My mom is 95yrs. Nearly every time we talk she turns it into an argument. What can I do refrain from egging her on?

There is a saying… Your family can always push your buttons because they are the ones who installed them.

Ah, I had that same problem. IDK why, but my mom was my worst 'trigger'. Not enough therapy in the world to explain to me WHY, but the best thing I ever did was go grey rock with her when she was in 'a mood'.

My girls do this to me. I actually told them to, that if I was bugging them, to not answer my calls or texts and I'd respect the distance until whatever was going on had passed.

I also egged my mom on and I know I made her crazy at times. For that, I am not proud, but by the end of her life, we were on good terms.

You practice active reflective listening:

I hear you saying XXX

So, you feel xxx

I hear you wanting xxx

You do not judge. You reflect her words back to her.

And, equally important, you check yourself - your own feelings and triggers.
And then you step back ... you listen ... then you tell yourself: "she is 95, she is scared, she doesn't feel safe ... she is angry she is so dependant on others ...

Then, with this realization, you develop compassion. And, you respond to her through compassionate presence.

I really feel sad that you feel xxx
I know how hard it is for you to (feel) xxx
I feel xxx (sad), too. I love you.

The best you can do is be an active listener ... so she will know you hear her.
This is the ultimate respect and care you can give her now.
She wants to be heard and know that she matters. Isn't 'just' an old 95 year old that no one listens to.

You do not engage in any arguing at all.

If you do not know how to respond, say:

Good point (acknowledge her / validate her) ...
I'll think about that and get back to you.

(I did this often with my client(s) who had memory loss or advanced dementia.
You don't have to have all the answers on the spot. You acknowlege and leave the door open for future discussion.

This is how you refrain from egging her on.

Listen, respond with companionate reflective listening, check yourself and your automatic responses ... and before they come out, reframe by understanding how she feels about herself. Project yourself into her shoes.
She likely is also depressed.

Try a massage. Massage her hands or head or feet if it feels good to her.
Shift talking to sensation (touch). This is very powerful.

If you are triggered, step back. Take care of yourself.

Gena / Touch Matters

Limit your talks to just once a week and quit "egging her on."
Haven't you learned by now that you'll NEVER win an argument with someone who has dementia?

Call less, visit less. No reason to stir the pot.

Look up grey rock. Grey rock the heck out of her.

It takes two to have an argument, Gary. So you are correct. Don't egg her on.

You mother has Dementia and your previous posts says shevis in an AL. You don't argue back. She can't be reasoned with. Just agree with her. Or let her rant. Ifbit gets too much, leave. Ask the staff if she is like this with them. If the answer is no, then u may be a trigger.

With dementia always meet them where they're at. If they say the moon is pink agree with them. It costs you nothing to let her win every time

You can stop talking to her.

Are you arguing with her because she has a broken brain, and you are trying to "correct" her? That's ridiculous. You can not make a broken brain understand things from your perspective. When she says something that is inaccurate, let it go. You don't need to correct her. It is futile.

If she is argumentative because she's always been that way, then why would you engage? Unless you enjoy the argument, or you feel a need to "win".

Let it go, either way. Change the subject, or just stop talking, or turn around and walk away.