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Amanda2022 Asked August 2022

Multigenerational living and anxiety. Any advice?

My mother lived with my husband and kids when she was in her 60s because she couldn’t afford her townhouse anymore, had nowhere else to live, and was struggling financially. It was stressful for me because while I love her, we never had the best relationship. She was still working then. I felt backed into a corner because no one had any answers and since she’s my mom, we allowed her to move in. It was rough. Finally, she was able to get into an apartment of her own and I was thrilled. She lived there for a few years independently. Fast forward, at 72, she got laid off from her job and again could no longer afford her apartment. My husband and family bought a new house last year and it’s larger than our previous home. Again, I begged my brother (he lives in a small twin with his family) and others to help come up with another solution but no one had answers. I know how even her presence stresses me out sometimes and knew it would stress me out, BUT she moved in with us again since I didn’t know where she’d live. We agreed to a trial, where if it wasn’t working, she’d have to find other arrangements. She agreed to that. I am now struggling majorly with this. Mentally, it’s causing me a lot of stress and anxiety to where it’s affecting me daily. She contributes financially ($700/month) which is generous but I don’t even care about the money. My mental health is the priority to me now and mom needs to go. I don’t have privacy or space in my own home. She’s on a waiting list that’s a couple years long for low income apartments. I cannot wait another two years for her to find a place. She’s living on social security. She’s still independent but refuses to get a part time job or even a hobby outside the home. She’s retired and does absolutely nothing but sit around on her computer all day. My schedule is that I work from home and it’s driving me nuts. I explained to her how important it is to me that she finds something consistent outside the home to allow me space while working. She couldn’t care less. Nothing changed. We gave her a few months to find something but she says she can’t find anything. (I looked too but she can’t afford anything.) I need advice on how to get her to move out and finally take responsibility for her life. She manipulated us with this “trial” talk just so she could get her foot in the door. She could care less about my well-being. She could move in with my aunt (her sister) but my uncle has issues so it’s not the best option. I am thinking of now having my husband and I sit with her to explain the urgency of the situation because she totally discounts anything I say. Please help. I’m desperate. I understand she’s my mom and I’ve been there as much as I possibly could but now I need to be there for my husband and kids without the constant stress. (I don’t want to hear responses saying she’s my mom and I need to be there. I’ll be ignoring those. I’m past that at this point. I tried and it’s time for other solutions.) It’s as if she is refusing to leave and wants to live her life with me forever. What are my options to get her out? Sounds harsh but this is where I’m at after dealing with this for the past 10 years.

lealonnie1 Aug 2022
Drastic times call for drastic measures. You tried this on a 'trial' basis and it's not working, so time to GO now mother. I love you, I just can't handle the invasion of privacy.

How about you find her an apartment or house where she's a roommate? I see those ads on Facebook quite often, and other sites where people are looking for a roommate to share expenses in a house. She obviously cannot afford her OWN place, and I would advise you against finding her such a place based on past history. She needs to pay affordable rent for LIFE now, based on her SS income alone, so she's not back on your doorstep again crying poverty.

Here's a link to a site that shows you the 9 Best Roommate Finders on the Web:

https://smartasset.com/mortgage/top-9-best-roommate-finders

You and your husband can go with her to scope the places out to get a feel for them first.

GOOD LUCK!

Natasana Aug 2022
In your shoes, firstly I would set a date for mom to be moved out. I really like lealonnie1's roommate idea. Sounds like your mom may be able to navigate a computer well enough to find a roommate situation. If you are told by her or another family member that she has nowhere else to go....remember your house is also nowhere else to go. Stick to the date.
lealonnie1 Aug 2022
I like that: your house is also 'nowhere else to go.' PERFECT! :)

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Beatty Aug 2022
I think I would buy a 2nd hand caravan, park it in the garden as my office & move in there..

Seriously though.. if the main problem is your daytime work, what space to you have available? A designated office area? With a door? Set work hours?

What level of care does Mom need in your working hours?
Can she make her own lunch etc?

".. does absolutely nothing but sit around on her computer all day".

I can't follow why this has you so upset to be honest. Sounds like she is keeping out of the way, no?

Or is she constantly interruptioning you? Or reading aloud? Wanting your company?

Many years ago, I found placing my very young children in daycare a day a week very benficial. I had uninterrupted time for chores & later on, more days for work. They had stimulation. Win/win.

Think about your space. How to create more between you.. Can you remove yourself (into a designated office?) Or interest Mom in adult daycare or outside the home activities?
Amanda2022 Aug 2022
I have a dedicated work space. It’s not working. I have explained several times to her that I feel suffocated (brings back memories of my childhood) and that in order for this to work, she will need to find a small hobby outside the home or something to allow additional space and to get herself out of the house, volunteering, whatever. It’ll be good for her too. She’s on the computer all day..do some darn research on book clubs or something instead of how terrible the world is. I homeschool my children and have for the past ten years and I work from home. I am not changing my lifestyle to accommodate. Been there done that. She’s a noisy person around the house, banging spoons, pans, at 5:30 am, 3:30 pm, whenever, opening boxes from Amazon (she orders constantly on Amazon, boxes constantly on our doorstep.) When I bring it up, she gets angry at me and denies it. Everyone in the house sees it. My husband also works from home often since Covid. She’s delusional or just doesn’t care. Not sure. That’s what I mean by “she’s on the computer all day.” She needs to get out of the house but doesn’t want to. No one is happy in this situation. My boys feel like they have to walk on eggshells or not able to be themselves because she’s always here. She has no desire to find a hobby/easy part-time job and doesn’t care about anyone else at this point, or the pact we had made. She’s a stubborn person. I refuse to wait another two years. Point blank; she needs her own space. Whether that’s harsh or not, it’s the truth at this point. I had compassion and empathy but the frustration has built with the lack of responsibility or care on her part to help improve the situation. BTW, she can cook, drive, clean, do everything independently. What’s most frustrating is she bought a brand new CRV a few years ago knowing her poor situation. It sits out front all day long! Barely ever drives it. I told her to sell it for money, she refuses.
MargaretMcKen Aug 2022
Your mother HAS already got an option, which is to move in with her married sister, who it seems is willing for this to happen – perhaps for the financial contribution. Your aunt may even find her company a good idea. It’s not your mother’s ‘best option’, her best option is ‘to live her life with me forever’.

