Find Senior Care (City or Zip)
Join Now Log In
D
Dave1272375 Asked March 2023

Dad’s anger has come out of nowhere. He’s terrorizing the household. Any insights or suggestions?

Hi all,


My dad was diagnosed with dementia last week. Although his memory is still pretty decent, his anger, aggression and controlling behaviors have exploded out of the gate. He’s always been pretty moody and could be hard to get along with, but he tried to understand the other side. He was essentially his old self until about 2 months ago, when this seething anger came out. He does get mad at my mom for not doing enough for him (and she’s basically handled everything responsible in his life for him), but I’m the real, constant target of his rage. I’m his son who moved in with them when my health took a bad turn a few years ago.


When he’s in a bad mood, he literally screams at me and dresses me down, and he seems to enjoy it. That or I get the silent treatment. I’m not doing anything to spark his moods either. His bad moods last about 2 weeks long. Luckily we got about a month break between bad moods until the current phase started last week. I’m tired of constantly hiding in my room and walking on eggshells in this house. I’m trying to move out (my mom really wants me to stay so she’s not alone with him) but my source of income is SSDI, which I believe but can’t prove is why I’m not getting a place. Everything changes during my interactions with the landlords when that comes up.


He has complete control over my mom now. She’s now spending every waking moment with him. He insists he go with her everywhere she goes but the majority of their time is spent watching what he wants to watch on tv.


Thanks for letting me vent. Any help dealing with this for me or mom would be appreciated.

NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
I’m so sorry about your situation with your dad. If you are in a situation where you are able to walk away, then leave the room when he acts out with you. Take mom with you.

Can your dad be left alone or does he need continual supervision? Can you hire someone to help for awhile? Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area? They will do a needs assessment for your father.

Have you shared this information with his doctor? Is he on any medications?

I’m very sorry about your health issues.

You can start looking for a facility to place your father and then you won’t have to be concerned about your mom.

You can look into low income housing for yourself. Or share expenses with a roommate or two.

Wishing you and your family well.

Grandma1954 Mar 2023
Honestly if you were to move I would be afraid for your mom.
If at anytime you feel frightened for your safety or your moms you NEED to call 911. Explain the situation to the dispatcher. Tell them that you are afraid for your safety.
Have you, actually your mom, talked to dad's doctor and described the outbursts? There are medications that can help with the anger, anxiety,.
Is your dad a Veteran? If so the VA might be of help. Contact the local Veterans Assistance Commission, the VA or even the VFW and see what help might be available.
The big problem might be that if he needs to be placed in a Memory Care facility most will not take a resident that has had a violent outburst within the past 90 days (this is the number of days I have been told by several people it might be different in other areas or with other facilities)
Again...do not be afraid to call 911 if you feel your safety is at risk or your mom's.

ADVERTISEMENT


Geaton777 Mar 2023
Are either you or your Mom his PoA? If so and he now has a medical diagnosis of dementia, the authority if probably now legally active. This means taking the paperwork to his doctor and his bank so the PoA can start managing.

I would have a conversation with his doctor about his anger, aggression and anxiety. His dementia doesn't really allow him to correct himself on the spot anymore. His wanting to be with your Mom al the time is called Shadowing and is a very common phase of dementia.

He should be checked for a UTI, a very common infection in the elderly that can ramp up dementia symptoms.

You will need to learn strategies, like redirecting, when he becomes obnoxious. If he ever threatens you or your Mom verbally or physically you must call 911 right away, even if your Mom doesn't want you to. At the hospital, there may be opportunities to help him that you won't get at home since he doesn't cooperate.

If no one is his PoA... this is a very different situation. Please let us know if there is one or not so we can give you different suggestions.

JoAnn29 Mar 2023
Your Dad needs to be evaluated by what type of Dementia he has so he can receive the right medications. I would say he may have frontal lobe which is the worst IMO. It effects where our emotions are. He could get violent. If he hits u or Mom or tears the house apart call 911 and tell them you and Mom are afraid of him. Do not allow him back in the house until he has been evaluated by a Neurologist orca Psychiatrist and he is put on meds.

I hope a neurologist gave him a diagnosis and not his PCP. He needs a neurologist. But even a PCP may be able to give him some kind of med to calm him down. Like suggested, should be checked for a UTI.

freqflyer Mar 2023
Dave1272375, since these outbursts are new, it could be a case of an Urinary Tract Infection [UTI]. Such an infection in an older person can make one have outburst, be angry, and even mimic dementia.

Your Dad's primary doctor, or even Urgent Care, can quickly run a test for a UTI. Test is simple for Dad, all he needs to do is pee in a cup. If it does turn out to be in infection, it can be controlled with antibiotics.

JeanLouise Mar 2023
Getting your own place and a job will establish independence and control of your own life. It’s time.

AlvaDeer Mar 2023
Has your Mom considered that it may be Dad who needs to move and that move being into care. He is likely, if he has a dementia that manifests in this way (and some do) to get only worse. She will eventually be unable to care for him. I do not know what powers of attorney exist for her, but guardianship over him would not be difficult to get from an attorney and she would need to see one in any case to discuss division of assets so that his own can care for him, while hers are protected.

You Dad is likely to need care which includes managing medications for the rest of his life. Your Mom and you together cannot manage this, and may go down with him if he stays in the home.

If your Mom cannot bring herself to do this then I am afraid you are left, despite your small income, to find a way to get your own living situation, whether a trailer or a room in someone's home. This isn't going to be a livable situation, and I am so sorry. I hope that you have a social worker involved in your own chronic illness and for your own needs who may give you good guidance for your own situation. I wish you the best. The only other option I can think of is medications for Dad now; discussion with him and his wife and doc appropriate there.

ADVERTISEMENT

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter