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Melonyk Asked April 2022

How to respond to absent family members who provide no help when they accuse you of spending too much money for Mom's care?

My mom has been on hospice care for almost 5 months now. She requires total care. She has a tracheotomy and is on O2 at all times. She is incontinent of bowel and bladder. I prepare all her meals and she has to be spoon fed now. Hospice pays for certain medications but the rest are out of pocket expense. I pay all her bills with her SSI check. I buy all the groceries with my money. By the time everything is paid each month there is very little left over from her monthly check. Certain family members have accused me of spending too much money and feel like I should be able to save over half of her check each month. Realistically that’s not possible. They offer no help at all. I’m overwhelmed and exhausted all the time. My mom sleeps for only short periods at a time. She’s constantly calling me to her room all through the night. I may get 2 hours of sleep and feel so drained all the time. Any advice on how to deal with my absent family members and their criticism via text because they don’t even visit or call my mom?

Melonyk Apr 2022
In Louisiana children are first in line for any inheritance unless the spouse leaves a Will a gives everything to his wife. The surviving spouse has right to usage of home until death. But is not full owner because it’s considered community property. My mom can will her 50% of her assets which she did to me.

Melonyk Apr 2022
My dad listed my brother and sister as his beneficiary while he was sick and mentally confused, they convinced him they would distribute the money evenly but kept it for themselves. My mom didn’t want to pursue legal action.

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Beatty Apr 2022
Please talk to the Hospice service asap & see what other help is available for you. I am so sorry your siblings don't help. They have their own boundaries, abilities & values. Best to leave that for now.

Instead find people & services that CAN help you. It can be a longer road than you think, as you have found.

Prioritise your Mom's care & your own. Do what you can to make life easier. Can groceries, meals & meds be delivered for now?

Send a group txt out only if the situation changes.

I doubt I would be replying at all to txts about money at all at this time..

Athough if I was on the other side, I suppose I could be asking if spare money existed so it could be used for extra help? Like in-home aides?

This must be overwhelming. Please speak to Hospice, Mom's Doctor, your Doctor about extra help. End stage illness requires a team. (I do not know what illness/issue your Mother has).

You mentioned you were/are an RN. I found this noble group often step-up into caregiving but the downside can be lacking respect for self-care, not taking breaks. A tendency towards being Superman/Superwoman. Or feeling like if you don't do everything, you have failed. Just ensure you are not falling in those holes.

Adding more help is not failing. It is just ADDING more help.

Melonyk Apr 2022
When she was discharged from last hospital stay her physicians gave her approximately a month to live. I felt like I could care for her for 1 month but it’s almost 5 months now. My siblings took my dads money from his insurance policy. Left my mom with her monthly SSI check only. They don’t want to pay for any final expenses and feel like I should be able to save from her monthly income to cover the cost. My mom has willed everything she owns to me but unfortunately living in Louisiana they will get dads 50% interest. She’s not eligible for Medicaid so any facility will expect what Medicare doesn’t cover to be out of pocket. I’ve asked for either physical help from my siblings or either monetary to pay for help. They refuse either.
CTTN55 Apr 2022
"My siblings took my dads money from his insurance policy. Left my mom with her monthly SSI check only."

What do you mean, they "took" his insurance policy payout? Were they the beneficiaries? You weren't a beneficiary? Why wasn't your mother the beneficiary?

"My mom has willed everything she owns to me but unfortunately living in Louisiana they will get dads 50% interest."

So your mom was cheated out of your dad's life insurance policy payout, yet according to LA law your sibs will get your dead father's 50% interest? Why can't the will state that you get it all?

Does your mother appear to be able to go on indefinitely?
CTTN55 Apr 2022
From your profile: "I moved in with her 4 months ago and have been providing all of her care alone. I have 3 siblings that refuse to help at all. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed. I get very little sleep and feel totally stressed out."

WHY did you agree to do this? Please don't write that it's what Mama deserves, because she was such a wonderful mother. If she was that wonderful, then she wouldn't have raised your 3 sibs to be the selfish people that they are.

What happens if YOU get sick and can't take care of her?

If you insist on continuing with this martyrdom, your sibs should pay for relief help for you. Why do they care how much of her SS check is being spent? Do they expect to inherit something? What are you rmother's finances? i really hope the four of you aren't equal beneficiaries to any estate or trust - YOU deserve it all.

Can your mother go to a hospice facility?

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