Find Senior Care (City or Zip)
Join Now Log In
O
OutOfEgypt Asked October 2022

How to deal with anxiety and guilt over not being able to remove impaired medical POA for my elderly mother?

Hi everyone,
First, to all those who are on this often lonely scary journey of caregiving, you are ALL in my prayers. I am so thankful for your stories of hope, courage, and the encouragement you all give to the group members. To those of you who are just starting this journey, may I offer one bit of hard earned wisdom:
If you are asked to help in the caregiving of a loved one, especially with regards to decision making, either take it ALL on (financial AND medical POA) or take on NONE of the decision making, and just love that person and help in some other way. I have served as the financial POA for 10 years or so. Thankfully, my older brother will be taking that over soon. However, we are currently attempting to have my younger sibling removed from healthcare POA duties because, due to his unstable erratic behavior due to end stage alcoholism, he is NOT acting in my mother's best interests, and has fought us every step of the way to help her get appropriate safe care as an Alzheimer’s patient. I have spent money talking to her elder law attorney, her neurologist, hospice staff, etc. to no avail. She is no longer deemed competent to change the designation. She states that "he takes very good care of me" even though he has repeatedly made medical decisions that have put her financial security at risk- withdrawing her from an insurance funded rehab facility after a broken pelvis prematurely. We had to get 24/7 home care which is only minimally covered. My mother has to listen to drunken verbal altercations between he and his wife that go on until the wee hours of the morning, people who alternately ignore her or boss her around. Did I mention they live there rent free and have for 8 years? :( I have been told that these issues are not enough to warrant APS intervention. I have notified her elder law attorney, her medical staff, etc. I cannot move my mother into an ALF because he refuses, and if I upset him, he will remove the home care folks entirely just because he can. She needs them to just have a way to socialize and get out and about when I am not in her home state. I am not in a position to take her to live with me, and she has appropriate resources to go to a very nice ALF- Memory Care facility, but he refuses and gets in a rage at the very suggestion. My momma just wants to keep him happy. I have been told that I have done everything that I can do, and I truly believe that to be the case based on my conversations with her doctor, her attorney, and my colleagues who have worked for APS. So how do I live out the Serenity Prayer over this? I cannot go on like I am. I have never suffered from actual depression or anxiety disorders but as a person with a background in counseling and behavioral health, I recognize the symptoms, and I am truly scared I am falling into that black pit. Thank you for hearing me out. I know that my Redeemer liveth. I know that Jesus is with me and will see me through. But I will happily listen to any of you folks who have come out on the other side of these feelings as well. Thank you and may God bless.

OutOfEgypt Jan 2023
Hi Everyone!
Thank you for being there and for the helpful suggestions. Great news! After showing my alchoholic sibling and his equally impaired wife the cost differential for the 24/7 home care that we had to have just to try to keep Momma safe, and then showing them the cost for an excellent facility nearby, I was able to convince them that it was in EVERYONE'S best interests to allow Momma to go to this great facility. Basically, since Brother and SIL are living at Momma's rent free and have been for 6 years, it came down to my statement- "When the money's gone, so are you." At a speed just shy of warp 10, they signed the paperwork and we got Momma moved into a great Senior Living Community, where my momma is thriving! Never underestimate the power of prayer! Thank you again everyone!
lealonnie1 Jan 2023
Money talks. Great idea OutOfEgypt!! Good luck to you & your mom and I'm happy she's thriving in her Senior living community!
JoAnn29 Oct 2022
If Mom has the funds they can be used to obtain Guardianship. If
Mom has Dementia, she cannot assign older brother to be POA. He would need to be secondary with you stepping down at least.

So u or other brother should go for Guardianship which will override any POA. Then get Mom placed. Evict brother and sell her house to help pay for her AL/MC.

ADVERTISEMENT


MJ1929 Oct 2022
Do you know if your brother gets drunk every night or at any particular time of day? If so, contact the police for a welfare check around that time and tell them your dependent mother is in there with a violent drunk. That might take care of things to have a report on that in hand.

ConnieCaretaker Oct 2022
You might want to make an appointment at the police department to find out if any of your brother's actions qualify for elder abuse charges or domestic violence (DV). You might want to ask that Elder Law Attorney if there is a clause about dereliction of duty (POA) if the person is not mentally stable. Could your other brother get any video on the guy?

Geaton (below) has some insight into guardianship that may just be the solution: talk to the Elder Law Attorney about that too.

Geaton777 Oct 2022
I'm sorry for all this family chaos and your Mom as the prime victim. Your best and fastest recourse will be to engage a certified elder law attorney who may recommend going through the guardianship process. Your brother being a drunk, and assuming your Mother has an actual medical diagnosis of ALZ or dementia in her records, should be enough for any court to award responsibility to someone else. Maybe discuss emergency guardianship with social services or lawyer. I wish you a speedy and smooth transition.

ADVERTISEMENT

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter