits for severe bowel impaction or falling. I could see when I visited and looked at paperwork that her affairs were getting more and more out of order. She was forgetting to send birthday cards and that sort of thing…which she had always been very vigilant about. Her vision was getting worse from macular degeneration. Norma enabled her in hiding issues and started doing more and more. Norma wrote all the checks, got cash from the ATM, went shopping with mom’s credit cards. They both would get defensive when I asked questions. Mom ‘lost’ her 3-carat diamond ring. When finally I did gain access to her accounts I could see she spends a lot of money to maintain her lifestyle. Cash withdrawals were high but maybe explainable. I see there were odd charges on my mom’s Costco card. When she needed a reverse mortgage then she really let me get involved. After a year of effort to do this finally my mom made me trustee and I got durable POA in May this year. Norma has been difficult, mom is protecting her independence, and trying to manage things from a distance with their lack of cooperation is too much for me with all of my other responsibilities. I’ve repeatedly tried to convince her to move into assisted living and/or move near me. She refuses. I am thinking that I may need to demand that she move to assisted living or I will turn POA over to a professional.
If mom has cognitive decline, she may need to be in memory care rather than AL. That might help get rid of Norma because mom would be locked in. Yet if mom is enmeshed with Norma, the loss of her could cause further decline in mom.
This is a tough situation, and if I were you, I wouldn't feel welcome to be involved in mom's affairs at all. Just sayin'.
not sure a book can do it justice...?
However, I'd think you would want to (also) speak to an attorney.
This is one book I found:
Power of Attorney: The One-Stop Guide: All you need to know: granting it, using it or relying on it (One Stop Guides) Paperback – February 18, 2021
by Sandra McDonald (Author)
One of the most powerful ways we can care for our future is to create a Power of Attorney. This simple document allows an appointed person to make decisions for us in the case that we can no longer do so ourselves. But what does it mean to be someone's attorney? And how can it be set up?
This book is designed to offer clear, practical advice for anyone making this decision, or needing to exercise their rights. Drawing on over two decades of professional and personal experience, Sandra McDonald explains everything that you need to know about Power of Attorney, including:
- how to create the legal document
- how to implement it
- dealing with others and safeguarding
The result is an invaluable resource for anyone who is, has or deals with a Power of Attorney
1. “The Complete Power of Attorney Guide for Consumers and Small Businesses” by Linda S. Lewis
This book offers a comprehensive overview of the various types of POA, the duties involved, and practical advice for both agents and those granting POA.
2. “Durable Powers of Attorney: A Handbook for Attorneys and Clients”
by Carolyn L. Dessin. Although this is more of a professional guide, it’s also useful for individuals seeking an in-depth understanding of POA duties.
3. “Nolo’s Durable Power of Attorney” by Shae Irving J.D. Published by Nolo, a trusted source for legal self help books, this guide covers the legal and practical aspects of creating and managing a durable POA.
4. “The Power of Attorney Handbook” by Edward A. Haman—This book explains the different types of POA, the legal implications, and the responsibilities of the agent.
These books should help you understand the roles and responsibilities associated with being a power of attorney.
is helping me
a step by step guide
Cou can also go the guardianship route since Norma is enabling her, and once completed, you will have full control.
You, as the POA, can NOT reassign it, you can, however, hire a geriatric care manager to act on your behalf, using your moms money of course.
Best of luck sorting this out, it is hard under the best of relationships and near impossible in bad ones. Remember that you matter too and if you have to wash your hands of it, that's okay.
Tried hiring one geriatric care manager and boy was that a fail. Thanks for the good wishes. I am building more and more callouses to this debacle lol.
What I appreciate about the articles is that they often refer the reader to other resources; you may find your book that way.
Best wishes to you for your care as you strive to take care of Mom.
If you feel incapable (and with memory deficits imho you are not fully capable of this job) then you can resign even if mother has dementia, but this is a legal action at that point handled by an attorney as the courts will need to appoint a POA, a court appointed fiduciary, in that case.
Any way you are looking at it, a Licensed Fiduciary is the answer here. See an elder law attorney. They work with Fiduciaries in the court system and can guide you in finding one. My brother's ex partner had one himself when he had no family to serve as POA. This is a VERY difficult job.
I served as Trustee of Trust and POA for a brother who was well organized, very cooperative, and in ALF care. It is a difficult job at very best, and would be impossible with complications. See an attorney for options.
As to good books on being POA? I never found one and have a library of useless books about managing a trust that assume your elder is already dead. I found most of my information online and learning the hard way. It was a STEEP learning curve. And the anxiety of it all was quite horrific really.
Yes, this is indeed a stressful task and the learning curve is ridiculously steep. It is ridiculous that it is made so difficult and we don't have a better system in place. I watch my friends' parents getting scammed and screwed left and right by predators and family. People's true natures really show up when there is a gullible elder to exploit. It's horrible. I am just as concerned about finding a good fiduciary as I am regarding finding a good attorney or caregiver. The odds are not great in my experience. And what it usually comes down to is the old adage "If you want something done right, do it yourself." I will be having the talk with her and she will be making a big decision soon because I will not be the one making all of the sacrifices here.