Find Senior Care (City or Zip)
Join Now Log In
K
kmdQ1999 Asked July 2022

How to deal with the guilt of moving out and away from a sick grandmother?

So, I help take care of my grandmother who has MS and has had it for the last 27 years. I am not the primary caregiver, that would be my grandfather. I have lived with my grandparents all my life. I do have a relationship with my mother and they have 4 more children who are all grown adults. I’m 24 for reference.


Since I was a child I’ve always helped to care for my granny, making her food helping her wash herself, making her bed & helping with meds etc. My grandfather isn’t the most caring or compassionate person and being that I adore my granny, I never felt any other way but happy to be helping her.


I’ve come into an opportunity to move out to a very affordable home with my partner who has also lived with us here for the last 5 years.


I'm scared and nervous to leave my granny alone even though my grandfather will be there. I just know he won’t be as attentive to her, he’s very lax now because he knows that myself and my partner are here and can look after and care for my granny whenever she needs.


I know I need to take a step in my life and do this, but I’m really struggling, my aunts and mother don’t do much for her. They’ll come to visit every so often, maybe bring her a coffee up, but that’s it. I'm afraid that me leaving her will take away from what happiness she has left. She is still mobile, but never really leaves the house, so she’s home 24/7.


I just have no idea what to do. The thought of leaving is literally tearing me up.

AlvaDeer Jul 2022
I would move on with your life, which you have a right to HAVE. Your grandparents have had their lives. This is the normal progression.
Try to lend what support you are able. If it isn't enough your grandparents must consider placement or whatever else may work for them.
To sacrifice your own life on the alter of the problems of family members is, to me, not a good thing.
Try to change out your G-words. You aren't God. You say you are guilty? Are you a felon or evil doer? They almost never feel guilt for anything. Use rather the word GRIEF. This is worth grief and sadness. You are a human being with limitations. You need to have your own life. And it is a sad thing to see those we love suffer. Grief would be right and normal for anyone loving them. But you aren't a good fairy with a wand to FIX IT for every sad situation in life.
I am sorry for your Grandmom. But many folks go through these things without a lick of caring family anywhere because there IS no family.
Please begin on your own life. Your Aunts and Mom will or will not pick up the slack. As long as you enable their not stepping up why would they do so?
Again, I am sorry. But you have this ONE CHANCE at life. Don't let it pass you by.

MeDolly Jul 2022
Time for you to start living your life in your own home with your partner. Your grandparents have lived their entire life as they have wished, you need to do the same.

No reason to feel guilty, this is a normal process that an adult should take in life, expand your wings and fly!

ADVERTISEMENT


Geaton777 Jul 2022
You can help the both of you by sitting down with grandpa and your parents and brainstorm ideas of other types of care solutions. Can she afford a companion aid? My 2 elderly aunts shared a companion aid from an agency and they adored her. Had her for 6 years. This type of aid can drive her places to do errands, help with her hygiene (as long as GM is not a fall risk), do light housekeeping, play cards, shoot the breeze, watch tv together, etc. Maybe someone that is close to her age (so not someone really young who will be on their phone all the time - grrr!) Or, GP or parents take her to the senior center or adult day care once or more a week, to church, local bingo, etc. Someone will need to coordinate drivers, so maybe neighbors or church friends? Time to get creative, but also time to move on with your life. You've done a fantastic job, so pat yourself on the back and hand off the baton...
TouchMatters Jul 2022
The people that need to brain storm is her mother (the grandmother's daughter?) and aunts. This young 24 year old has done more than what could be expected from any young person. Yes, hand over the baton.
Donttestme Jul 2022
You sound very caring and compassionate. You must love your grandma very much. I’m sure she loves you too. She would want you to get on with your life. If she could, she would tell you just that.

She may not have a lot of time left and she wouldn’t want nor expect you to take care of her. I bet she appreciates all you’ve done, but it’s time for you now.
you are not leaving her in the street. The rest of the family can step up. If they don’t, it’s them who have let her down…not you. You did all you could. The rest of the family has been relying on you. Let them know you will be going your own way soon. Get them ready to take over, because you have done all you could. Maybe grandpa won’t be so lax when he sees your gone.

Take care of your own life now.

DrBenshir Jul 2022
Don't forget, you are only as far away as a phone or tablet. Get one set up for Gran and video chat daily. Keep her in the loop with all the wonderful things going on in your life. Seeing your smiling face and knowing you are thriving is the best thing you can do for her. That's what we all want most of all, for our kids and grandchildren to have wonderful lives with loving partners.

vicky123 Jul 2022
Can you find out what elderly agencies are in your area? There is probably a local elder services, council on aging, or something like that. Explain the situation and that you are leaving. You need to get on with your life. You will be sad, but in the long run, it's for the best. Good luck!

ChoppedLiver Jul 2022
You are a caring, compassionate individual. However, as you said, it is time to graduate and be more independent.

I would sit down with your Grandmother and Grandfather, separately if need to be, and find out their ideas as to how to care from them, now that your availability will change.

Be prepared for all emotions as it is a big change for all of you.

One option would be to find Assisted Living for them which would include a meal plan, medication management, laundry, etc. If they don't want to go that route, how about a caregiver for part of the day to check in on them, Meals on Wheels to provide meals and maybe a senior program with a Handicapped van to take them on errands.

Will you be able to physically check in on them or be able to handle emergency calls? Your availability will make a difference on the options available.

Think of yourself as being a manager. You need to delegate tasks, and check back in to ensure they are completed and being done to your satisfaction.

It is normal to be scared of what will happen to Granny. I am quite sure that Granny will not have the same level of care without you. Some parts might be better and some parts could be horribly worse. However, you will never know until you try.

No matter what, it will be a lot of work to get things set up and to define and manage expectations of care.

Good luck. You can do this....

lealonnie1 Jul 2022
You have a 'right' to move on with your life. You know that, you've acknowledged it, even. What you are struggling with is leaving granny alone with grandpa who does little to nothing for her, and aunts & a mother who do nothing for her but bring her a coffee cup once in a while. Which boils down to NOTHING. That's what is bothering you; the thought of leaving is tearing you up b/c you love the woman and while you want and deserve your own life, you ALSO want granny to be loved and cared for TOO.

Regardless of 'all you've done for her over the years', you won't be doing for her anymore once you move out. THAT is the crux of the matter that's got you worried and torn up.

You can't fix this; you can't move out AND live with granny both at the same time.

So you move out and live in this nice affordable home with your partner AND you also make time for granny, since I assume you are not moving thousands of miles away. You set down a schedule of time you will go by the old house to see her, spend time with her, bring her food/cook food, chit chat, help her clean up, etc. Say 3 days a week for 2 hours a pop. That way, you kill two birds with one stone: you get autonomy living on your own AND you get to spend time with granny STILL, helping her and keeping an eye on her to know she's doing okay.

That's what I would do, if this were me in your shoes. Once some time goes by, you'll see how granny is doing w/o you there 24/7, and you can adjust your visiting schedule accordingly. You can also speak to the aunts and mother about visiting granny more often, and filling in when you're not there.

Wishing you the best of luck and kudos to you for being a wonderful granddaughter and human being!

Tonia722020 Jul 2022
your parents should be helping and let you have a life

CaregiverL Jul 2022
K, can you get a home health aide set up for her to help daily? Don’t throw away life’s opportunities..now is your time. You don’t want to grow a resentment inside that will be within you forever. That’s what will happen if you sacrifice your life . Check on her & be an advocate if she has to be placed in facility. You are a great granddaughter to be proud of.

See All Answers

ADVERTISEMENT

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter