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Sharon2714 Asked August 2022

How do I know if it's elder abuse?

My 90-year-old mom who broke her shoulder last week called me from home today crying and asking me to get someone to come to the house and check on her. My sister who lives there and "cares for her" is not helping. I live 100s of miles away. I tried to get someone to look in on her to no avail. I finally had the local PD do a welfare check. Not only did they NOT contact her, but they also believed my sister's story that she has Alzheimer’s (first I've ever heard of this) was sleeping (which she wasn't) and said I was trying to torture her by having this welfare check! I then got a call from a male (not the PD) who told me that if I keep checking on her welfare, I was going to cause mom to get "locked up." I can hear her crying in the background, "Please, please give me my phone back." I sent the PD back, who still didn't talk to her because my sister told them that mom has dementia this time and was sleeping. A third call, and I was told that mom was detoxing from pain pills and that's why she's acting this way. My sister said that she took mom's phone away and would "kick my ass" if I flew there to try and check on her (no worries, she can't). These same people forced her to have a reverse mortgage on her paid off house on Long Island and did not give her the money or make repairs to the home. I had to purchase an oil burner for her house so she wouldn’t freeze in the winter 5 years ago when this reverse mortgage took place. Is any of this, in your collective experience, considered elder abuse and should I report it? I told my sister that I must hear from mom once a week or I will continue to call for the PD to do welfare checks (even if they are ineffective). My sister blocked me on my mother's social media, and I can only dial mom if I do it from another phones (she has me blocked on mom's phone now). Mom's local PD says they cannot force them to let mom make a phone call. I'm just so sad, remembering how she sounded when she was begging for her phone. My thought is that if they're doing right by her, what difference does it make if she uses her phone or is the subject of a welfare check? This is new territory for me. Please advise. I'm searching the internet as well. I just wanted to hear from people who have been here before. FYI, before this I talked to mom monthly, and we've always had pleasant conversations where she was alert, oriented, smart, and funny. She cooked all the meals for herself and my sister, even though mom uses a walker, until she no longer could, due to this broken shoulder. Never any indication she was in any sort of cognitive decline, for example, completely aware that my adult daughter was planning a trip to come see me in 2 weeks. This sister is a drug addict in her fifties, who never had a steady job and was investigated several times for child abuse. Her children are adults now, and want nothing to do with her, or this situation.

Sharon2714 Aug 2022
So sad. Hubby and I called my brother today, hoping to speak to him or mom. He asked my sister, "What do I say?" Then we were told we could not talk to mom. Sister was in the background, telling him what to say. Still hopeful that my daughter will be well enough for me to travel soon, lay eyes on mom and expedite the APS report. Does anyone else know of any other elder advocates in Suffolk County, NY?

Sharon2714 Aug 2022
**Update**
Daughter's ultrasound went great today and she is getting good relief from her COVID symptoms, but not enough that I would feel comfortable leaving the state to lay eyes on my mom quite yet. These are my priorities.
APS is still delayed on the intake but they did check the logs. My sister was screaming at me that my welfare check on my mom had caused her to be under investigation for elder abuse. Ummm.... no. The only thing they have is a log entry from this week, from me, that they haven't been able to do the intake on yet. Sadly, the earliest an elder social worker is available is now Tuesday. Very sadly, there are just too many cases :( I understand. I have one mom, they have a million.
So sister was shining me on, again. Trying to claim she was already under investigation to try and stop me from reporting (didnt work). Brother is supposed to call my hubby at 4pm with an update or maybe even talking to mom! We requested a minimum of weekly contact (either brother or mother) or they'll get another welfare check. That was the suggestion of APS, and I think it's a good one.
My focus is on mom's health and well being. I swear they can keep the house and the money. I always have a place for mom if that ends up being in her best interest. I hope all your burdens are light.
Again, if you see me going down the wrong path, call it out. I may be too close to the situation to see clearly

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BarbBrooklyn Aug 2022
Sharon;

I would check in with the PD and APS in the AM and tell them about your disturbing call with your sister.

Tell them that sister is not allowing mother to talk to you, even though you can HEAR her asking to speak with you.

Tell them that you are very worried about her safety and her physical health.

