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sotto1 Asked July 2022

I just need to vent. Is that okay? I don't even expect help... just commiserate and make me laugh if you can. Thanks!

I work from home and have somehow become the primary caregiver to my mother-in-law who moved in with us about a year ago. She has mild-ish dementia, but also appears to have some cognitive damage from lack of oxygen. She has interstitial lung disease and is on oxygen full time, but is otherwise it pretty good physical health.


 


The struggle for me is that she always treated me like I wasn't good enough, until she needed me. Now she tries so desperately to insert herself into my life and be my best friend. She interrupts my work numerous times a day to ask me obvious questions or tell me about the weather. She follows me around when I'm cleaning and watches over my shoulder and narrates what I'm doing. If I ask her to find something to do or tell her I'm busy, she gets hurt and my husband gets annoyed.


 


His siblings are no help. I prepare all of her meals, monitor her oxygen, and clean up after her. We take her on vacation with us and plan our lives around never being gone for more than half a day. We pay for all of her expenses/copays, as her social security does not even cover the cost of maintaining her empty home and she has no savings. I've suggested we sell the house as it is just sitting there costing her money. Her middle child cannot part with it, even though he lives on the other side of the country and visits once a year.


 


Honestly, I know it is petty but I just want time to do the things I need to do and be left alone.

97yroldmom Jul 2022
Move to MIL house and call it your new office. Decide to work late and go in early or just sleep at the office.
Rent I hear is going through the roof, so rent out spare rooms for other women whose MILs have been dumped on them.
If husband complains about increased cost, tell him he can rent out your room in his house. Must be his house as he feels free to make all the rules.
But I do agree with him on one thing. It does no good to annoy him. Make him mad as he!!
Judycares Jul 2022
Ahhh. Perfect! You guys stay here together. I'll syat in the other house...just so I don't bother you. No really. It's absolutely no sacrifice. I won't mind - and there will be so much more room for you. It may take a day or two to get used to the [blissful, astonishing, and peaceful] silence, but honestly, I'll manage. 🤭
Gershun Jul 2022
How about I just tell you a joke cause I can't think of any good advice.

A woman goes to see her doctor. When she gets home she's telling her husband how it went.

"He said my cholesterol is good, my blood pressure is down, my diabetes is under control"

Husband says "Did he say anything about your fat a**?"

Wife "No, we didn't talk about you dear"

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AlvaDeer Jul 2022
As we are wanting only a "laugh here" --having been asked for that:
Man and wife decide they simply MUST get away from caregiving the MIL, so they enlist a neighbor to watch over her several times a day and to watch their cat who resides also in the household.
Day two of the vacation they call the friend to check on how everything's going, but are told "MIL is fine, but the cat's dead". The husband is irate. "What's the MATTER with you, he says. Could you not have broken this to me easier. Like I call today and you say that the cat's on the roof and won't come down. A day two you say that cat's not on the roof so far as you can see but hasn't come home. Break it to us easier? What's the MATTER with you."
Next day the couple again calls, this time to check on the MIL only. Guy answers and says "Your MIL is on the roof".

Sendhelp Jul 2022
"Jokes needed to lighten our day":

mrsribit
Aug 2012

Fred was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

pamzimmrrt Jul 2022
I get it!! If middle child cannot part with the home,, Its time for them to pay the bills for it ( Are you laughing?) When she follows around, suggest she follow hubs around ( Laughing yet?) If she is still bored have her call the siblings and talk to them ( Still no laughing?) You are in a rough place and I feel for you. Your husband needs to get over being annoyed,, you have every right to be! I don;t know how much you contribute to the family income, nor do I need to,, but maybe tell hubs if you are going to be "full time" then he needs to pick up what you earn and compensate you,,, (more laughing here" ) I really wish you luck,, please take this post as you offered, even if the "making you laugh" dosen't work

AlvaDeer Jul 2022
You don't want my advice.
BELIEVE ME when I tell you, you DON'T want my advice.
Hee hee.
BurntCaregiver Jul 2022
She doesn't want my advice either because it will involve pounding sand and places where the sun don't shine.
Midkid58 Jul 2022
I'm sorry for your situation.

How weird is is that so many of us have sibs who seem to wield so much POWER over a situation? Why does the middle child call the shots about MIL's house??? He shows up once a year to, what? Show he's capable of a pilgrimage? Ridiculous!

There sits a source of $$, just falling apart (empty houses have a way of doing that!) and ONE sibling won't allow it to be sold? He needs to be paying MIL's way then. You certainly shouldn't be!

If my DH demanded that I step up in his mother's care, after the way she's treated me for the last 47 years, he can jolly well go live with her and do it himself. He thinks I am extremely selfish, but frankly, taking care of HIM exhausts me. There would be a double homicide!

MargaretMcKen Jul 2022
Your MIL has taken over your life, your husband gets annoyed when you object, and husband’s siblings are unreasonable as well as no help. And you think it’s PETTY? I hope that's your own attempt at a joke, but I doubt it. What do you think would really ruin your life?

Grandma1954 Jul 2022
When you ask her to find something to do she may not know what to do.
Have a stack of things for her to do.
Sort socks
Fold towels
If you have a paper shredder give her a stack of papers to run through the shredder.
Can she unload the dishwasher?
How about dusting?
Watering plants?

Does the middle child have their name on the deed to the house? If so start sending all the bills to the middle child. (would be a good idea that the middle child and other children begin taking turns paying the excess on the bills that you seem to be paying)
If they do not have their name on the deed explain that the house has to be sold for paying for care. If the middle child wishes to purchase the house then the Fair Market Value is $XXX,XX
Who has POA? This would be the person that is responsible for the financial matters. And an empty house tends to bleed money.

Geaton777 Jul 2022
Look up the participant bundleofjoy

She posts funny jokes every day on the DIscussions thread:

"Jokes needed to lighten our day"

A dog-themed post from her today:

"❤️ 🙂 “I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor."

"Hi, I'm Stopthat. Sometimes they call me 'Getbackhere'."

"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea."

"Dogs are God's way of apologizing for your relatives."

When I want to have a good belly laugh with my 100-yr old Auntie with mod/adv dementia, I find funny animal videos on YouTube. She could watch those all day. Gives her a nice break from accusing us of murder and mayhem.

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