Follow
Share

So after exploring all options (my mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid) my mom would like sell her home and move in with us and pay for small renovation about 40,000 so that she can live with us and have her privacy. We would then only maintain her day aide and I would take over evenings. My siblings have decided that this renovation would be to my benefit (haha no way do I need another addition now that we have an empty nest plus an increase in property taxes!!) and insist that I repay my mom's estate once she passes away. They're verbally abusive to both me and my mom especially now and they don't help at all with anything ever, so I'm no longer speaking to them. My mom decided that yes since they insist I pay her back I should to shut them up but she will in turn pay me for caring for her at the same nightly rate that the aid gets which is 180 a night or 15 an hour. That's over 5000 a month. So am I a slimeball for taking this money?? What should these ingreats benefit from me taking my mom in after they decided that her paying for the renovation wasn't fair even though that was for her to stay here rent free for the rest of her life!! And they both told her if she moves in with me they're not going to visit her. She wants to go to a lawyer to sign a written agreement so things will be very clear on what's going to happen. But I still feel shallow if I take this money

Your mother favours your two brothers.
Your mother takes what you do for her for granted.
Your brothers have stated that they will not visit your mother if she is living in the same home as you.
Your mother has already made the decision to ring-fence their inheritance, and believes that she is compensating for this by offering to pay you at the same rate as she already pays her live-in caregivers. You already feel guilty about this, thinking it would show shallowness, that only a "slimeball" would take the money.
Your mother will be paying for the adaptations to your home, but you expect her otherwise to live with you "rent-free" for the rest of her life. And who will be paying for her living costs, then?
Your mother is incontinent and a falls risk, requiring 24/7 care. Have you stayed with her for long enough to know what it's like to manage her needs night after night for a prolonged period?

JanIneed, the reason that you have had so many alarmed responses to your post is that we're watching you march straight into a minefield. Whatever you decide to do I hope it turns out well for you and your mother and your family, but please pause for thought. If you haven't already taken over sole charge of your mother's hands-on care for at least a month, try to do that first before you make any irreversible decisions.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report
Beatty Nov 30, 2021
Absolutely. Start with a 'trial of care' for 3 days & re-evaluate.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
What time frame are you anticipating? For 'now'or for the rest of Mom's life?

Will this be a pop in check or physical transfers, bathroom duty, emotional support?

Will you be able to use a Hoyer lift & wheelchair if mobility requires it?

Plenty of elders get lonely or anxious & want company every evening. This can be even more draining than physical assistance.

Lastly, do you WANT to be a caregiver every evening? Or feel you SHOULD?
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Beatty
Report

You Mom will never qualify for Medicaid if you use her money to make any additions or renovations for her. This is considered gifting because you will profit from the renovations. It will cause a penalty.

I get from your profile Mom is not easy to get along with. How about taking the house proceeds and place her in a nice AL. Spend all her money. If her SS and pension are a problem because they are higher than the cap, see if your State allows a Miller trust. This is where any income over the cap goes into the trust so Mom qualifies for Medicaid.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
JanIneed Nov 29, 2021
She cannot go into an assisted living facility. Her team of doctors advised against it.
(1)
Report
Jan, you need to see an eldercare attorney. There are annuities which CAN be Medicaid compliant.

Your renovation plans put mom UPSTAIRS? Not good for when she becomes more frail. In addition, what guarantee do you have that your mom won't simply park herself in your living room, TV blaring?