The fact that mom thinks that she was "rescued" from rehab by your sister is a red flag that yells both "dementia" and "gaslighting". This whole situation may be more complex than appears, but I would err on the side of caution.
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
Thank you, done and done.
Im hoping I'm being just cautious.
BarbBrooklyn Aug 2022
Sharon ((((hugs)))).

Sounds like the PD called it in.

Sit tight and keep us updated.

You've done the right thing. Hope that mom will talk openly with the when they speak with her.

Your sister sounds a bit "off" but may be burned out if mom indeed has dementia.

Wishing you well.

BarbBrooklyn Aug 2022
Sharon, hoping your call with APS went well today.
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
Sort of. Yesterday was draining emotionally. Lots of drama, scroll passed if you need to. But we did the right thing, here we go!
0823, 7 min before Suffolk county opens up, I get an angry phone call from sister. Basically, how dare I get the cops involved, and now she's under investigation for elder abuse (mind you I hadn't given any names yet). Lots of angry words from her, me explaining that I hadn't made the report, her calling me names and then says, "I'm going to tell you what you're going to do." I told her she is many years passed telling me what to do. Made her even angrier. I said, look, I hadn't made any allegations against you or anyone else (up to that point, it was true) and if there isn't any elder abuse going on, what have you got to hide? She called me a jerk and a nut and threatened to cut me off from the family, mind you I've been estranged from most of them for 10 years already. I told her that has no currency with me anymore. Then she got weird and says that I haven't asked about mom in two years. Huh? I talked to mom once a month for the past 10 years so why would I need to call my sister, my former childhood abuser, if i have no inkling of anything wrong? I asked her if i Am supposed to have ESP about something? Mom never said there was a problem and always seemed fine. I told sister good luck with your elder abuse case, you're just angry that I broke the cycle of abuse and hung up on her. She called me less than a minute later and said I was not allowed to speak and just listen. She was going to give me mom's medical story. I said fine, so long as she understood it was my turn to speak after the first three minutes and we'll take turns. "I'm not going to play by your rules." Fine, and I hung up again. She calls me back, again (and hopefully I never have to hear her voice again). "I'm going to give you mom's medical history and I don't want to hear from you ever again." I say, "okay, say your piece and get on with your life." Instead, she screams, "What kind of mind games are you playing?" Uh....none. "Well, I'm not going to tell you anything now and I'm cutting you off!" Mom is in the background, saying let me talk to her. I'm like cool, I get to hear mom's voice. I asked her if she remembers asking me to get someone to check on her last week, she said yes and tried to say a sentence but it trailed off. I said ok, I love you mom. I got an I love you too from my mom (very precious to me). Its also scary. Somethings not right, you know? I hung up the phone and called APS, waiting on a call back. When they did, they took my info, entered it into the log book for a qualified elder social worker to call me back, but it may take up to three days. They have not taken mom's info from me yet, just mine, until they reach my case in the queue. In the meantime, feel free to have PD do a welfare check anytime I feel mom's in danger. If sis is already under investigation, that's freakin' great! It could only be mom's doctors or PD or even meals on wheels. Or, she was trying to gas light me to make me think the investigation has commenced. Either way, I've gotten enough info from here and other resources to know not to back down. I don't need to know the answer. I need to know she's safe and being cared for, and if I need to open up my home, I will. My daughter is doing better today with her COVID. And of course she's worried for the baby, ultrasound is on Friday.
Sorry for the drama folks. IF I AM IN ANYWAY OUT OF LINE, even the smallest amount, please call me out on it. The bottom line is doing the best for a 90 yr old woman. I still pray to God that this is just a sibling spat
Fyi, sister sent my husband whom she cussed out a few days ago, a FB friend request. I've blocked all these whack
-a-dos on social media many years ago. Gee, I wonder what that's about?
BarbBrooklyn Aug 2022
Sharon, thinking of you this morning!
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
Prayers, positive thoughts, advice from you all who came before me and also calling me our on MY own BS is always appreciated. This waiting sucks. Hope the ultrasound goes well on Friday, then I need to schedule a road trip. I have an RV, and I've taken it on the LIE before. Side note, mom lives less than 5 min away from the social services office!
ainorlando Aug 2022
Well, as has already been stated, yes it is abuse and at the very least, your gut should be telling you it is. That's how you know.

With that out of the way...

