My Dad passed early this year. Growing up my Mom was an Alcoholic + Manic..(several horrible decade plus of each).. Some years of reprieve ..then the NPD & hostile Borderline came on scene. Throw in Mid Level Dementia now. When I call her I say "what are you watching...reading...eating?" Then she will respond in snarky tones "what did you do today?" I have a profession..so it is confusing to my brain. I am not retired or just back from a vaca. I am busting it to regroup to pre Pandemic times financially.. I have grown kids that live nearby. I can feel (very obvious) the jealousy she feels. Never would there be a "Love how productive you are...sounds great..gotta go back to my gardening..painting..friends..cooking"... She is ticked off that I am active.. I talk to her re: me purging-getting housekeeper back in ..someone to run a couple errands (some social interaction during the week--she refuses) Last night terrified me when on the phone she inserted herself .."maybe sometime we can all go to (social outing) .." & "I could drive down there"... She can barely drive or walk long distances.. The attitudes are very self centered...and inappropriate & in person..in public.. I told her after 15 mins I was wiped & would call her tomorrow. Was telling her news & she kept interrupting. She responded with "call me tomorrow or the next day (poor me/hostile attitudes.." Screamed at me last week "my life is a pile of ----" ... I see her every week and call daily (taking that down from 2 to 1 calls) I cannot be held responsible for her happiness. She set her life up this way.. not choosing to make friends or have hobbies.. Closed off to my ideas. She hates to go for drives.. I try to change things up on my weekly visits & always met with yelling "if you turn left I am getting out of the car & walking home." The phone convos are a beast to get thru.. Not a lot of common ground. I love reading re: elderly Parents who are walkers, active & LOVING to their grown kids.. Not angry & self centered...What a blessing you are to your Kids/Grandkids.. Goal for all should be to stay active & busy.. Not fair to dump on your grown Kids...day in & day out. Learn to control your behaviors & be grateful for your days...
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My mom lives alone. She doesn't have dementia, just mental illness.
I know that she will have a hard time if she ever needs facility care. She doesn't have any money, she gambles it away faster then it comes in. Always has and always will. Knows it all and makes things difficult for anyone that gets near her. Its really sad actually.
You are definitely caught between a rock and a hard spot. Maybe, she will eventually be able to be placed and you can visit, if and when you choose.
I am fortunate that I live 9 hours away from my mom. So it limits my involvement a great deal. Because I know that she will have to have a crisis that takes all of her choices away before she will accept any type of help.
I totally understand loving her but, it's different. I always say, I love my mom, I just don't know how to deal with her.
I think you are very brave seeing her weekly. God is good to you to be able to cope with her.
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No matter what you do she will not be happy, she will continue to be miserable and take you down with her. Somehow, to me this does not compute, set your boundaries and stick to them, break out of that cell with invisible bars that is holding you captive.
yes!
the other danger is also, that out of empathy and love for one’s declining elderly parent, one starts getting very depressed and self-sabotaging (like you don’t want YOURSELF to be happy, because your parent isn’t happy).
being empathetic is a virtuous quality. but we must make sure it doesn’t work against us.
many of us are so busy rescuing others. and self-care? non-existent. but sometimes that might even be because you somehow don’t feel a right to be happy, when your parent’s so unhappy.
please, all of us, let’s do self-care. we should be happy. have a right to me happy, even though our LOs are suffering.
“break out of that cell with invisible bars that is holding you captive.”
yes! i think many of us are slaves without realizing it.
break free. it’s your life. live fully. :)
kind to others AND yourself. hugs from me to all!! :)
bundle of joy :)
Mom will never be happy and Dementia only exacerbates the problem. When I asked Moms Neurologist if Dementia changed personalities, he said no.
If they were nice before Dementia, they will be nice after
If they were nasty before Dementia, they will be nice after.
If they were nice before Dementia but nasty after...they were really nasty before but good at covering it up. You lose ur filter with Dementia.
Yes, maybe you just need to back off on calls. And when talking to her just let her talk because it seems she is not interested in ur day. Keep it short, just checking in on you, listen then say got to go.
If your mom is mid stage dementia, she really should not be living alone. It sounds like you are waiting for the crisis that takes all of her choices away.
Her filters are gone and you can minimize contact or deal with her hateful attitude. She will never care about you the way you deserve, she isn't and never has been capable of doing this.
You could jump through flaming hoops and she would be miserable. Her entire life proves that is her nature. She cares about her and her alone, stop trying to "share" your life and happiness with her, it only hurts you more when she ignores it or snipes at it.
I, personally, can't speak with my mom everyday. She is a happiness vampire and thinks I am a scratching post. That's fine, she can be who she is, it doesn't obligate me to make myself miserable by dealing with her daily. When I do speak with her, me, my life and my family are always good, fine, busy. It doesn't matter what is really going on, she doesn't care, I know that, so I save myself from her. It really does work.
You call her everyday? And knowing she's like this, you continue to call.
Her life is what she made it. You are feeling the pain that she wants you to feel. And you keep going back for more.
When my mom gets snarky or 'poor pitiful me' I walk out the door.
For the same behavior (but 100xs worse, since I am an inlaw and therefore not worthy of attention) I have cut all ties with my MIL. Poor Dh has to handle her. A 2 hour visit with her results in him having to lie down for a half day. I don't know why he had ANYTHING to do with her, and she plans to live another 7 years (she has always stated she'd live to be 99-1/2 and she probably will.
Don't let guilt get you. Take a long break. You need it!