Both parents were diagnosed with dementia 18 months ago. Declining quickly and it’s time to get them into a MCU.
Have signed the papers but have no idea how to get them to go in. I feel bad tricking them. But they are adamant about not going to one and are getting very loud and nasty which is triggering my siblings. Help!
As one who “tricked” her mom, i do not feel bad for having done so. My mom could no longer be safe alone or in my home due to her advancing dementia. I told her she was going to rehab for three weeks.
She has no concept of time anymore so a year has passed and she is in full time MC. She believes she has been there about a week and she is ready to go home. I tell her that I understand.
She does not remember how she got there or blame me for it. Since my siblings do not visit her, I thought it would be hard but she seeks sympathy from me and I give her that. I know she wants to go home but it is not possible. I sold her home to pay for her care. We have become the parent and even when it is hard, we must do the right thing. I would rather my mom long to go home than to lie in the floor waiting for help because she has fallen and can’t call for help.
MCU so Memory Care, correct? Please realize that MC is by & large run as Assistant Living facility but with a locked and higher level of security for their residents. I’d suggest that you have a medical “at need” assessment done for each of them. These usually done by a two person team of a RN with gerontology training and a Social Worker. Done so that you & the facility can be more realistic as to IF they are each 100% suitable for Memory Care OR if they are both better off for skilled nursing care in a NH or if it’s 1 is ok for MC and the other is definitely skilled care in a NH that is needed.
The idea of having to separate them is probably not at all what you want to do, but often that is what ends up happening. Or they both go into MC but the MC does add on charges for the 1 who is more at need for skilled care or the opposite that they both go into skilled even tho 1 not truly needing a SNF. A lot of what is feasible becomes very interdependent on how they will be paying for their care. If this is going to be private pay, the facilities will do whatever is reasonable for a care plan that can be used for both of them.
If you are hoping that LTC Medicaid program is going to pay for their stay, Medicaid will do an assessment and will not cover a NH custodial stay unless each is very much determined to be medically needing that higher level of care. For LTC Medicaid paying for AL/MC, this done via a waiver program utilizing funding from the SNF /NH LTC Medicaid program which ends up being most States do not bother with waivers and those that do have a limited # of facilities that participate in the waiver system. Trying to find a MC with not 1 but 2 open and available waivers beds likely will not be easy,
Having an assessment done enables you and them to plan better.
Just like a child that does not want to go to school or to the store your parents are going to "kick and scream". I bet you did the same thing when you were little and they wanted to go somewhere and you didn't...I bet you ended up going.
Placing them in MC is for them, for their safety. So don't feel bad getting them to go anyway you can. If that means "tricking" them so be it.
You could tell them that the house needs repairs and they can not be there when the work is done. You could tell them that they are going to "rehab" until the doctor says they can come home. This is then "open ended" as to duration. They are no longer in the capacity to make sound decisions for themselves so it is up to you and your siblings to make those decisions. (I do hope one of you is POA so you can legally make those decisions more easily)
I think you may need to discuss with their MD and arrange a sort of medical transport to their new living facility. I would not lie with them. There may be a good deal of acting out and consternation dependent on where they are in the dementia cycle. I think that the facility will ask you not to visit for some time and this is a good way to get the dust settled. Do understand that when you DO return to visit you will be seen as the means of escape, and there will be a lot of fury when you explain that this is "home now" for the duration, and that it saddens you all and is worth mourning.
I would work with the facility and with their caregiver medical team; this may require medication, dependent and time will tell. Expect the unexpected. This is a very difficult time for them. I am so sorry.
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She has no concept of time anymore so a year has passed and she is in full time MC. She believes she has been there about a week and she is ready to go home. I tell her that I understand.
She does not remember how she got there or blame me for it. Since my siblings do not visit her, I thought it would be hard but she seeks sympathy from me and I give her that. I know she wants to go home but it is not possible. I sold her home to pay for her care. We have become the parent and even when it is hard, we must do the right thing. I would rather my mom long to go home than to lie in the floor waiting for help because she has fallen and can’t call for help.
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The idea of having to separate them is probably not at all what you want to do, but often that is what ends up happening. Or they both go into MC but the MC does add on charges for the 1 who is more at need for skilled care or the opposite that they both go into skilled even tho 1 not truly needing a SNF. A lot of what is feasible becomes very interdependent on how they will be paying for their care. If this is going to be private pay, the facilities will do whatever is reasonable for a care plan that can be used for both of them.
If you are hoping that LTC Medicaid program is going to pay for their stay, Medicaid will do an assessment and will not cover a NH custodial stay unless each is very much determined to be medically needing that higher level of care. For LTC Medicaid paying for AL/MC, this done via a waiver program utilizing funding from the SNF /NH LTC Medicaid program which ends up being most States do not bother with waivers and those that do have a limited # of facilities that participate in the waiver system. Trying to find a MC with not 1 but 2 open and available waivers beds likely will not be easy,
Having an assessment done enables you and them to plan better.
Placing them in MC is for them, for their safety. So don't feel bad getting them to go anyway you can. If that means "tricking" them so be it.
You could tell them that the house needs repairs and they can not be there when the work is done.
You could tell them that they are going to "rehab" until the doctor says they can come home. This is then "open ended" as to duration.
They are no longer in the capacity to make sound decisions for themselves so it is up to you and your siblings to make those decisions.
(I do hope one of you is POA so you can legally make those decisions more easily)
I would not lie with them. There may be a good deal of acting out and consternation dependent on where they are in the dementia cycle. I think that the facility will ask you not to visit for some time and this is a good way to get the dust settled. Do understand that when you DO return to visit you will be seen as the means of escape, and there will be a lot of fury when you explain that this is "home now" for the duration, and that it saddens you all and is worth mourning.
I would work with the facility and with their caregiver medical team; this may require medication, dependent and time will tell. Expect the unexpected. This is a very difficult time for them. I am so sorry.