You asked what others would do in your situation. As I am a blunt and direct and some probably even say, bullheaded person, I would apply for emergency guardianship. I would throw my sister's history in with the court filing as justification that my mother needs to be immediately removed from the home or have my sister removed from the home. Then I would have the cops with me when I picked up my mother. I would then file a TRO until a permanent solution can be secured. And I wouldn't be taking her home.

Assuming I cannot be there fast enough to get her, I would let the Area on Aging and APS know that I was filing for an emergency guardianship to get my mother out of a bad situation and find out if they can take her into care until I got there.

FWIW, I have had to prioritize one family member over another and it hurts. One of the things I look for is which family member can handle the situation without my help and which one cannot. That helps me know which person needs me most. Maybe that small tidbit can help you too.

Yeah, that's what I would do.

Whatever you decide, may it be a comfort that you are trying.
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
Adding to my arsenal. Thank you! Please let's keep it rolling.
BarbBrooklyn Aug 2022
Sharon, I appreciate your fleshing out the story.

One niggling question about your family. Is mom part of the toxic narcissistic crowd?

I don't doubt that something bad is going on, but consider that perhaps there is some manipulating going on to get you to swoop in and take mom and brother into your home.

Not always easy to get folks placement from home. Much easier if mom goes to a hospital or rehab and gets placed from there.

If APS feels mom needs to be removed, ask for her to be placed; you can then arrange a good facility setting near you.

Your brother sounds like he would do well in a group home setting.

Call YOUR local Area Agency on Aging and the local Disabilities support group; you need the support of a social worker to sort this out.
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
No, my mom is a codependent victim. She prefers to stay close to family members who are toxic, or who facilitate the narcissist. Dad was an abusive Alki until 53, then sober for 31 glorious years until his death. Mom never drank a drop, but never went to alanon either.
BarbBrooklyn Aug 2022
" At this point, I'm sit and wait and research. I'm also making sure there are no complaints against the agency!"

Sharon, you will find plenty of complaints against APS. Also the Police Department, any local school authority and Child Protective Services.

Government agencies that are charged with protecting and providing services to the public are ALWAYS getting complained about. Please don't let it deter your from reporting what may be abuse.

I would be MOST concerned that your mother has gotten proper medical care for her broken shoulder and followup like a PT agency coming into the home. And pain meds that aren't being abused by your sister and her pal.

And of course, the big question, how did the injury happen in the first place?
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
I guess I didn't make myself clear, sorry for that. Im not planning to wait for another flag to pop up. I'm sitting and waiting until 0830 Monday (when the elder abuse agency in Suffolk county opens) to make the report go live.
In the meantime and even afterwards, I'm planning to be as relentless as possible in research, in reporting, and in oversight. I want to keep resources available for every foreseen and unforeseen contingency. I was estranged from my toxic family members (with the exception of mom and brother) for 10 years. That's how I (with a major capital i) let the wolves get in the door. My eyes are open now. I can't "unsee" this.
For good or for ill, before her phone was stolen by my sister, mom asked for help. She's not asked me to back down so I'm not going to. I wish I can make an appearance, it's just not possible at the moment, but hopefully in the very near future.
Mom explained to me that she fell against a stack of boxes (sister is also a known hoarder so I wasn't very surprised by this. She said that her doctor ordered physical therapy and cortisone shots. She sounded cognizant. She said she wasn't a candidate for surgery because of her age and physical condition. It seemed plausible, and may even be true, or just her inner strength showing through). I wish, in hindsight, I would have asked for her doctor's name and number then (she has a new primary care since the last time I saw her, two years ago).
This sycks. I'm sad. I'm a sandwich taking care of multiple generations for the moment. Thank God I at least have the abilities I need for right now. Just keep the suggestions coming folks. You never know which one can tip the scales
Ps: sorry I'm so down on my sister, but she was my childhood abuser who has never remotely displayed remorse. I used to try to please her, now she is just a waste of human flesh.
lealonnie1 Aug 2022
Yes, this is a support forum, and all I've seen are supportive comments towards you. You say, "We need help, not misdirected anger"..........??? Many have suggested you do boots on the ground research here yourself, which I will agree with. What good is calling 'agencies' when you yourself need to SEE your mother with your own two eyes! Speak to her in person to see what's going on??? I don't see anyone showing you 'misdirected anger' here, just perhaps some frustration that you yourself aren't angry enough or worried enough to schedule a flight to Long Island or hop in the car and drive there yourself (you don't say in your profile where you're located) to see what's going on.

