My husband’s Alzheimer’s took a turn for the worse about six weeks ago. One day he seemed OK and stable and the next hard time walking , combative and just not the same. He was able to walk, take a shower and communicate somewhat the day before. He just changed suddenly.
His doctor said to get him to the emergency immediately for tests of stroke, but there was no stroke no infections, no seizures he was released from the hospital after 4 days. I now have him in a memory care facility close to our home. He does have physical therapy come twice a week. It is a fairly nice facility, and he is cared for. The food doesn’t seem that great.
Now he seems continent but unable to do much for himself. I feel very guilty leaving him there. I am old myself, and not sure of taking him home even if I get around the clock care would be the right move. He doesn’t seem unhappy at the facility, but there is a sadness there. Has anyone taken their loved one home for a few hours during the day and brought them back to the facility at dinner time not sure that would help or confuse him. Help at 75.
It still is very hard for me to visit him every day for an hour or less and to make sure he is being cared for. It's not the best place in the world but, it's not the worst place either. He's safe and I can afford to pay for his care. They are always short staffed. I give him a shower and change his bed when I see that it won't get done. I would say to you do not take him home. I have not taken my husband to our home because it would be very sad for him because I know he wants to come home. I wish he could, but I know he can't. I do take him out for lunch once in a while and he enjoys that and sometimes for ice cream.
Sometimes I just feel like giving up, but I know I can't I have to be sure he's ok and being care for. I'm all he has to be sure he's taken care of.
You are on a very long sad journey that's heartbreaking. I'm on that same journey too. So, I do understand how you feel.
Sending lots of hugs and prayers to you.
God Bless and remember to take care of yourself too.
I'm beginning to understand why there is sometimes violence in these homes
You did the right thing for his safety and yours. If taking him out does not seem to work, visit him there often so you feel better about it. I’m guessing he is not as sad as he looks.💕
It's one thing for instance, if a person is mentally healthy and living in assisted living and likes the place. They can go visit their previous residence and come back to their new residence without a problem.
But with dementia, people get distressed easily, especially as it advances. Taking him home, will cause unnecessary distress when taking him back to the facility. And even at home, he'll still have the same mental symptoms.
It's better to bring things from home to him so he feels at home
You miss him.
You love him.
Dementia / the brain changing is often un predicable. One day they seem okay, the next minute, hour or day, no.
Try to keep yourself busy / occupied more when at home alone as this is such a change for you. Do what brings you moments of diversion / enjoyment so your mind can focus on other things. This is NOT to avoid thinking of him, it is to support YOU to feel better about you in all ways, psychological emotional physical.
With time you will adjust.
From what I've heard, it is 'best' to let the person adjust to their new surroundings (so I wouldn't personally take him home). It might confuse him or he may think he is 'home' for good ... or he may wonder "where am I?"
Ask the facility for support / suggestions. Most / some will tell you NOT to visit for 2-3-4 weeks. You need to do what you feel is best for both of you, although think of him first. Perhaps bring dinner to his room.
Remind yourself - often - that you made this decision to place him out of love and for his well being and safety. You are 75 and need to take care of yourself. And, do cry, journal/write - whatever helps you process through. Write us here often. We are here for you.
Gena / Touch Matters. P.S. With my companion/friend of 20+ years, I visited him 3-4 (sometimes perhaps 5) times a week in a nursing home. I arranged for socialization / volunteers to fill in most of the other days. I always took him his favorite foods at dinner time (so he could eat good food that he liked). I was exhausted for two years ... although I kept going. I also managed all his legal affairs (as, of course, you are doing). I couldn't kiss him enough when visiting nor take enough photos. I made the most of those days / years. He knew he was loved. And, that is enough for me - to remember him over these past six months since he departed.
The way I sold MC to my Mom was....I'm still going to be with you for all your doctor's visits and I'll take you on errands and go do things. However, I no longer will have to find caregivers to take care of you nightly.
So, I would suggest exactly what you are thinking of doing. Take your loved one out, go out to lunch, or breakfast, or.... If there is room for a table in the room, bring food with you and eat together especially since food is usually the highlight of their day.
There is only one golden rule....make it a repeatable routine. While people are in MC, they lose track of time and repeatable routine makes one feel more in control. So decide what you want to do, then do it.
In addition, I would try to see if there are any scheduled activities. I know that my Mom loves the weekly van rides. So, I purposely do not schedule going to see her close to that activity so that she can go on those rides. The MC posts a monthly calendar and sticks pretty close to it.
You can do this! Use the time you are away from him as a time to refresh, be perky and alert, with a optimistic attitude when you go and see him.
Get yourself emotional, spiritual grief support to further assist you with your own self care during this life change .
I was in the same position that you are in. My husband exhibited the same behaviors which could change in a matter of minutes. It was shocking, hurtful, disrespectful, frustrating, and sad. I took my husband to a memory care and put him on Seroquel. After 2 months, all symptoms disappeared - along with $30,000 to memory care facility. I was again shocked, hurt, frustrated, and sad that the healthcare system in the US was so crappy. You are covered by Medicaid if you are poor, and you are covered if you are rich with deep pockets. But the middle class is screwed. So I took my husband home after 2 months and set up caregivers to be with him when I am at work. It’s been wonderful and a lot cheaper too. He’s getting 1-on-1 care by the caregivers, in his familiar surroundings, not abused or neglected, and best of all, I get to decide how he should be cared for. Your decisions are hindered by the facility’s rules and policies when your husband is in a facility. There’s only so much you can say how your husband should be cared at a facility.
