MIL moved from NC to NJ and is currently in a memory care facility. She lived in NC for 14 years where her daughter lived, do not ask why she moved since her relationship with her daughter was next to nil prior. Well daughter spent the last 2 years complaining and telling us she is done with "M" (doesn't even call her mom). We finally took charge and moved MIL to NJ to be closer to her 2 sons. My husband and I are the primary contact and POA so we spend our days managing MIL's life (care, dr appts, finances). At first I would send monthly updates to daughter via email (we had blocked her phone so we could not get nasty texts or calls). We would not receive a response to the update email and then that moved to a 3 month and 6 month update. We are coming on 1 year and have not heard from daughter. Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day all came and went and daughter did not reach out to her at all (we check her phone for incoming and outgoing calls), no card nothing. After I sent the 6 month update and did not get a response, I said I refuse to update daughter any longer. My husband thinks we should to cover ourselves for later on. I disagree..... I have all phone messages, text messages and emails stating she was done and wants nothing to do with her mother. My question.....should I continue to send update emails regularly?
Well, there's your answer. Let HIM do the periodic updates!
If it will make you sleep better at night, send her a certified letter stating "mom is a resident at this particular facility and her diagnosis is XYZ. We have reached out to you repeatedly with updates, but have not gotten any response. The ball is now in your court. If you want updates about your mom or wish to visit her, feel free to contact us."
I guess I don't understand what the concern is....does MIL have a large estate that your husband thinks his sister is going to challenge?
Simple as that. It's what I would do. One thing off my plate, less to think about, and I would be assured she could reach out to me if she wished.
Best to you.
You're sure she is alive and kicking, are you? - the daughter, I mean.
Have your husband pick up a phone and call his sister. Tell her that you both understand that she doesn't want email updates on mother but that you have to send them because she's immediate family. She doesn't have to read them and can just delete them when she sees them in her email. You and your husband need a record of her being updated though.
I'm sure she'll understand. If she doesn't, well just keep sending her an email update until she blocks you from doing so.
These emails may be worded in a way that don't seem to require a response.
There's obviously tension here - would a " thanks for the update" response from her really make a difference? Are the emails worded in a way that would try to make her feel bad? Maybe she's having personal issues - have you asked her how SHE'S doing? She did put in 14 years - maybe she's physically or mentally damaged from it.
How much time does it take you to sit and write out a few lines about how "M" is doing?
It does not cost anything to send an update.
If nothing else it might make her feel just a little bad that she does not have a connection.
Now if the daughter were on the forum and wrote ... "I keep getting emails updating me on my mother's medical condition, my mother and I have never gotten along and I really don't want these emails! Why don't they get the hint and stop sending them"
My response to daughter would be....
If you no longer wish to get the email updates send an email and tell them that you no longer wish an update. You can just delete them without reading. But my suspicion is you do want the updates. Just because no update probably means mom has died and that leads me to the question is do you want to be informed when she dies?
So I guess my answer to you is...I would still send the update, does not take much time and it does not cost anything. I would probably do a monthly or every other month one and keep it short. (and yes I realize that monthly or every 2 months is more than you are doing now but as I said very little time and no cost to you.)
"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."
So, let her go.
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