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DMich12 Asked July 2022

When is it too much?

I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. He lives at home with his elderly sick mother and older brother. I knew of his living situation when we first started dating and I was hesitant about it. But, he assured me that his brother takes care of his mother who has been diagnosed with Huntington’s disease for the last 15 years. However, my boyfriend was the one that was taking care of all the bills while his brother would take care of their mother. This was all fine and good until his father passed away and it was all left on his shoulders. He couldn’t support himself, his brother plus his mother. So, his brother had to get a job, but of course he can only get a job at night. (Which he procrastinated about). Now my boyfriend is not allowed to leave the house because somebody has to “watch” mom. With Huntington disease, she can no longer move, no longer eat by herself and the only word I’ve ever heard her say is no. They refuse to put her in a home because she said she doesn’t want to leave. I think they are delusional that she speaks.


So basically, my boyfriend is now living his life to watch his mother. I’m trying to be understanding about it. We were talking about moving in together, but his brother has a problem with him not watching his mom or paying for some of the bills for the house they all live in. I just don’t know what to do. I love him, but I’m not sure I am willing to sacrifice my life to somebody who never makes me a priority. If I could get over the mother then I still have to compete with the brother. To make matters worse, I think that there is some unhealthy relationship with his brother and his mother. It’s just weird and it makes me really uncomfortable. I have brought it up to my boyfriend before but he swears that I’m just seeing things. The both of them however think that she’s communicating with them even though she can only say one word and that’s “no”. Just need some advice on what to do. I am in my 40s and divorced. He treats me well minus this whole mother/brother issue. Any advice?

lealonnie1 Jul 2022
Sometimes love is not enough. This is one of those cases, it sounds like. Just too much chaos to deal with, for you. You're in your 40s, divorced with one bad relationship under your belt. Why take on another difficult relationship whereby the b/f does NOT put you first? Plus, you're saying there is some unhealthy relationship with his brother and his mother that is weird and makes you really uncomfortable. NEVER ever ignore your INSTINCTS about anything. That should be rule #1. Your gut doesn't lie.

It hurts to say goodbye to a relationship where you love someone. It hurts MORE to stay in such a relationship where your gut is telling you to run. And where you yourself are likely to become mom's caregiver. Yikes. That's your default future if you stay, I'm afraid.

Good luck making the hard decisions you have to make. Wishing you the very best life has to offer, not the crumbs.

CTTN55 Jul 2022
Run like the wind... 🏃

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Isthisrealyreal Jul 2022
If I was in your position, I would run like my butt was on fire.

There are red flags waving all over this situation.

At the end of the day though, you have to do whatever you feel is right for you.

Sunflowergarden Jul 2022
I fear that your boyfriend will always allow for his brother to run his life. What’s your heart telling you?
DMich12 Jul 2022
My heart tells me one thing but my head is telling me that he will never be free of his overbearing brother. If his mom passes, his brother flat out told the both us that he was going to kill himself. I was hoping that it was sick joke.
JoAnn29 Jul 2022
Just talked to a friend whose Grandfather, Mom and Uncle all had Huntingtons. TG there is now genetic testing and for my GF and her children, they don't carry the gene. But her sister did and died young.

This woman could live another 10 yrs. The longest has been 35 yrs. If these men are willing to give up their lives for their Mom, then so be it. They should be finding ways to ease the burden. Medicaid in home. Help with utilities. But at 40 and divorced you need more for yourself. I am not saying to break off with him but don't plan any future with him either. Except the relationship for what it is. Just make it clear that you cannot get involved in his drama. My friends mother was in a Nursing facility when we were in school. Her Dad had 4 kids to raise. Her care was too much.

Geaton777 Jul 2022
You will never be your BF's priority, you can hopefully clearly see this as you wrote and re-read your post. Eventually, you will be sucked into it as both brothers become overwhelmed and continue to make terrible, self-destructive decisions about her care, and she (if she can actually make her wishes known) clearly doesn't care about her sons having a chance in life.

I know it makes you sad, but do not ever feel guilty about leaving this situation. Feel grief, but not guilt. Please read the many other posts by girlfriends on this forum where they were always #2 and then sucked into the vortex and then got deeply stuck in the muck. Leave now while it is "easier" and you have less vested in the relationship. If it makes you feel "better" you can offer to help him find alternatives for her care, like contacting social services, but if he stiff-arms you or gets mad, they you *definitely* have your answer about where you are in the pecking order. It's not a crime or sin for a son to love and care about his mother, but he is not a good problem solver and doesn't see boundaries. These are important abilities to have in order to have any healthy relationships. May you gain wisdom and clarity and receive peace in your heart.

MeDolly Jul 2022
Me, I would find a new boyfriend, they can place her in a nursing home and go about their life, they choose not to.

You will never be his priority, accept that as fact, he has showed you who he is, believe him.

MJ1929 Jul 2022
I hope you don't want to have children someday with your BF. Huntington's is a horrific disease, it's hereditary, and there's a 50/50 chance he'll get it, too. It's an awful way to die.

Me, I'd cut him loose.

Beatty Jul 2022
It seems your boyfriend has such overwhelming family matters he does not have room in his life at present for a relationship.

Remember the film 'Love Actually'? When Sarah chooses her brother over Hot Karl?

How long are you willing to wait? Can you wait until he lets go of being the Lone Ranger & adjust to the reality his Mother needs (now) & his Brother (will need) supportive ongoing care & accomodation.

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