I vote for setting up a care system in place and bringing him home. You will eat better, sleep better, and carry on without regrets or worries.
Best of luck.
loved one … it means you’re a good person and you love your husband.
You need to make decisions for both of you now… and you’ve got to consider the safest and best care for both of you.
you should visit every day or as often as you can … take him on outings .. mall … parks…ice cream … lunch…
haircut … pedicure … whatever… bring home favourite foods and eat
together. Spend time with him participate in group activity… etc etc
that sad look is not really sad but blank stare caused by dementia .
and the guilt is something we all live with but know you’re still looking after him by providing probably better care and safety…. For both of you .
best
You can take them out to come home and visit. Especially for holidays and special events. Don't leave them in there all the time.
In fact if you can, please look at bringing him back home and getting some in-home care for him if you need help. There are programs out there to help with in-home care too.
My aunt has stated she wants to stay in her home and NEVER go into a nursing home. I agree with her 100%. Dumping someone into these places is like a death sentence. Far better to be with the ones you love. That is how it used to be when I was young. I'd rather be home with the people who truly care about me. Not people who don't care about you and drug you, sometimes even abuse and neglect you.
I know your heart is in the right place, but I think that this answer is just going to make the OP feel worse.
In a perfect world, our elders would age gracefully and beautifully. Having them at home would be an addition to our families...but
so many of us are dealing with elders who desire to 'age at home' and many, many lives are required to shore up that 'fantasy'.
Many of us have elders who are angry, demanding and ungrateful. My DH carries incredible guilt around with him b/c he HAS to care for his mother in her home and he hates every single second of it. It's going into month 9 of constant, unrelenting care. He's exhausted/ I'm exhausted b/c I worry about him so much.
My MIL THINKS she is living independently, when nothing could be further from the truth. MANY lives have been put on hold so she can pretend to be independent.
And the staff of any NH cannot 'sedate' someone into oblivion--this all has to be done through a Drs' oversight.
Often an elderly person is combative and physically assaultive. There's no joy in living with someone who is as likely to punch you in the face as they are to give you a hug.
I respect your big heart--but keeping LO's at home is often simply...impossible. And it's not always the best thing for ANYBODY in those cases.
Of course you feel sadness and the facility he’s in seems sad. You now live apart and that’s hard.
Just know that he is safe and well cared for in ways you can’t do. But what you can do is visit and spend time being his loving companion rather than be a nurse, therapist, nutritionist, Dr, counselor, chambermaid, cook, entertainer and whatever else you had to do. Take this time for yourself to keep yourself healthy so you can spend some time with him as a loving couple.
Don't feel guilty you have him in the right place believe me.
Prayers
I don't suggest bringing him back home out of guilt. Stay strong.
I hired an extra caregiver and she is great even though I will go broke in a couple of years. My husband has never ask to come home and maybe you will have that same level of comfort. Yesterday my husband seemed sad and of course that makes me sad. Prayers are with you.
Especially with Alzheimer's, his care needs are going to quickly exceed your ability to meet them. Trying to manage him at home will only add desperation and exhaustion and could easily become unsafe for both of you.
If you can visit without carrying the burden of indecision and doubt, enjoy the visit, take him some food if there is something special he would like, kiss him "goodbye" and say "See you tomorrow" as though it's the most normal situation in the world.
You will be doing a kindness for both of you.
I agree with others that taking him home is not a good idea. Maybe, you could bring a special lunch to him twice a week. It could be a "date". Fix or buy some of his favorite foods.
Best wishes.
Despite whatever ailments the resident has, the caregiver must be able to manage at home for the day/weekend solo - inclinding;
- mobility
- toileting
- behaviour
PLUS if they both are OK to return to the facility without causing distress.
Day/weekend leave was suggested to me for my LO (in respite care). When I explained the tears & tantrums beforehand & also on arrival, the stubborness & upset the Head RN said "I see. No home visits then. Would be too distressing to everyone".
I suppose you could try it once or twice as a trial? Ensure you have a plan to for transport back if it doesn't work out.
I am so sorry, but don't go back on this. Give yourself a time frame of three months and then reassess your feelings, his adjustment, and the known future coming.
Guilt is a self-imposed emotion that will do nothing but keep you stuck. You did the best you could, accept the reality of the situation.
He is where he needs to be.
Don’t second guess yourself. Stand by the choice that you made. Flip flopping isn’t the solution for the questions that you have about what is best for your husband.
It’s obvious how much you care about your husband. Give yourself time to adjust. He is where he needs to be.
Do not take him home for a few hours. Do not take him home at all. Routine is SO important for people with dementia/alz. Taking him during the day would make YOU feel better, but would make him worse. You love him too much to do that.
My mom-in-law had to place her mom in assisted living. It was a nice place, very clean and caring staff. But my MIL felt guilty, as is to be expected. So she would take her mother to lunch or drive around for a bit. It soon backfired. Her mother would panic that “the hotel” wouldn’t let her back inside, that they’d been out of town, thought they were moving away. When she took her back to the AL, she was disoriented. Couldn’t remember where her bathroom was, took clothes out of her drawers because she was ‘unpacking’. In her mind, she’d been gone two weeks, not two hours. They don’t process time normally anymore.
This is a huge adjustment for both of you. It takes time. He will acclimate and so will you.
You love him enough to make sure he gets the 24/7 care he needs. What would be wrong is insisting you can still do it all— at the expense of both of your lives.