Bigbear304
Asked April 2, 2025
86 year-old wife is in an assisted living facility and is mad at her daughter and me because we won’t give in to her one certain demand.
She is very pleasant with visitors and residents and staff. But when either her daughter or I go to see her, it always results in her demand for either of us to give her debit card to her. And we always refuse because she orders things that she doesn’t need or that doesn’t fit. Now she is telling people that she’s going to get a laptop. But she couldn’t use her desktop computer when she was living at home because she couldn’t remember from day to day how to operate it. If she did happen to get it to work, she would sit for hours looking at AMAZON & TEMU sites, placing orders as she browsed. Occasionally a text would appear with an offer that we knew was usually a scam, but she would believe it and order whatever product they were promoting. So her daughter has taken her iPhone from her and bought a “dumb phone” with no Internet access. But she won’t let her daughter show her how to use it and instead, she immediately begins demanding her debit card. So, after three attempts within the past two weeks to give her the new phone with typed instructions on how to use it, she refuses to take it until she gets that debit card back. She’s behaving like a child who screams, hollers and stomps their feet thinking that we’ll give in. But we’re not going to. She’ll even use someone else’s cellphone or one of the facilities phone to call either of us in hopes we’ll answer. And a couple of times, she has fooled us and we’ve answered, only to be barraged with demands for the card. We both have informed her that if either of us visit her or answer her call, we will leave or hang up as soon as the card is mentioned. And we’re sticking with that. It hurts to have to leave a visit or hang up the phone on my wife or her daughter. But it’s the only way to stop the conversation. We would appreciate any insight as to how we could deal with this situation. It’s been ongoing over three months now. Thanks! Oh, I forgot to mention that her daughter has her mother’s Power of Attorney.
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1. How old is your wife and how long is she diagnosed with dementia?
2. Is your wife in ALF or Memory Care of Nursing Home?
3. If your wife has dementia why does she have access to
A) phones
B) computers
C) credit cards and cash
Your answers will greatly help in our being able to answer for YOU.
I will tell you that in the early stages of his Lewy's Dementia, after my brother made me his POA and Trustee, we set up all bills, credit cards, etc. coming to ME, not to him. He had a small "personal account" he could write out checks for cash when needed, for haircuts, for clothing. That personal account was monitors by me as his POA. I was the only signee on any credit, checking, accounting, stocks, and etc.
Someone who has dementia is no longer capable of executive functioning, nor are they capable of comprehending their inability to remain "in charge of things".
Wishing you the best of luck.
By the way, reason she is "nice" to others and "yells at you" is because she KNOWS you, is COMFORTABLE with you, and need not confabulate. Start watching Teepa Snow videos. Lots of them!
You're already dealing with her bad behavior the right way. When she starts up on the phone, you end the call. If she starts up when you're visiting, you get up and leave.
Now that she's been moved to memory care it would be a good idea for you and her daughter to stay away for a couple weeks. she has to have a chance to acclimate to memory care. If you two are showing up all the time and taking her calls she won't because you two will be the sounding board for her complaints and demands. Give her some time to get used to it.
It may also be a good idea to give the memory care permission to medicate her. When she's acting up and being disruptive, she'll benefit from an anti-anxiety medication. A medication that can be given to her only when needed. Something like lorazepam or xanax. Just to calm her down.
Dementia is a terrible disease. Terrible for the person with it and the people who love them. Give her some time and give yourselves some time away from her.
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Keep your resolve, know that you and your daughter are doing the right thing...for her.
Sending support your way!
I'm amazed Mom hasn't contacted her Bank and ordered a new Debit card. Have you prevented that? If not, you need to do that ASAP.
She is clearly mad her shopping habit has been cut. I love Amazon myself, so it would be a hard habit to break! Even if you gave her a lower limit Debit card, she would have it increased already! She is stuck on a "Shopping Loop" and it will take some firm boundaries, for however long it takes.
I've been a longtime shopaholic myself, so I know online shopping (especially Amazon and Temu) were probably her only source of fun and excitement at her age. But it can get out of control and very expensive quickly, if you aren't a good money manager, which dementia patients are NOT. She must be very BORED at the AL. Hopefully she can find a new activity instead of shopping. Maybe bring her a paint by numbers kit, or some similar harmless activity she may like. She may throw it at you! An I-Pad without Internet could work, if she doesn't throw it against the wall!
It won't be the thrill of Amazon, which is similar to a gambling addiction. My Ex lost over $200K with his gambling addiction. You must prevent this at all costs. Hopefully Mom gets beyond the Debit card obsession loop soon. Good luck!
Last year I had suspected my Mom was ordering random stuff from Amazon and Temu (makeup, jewelry, small gadgets, etc.) and not remembering because she had a garage sale and there were a ton of new things she was getting rid of. It would appear she'd order things, forget she had done it, call her credit card company and claim fraudulent transactions, get refunded, then do it all over again!!!
Perhaps each time you go to visit her bring her a little gift, or knick-knack.
Good luck.
I mean what harm could that cause? Since she enjoys doing a little shopping that would allow her to still do something she enjoys. And you can tell her that the bank has lowered her credit limit so you don't get in trouble for doing so. Yes, you'll have to tell her a "fiblet" about that, but who cares.
I guess I look at this a bit differently as I know that as folks gets older, often they don't have much in their lives that bring them joy, so what harm can it cause her at this time to allow her the joy of shopping?
Because if in fact she has dementia, you know that this too shall pass and there will come a day when she won't even know that she's in the world, and won't care one bit about shopping.
So I will just say....choose your battles wisely.
Sorry to say you have to put up with the demands, but you do not have to give into the demands.
When she begins a verbal tirade you hand up or if you are visiting you leave.
Is it possible that she should be in Memory Care and not Assisted Living?