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Auntiesgirls Asked July 2022

Wondering what to do about a 98-year-old Aunt that came to stay temporalily and now doesn't want to go home?

Talk about feeling guilty. Over the last 10 years, we have been helping my husband's aunt that has no living blood relatives. In the last couple of years she has had a couple of hospital visits and she has always come here for a few weeks to ensure strength and wellness before she goes home. (I'm a nurse so I'm pretty comfortable with wound care etc.


However, this year she fell in January, went to rehab in February and came to my home on March 1 for an estimated 6 weeks until her cast came off for therapy. She is still here. All of a sudden when we started talking about going home she starts with aches and pains. I feel bad, but I have two kids that still live at home, a house to run plus a full-time job. I've got no help here. I'm showering, laundering and cleaning for her. I'm afraid to hire anyone because of look back and honestly I'm trying not to encourage her. I really think she is afraid to go home on her own, but she has always told me she wanted to die in her home.


She doesn't have much money and her widowed daughter-in-law owns the house she lives in... another long and very sad story. If said DIL finds out she isn't in the house it will instantly go onto the market.


I'm feeling trapped and I think I am overthinking everything.


I have services set up for her in her house, I have a lifeline and elder care services and she isn't budging. Thanks for letting me vent.

Geaton777 Jul 2022
First, does the DIL have PoA for her? Does anyone?

Does Auntie have the financial means to pay for AL? She doesn't even own a house to sell... Medicaid in most states only covers LTC and she has to be assessed to need it. So, don't go making plans for her at AL unless: 1) she is willing to go (you can't force her without evicting her if she has all her faculties; and, 2) she has to be able to pay for it in a facility that hopefully has Medicaid beds for when she qualifies.

Lymie61 Jul 2022
It sounds like you have been close, lose enough that she to.d you her wishes. I’m sure you are right, she is afraid to go home this time so maybe it’s time to ask her if she has changed her desire to die at home. She may very well say I want to live out my last years here with all of you and that’s when you have to be gentle but frank, that just won’t work. You have a house full, a full time job…and while you love her and will always be a big support living there isn’t an option. You have help set up at home for her and the doctors/PT whoever is in charge have signed off on you being able to go home with the help in place but you can understand that she might be afraid of falling again or of being lonely after all the activity at your house and if she has changed her mind about wanting to remain in that house you can get some residential facilities for her to look at where she could have peers and activities. It sounds like she may need Medicaid for this so as you know that can take some time and it might be a good time to start that process and look into what other community living and care programs the state might have as well. But you need to make sure you are having the hard discussions and keeping communication open with her. Who knows she may be feeling stress and anxiety over it all too and sharing her problems with you will be a weight off her shoulders and something for you to work with. By the way where does your husband, her nephew (?) fall in all of this? You are a special person obviously with a big heart, thank you for what you do, she is lucky to have you! That doesn’t mean she gets to take over though, intentionally or not, good luck.

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AlvaDeer Jul 2022
Yes, you are overthinking it. I do think also that you have painted yourself into a bit of a corner by asking her to come to you and caring for her during this time without making clear the parameters. I can see "grieving this" but not "guilting it". You didn't cause any of these problems and you have your own life. I had 7 aunts on one side and three on the other, so a total of 10 aunts. They are all long gone, but I never for a second felt responsible for their care.
It is time to be blunt. Tell aunt the day she will be leaving and the day her services at home begin.
Then turn over the care to others in her life. If Aunt ends having no one then she may need the help of a licensed Fiduciary, but I would see to it that I didn't step in to be POA or anything else.
Aunt should be spending her money now for her care. Lookback isn't a problem as long as SHE is hiring people to care for HERSELF. That doesn't mean, of course, hiring YOU. That she cannot do. It would look like gifting.
It is time simply to embrace the facts here. You don't want to be full time caregiver to your aunt, nor should you. Let he know when she needs to move home. Let her know what assistance you can offer her in hiring her own help. She may need to consider placement in time. Her own money to support her own care, then medicaid.
I am sorry you took this on. You did mean well, but you are ending painted into a corner that has made you uncomfortable. But again, sad as all of this is, your aren't responsible for it.

cwillie Jul 2022
Put it to her this way - she can die at home alone and with her needs unmet or she can find a new home where she will have everything taken care of and she might actually enjoy some enhanced quality of life for her final years.

MargaretMcKen Jul 2022
It’s a question, but if you just want to vent, please ignore this attempt at an answer.

Yes of course Auntie wants to stay with you. It’s her best option. She won’t make any other choice until you make it quite clear that this isn’t going to continue. Sit down with her, tell her that it has to end, and talk about her options. She can go home and hire in-home care, if she has the money to do it. I don’t quite understand your comment about look-back - she doesn’t own her house, so she may not have many assets, and if she is paying for her own care it shouldn’t affect Medicaid look-back, should it? She can apply for Medicaid and move to a NH, perhaps you are willing to help with that.

It might help to get in touch with one of the agencies and talk about it all with them and her together. Older people (everyone?) can get the picture more easily with someone that they can’t argue with and that they know they can’t influence. You’ve done so much already, it’s hard for you to say that you have reached your limit, but everybody has one.

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