My husband’s Alzheimer’s took a turn for the worse about six weeks ago. One day he seemed OK and stable and the next hard time walking , combative and just not the same. He was able to walk, take a shower and communicate somewhat the day before. He just changed suddenly.
His doctor said to get him to the emergency immediately for tests of stroke, but there was no stroke no infections, no seizures he was released from the hospital after 4 days. I now have him in a memory care facility close to our home. He does have physical therapy come twice a week. It is a fairly nice facility, and he is cared for. The food doesn’t seem that great.
Now he seems continent but unable to do much for himself. I feel very guilty leaving him there. I am old myself, and not sure of taking him home even if I get around the clock care would be the right move. He doesn’t seem unhappy at the facility, but there is a sadness there. Has anyone taken their loved one home for a few hours during the day and brought them back to the facility at dinner time not sure that would help or confuse him. Help at 75.
Have ANY of those factors changed for the BETTER?
Is he going to be safer at home?
The fact that he is content where he is makes it so much easier for both of you.
At this point he is not asking to go home.
You are not your "old self" again.
You are a loving wife that has a spouse in Memory Care. You are now going to have to manage his care. You are going to have to make sure that he is taken care of. But you can be his WIFE again. Not the person changing his soiled briefs, PJ's and bed clothes. When you visit you can take a walk with him, sit and have a lunch, watch a movie, whatever he wants to do. Hold his hand and just be.
You will be lost for a while. This change is harder on you then on him.
The "sadness" that you see in him may not be sadness but with dementia emotions are lost and this is Apathy. The emotions of joy, sadness, love are very much diminished if not lost all together.
Do not take him home for a few hours. Do not take him home at all. Routine is SO important for people with dementia/alz. Taking him during the day would make YOU feel better, but would make him worse. You love him too much to do that.
My mom-in-law had to place her mom in assisted living. It was a nice place, very clean and caring staff. But my MIL felt guilty, as is to be expected. So she would take her mother to lunch or drive around for a bit. It soon backfired. Her mother would panic that “the hotel” wouldn’t let her back inside, that they’d been out of town, thought they were moving away. When she took her back to the AL, she was disoriented. Couldn’t remember where her bathroom was, took clothes out of her drawers because she was ‘unpacking’. In her mind, she’d been gone two weeks, not two hours. They don’t process time normally anymore.
This is a huge adjustment for both of you. It takes time. He will acclimate and so will you.
You love him enough to make sure he gets the 24/7 care he needs. What would be wrong is insisting you can still do it all— at the expense of both of your lives.
I am so sorry, but don't go back on this. Give yourself a time frame of three months and then reassess your feelings, his adjustment, and the known future coming.
I, personally, would not bring him back home for any reason. Every time you have to 'return' him back to the NH, it will bring back all the sad feelings-and since you say he seems content--why not let it be?
You BOTH need to adapt, so take time to do so.
Don't let GUILT rule your thoughts and actions. What you are really feeling is GRIEF that is totally normal and to be expected. You're going to be OK.
((Hugs))
Especially with Alzheimer's, his care needs are going to quickly exceed your ability to meet them. Trying to manage him at home will only add desperation and exhaustion and could easily become unsafe for both of you.
If you can visit without carrying the burden of indecision and doubt, enjoy the visit, take him some food if there is something special he would like, kiss him "goodbye" and say "See you tomorrow" as though it's the most normal situation in the world.
You will be doing a kindness for both of you.
I don't suggest bringing him back home out of guilt. Stay strong.
Don’t second guess yourself. Stand by the choice that you made. Flip flopping isn’t the solution for the questions that you have about what is best for your husband.
It’s obvious how much you care about your husband. Give yourself time to adjust. He is where he needs to be.
Guilt is a self-imposed emotion that will do nothing but keep you stuck. You did the best you could, accept the reality of the situation.
He is where he needs to be.
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