I'm still angry and resentful of my siblings after my dad passed. Any advice on how to cope?

We have basically two chances at family. The one we are born into and the one that we make for ourselves. After all this trying to be validated and vindicated I think it is time to move on and build your own family of caring and loving souls. We often act in habitual ways because while they are torturous they are at least representing for us "the known". There is nothing scarier than taking another path, trying something different. In all truth we sometimes don't even know HOW to do it, so we keep on like the old mill pony, going in circles carrying the load, wearied and in pain.
I would consider getting help. Tell your therapist going in exactly what you told us. Comb through new ways of living,new goals, new boundaries to protect yourself. It's clear to us here you value, your WORTH, from all you have done. Now it needs to get clear for YOU in your own head. Once it is there, you will no longer need the evaluation of others.
I surely do wish you the very best. I hope you will update us as you explore new ways of being. There are people out there who are good, kind and loving. Go get em!

Beware of those who may judge you now by saying things like you are just "feeling sorry for yourself". Our feelings are not right or wrong, they are simply human! Your feelings of anger and resentment are normal human emotions AND sharing them here took courage. My own siblings also treated me badly so I understand how deeply that can HURT. I've been meeting with a professional counselor to help me deal with my anger and family estrangement in healthy ways. Take care of yourself!

Cdnreader,

I understand perfectly how you feel. I didn't have as much as a time as you did since I only looked out for my mom. But my siblings didn't help much thats for sure. I was always looking out for my mom from the time my dad died when I was four and throughout my mom's life.

For instance when my older brother defaulted on a loan my mom had cosigned for him. This was when I was about 18 yrs. old. I found my mom crying in her room one day cause she had to pay his loan and had no money for groceries or bill payments that mth. I had four older siblings at the time. I told my mom no problem, I'd give her the money. No one else stepped up to offer and one sister even gave me grief cause I slept in the day my mom went to the bank. Mom got the money no problem but my one sister still glared at me cause I'd slept in that day. Even when she could have helped out but didn't.

Fast forward to my mom's declining years. Same thing. I did most everything but got criticized on how I did it from sibs. The gall when you think about it. Standing on the sidelines watching someone knock themselves out and criticize instead of pitching in. Or visiting mom, seeing that things look bad and instead of stepping up, phoning me to do something and then tell me how I didn't do it right afterward. When my mom died we wouldn't have even had a ceremony to say good bye if I had not arranged it. It was like herding cattle, but harder.

I've never been respected by my sibs. I know I never will. I've learned to not expect it. Once you learn to have no expectations from your sibs you'll learn not to care anymore. One other thing changed along the way. I lost all respect for them too. I don't look up to them, don't care what they think of me anymore and that's that.

Forget about them. Instead be proud of yourself and all you've done.

Don't wait for their applause & pats on the back. You didn't help to get their praise afterall. You did it because you felt called to. Some are called to teaching, some to healing professions, others for charity work. You heeded your calling. Be proud of yourself & thank yourself today. Tell yourself well done.

Then be grateful for the new opportunity to care for yourself now!

I am curious - what does 'being selfless' mean to you?

I personally dislike the word selfless. (Why have less self?) I also dislike the work selfish. But I DO like the term self-care. It is self*respecting*.

Maybe with self-love, you may love your own traits, forgive the others for being who they are & avoid astrangement. Happy day to you.

Touchmatters, no offense but your post makes it sound that Cdnreader somehow is responsible for how her sibs treat her cause she doesn't set boundaries and feels bad about herself. I think a lot of what you said is a load of psycho babble.

Maybe her sibs are the ones with the problems cause they need to feel superior so they made Cdnreader a scapegoat. Maybe they should examine themselves.

Theres no excuse for treating someone bad whether she chose to take on the responsibility or not.
Its never acceptable behavior. Whether someone has self esteem problems or not.

You have a kind and generous heart. Unfortunately, others in your family do not. Stop expecting the milk of kindness to come from stone. Find those that will love and care for you as you need and deserve. Remain friendly with the other family members but stop expecting them to act differently. If this feeling remains for more than a few weeks, please consider seeing a counsellor to process these emotions and get to an emotionally healthier place.

Move on they don’t care and let go of them
sometimes it’s best to release toxic relationships and let the trash take itself out . Make a goal - fall in love , go on that hiking trip , buy that sexy dress , put on some make up and go out and have some fun . Focus on you now and the rest of your life - stay happy and healthy and find a new hobby like gardening . You can do it - this is your life .

CDN,
Being selfless and taking selfless actions on another's behalf is a reward in and of itself, without recognition, rewards, or acknowledgements. Yes, often criticisms and judgements from others.

You are not the kind of person who in their mind sets out to do something for those reasons or rewards. You do it because it needed to be done, and because it is who you are.

That is why I keep repeating: "No good deed goes unpunished".

Try making new friends with people who are not narcissists, maybe that will help you feel accepted. Also, consider yourself retired as a caregiver, as you have more than done enough for others.

You are fully accepted and befriended here on this forum by members who know you.

You can allow the anger and resentment go when you are ready. There is hope for you, making the rest of your life the best of your life.

cdnreader: Kind and compassionate individuals like you are often taken advantage of and used. I am sorry that your siblings treated you in such an incomprehensible way. You need not 'play their game,' but you don't have to accept being mistreated either. True story: I have befriended individuals in my 75 years on this earth who treated me poorly/used me. It didn't mean that I have to be this or that person's bff, but it also didn't mean that I subjected myself to being someone's doormat. You are such a wonderful individual and a longtime AC poster. Big hugs and love sent.

I feel the same as you do. I have much the same situation. My siblings said they would help one day a week. I have seen NOTHING. I have a full-time job, too, and they do not. They have not only not helped, but caused trouble, criticized, called me names, called me crazy, threatened to report me, blah blah blah. I really expected a family to be different in this situation, but they have made my life hell. So I understand the feeling you have of betrayal, and hurt. I understand how difficult it is to choose to help and have to do it all alone when you'd hoped there would be some support and aid offered.

From your words, I can tell you did this for the same reason I did: to help; because you thought it was the right thing to do. And you know what? You SHOULD be acknowledged for this. I'm sure you didn't enjoy giving up your wants, your life, anymore than I do, but you felt like it was the right thing to do for the people you cared about. Kudos.

As far as your siblings, I DO go to a therapist. I go because my husband died from a mental illness and I also see a therapist who specializes in grief. They both agreed with me when I said I want nothing to do with my siblings after this. It's very painful to give up the HOPE of having a loving family, but they've never been there for me; why should I think that they would be in the future? I'd get more response from putting a head of cabbage on the countertop and asking for love and affection and support from it. At least the cabbage wouldn't spit back at me and tell me I like being a victim, am co-dependent, am borderline, am whatever they look up in the next google search, it's all my fault and whatever else they need to say to make themselves feel better about doing NOTHING.

I wish that going forward, you will find more self-love (I also wish this for myself) and that you can find more caring and supportive people in your life who will appreciate you for your kind and giving heart. Give yourself a big pat on the back for being a kind and caring person; I'm also giving you one. You can if this is over now, or when it is over, go out into the world with a clean conscience. You can go out into the world and be free to create whatever life you want and surround yourself with people who will appreciate you instead of abuse and use you. <3