That is the sad reality that lots of folks have come to this board with.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report
JanIneed Nov 29, 2021
She won't be able to come down without assistance and my upstairs after renovations will be around 720 square feet plenty big. My grand kids and kids will be up there too when they visit us they can visit her. She's beyond thrilled until her other kids started b****ing and complaining. about this arrangement. We now have another apointment with a laywer.
(1)
Report
So we were in a similar situation and yes toyed with an addition on our home to create a apartment for MIL. The more we thought about this the more flags were raised: 1) we thought about long term like what about when she needs a more intense care, too much for us to handle $60000 for the addition would be a good chunk of her money. What if we wanted to go away? We are now bound.2) I wasn’t sure if my husband really knew what it would take to care for someone 24/7, so much different then going to visit for a few days. 3) the added value to our home and tax increase
in the end….MIL money was for her care(she has quite a bit cash, house and stock). 4) then we thought what if we put this on and 6 months later she needs a nursing facility. We got out of the mindset that that was inheritance money and it was hers. We sold her home which gave her about 4 years in a MC facility and cash in bank gives her another 2 yrs. stock will be last to go since she draws income on that. In the end…..we considered inheritance vs life style and went with a facility. Another option we are considering is there will be a house right next door going up for rent. Rent that, install cameras, hire assistance for 8 hrs and husband take over evening shift. A lot cheaper BUT we are still….thinking we would be in the same boat as far as care and lifestyle. Who knows…..but for right now she is in a facility, we go every day and she is taken care of.
I would like to add….it is NOT easy to care for a parent(live in). My mother lives with my sister. They put on an suite for her. We are beginning to see the challenges of this arrangement and wonder how long can it go on….oh I spend every other week in PA to assist with my mom so my sister has support and it is difficult.
so just some food for thought….think it all the way through, do the what ifs from all angles.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Daughterinlaw56
Report

Oh no, don't feel shallow.

Take the money and have mom pay for her share of expenses as well. Have this written into a rental agreement that is a separate agreement from your caregiving agreement.

It is none of your siblings business what your agreements are with your mom.

Quite frankly, your siblings don't deserve a penny and you should happily get as much as you can for doing what you do for your mom. She should rewrite her will and have it state that any beneficiary that contests the will gets one dollar. That is legal, we have it written into ours to stop family nonsense.

This is her choice and you should be grateful that she is willing to compensate you and pay her way.

Tell your mom I said, "Well done showing your daughter your appreciation for what she is doing!"
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report
JanIneed Nov 29, 2021
Thanks you are the first person who really read the whole post and gave me an answer that relates to the issue and not advice about everything I've already covered. This is a last resort for her I've already looked into other options. Thank you!
(3)
Report
Don't take mom's money for improvements to your house. That will cause problems with Medicaid if she ever needs it. Why do you need an addition on your home to be able to care for her? From what you are saying the home is already plenty large.

Instead, if you really want to take care of her see an elder law attorney to set it up legally. Or move her to assisted living. You need to be very careful especially when there are siblings keeping an eye on things.

Just see that attorney to discuss options.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to gladimhere
Report
JanIneed Nov 29, 2021
In order to keep her private we do need to fix our upstairs I'm not willing to live in with my mom. She has to have her own area. She will never qualify for Medicade she has a life annuity which puts her out income wise
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Increased property taxes, increased grocery and utility bills, 24/7 responsibility and 7 nights a week working, potentially and God willing for five or ten years...

Shallow doesn't come into it. I'm afraid you're being wilfully blind to the reality of what that $5K a month is going to cost you.

In addition, your mother speaks about paying back to her estate to shut your siblings up as though it isn't up to her what happens. But it IS.

What were those other options you and she explored?
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report

Are the docs saying she needs MORE care than Assisted Living?

What level of care is needed? Nursing Home, Memory Care?

Is her depression being treated? Has she been diagnosed with dementia?

It sounds to me like there is a lot of attention being paid to the monetary aspects on the table and not enough thought being given to what level of care mom needs.

Figure out the needs first. Arrange how to pay for it with the advice of an eldercare attorney.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report
JanIneed Nov 29, 2021
She needs 24 hour care. She is physically healthy but a fall risk and has severe anxiety and is on Ativan for that and gets very unstable on her feet from this drug. Medicade income limit is 2360 not 8,000 as I said in my post she doesn't qualify. I've been to an eldercare laYwer and sheet went over all that
(0)
Report
See 2 more replies
No, you're not a slimeball. Realistically, you probably should be paid what a board and care is. Because that's the choice: a board and care she has to pay someone else for, or pay you for.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to PeggySue2020
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter