My so-called brother is 6 years older than me. Now that our parents are both gone, he is creating a lot of havoc regarding their estate. Mind you, I am the listed executor in the will. That aside, he has been insulting, rude and plain old rotten to me on and off for several years now. Why? Truly, I don't really know, and I don't care anymore. The relationship is a like a roller coaster ride, lots of ups & downs over & over again. We will get along, things are fine, more or less then something will happen, I stand up for myself, and then he retreats and stops communicating with me until months have passed. Then little by little we are talking again & getting along, until the next incident occurs. Very cyclical and predictable. I am not the one who has a problem with him, but he certainly has one with me. Just recently we were going thru my parents' house, deciding to sell furniture, have an estate sale, he was helping me, and we were getting along great for once. I thought it was weird he was being so nice to me to be honest. But, when it came time to sign a waiver for a hearing for me to be appointed as executor, communication ceased. He has hired a lawyer and is delaying the probate process, demanding bank statements otherwise he will not sign the waiver, not to mention incurring additional legal fees that we don't need. I have been so distressed over this, that I was severely depressed for about a week, crying for days on end. I am very emotional and sensitive. My mother passed away 2 months ago so I am very sad and vulnerable emotionally as it is. So, I have decided that going forward I don't want to have any relationship with him. I want to permanently sever the ties. I don't want him to have so much power over me that I crumble and fall apart from his actions. I do care about him, but I just can't continue in any relationship with him. Of course, he isn't talking to me now anyway, since he got a lawyer involved. And more than likely will continue to cause problems with probate. Our relationship will probably be over anyway, but I don't want him to have such a hold on me. It is sad, because I lost both my parents and now I have to lose him too. But, I have decided it is necessary. Any thoughts on how you stop caring about someone and disconnect emotionally? Thank you.
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Stop engaging with your brother. Recognize that you love him but don't like him and stop talking to him. Don't initiate contact - easy now that he's lawyered up - and don't answer his attempts at contact. Just have your lawyer do it for you.
Your brother sounds like a manipulative person who also has a need to control the other person in a relationship. It's unhealthy for you to be in any relationship with someone like him. So just stop and recognize that this is the pattern you have with him because you keep going back for more. He wouldn't be able to treat you the way he does if you don't engage.
You cannot have a healthy relationship with him. He's just not capable of it with you. Perhaps, it's also that way in his other relationships, but that's not your problem. Your problem is how he treats you. So, just consider him dead to you, mourn the loss, and move on with your life.
To my mind any but legal communications needs to stop now, as it will just muddy the waters with someone this "unpredictable" as you call him, and unstable as I would call him. To me, blood is NOT thicker than water when it comes to relatives. If they are good people they are my friends and family. If they are not, then they are not.
Keep this in the hands of your attorney and tell you brother that until the estate is settled and distributed as your parents asked YOU to do it, there will be ZERO communications other than through attorneys. Tell your attorney that you want to person who PREVAILS in court to have all court cost paid by the troublemaker (that's him).
I had a marvelous brother. I cannot imagine having one that is like having a "your worst enemy" while I am grieving my parent and trying to implement their wishes by their will.
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Next, get yourself an experienced attorney as well if you haven't already. Your lawyer will be able to accurrately guide you as to whether you need to be concerned about your brother's actions or not. After all, he has to have proof of some sort of illegal activity on your part. What's going on with your brother is greed, and you can't fix that in him. So protect yourself and call his bluff.
I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom, and also sorry that your brother has revealed himself as such a greedy jerk. We don't get to pick our family members but we do get to choose if and how we engage with them. Wishing you courage, clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you move forward.
Glad to see you are getting therapy. I have chuckled with others like me who have also sought therapy that isn't it peculiar people who are needing therapy about people who should be going to therapy?!
At 60 years old, I have experienced a similar relationship as you have--my brother is 16 months older than me. I think it started when I grew taller than him in the 10th grade and I went to college and he didn't....that is the tip of the issues. I have come to terms that my brother suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I did not realize it until I read about it in another post in a private caregiver support group.
My values have always been to love and respect family. Be a role model for your own children. In result I have endured a very toxic relationship for most of my life with my brother. But after therapy, I came to the realization that the toxicity is too much to manage and is doing more damage than good. Therefore, I back away from him and only communicate through his wife for any care issues with my mom. He fought back many times with my decision to only communicate with my sister in law until he gave up and retreated. I must tell you---I have never felt so good. My mother still gets the best care we can give her (he is a local "caregiver" who really does not do much and I am a long distance caregiver).
My brother has made it clear to me he resents my parents made me POA, Health proxy, and executor. He has some mental issues for sure. He is toxic. These are facts. I have learned that they are not my issues. They are his. And if I see it clearly this way, then others do as well like his own kids who I hope to keep a good relationship with . Time will tell. But for now, my sanity is intact, I am very positive, and every day is a great day knowing I will not experience unwanted and dangerous toxicity.
I hope you will discover the same.
Thanks for sharing.
I’m sorry for your loss and to hear the way he’s acting. This is so common in families. I wish you the best of luck moving on
Phooey.
Do not respond any more. It drives me nuts when people especially women call the person they don't want to speak with just to tell them that they are not going to speak to them. Not classy. It screams maybe he'll be nice to me this time. Make me crazy.
Shut that door!!!
If you must make one last utterance, tell him - "Listen, when you're ready to stop wasting our money to your lawyer who will stretch this forever, not for you but for his own benefit, contact me". Or "Only call me when you are serious about not syphoning our parent's money into your lawyers bank". Or give him your lawyer's number and tell him, "In the interest of getting this over and done with as quickly as possible let's spend all our money on lawyers so if you want to talk with me, don't. Have a good life. I'm done".
Try to speak to the probate clerk first. Sometimes they're wonderfully helpful.
Just let him be, and grieve the loss of this relationship as well. It doesn't sound like you had anything to work with in this on and off game called a relationship. You don't need the toxicity.
Mom asked me to sell the majority of all the furniture and take many trips to goodwill as she had to sell the house due to finances. I did everything just as she wished me to do. In 2020 after 5 years of NC, mom gets an email from her stating I had destroyed her and my dad's life and was stealing her money as she saw on line where I signed the closing documents on mom's home. The money is in an irrevocable trust and I have not touched it. Sadly, my sister was disinherited in 2008 long before they were dx with dementia when she previously went NC right after my daddy had 3 heart surgeries in 2005/06.
All of that said, no matter how hard you try (care giving 7 years and handling the estate), siblings will think what they want whether it is truth or not. I know it is easier said than done but self care and accept where the relationship is now and grieve. Big hugs to you. :D
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