You can't expect any 'agencies' or police departments to get an accurate feel for what's going on with your mother and her daughter to the degree that they can call you with details to put your mind at ease 100%. You've given enough background about your sister being a drug addict, a child abuser who's children want nothing to do with her NOW as adults, and a financial exploiter so that we can advise you to go out there yourself to see what's happening. That's what happens on an internet forum: you get advice from lots of people who are and have been caregiving for elders for a long time who can give you advice from the heart and/or from our gut instincts. You hear your mother crying in the background, begging for her phone back.......that would be enough for me to go out there to see for myself what's going on with my mother! Nothing anyone tells me over the phone would calm my nerves on this matter, nothing but an in-person visit would do the trick for me, so that's the advice I'm giving to you.

Do what you wish, but don't say that we have 'misdirected anger' towards you. Then you'll wind up coming back here writing another post one of these days saying 'how did I miss all the warning signs mom was being abused', God forbid???? Take the advice you're being given in the spirit it's being given: with the hope your mother is NOT being abused but with the hunch she IS. Go find out for yourself. Then come back & let us know how everything turned out.

Good luck and Godspeed to you.
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
Gracious. My reply about misdirected anger was in reference to a post left by one person.
I needed help, 99% of yall provided it.
This all happened on Thursday. I had the cops check on her then. I learned about the appropriate government agencies from here and started making calls on Friday. I will pull the trigger on the report when suffolk county opens 0830 on Monday. Long story even longer, it's a toxic and narcissistic family I come from. Mom chose to stay swimming in that cess pool (which I'm not blaming her for). I wish I would have kept a closer watch on them. Mom was always so strong. She never "needed" my help, which now I understand is one of the symptoms. I live very close to the Florida border, I just moved here two weeks ago from El Paso for my husband's work. My daughter is pregnant, living here, a college professor who now has COVID.
I want to be with mom, or there for mom or bring her here with me. I also want to take care of my preschool and elementary grandchildren while my daughter recovers. Due to my family's toxic nature, I can't actually pin point my location any more than that. I was estranged from everyone except from my mother and brother, for very good reason. Talking to my brother, my hunch is he will be the next target. His info is also included in my report.
I was only interested in who provides oversight to elder protection agencies, in the event I need to know. I'm not sitting on my hands, just trying to learn from helpful people who have been there before.
Its a little too late for me to wonder how I missed the warning signs. I already did. Now it's time to catch all this up. I am getting my lawyer here to send my sister a cease and desist letter. Scary looking, but not a lot of teeth. At least it shows her my eyes have been opened. My mom told me about the broken shoulder the week before but acted like it was under control. Obviously, that was wrong too. 20/20 hindsight on my part.
Bottom line, mom called (with or without dementia), crying, asking for my help and has not rescinded that request. As soon as I can boots on the ground, I will. In the meantime I'm using every resource I have to help her and my brother, that includes you all.
I own that I didn't know sooner, that's on me
Jada824 Aug 2022
I have found in my state the police will do a welfare check but other than that they won’t get involved saying it’s a civil matter.

APS is useless if the elder won’t speak against her abusers either because she doesn’t want them to get in trouble or they’ll make more trouble for her
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
That sucks. I'm so sorry. She asked me for help, she hasn't gone back on it so I won't either.
Cdriver Aug 2022
You need to go there and see what's really going on. Since your sister threatened you, call and have a police escort you to their home, and tell them you fear for your safety because of her threats and fear for your mom's safety. I would also call her doctor and try to get her an appointment when you are there to assess her for dementia and all else. I would also call APS and have them come do an assessment. Your sister sounds nuts and is obviously wanting you out of things to keep mom's money but with that reverse mortgage, she'll eventually lose that house if she can't pay it back when mom dies or has to be placed in a facility. That was a dumb move on her part. My dad 90, has 2 whacko cousins who tried to get my dad to sign a reverse mortgage behind my back - I'm POA and only child, mom is gone. Luckily my dad didn't sign it because now he's in a SNF and we need the money from sale of the house to pay. I was livid when I found out what they did and If he had actually signed papers and gone thru with it with their meddling, you better believe I would've filed a claim of elder abuse. I told my friend who has worked in the elder care industry about that and she said what they attempted to do could definitely be considered elder abuse so I think you def have more of a case than I did. I am assuming your sister has POA? Might be time to meet with a lawyer and get that changed, especially if sister is a druggie you have a case that she is not fit to care for your mom.
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
Thank you! I never talked to my sister without witnesses present. If she has a POA, I'm not aware of it. Unfortunately, I can't travel the 100s of miles to where mom lives, my daughter is pregnant with COVID. All of my efforts are from a distance. Welfare checks, APS, etc. When my daughter gets well, I should be free to travel if no progress has been made. They call us the sandwich generation for a reason.
Midkid58 Aug 2022
I think it's time to get 'boots on the ground'. You are not there, and so every piece of information that you get is 2nd hand, really. You need to put YOUR eyes on the situation.

