What to do when one sibling has taken over caretaking for your Mom and refuses to let anyone in?

I might add, we only have the OP's side.. There are often the flip threads of "I-am-a-solo-caregiver-my sibs-never-help" etc.

But.
The traits of a good CNA are empathy, a caring nature, ability to solve problems & a good amount of physical can-do. All great traits! Health Heros indeed 😇

Also (for many) a healthy like to help, to be thanked, useful, contributing.

However, too much of that *need to be needed* trait can tip into control & co-dependance. If your care recipient has become 100% dependant on only you, you now feel indispensable. Like an amazing superhero - but also with the burden of the weight of the world on your shoulders.

If the CNA Sis doesn't learn to let others in, don't be surprised if the she sustains her own health crises soon. It's another version of *awaiting a crises* really. Something that will force her to re-evaluate & accept change.

At first read I'd say CNA Sis decided there was only room for one cook in the kitchen & She.Is.It.

He considers the other sibs as minor kitchen hands, getting on her nerves & in the way. Her kitchen - her rules! So she fired you all.

Then complains she has the whole kitchen to run & zero help.

"My sister is bitter, resentful and very nasty when anyone wants to help. Then she complains that we don't do anything".

So I wonder if it is LESS about siblings (others too) offering to help but MORE about her wanting to control everthing?

While I agree with Alva that honey will catch more bees, I also wonder how you can start some discussions so that CNA Sis comes to see the barrier to more help.. is actually *her*.

I have seen a tiny bit of this up close. The self-appointed caregiver had chosen to be The Hero. Got overwhelmed which dinted the Hero's pride. Resentment sparked into demands for help, yet then spurned the suggestions/help. Why? Pride again? A need to be in control? Madness right?

Priorities. Pride. Courage.

Mother's care is the priority.
If the Hero can get over their pride & be courageous enough to *ask for help*, *accept help* also *let go* of some control then some teamwork can be built.

PS restricting Mother's access to her other children is controlling & amazingly selfish imho. (Unless you are all toxic snakes or something.. I jest).

Have you asked why you can't be involved with help? What was said? Have you had differences of opinions that have created strife or arguments?

I find a sibling keeping family away from a parent weird. Why does someone what full care of a parent when siblings want to help. If she has POA she does not have to review anything medically about Mom same with finances. Even if POA she needs a good reason to keep children away from a parent. I agree there are 2 sides of a story but maybe you can have APS do a well check. This way you will know Moms OK.

This sure sounds like a challenging situation! Since your mom has dementia, she is not "allowing" your sister to do this. It is being done to her by your sister. I wonder if your sister is insecure and defensive? Or is she doing something wrong? Or if you guys have a bad relationship and this is just the way she always is?

Does sis allow you to visit your mom?

Good luck.

Ninji, may I ask what evidence you have of a tapped phone? That would be a very unusual move and either you are wrong about tapped phones or your sister is perhaps having some real reasons for concern.
Can you also tell me who the medical POA is? Is that your Sister?
It is often enough/usually the person doing the hands- on care.
Can you tell me what you mean by "1st Trustee?" Has your Sister been appointed as the current Trustee of your Mom's Trust? Otherwise who is the Trust has nothing to do with anything while Mom is alive. She would likely remain the grantor and the Trustee unless she appointed sister to take over, as my brother did me.
In general, the more people meddling and interfering in care decisions the more confusion and problems there are.
I think your sister may /would like help, but she would likely want a certain kind of help.
Why not try not questioning so much as simply asking how you can help this caregiver? Appointment accompanied by you? Grocery shopping? Meal delivered in? Respite. Tell Sister you are very concerned with Mom and would love to be filled in on anything she feels free to share with you.
More bees are caught with honey. It's just a simple fact. And if that doesn't work, simply step back. Visit Mom and be loving. I am afraid otherwise this may come to a stay-away restraining order.
I have only your side of this story. None of us can know the details according to the sister. I am just supposing that she does HAVE a side she would tell us were we able to ask her.
I wish you well. Be the sunny-honey and the bees will come.