Your uncle has ‘issues’, and SO DO YOU. It’s up to you to push the point – she's 72 and in reasonable health, but doesn’t want to get a job or hobby. You don’t want to share your house. Your house, your call. Get her to her sister's place 'for a trial', and don't take her back. Suggest that she starts researching other options in case it doesn't work out.
Sarah3 Aug 2022
It depends on what the issues are. That’s a very generic term that could be code for messy, rude, or something more serious such as abusive. There must be reason enough why op doesn’t feel comfortable w her mother living there and being around him.
MattyWelch Aug 2022
I feel your pain. I like my privacy, too. It sounds like she's basically being a bad, inconsiderate roommate who's under your feet and doesn't want to follow family rules or be considerate of others. Is family counseling an option at all? She sounds like she has depression, probably feels like a darn loser, and is giving up. Stop thinking of her as your mother, like she's going to yell at you or criticize you, and think of her as any other adult from whom you would expect consideration. Don't whine. Don't plead. Yes, by all means get your husband involved. It sounds like you have a typical crazy lifestyle, and you simply want some privacy. Unfortunately, if her income is so low that she can't afford an apartment, the only other option is to get a roommate. Has that been discussed? It'll supposedly only be until she gets a low income apartment.

I live with my daughter and her family, but I have a small studio apartment over their garage. None of us would survive living in the same building with each other! I often take care of the grand kids (the original reason I came here), the animals when they go on vacation, meet contractors, etc. Would it be possible to isolate your mother's living area, and make a small apartment?

Sohenc Aug 2022
This will sound harsh, but sometimes giving clear and hard choices is the only option. You and your husband tell her she has 60 days to pack and move; that you'll help her find a room to rent in someone else's home, move in with the sister, etc but 60s is the limit. Save the $700 per month in that time window for movers. Pack all her stuff starting on day 50, obviously personal items last. Hire small, local movers: on day 61 they arrive and take it to her new living place (room and someone else's home -- people do rent out rooms, a storage unit (they do not cost $700 a month), go in w/the sister or your brother, or it all goes to the dump -- her choice.

MJ1929 Aug 2022
Realistically, what CAN you do? You either find her the new living situation with a roommate or subsidized by you, or you learn to live with her until a low-income unit opens up.

Either way, it's going to fall on you. Your mom doesn't know how to help herself.

Midkid58 Aug 2022
The 'friends' who would judge you for moving mom out are not really friends then, are they?

I could no longer live with my mother than fly to the moon. Too much back history and a lot of it is not good and no 'closure' will ever happen, so it's all on me to sort through, compartmentalize and forgive. I doubt I will live long enough to truly forgive her--but I do work on it.

It's not worth YOUR mental health to be caring for someone who, for all intents and purposes, could be working PT and living independently. I know there are simply not enough low income housing units. But, there are rooms to rent, houses to share with other elders--it doesn't have to be low income housing or NOTHING. Lots of options.

Has she applied for the low income housing? I have a friend who NEEDS to split from her husband. Over 2 years ago she was complaining that the waiting list was 18-24 months long. Instead of applying and waiting it out, she did nothing. She was b$tching about how much she hates him, blah, blah and how she needs to get away--and I told her (not very nicely, I'm not proud to say) "I've known you over 2 years and your story never changes. If you had applied for housing when we first talked about it--you'd have a place by now." She was silent and chastened and I felt bad--but it drives me NUTS when people just sit and complain and complain about something they have the POWER to fix. My friend will NEVER move and will NEVER divorce her husband. In 10 years her story will not change.

Don't let that happen to you, OK?

Sarah3 Aug 2022
When you agreed to let her try living w you again did you know there was a 2 yr waiting list for the low income apartments she would need?

Shes in her 70’s, definitely she could have something medically or psychologically going on, something I didn’t see mentioned is has she been to a doctor recently for a full evaluation?

I do think it’s completely reasonable to request that as part of her living there she be out for part of the day when your working at home, to give you space you emotionally need, whether it’s attending a drop in program for seniors, visiting a library, etc.

CTTN55 Aug 2022
"Again, I begged my brother (he lives in a small twin with his family) and others to help come up with another solution but no one had answers. "

No one had any answers, and you stepped in the first time. Everyone assumed YOU would be the answer the second time, and so you were.

I wouldn't have begged my brother; I would have simply told him it was his turn and refused to take Mama in again. There will never BE another answer or solution as long as you are the default.

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