I've been involved in a couple of cases where there was obvious abuse--once with an elder and once with a woman who had custody of her grandchildren and was simply unable to handle them. Sadly, in both cases, an investigation was done and nothing came of it. The elderly person has since passed away--but the situation with the g-ma and her g-kids is still spiraling out of control--the 2 boys have both beaten her--and she refuses to press charges or get the boys (aged 14 & 15) any help. It's only a matter of time before they either beat her senseless or worse--kill her or someone else.

Yes--it's that dire and yet CPS and APS do not deem the situation 'bad enough' to remove the boys from the home. (G-ma is 73 yo and absolutely exhausted).

IF she would agree to CPS removing the boys--they would. Someone in every awful situation does wield the most power. Sounds like your toxic sister has it in this case.

I really don't see that making tons of phone calls is helping. You need to go there and be a 'presence'. YOU can bring the authorities up to date and YOU can facilitate a change. Working at this from 100's of miles away is fruitless (but you know that already, don't you?)

Are you ready and willing to take mom out of that situation and either move her to a NH or take her home with you? It may just be that is all you can do.

BTW--abusers often 'get even' with the reporter and make life even worse for the victim. Your sister sounds like she would do this.

I'm not being judgy--this is a horrible situation for mom. She needs an advocate, and a loud, pushy one at that.

I'll be praying for you and your mom. I hope you can find a way to get to her, ASAP.
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
Me too. If I could leave right now, I would. I can only do what I can distantly, for now. The elder services in Suffolk county are aware that I am willing and able to take mom in with no compensation. I hope and pray that they decide I can do this. The waiting truly is the hardest part.
The only problem I have is that my daughter, who also advocates for my mom is in her first trimester and caught COVID from work. I literally can't be in two places at once and have to rely on social workers to do the right thing. Do I want to be boots on the ground? Yes, with my whole heart. When my daughter recovers, I truly hope I can be.
THanks for sharing your experiences. These are all quite helpful
Hothouseflower Aug 2022
What you describe is concerning. I think you should make a trip to see for yourself what’s going on. If this were my mother, that’s what I would do. And be prepared to call the police.
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
THanks. I very much want to be there, I just can't at this very moment. It is very concerning and I'm very sad. All of these replies (even the negative one) are really helpful. I started this not knowing who to even call
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
THanks for your help folks. I found all the appropriate phone numbers and agencies to send a social worker to check things out. I'm requesting prayers now, for the best possible outcome, she and my brother deserve it. My thoughts are, what possible harm can come to them if the APS fails to act, and who is responsible for oversight of these APS agencies? That's what I'm researching now, while waiting for 0830 on Monday, which can't come soon enough

BarbBrooklyn Aug 2022
No complaints against what Agency, Sharon?

Is there an agency providing caregivers for your mom?

The Area Agency on Aging?

Adult Protective Services?

You don't write a report. You give them a bulleted list of the facts-- mom is afraid, pretends all is well in the presence of your sister, you have heard her threatened with being locked up, recent serious injury with no medical followup. THEY write the report.

Sharon2714 Aug 2022
Agreed.

