My 84 year old father-in-law was "fooled" into a memory care AL by his new wife and those were here words 3 weeks ago. She is 21 years younger and married only 8 years. He has been diagnosed with dementia for just under 2 years. They went to lunch and then she took him to the assisted living. When he turned around she was gone. His new wife had not discussed any concerns with handling his care to my husband or his brother who had visited from out of town just 2 weeks prior. He does have impaired short term memory but is able to perform all ADL's andwalks with a rollator. He needs help with meds, finances, and driving. She even had a Certified Senior Advisor who also did not discuss this with us but come to find out she makes a 1 month commission on placement in homes she has contracts with (completely unethical in my opinion). Dad is miserable, depressed, and crying for us to take him out of there. Home care was never considered and he has 2 long term care policies and money to pay for home care. We are able to handle his care in another state and will hire caregivers as needed. We live in a one story home, have an extra room, and I am a physical therapist. Facility will not discuss much with us because his wife did not place us on HIPAA and will not return calls. Can he leave with us because he has not been deemed incompetent by a court of law or will facility not let us in? He is adamant he wants out to come with us and is definitely suffering from relocation stress syndrome. Not to mention coronavirus adding to our difficulty! Please help!!

Your option should you wish to try is to contact an Elder Care Attorney and begin Guardianship procedures.
This may not be easy as your fathers wife apparently has done nothing wrong to jeopardize your fathers health or safety so you can not say he has been neglected.
You also mention nothing about physical abuse. (no mention of financial abuse)

Getting admitted as a resident to Memory Care is not as simple as going in and signing a contract / lease. He had to be evaluated, a doctor had to sign documents stating that he is not cognizant.

Talk to an Elder Care Attorney so see where you stand on this then listen to what they say are your options and if they say this would be a difficult fight accept that. No lone wants a long drawn out fight...except maybe the lawyers they are the only ones that "win" when it comes to things like this!
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Grandma1954

By reading your comments it seems you are trying to micromanage his wife who spent much more time with him in the past 8 years. A senior advisor costs are irrelevant. The professional did his job in getting a good placement to the circumstances. Wife leaving at a meal drop off is what is recommended with this kind of transfer so don't complain about that. Dad's crying can be a natural pert of the transfer because of the dementia. He is show timing to compensate. The HIPPA rule shut out to you may be because you have been too vocal and making wifey miserable. She is legally his wife and her age means she is competent in her decisions. It also seems that you do jot like her. Well dad made an adult decision 8 years ago when he was competent. WorriedinCali is spot on about how this transfer comes about..

You also mentioned a visitation 2 weeks prior. How often do you visit and what is the distance? Your options can include, is to offer to take him home and provide all carefor him if she agrees. Or you can pay and apply for guardiansip in the state where he lives to take care of everything. However the courts may side with a competent wife. His wife can certainly contest. If you live in another state, this may have more complications.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MACinCT

If he is in MC he has probably been declared incompetent. She may have POA which gives her the authority to act in his best interests. The best you can do is go for guardianship.

I would check and make sure what his policies cover homecare.
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Reply to JoAnn29

First, he wasnt placed by a new wife. They’ve been married 8 years. That’s not new at all. You can’t just be admitted to memory care, you have to meet certain medical requirements. If he qualifies for memory care, he’s not in as great a shape as you think. Home care isn’t an option for everyone, for one thing it’s extremely expensive and for those who can’t afford it, there are medicaid programs but they don’t provide round the clock home care. Living with someone isn’t easy and your FIL is in a safe, controlled environment where he’s receiving the care he needs. Legally, he cannot leave with you. If you think you have what it takes to be a full time caregiver to an elder with dementia, you can seek guardianship through the courts but make sure you know what you are getting yourself in to. I suspect you are wildly unprepared to deal with the sun downing, wandering at night and show timing.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to worriedinCali
Dadmademistake Apr 3, 2020
The memory care he was placed in has only one other resident at his level for him to talk to, which is very difficult. We have befriended one of the night time CNA's and he has attested to this and that he is not ready for this type of care. He does not wander currently and is not aggressive. I know this will be difficult in the near future but our family is up to the challenge. There are 4 of us to help. Even dad states I may need this at some point but not right now. He still has time to be around his family. I do have plenty of experience working with patients with dementia, sundowning, and personal care working with geriatric patients for over 20 years in multiple settings. In my opinion, young brain injury patients are the most difficult to care for safely. We are in contact with an elder law attorney. Again he has 2 long term care policies and money is not an issue for him thankfully. I am very familiar with costs of care but unfortunately not the legal system.
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