Sharon2714 Aug 2022
You know folks, I'm heartbroken for my mom. Nothing in my life prepared me for this. I'm looking for legitimate resources to help a crying older woman who may be a victim of elder abuse. As it goes, there's always more to the story. Ask and answer questions, show me your blueprint of what you might have done in a similar situation and offer advice or support Forums such as these are for this support. We are trying our best and in the course of our research, stumbled upon this site. We need help, not misdirected anger. The cops have been out there three times now. I have no problem sending them out there ten times until I can finish my research and finalize my report, 0830 on Monday. There may even be some angel out there that knows other avenues. I wish, to the depths of my soul that this was **.
My husband was able to talk to her, but it was on speaker, unfortunately. She sounded great, made no mention of the drama from my sister or the pain she is likely in and thanked him for calling. Does that mean everything is awesome? No! I still need an agency looking in on this.
Please folks, be part of the solution
mstrbill Aug 2022
Call Adult Protection Services. That is your agency.
BarbBrooklyn Aug 2022
Sharon, your mother broke her shoulder LAST week.


Is she getting proper medical attention?
Adequate pain relief?
How did it happen?

Call APS RIGHT Now for heaven's sake.
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
I did (the Suffolk County Council on aging have all the info and want me to finalize the report). I just didn't provide name and address yet, to make sure we are absolutely doing right by her and we're legally protected. They're just m
not open until 830 on Monday. At this point, I'm sit and wait and research. I'm also making sure there are no complaints against the agency!
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
I had talked with a lady at Suffolk County Aging Dept and gave them all this info, short of names and addresses. I'm giving myself a cooling off period, and time to get more information. The Aging Dept seems to think I should make an official complaint. I'm just trying to make sure it's the right thing to do. It would be helpful if she just allowed mom to call me. I don't care about the topic or even if she knows me (which has never been an issue yet). Getting an occasional text from whomever (may or may not be mom) is surprisingly not reassuring. They are sending the texts through my brother's phone. My dad, before he died at 84, spoke straight up gibberish but I was still happy to hear it. My husband's grandmother (93) talked to ghosts before she died, and even that made me smile. Cute story, she asked my husband to take her hand and help her up the stairs to heaven the day before she lapsed into her final coma. She was bedridden but still moved her feet like she was walking that day!
Isthisrealyreal Aug 2022
I have to say that I HATE when people post obvious abuse and are told by the authorities to report it and decide to wait. It makes you an active participant in my book.

Either the original question was BS or you are perfectly happy to see your mom abused. ALL of the waving red flags for abuse are present in your post.

Department of Aging doesn't lightly recommend reporting abuse, so they are very concerned about your mom and brother or they wouldn't have recommended reporting it.
Connie51 Aug 2022
Unfortunately, some PD departments are not adequately trained to pick up on abuse cases that are less than an acute assault on an individual. In New York State you can reach out to the local department of social services based on the county she lives in, and they will arrange for a social worker to do a more complete investigation. In NYS do an internet search for Local Departments of Social Services, you will get a map to select her home county for a phone number. She will likely be in Nassau or Suffolk County.

Isthisrealyreal Aug 2022
Waving red flags.

Definitely get APS involved ASAP.

From what you have shared, your mom is being financially exploited, psychologically abused and is receiving threats and intimidation from your scuzzy sister and her friend. She is probably being physically, emotionally and mentally abused as well.

Your sister is a proven abuser of vulnerable human beings. What makes you think she might not be abusive to mom?

Edit: Sharon, your mom should say whatever to get away from your sister but, she can't sign over a reverse mortgage, the mortgage company can deal with your sister after mom leaves. It is against the law for anyone to take an elders social security, so let your sister and mom think whatever they want and then use the law to protect your mom. Her as is for her, not your deadbeat sister.
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
Heres the way they got around the reverse mortgage bit. I have a brother who is 70 and mentally disabled and also living in that house. He actually worked until he was 59, got retirement and social security and though not on the deed, lived there full time. This, I am sharing to help others realize what happens when other senior family members live with the elderly at the time the mortgage is taken out. They are given the same right to stay in the home that the homeowner has! So, even after mom passes away, her son is entitled to stay there (which, in other situations, is entirely appropriate). Guess who has POA over my brother? My sister. Yes, a complete soup sandwich. When I had, on numerous occasions before now, invited mom to live with us, the invitation was also extended to my brother. That would have been difficult (he is simple minded and very kind, possibly on the spectrum though never diagnosed but also highly inappropriate around women, sisters and nieces included) but we were willing. Since he will be living there and she's receiving income on his behalf, I'm sure she believes she will get to stay as his "guardian." My brother is physically strong and his simple mindedness is the reason he can't help the situation. The protective services asked if he knew enough to dial 911, and I told her that I really don't think he can. I've given them the story, with no names or addresses yet, while I continue to be advised, seek advice and hope to wisely make decisions to help. When that unknown male on my mother's phone told me that my mom will get "locked up" if I keep asking for welfare checks, that caused me to proceed with caution.
Yes, I included sister's history of child abuse to help you all understand that she's not some compassionate caregiver. She's really a monster. My instinct is that all of this isolation was initiated when I talked to my mom after her shoulder injury and told her I would convert my dining room into a bedroom for her because the doorways are wide enough to accommodate handrails and a walker or wheelchair, I already have a huge walk in shower with a built in seat, and my brother can get a tiny house and set it up in my backyard. Several months ago, I promised her that I would look after him if anything happened to her. I think (I'm not there and am estranged from her) that this offer (though not intended) put sister into full blown panic and that's when she started isolating them. Also we're not wealthy. We are basically working class people with a mortgage and car payments, etc. that have enough financial means that helping mom would be a strain, but not be a burden and of corse a pleasure.
When we cared for hubby's grandma before she died (93 yo) I felt blessed to hear all the old stories (sometimes 5 times a day, lol). These women lived through the depression, WW II and Korea, lost sons to Vietnam, etc. I am the lucky one to have them. I told people, when I was caring for grandma *she had that dementia that made her mean sometimes, that I got the very best of her. Those who weren't willing to step up and help or even visit, lost out.
Grandma1954 Aug 2022
Calling the police would be for an immediate welfare check. If you in the slightest suspect abuse of any kind you contact APS or call the State Elder Abuse Hotline number. (The State where mom lives not where you live)
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
Thank you. I had trouble coming up eith the agency name that would look into that. She is allowed to text now, just not speak on the phone which is a huge red flag to me.
cwillie Aug 2022
When you do call APS make sure you tell them you are open to the idea that it MAY be dementia, but that aside from your sister's assertion to police you have never been informed of any dementia diagnosis... this is about doing right by your mother, not about some kind of sibling spat.
Have you given any thought about what you would like to see happen next if your mother is removed from your sister's care?
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
Absolutely. I wish it was a sibling spat instead of the (at very least) unnecessary worry that she's caused, all the way up to some form of abuse at my sister's hands (sister has a track record of child abuse on her own children, the state had to intervene more than once). I actually have been estranged from this sister for 10 years, my decision.
My hope would be for my husband and I to take mom in (we have the means) and let her enjoy her twilight years for as much, and as long as she desires. We've cared for my husband's grandmother in the past so we wouldn't be going into it blind.
To facilitate it, we'd be willing to let mom sign over her house to my sister (that's what she really wants) and her entire social security/retirement checks (sister hasnt ever had meaningful employment and has been living on mom's dole, even before she moved in to "care" for her). I'm sad that my mother is 90 and unhappy. I'm confused as to why someone would isolate her from her support group, from social media, or from just having conversations with her children, while simultaneously taking away her ability to call for help if need be. It seems counterintuitive and counterproductive. The last conversation I had with mom before this, she was perfectly normal, just complaining of shoulder pain from a fall. And finally, why the three different excuses during the welfare checks for mom's behavior? Drug seeking behavior (mom never touched a drop of alcohol in her life but did have a brief period of opiod dependency, 16 yrs ago, following double hip replacement), then alzheimers and dementia, all within 5 hrs of each other. I kick myself for not seeing this coming. I'm in contact with her adult protective services (anonymously, i havent made a formal complaint), getting advice and probably going to need a lawyer who specializes in this area, (my attorney said he can only craft a cease and desist letter on her blocking access at this point, since we don't have anything concrete on the situation). This waiting is the hardest part, imagining her in pain (physically and emotionally) and feeling so helpless.
Sorry, I'm a chatty Cathy when I'm trying to work through things.
BarbBrooklyn Aug 2022
You call Adult Protective Services, not the police department.
Sharon2714 Aug 2022
Thank you. It took a bit to figure out the name of the agency that handles this.

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